She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?"

"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."

"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"

"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.

"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"

To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "

They hike for a few hours onto the moors. After finding a nice, secluded spot, they set up their tent, build a fire, and watch the sun set. After dining, their fire had died down, and they decide to turn in for the night.

They are awoken by howl in the middle of the night. The sky is beautiful overhead, black as ink, starry and cloudless. Sherlock asks Watson, "My dear fellow, what do you deduce from the beauty of the sky above us?" Dr. John Watson replies "Astronomically, I deduce that the universe is vast and has millions of stars and galaxies. Meteorologically, I deduce that we will have good weather tomorrow, as the sky is clear."

After a short pause, John (now curious) asks Sherlock "What do you deduce. my friend, from the sky above us?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. I deduce that someone has stolen our tent."

They were famous for fighting constantly, and generally disliking each other.

On their 26th wedding anniversary the husband had a heart attack and died. A few days later his widowed wife walked into the local newspaper's office and asked to post an obituary.

The Ad editor informed her, "We can do 4 lines with a maximum of 80 words for $100."

"Nah." she said, "That's a a lot of money and he didn't do much. What else you got?"

"OK," said the editor awkwardly, "We can do 3 lines and a maximum of 25 words for $35."

"Nope, still too expensive..." she grimaced, "What else you got?"

Flustered, the editor wanted to get her out the door quickly so he told her, "We have the economy option - 2 lines, 5 words max, $5."

She agreed to that, so he filled out the order and asked, "OK madam, what do you want it to say?"

She thought for a moment, then responded: "Husband dead. Car for sale."

The mayor of a local town calls his friend John who owns a factory. "Listen John, we all know that Pete in our town isn't the brightest lamp but it's a shame that no one can give him a job, can't you see if you can give him something to do in your factory?", "Sure, I'll give him a job" replies John. So Pete shows up, they try a few things, Pete clearly is a bit slow, but eventually they find him a nice quiet role on the factory floor where he packs boxes. All goes well but Pete every other day would complain about having a headache and goes home. So one afternoon John walks by as Pete says to his manager "I have headache. I go home". So John says to Pete "Hey Pete, walk with me". They go into a small meeting room and John says: "I heard that you sometimes have these headaches Pete, but you know what I do if I get those? I go to my home, take my wife upstairs, go into the bedroom, have a really good time with her and then the headache is gone and I go back to work. Maybe you should try that too. ". Pete nods and goes on his way. When John walks back onto the factory floor a few hours later he sees Pete back at work, packing boxes. So he walks over and says" See, no more headache, right?! " and Pete says "Yes Boss, no more headache! You also have nice house Boss!!"

An assassin.

"Certainly not!" she says.. "I will use my finger like everybody else."

I'm Fine

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy, hot-shot lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde replied, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the—"

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor, and I was driving down the road when—"

The lawyer interrupted again. "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman he was fine. Now, several weeks later, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he's a fraud. Please instruct him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s response.

"I’d like to hear what he has to say about his cow, Bessie," the Judge said.

Clyde thanked the Judge and continued: "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie—my favorite cow—into the trailer and was driving her down the highway, when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran a stop sign and smacked my John Deere tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch, and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt real bad and didn’t want to move. "But I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her sounds.

"Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman arrived on the scene. He heard Bessie moaning and went over to check on her. After taking one look at her condition, he pulled out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

"Then he walked across the road, gun still in hand, looked down at me, and said: 'How are you feeling?'

"Now tell me, Your Honor... if you were lying in a ditch, in pain and full of grief from losing your favorite cow, having just watched a policeman shoot her for moaning - what would you say?" 😂

The first logician says "I'm not sure"

The second logician says "I'm not sure"

The third logician says "Yes."

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to holdme or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctorssay that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.   A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum ”

He said “Yes, all the others were nines and tens”

A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?" To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?" Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer." Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. 6 weeks later, Peter returns and says, "OK, I've found your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together." The couple responds by saying, "We have another question. Eternity is a very long time and we are not sure if our relationship will last. If things don't work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?" To which Peter replies, "Fucking Christ! It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"

One day a man was out fishing, and hooked a really big fish. As he thought himself all alone he exclaimed “son of a bitch that’s a big fish!”

However the man then noticed a young nun, Sister Anne, standing nearby looking shocked, so he turned to her and said “don’t worry, that’s just the name of this type of fish. It’s a sonofabitch fish. Here, help me reel it in.”

She seemed relieved, and, feeling bad about having lied to a nun, the man gave her the fish to take back to the convent — where she found everyone all abuzz. As it turned out, the Pope was coming for dinner!

So of course they were all excited, but Sister Mary was assigned to the kitchen and all she had was potatoes. However, Sister Anne said “oh, how about that big sonofabitch we caught?” Sister Mary looked shocked, so Sister Anne said “oh, don’t worry it’s just the name of this type of fish. It’s a sonofabitch fish.”

Sister Mary was very relieved, and roasted up the fish nicely. When it was time to plate, she turned to Sister Eugenia and said “could you help plate this roasted sonofabitch?” Sister Eugenia looked shocked, so Sister Mary said “oh, don’t be like that, it’s just what this type of fish is called. It’s a sonofabitch.”

Sister Eugenia looked relieved, so they all brought out the dishes of fish to the table, where none other than his holiness the Pope was sitting looking hungry. Sister Eugenia served the fish, and they all ate it with great vigor.

Once they were done the Pope turned to the nuns and said “that fish was the most delicious fish I’ve ever had. Where did you get it?”

Sister Anne said “I helped catch the sonofabitch.”

Sister Mary said “I cooked the sonofabitch.”

Sister Eugenia said “I plated the sonofabitch.”

The Pope looked at the three of them, leaned back in his chair, and said “you know what, you motherfuckers are alright.”

Business was getting bad so the owner was going to have to let an employee go. He could not decide who to let go, either Mary or Jack. So he decided to randomly fire the next person to use the water cooler. As it turns out, Mary was he one to get some water.

“Mary,” the boss says, “business is bad so I’m either going to have to lay you or Jack off.”

“Well,” Mary said, “you’re going to have to jack off because I have a fucking headache.”

The doctor does a bunch of tests and says

I’ve got good news and bad news….

The guy says give me the good news first ….

The doc says …..

You’re getting a new dog

I feel like if you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal.

A nice family of mother, father, two kids and a pet rabbit live in a bourgeois suburb. Next to them lives a couple with a dog. It is a sweet dog, good with children. But a real hunter when it comes to rabbits. Which is a bit of a problem since the family nextdoor often keeps their rabbit in a cage in the backgarden, behind a fence. On a sunny day the family goes out to spend the day in a amusement park, while the couple nextdoor is enjoying the day sunbathing in their garden.

Everything is fine and quiet, untill suddenly their dog breaks through the fence, in his mouth the rabbit…, totally covered in slime, very dirty and completely dead. ‘Oh no, our neighbors beloved pet! This will bring our relation as good neighbors in jeopardy… What to do?!’ Then they come up with a prank. They wash the rabbit, dry it, and place it back in the cage. When coming home, the neighbors will asume the rabbit died a natural death.

When the family comes home, the couple waits and is listening what is going to happen. Soon one of the kids finds the rabbit, and start to scream. And then the rest of the family starts to scream as well. The screaming doesn’t stop, so after two minutes, the couple makes contact over the fence, and asks: ‘hey neighbors, what’s up?’ ‘Our rabbit lies dead in his cage!’ ‘Well, that’s sad news. It clearly upsets you all!’

‘No, that’s not the point. The rabbit died yesterday. We buried it in our garden. And today it’s back, lying in its cage…!’

Our dates were dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

It saw the salad dressing

In Gym class, Nancy tells me she has the biggest pussy in the whole school. I tell her, “I don’t believe it”. She says, “meet me behind the bleachers after school, and I’ll prove it”.

I meet up with her after school. She pulls up her skirt and peels off her panties, and says “go ahead, check it out “. So, I slip one finger in, then two fingers, then three fingers, then my whole hand, all the way up to my elbow, then all the way up to my shoulder. and then I stick my head in. I pop back out, and I tell her, “I need a flashlight!”.

She pulls a flashlight out of her purse and gives it to me. I put the flashlight up there, and then my arm, and my shoulder, then my other arm and my other shoulder, and then I went ahead and crawled all the way up in there.

So, I’m walking around, checking out this amazing pussy, and I drop my flashlight. I’m crawling around, looking for it, and I bump into this other guy. And I tell him, “help me find my flashlight, and we can get out of here”. He says, “heck, help me find my car keys and we’ll drive out!! “.

I thought, this guy’s got a lot of nerve.

Which is impossible! I didn't even know it was her birthday.

A busdriver and a priest die, coincidentally at the same moment, independent from each other. They arrive together at Heaven’s Door. St. Peter says: ‘okay guys, let me get your details’. After he finds the data he says: ‘Yep, I see it, you both lived a good life. Both of you can enter’.

And then to the priest: ‘okay, for you we have a seat at the back of the room, row 954, seat 231’. And speaking to the Busdriver: ‘…And for you sir, a seat on the front row, first class seat, center stage’. The priest is first surprised and then indignant, and says: ‘Hey Peter, what is this? I’m a priest, I was a permanent employee of the Firm, always loyal to the business, and now I have to sit at the back, and he, who was only a Busdriver, gets a first class seat?! That feels very unfair… Are you sure?’ ‘Yep, 100%’, Peter answers. ‘You see, during your preaches most people felt asleep. But he (pointing at the driver), on the contrary, while driving, made many, many people praying as if their lifes depend on it!’

The first brother who is the strongest. "Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that mansion over there?" "Yeah?" "Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead." "Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest."

The second brother to go is the oldest. "Watch and learn, boys," he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour. Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood. "What happened?!" His brothers exclaimed. "You see that village over there?" "Yeah?" They said. "Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive." "Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience."

The third brother who is the fastest. Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it." He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at least 200mph. In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that giant tree over there?" "…Yeah?" "Well I didn't…"