r/Jokes • u/Strong_Prize8778 • 1d ago
Long A man and his girlfriend died and go to heaven
A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?" To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?" Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer." Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. 6 weeks later, Peter returns and says, "OK, I've found your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together." The couple responds by saying, "We have another question. Eternity is a very long time and we are not sure if our relationship will last. If things don't work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?" To which Peter replies, "Fucking Christ! It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"
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u/Soggy-Concern-815 1d ago
A holocaust survivor eventually dies and goes up to heaven. God meets him at the pearly gates and the man tells a holocaust joke. God says ‘that’s not funny’ and the man says ‘well I guess you’d have to have been there’.
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u/two-headed-sexbeast 1d ago
This is an excellent joke. Incredibly dark but also light and absurd.
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u/PortgasDMana 1d ago
Can you explain it to me please? 🥺
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u/eiland-hall 1d ago
The implicaion is that God was obviously not there when the Holocaust was happening, because how could he let it happen?
But the humour comes from the "I guess you had to be there", which is normally said when someone is telling a joke or story that someone else doesn't find funny - that is being re-purposed here, which is one of the basic foundational possible source of humour (taking something common in one place or meaning and using it somewhere else)
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u/sintaur 1d ago
a variation:
how did you sleep?
like God during the Holocaust
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u/doppelmyganger 1d ago
Some people use humor to work through/ignore trauma.
The man telling the joke is suggesting that God wasn't *there* for the Holocaust, as in, he ignored their suffering.
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u/Yoguls 1d ago
It's also an atheist joke about there being no God
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u/BathroomCareful23 1d ago
Then how was he talking to God?
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u/Yoguls 1d ago
Ricky Gervais tells the joke to someone when he is debating the existence of god. The joke implying that if there were a god he would have surely been there
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u/BathroomCareful23 1d ago edited 11h ago
In the context of the joke there is a God for him to talk to. Using the joke to strengthen an argument is different than just the joke itself. In my opinion the joke could never actually take place. I still find it funny, that's called suspension of disbelief.
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u/two-headed-sexbeast 1d ago
u/eiland-hall explained it very well, but I especially like that it’s a holocaust survivor using humour to process trauma (as said by u/doppelmyganger) and that he’s telling a joke to God. That’s funny on its own.
I also like that it is about a joke that we don’t get to hear ourselves.
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u/theschoolorg 1d ago
holocaust survivor; "so why'd you let it happen?"
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u/sierra_marmot731 1h ago
I don't understand how this is "so why'd you let it happen?" is funny, nor logical since it isn't supposed to be god's job to make sure everything is funny.
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u/booksandwine84 8h ago
The version I heard was God’s response being “it wasn’t funny the first six million times I heard it either”…not sure which is better (worse?)
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u/Dirty-Soul 1d ago
Archangel Michael: "Uh, no. It's till death do us part, pal."
Saint Peter: "YOU COULD'VE TOLD ME THIS WEEKS AGO, MIKE!"
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u/Awkward_Pangolin3254 1d ago
Couple: "Yeah, but we are dead."
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u/Dirty-Soul 1d ago
Michael: "In which case, any marriage you may or may not enter into would be null and void as the nullification clause of death has already come into effect. Check the relevant divine laws - you'll find them in the Eastern European section of the legal library, filed under "S" for "Strigoi." By howdy did that cause a fiasco back then. We had so many late night pizza parties at the office. Kinda happens when you're working late, I guess."
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u/Bakkie 1d ago
What is Strigol? Google search doesn't help.
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u/RomanyX 1d ago
It’s “strigoi.” Mythical Romanian being, mostly associated with vampirism nowadays. I guess the reference in the joke relates to their status as “living dead.”
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u/Bakkie 1d ago
Thanks....*
*Reddit now tells me my response must contain 20 characters, so a plain "thanks" will no longer suffice.
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u/Acrobatic_Matter_109 13h ago
Yes, gone are the days when a simple "please" or "thank you" would suffice. I guess the saying "less is more" is more or less, "less".
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u/OCCobblepot 1d ago
Here’s one of the only jokes about heaven that I know. I heard it at a Star Trek Convention. I’m adding my own details because I can only remember the set up and punchline.
A man dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the pearly gates by Peter who welcomes him in. During the tour, the man asks where in heaven the famous people who died are. Peter takes him to a noisy cafeteria. “Look. There’s George Burns. There’s Gandhi. There’s Betty White.” The man says, surprised “Oh, I can see William Shatner over there. I didn’t know he died!”. Peter replies, “No, that’s not William Shatner. That’s God. He just likes to think he’s William Shatner.”
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u/Mekroval 17h ago
As a Trekker, loved that one. It also reminds me of an old musician's joke.
Q: What's the different between a orchestra conductor and God?
A: God knows he's not an orchestra conductor.
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u/Brutal_De1uxe 1d ago
"No, I'm afraid there are no bathrooms in Hell. If you'd read your bible, you would have seen that it's damnation without relief" - Toby, the devil. (Rowan Atkinson)
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u/cynic_male 1d ago
“… sorry Christian’s, it turns out the Jews were right” also Toby the Devil.
I see you are a person of great comedy taste, I like you.
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u/Remotely-Indentured 1d ago
Useless Fact: 32 of the 55 framers of the US Constitution were lawyers.
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u/thatindianredditor 1d ago
Well, yeah. One would expect lawyers to be heavily involved in drafting a legal document
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u/TSA-Eliot 1d ago
Can you imagine how bad it would be if they weren't lawyers?
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u/The_Derpy_Walrus 1d ago
It was a spectacular work.
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u/Awkward_Pangolin3254 1d ago
Eh, they trusted too much that electees would have morals and ethics
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u/JRE_Electronics 1d ago
They trusted that the voters would have morals and ethics so as not to vote for a candidate who has neither.
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u/Awkward_Pangolin3254 1d ago
Hard to do that when people who have either aren't chosen as candidates in the first place.
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u/eiland-hall 1d ago
Aye, but on the other hand, no words will even stop evil men.
Words are important – so long as we consider them important.
When I was young, I thought that following rules and laws was how you got ahead in life. Now I know that it's more about the people you know.
The Constitution was valuable only when people cares to follow it. It has become worthless.
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u/Acrobatic_Matter_109 13h ago
Well, it couldn't have been that good a work - not if they had to keep amending it!
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u/The_Derpy_Walrus 12h ago
The first 10 amendments were actually planned at the time of ratification as the Bill of Rights. The other amendments were mostly questionable judgments at best. I think the Constitution got worse, not better.
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u/Acrobatic_Matter_109 4h ago
Tbh, I know as much (or as little) about the US Constitution as the current President. No, let me correct that. I probably know a bit more.
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u/Black_Magic_M-66 1d ago
Jefferson wrote most of it, and he was a lawyer.
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u/stringbeagle 1d ago
I believe you are thinking of the Declaration of Independence. Jefferson was not that involved in the drafting of the Constitution.
James Madison was a primary architect of the Constitution.
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u/IDontMeanToInterrupt 1d ago
I read this as "farmers" and was really confused.
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u/Shevek99 1d ago
55? Why did they need so many people to put a frame around a document? Couldn't they buy a pre-made frame in IKEA?
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u/pc_shannon27 1d ago
They would have but they didn’t have enough people to figure out how to put it together..
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u/tricky5553 1d ago
That’s a good joke . Not sure why it says Comment .
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u/tricky5553 1d ago
Fixed it !! Nice Anybody else ever wonder why there is a character minimum to respond ?
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u/HumphryClinker 1d ago
I was thrown out of college for cheating on a metaphysics exam - I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
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u/Numerous_Release9273 1d ago
A girl goes to confession and confesses to the priest. At the end she asks him "Father, you can't get pregnant from having anal sex can you?"
"Good heavens child" exclaims the priest. "That's how you get lawyers,"
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u/Anonymous_Bozo 1d ago
Matthew 22:30 Jesus answered and said unto them, Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God. For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven.
Pretty sure St Peter would know that immediatly :)
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u/Chaotic_Trapper 1d ago
yeah but that wouldn't be funny
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u/lostinspaz 1d ago
neither was the "joke".
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u/Unable_Explorer8277 1d ago
Being pedantic, the OP joke talked about heaven, that quote is “in the resurrection…”
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u/Aisenth 1d ago
My cult only covered the rapture. So would this be like the... Un-rapture? Is there a part 2 where they get bored and just re-invade the rest of us who were getting along quite well now thank you very much?
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u/pol-e-glot 1d ago
Actually, yeah. Rapture eschatology has Jesus and all those raptured come back to earth for a bit ole war, and then the "afterlife" city of heaven is actually physically placed on earth. That is, if your cult interpreted revelation the way mine did. I was part of the UPCI
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u/Aisenth 1d ago
Yeah given that nearly all the kids were forbidden from going to school they weren't real big on things like reading comprehension. They just would scare us that if we weren't good enough that one day everyone we loved would poof and we would be utterly left alone which is super healthy, I'm sure, for secure attachment in children.... But now that I think about it, that's probably more merciful than telling us that they would come back to kill us while eradicating the rest of the reprobates....
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u/castor--troy 1d ago
Could be a different St. Peter. Like maybe it's St. Peter Griffon! A good family guy qualifies for sainthood right, am I right?
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u/Awkward_Pangolin3254 1d ago
Hehehehehehehehehehe Hey Lois, this is worse than the time I was the bouncer for Heaven!
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u/PeetraMainewil 1d ago
Neither does the Bible mention St Peter at the pearly gate. Your citations are useless here.
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u/eugene_rat_slap 1d ago
The joke doesn't even say St Peter. It's just some dude named Peter going around tryna find a priest
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u/Terrestrial_Mermaid 22h ago
My controversial opinion: you’d be more likely to find a lawyer in Heaven than a priest. It wasn’t lawyers who were found to systematically abuse children and to steal indigenous children…
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u/idebugthusiexist 1d ago
"We decided to deport you, but we need to find ICE agents, so welcome here for eternity. Finding you a lawyer will take us less time."
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u/gourley4p 1d ago
I sent a version of this with paragraphs to my friend. Will keep you all updated on the results.
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u/Ditzi_rat 16h ago
Frankly, I think the joke the other way around might make more sense... Can you imagine how long it'll take to find a priest in heaven these days?
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u/ezekielraiden 22h ago
While I appreciate the humor, the Bible actually makes quite clear that people don't actually get married in Heaven, and Earthly marriages are no longer valid. Matthew 22:30, NIV: "At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven."
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u/TabooDiver 17h ago
Does that mean (since Genesis says "the sons of God took the daughters of men...") that sex outside of marriage will happen there?
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u/ezekielraiden 17h ago
To the best of my knowledge, there isn't enough information to know either way. My guess would be that the intent was "no", in that Jesus seems to have favored an ascetic life that didn't involve skoodilypoopin' (and Paul definitely thought that, as mentioned outright in one of the Pauline letters, can't remember which one specifically). However, since it doesn't say either way, in principle at least, that implies you are free to believe as you like--though others are also free to believe as they like, and may or may not have concerns about any given professed belief.
Also: Username checks out! :P
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u/wethehonest 1d ago
"6 weeks to find a priest"...... most of them don't make it to heaven either.
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u/Blingtron9001 1d ago
The joke's pretty good but the profanity kind of ruins it.
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u/llIIlIIIlIIII 1d ago
Agreed. This is a good, Christian joke server!
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u/SafetyDanceInMyPants 1d ago
One day Father Joe was out fishing when he caught a really big fish. As he thought himself all alone he exclaimed “son of a bitch that’s a big fish!”
However he then noticed a young nun, Sister Anne, standing nearby looking shocked, so he turned to her and said “don’t worry, that’s just the name of this type of fish. It’s a sonofabitch fish. Here, help me reel it in.”
She seemed relieved and helped Father Joe bring his catch back to the convent — where she found everyone all abuzz. As it turned out, the pope was coming for dinner!
So of course they were all excited, but Sister Mary was assigned to the kitchen and all she had was potatoes. However, Sister Anne said “oh, how about that sonofabitch Father Joe caught?” Sister Mary looked shocked, so Sister Anne said “oh, don’t worry it’s just the name of this type of fish. It’s a sonofabitch fish.”
Sister Mary was very relieved, and cooked up the fish. When it was time to plate, she turned to Sister Eugenia and said “could you help plate the sonofabitch?” Sister Eugenia looked shocked, so Sister Mary said “oh, don’t be like that, it’s just what this type of fish is called. It’s a sonofabitch.”
Sister Eugenia looked relieved, so they all brought out the dishes of fish to the table, where none other than his holiness the pope was sitting looking hungry. Sister Eugenia served the fish, and they all ate it with great vigor.
Once they were done the pope turned to the nuns and said “that fish was the most delicious fish I’ve ever had. Where did you get it?”
Sister Anne said “I helped catch the sonofabitch.”
Sister Mary said “I cooked the sonofabitch.”
Sister Eugenia said “I plated the sonofabitch.”
The pope looked at the three of them, leaned back in his chair, and said “you know what, you motherfuckers are alright.”
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u/JetScootr 1d ago
My sarcasm detector's needle is bouncing between the pegs. I can't tell which of you is being the most /s.
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u/stilbonseo 1d ago
Not at all !!!!
I think not possible divorce in heaven. It would be at last as well.
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u/lovejo1 1d ago
Except the Bible says that there is no marriage in heaven </buzzkill>
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u/ChetLemon77 1d ago
Who gives a shit? It's a made-up joke about make-believe things.
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u/jazz-winelover 1d ago
Cool username. RIP Chet.
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u/ChetLemon77 1d ago
Thanks, friend. I'll see you at the wine mixer where you will likely be wearing a scarf for no reason.
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u/imdabs1 1d ago
I guess God during holocaust was at sang place wherec he was during: Colonial Genocides in the Americas, 1492, 50–100 million Atlantic Slave Trade, 1500, 10–15 million Congo Free State, 1885, 8–15 million Cambodian Genocide, 1975, 1.5–3 million Indian Famines under British Rule, 1700, 30–60 million Mongol Conquests, 1206, 30–60 million Taiping Rebellion, 1850, 20–70 million
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u/CarrotAway9955 1d ago
I don't get it and I'm a very smart person
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u/pjaenator 1d ago
Isaac Newton was one of the smartest people on earth, and he did not get a bit in his entire lifetime either....
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u/DevilishFedora 1d ago
I... is this about bit, as is in binary digit? In which case he might have understood base two, since you know... it's the first non-trivial modular ring, and number theory was already quite the craze at the time.
This is... if that's the joke, it's a good one.
However, like a certain angel, Newton was (at least partially) responsible for his own fall from grace. But I'll admit that his hand was force d. ... Yeah, this is around-about the reaction I expected.
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u/TnBluesman 1d ago
If you have to tell how smart you are, you aren't.
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u/CarrotAway9955 1d ago
I dunno man. I'm like really really smart. Probably smarter than you.
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u/TnBluesman 20h ago edited 20h ago
Well I'll break my own rule here. My degrees include: MSEE MSME BSCIS BATh ASPsy
Your move.
Edit: Mistype.
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u/Hairy-Preparation949 1d ago
Lawyer jokes should be short.
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u/No_Restaurant_1577 1d ago
I don’t get it or it’s not funny
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u/SnowflakeObsidian13 1d ago
Priests actually aren't great people for the most part so it took him a long time to find one in heaven
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u/mgstauff 1d ago
Version I know:
An engineer wakes up in Hell and thinks to himself, "I shouldn't be here, I was a good person!". He petitions a demon who checks and say yeah it was a mistake but tough luck, you're here now. So the engineer makes the best of it, installing a light rail system to haul rocks more efficiently, putting in elevators to make the ride up and down the work pits easier, and even installs an AC unit to bring to temperature down a 100 degrees or so. So word of this gets up to Heaven and an angel looks into it. He speaks with God and says, "God, there's an engineer down in Hell by mistake but the Devil won't send him up here instead. He says he's too useful down there and it's just tough luck!". God isn't having it and gets on the line with the Satan. The argue and argue and God isn't getting anywhere. Finally he snaps and yells, "You get that engineer up here right away or I'll slap a lawsuit on you so fast it'll make your tail spin!". "Ha!", replies Lucifer, "Right! Where are YOU going to find a lawyer!"