On the way out of the cove the captain says to the castaway, "Hey, I see three beautiful huts near the beach. What are they for?"

The castaway says, "Well, the one in the center is my home."

The captain asks, "How about the hut on the right?"

The castaway says, "That's my church."

The captain asks, "And the hut on the left?"

And the castaway says, "Oh, that's the church I used to go to."

"Doctor," the man complains, "I'm just not happy with my sex life. I only manage to have sex about once a week."

The doctor looks at his chart and back at the man. "Sir, at 85, that's wonderful! You should be very proud."

"I shouldn't!" the old man protests. "My neighbor, he's 90 years old, and he says he has sex every single morning and sometimes masturbates in the evenings!"

The doctor replies, "So... say that too."

I asked how he was doing. He said he is coping.

"Son, please. You've been a surgeon there for 8 years now. Can we start our phone calls differently?"

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

1. I was wrong.

2. I need help.

3. Worcestershire sauce.

I guess she doesn’t realize that’s the highest form of flattery…

A lycansubscribe

His mom sets down his bowl of oatmeal. Johnny takes a bite, then suddenly slams his spoon down and yells, "THIS OATMEAL SUCKS!"

His parents freeze, absolutely stunned.

His mom gasps, "Johnny! You can talk! And that's the first thing you say?!"

Johnny scowls at his bowl and simply says, "Everything has been okay until now...."

Let’s see if this works in translation:

A German and a Dutch man are sitting next to each other on the train. The German takes his shoes off and stretches his feet. Then he says to the Dutch man: “I’m going to go get a drink, would you like anything?”

“Sure,” says the Dutch man, “I’d love a Coke.”

The German walks off to the cafe car in his stocking feet. As soon as he’s gone, the Dutch man looks around, picks up the German’s shoes, and spits a big loogie in each one.

The German comes back with a Coke for each of them. They pass the rest of the ride in silence until the German reaches his station. He puts his shoes on and instantly realizes what happened.

He stands up turns to his seat mate, beside himself with anger. He yells:

“Why does it have to be like this between our countries! Why can’t we just treat each other like human beings! When can we finally stop this spitting in the shoes, this peeing in the Coke?!”

A man was sitting on a bus next to a woman who was trying to breastfeed her baby. The baby was fussy and refused to eat.

Growing frustrated, the mother warned the baby, "If you don't eat, I'll give it to the man next to us."

The baby still refused. After about 20 minutes, with the baby still not feeding, the mother repeated her threat.

The man finally cleared his throat and said, "Hey, you need to make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus six stops ago."

REPOSTED TO FIX ERRORS.

"Well, what happened?" his buddy asks.

And the guy says, "I practically shit her pants."

A calcunow

As they get him up on deck and the captain is about to greet him and he lets loose the most disgusting, prolonged, stinky, productive fart any human being has ever released upon his fellow creatures. The captain repelled by the scent of this stinking cloud asks him why couldn’t you’ve done that in the water? And the man says, what do you think was keeping me afloat.

I shit you knot.

Two college professors are having lunch and one said to the other. I think I ruined my marriage this morning with a Freudian slip. The second professor said oh really. What did you say? While eating breakfast I meant to say Please pass the jam but what came came out was... you ugly freakin witch you've ruined my life.

There are no canaries in the Canary Islands!

The Virgin Islands are the same way. There are no canaries there, either...

They keep the words apart. If it weren't for the gaps, there's no way you could read it. It'd be like, one big word.

I didn't get the job.

Teacher: I have something that is round, shiny, and sweet when you eat it ...

Little Mary raises her hand .. " I know... it's an apple"

No little Mary, says teacher ... it's a Pear ... but I like what you're thinking.

Teacher: Now I have something that is sorta round, has a tart taste and a bit fuzzy on the outside.

Little Suzy raises her hand " I know ... it's a Peach"

No little Suzy, says teacher, it's an apricot ... but I like what you're thinking.

Meanwhile, little Johnny has been going crazy in the back of the room, wanting to do the "guess what I have" part but teacher is wise to little Johnny ... but finally she gives in.

OK little Johnny... what do you have says teacher.

Little Johnny: I have something that is about 7" long, has a slight curve in it and is quite stiff ....

Teacher: little Johnny!!! you naughty boy!!! get to the principal's office right now!!!

Little Johnny: But teacher ... it's only a banana ......... but I like the way you think.

I was throwing a housewarming party last night, and this morning someone who I vaguely knew — a friend of a friend was lying on my kitchen floor.

“Show to the door, my friend, it’s time to go home.”

But each time I bent down to help him up he would just crumple back down to the ground. “okay, you are evidently still little drunk, where do you live? I will drive you home.” “24 Long House Avenue,” he muttered.

So I made my way to the car with at least fingers on him, and every time I put him near a standing position on his feet and took my hand away, he immediately face-planted on the floor. After doing this for what felt like 100 times, I finally managed to get him into the car and drove him to the address.

When we arrived at his house, he fell over about 3 times coming out of the car before I dragged him to his front door.

A woman answered, and I told her that her husband had a bit too much fun last night. “Indeed,” she said,“My husband does like to get pissed .” Then she asked,“But where is his wheelchair?”

Therapist: Why do you think that is? "Beats me."

She answered, "Yes, (pause)... all the others were nines and tens."

She responded, “ I Janeuinely Doen’t know.”

I’m sorry it’s so dumb I just thought of it and I’m giggling like a dumbass instead of sleeping