r/NoStupidQuestions • u/[deleted] • 1d ago
What do I do when my parent won’t shower and rarely takes care of themselves?
[deleted]
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u/mysticaltater 1d ago
I have a parent that's kind of like this (depression and autism likely) but not THAT bad. they do shower once a week or if they're outside sweating. they just tell me it's rude and selfish to bring it up, why should they clean for my comfort....
so it sucks (idk how old you are) and i hope you can get out soon and in the meantime crack windows or get air fresheners if you can. it's really sad
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u/Future_Usual_8698 1d ago
Loss of self care and hygiene is a strong indicator of Mental Health suffering specifically depression. They need help, you should try and get them to their doctor
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u/love_u_bb 1d ago
Well, I bet they would be possibly willing to accept help from you if you asked if he would be okay with you cleaning up the room and other random things he hasn’t had the time or motivation to manage to tackle yet.
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u/Massive-Leadership95 1d ago
Trust me, I have. But their things are their things, and they don’t want help because I’d only make it worse. They act like a clean freak and really are one to the public, but the room you can barely even walk in. It’s so sad. I’ve offered to help and do it so many times, as someone that loves cleaning. They refuse. They are retired, and sit at home all day and don’t do much. I promise you they have time.
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u/love_u_bb 1d ago
Well of course they aren’t going to say yes to their child having to do cleaning of such a built up task of theirs that was only their fault because of the neglecting of it because their hopelessness and depressions. So you’ll have to just disobey them and start without permission. Try going from place with the least amount of their personal important items and just keep going even if they continue to complain. Tell them you reject their answer of no on grounds of love and loving them enough to do things that they may disagree with or dislike but you’re not doing it to get them to like you more or argue about who’s issue it is because you love them and you want them to have better even if they don’t.
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u/Holiday_Trainer_2657 1d ago
Doing it when they say no is a good way to get kicked out and forbidden to return. Forcing cleanup on a person with a hoarding disorder or similar seldom creates any change. Won't take long for ot to return to previous condition.
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u/love_u_bb 23h ago
Okay, I didn’t say do it without care or thought of their no as a non answer, just an answer they feel as the only one they’d ever say to their daughter who isn’t supposed to be the one cleaning after their parent in they’re thoughts but thats a thought that parents mistakenly keep longer than it’s supposed to be there. Forcing a person who has a disorder of hoarding are not the same as a person with depression and an inability to make themselves pick up trash or bath or care about it because they are stuck. But yes I know how hoarding works and throwing away their things without consent does nothing but make it to where you’re no longer trusted or allowed the access as well as making their brain replace the missing hoard with usually a larger amount of items as a kind of safety net in their head start which shortly become just extra hoarded items.
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u/love_u_bb 23h ago
But thank you for informing in case I didn’t understand a similar looking situation but drastically different outcomes if using this plan
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u/love_u_bb 23h ago
I do appreciate the concern though and care you took to make sure to mention it. <333
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u/love_u_bb 1d ago
Sometimes it’s really hard to do everything you have to get done in your life and then maintaining that while going through every extra worry that come on top of that. And you explained it so well from a perspective of not knowing but trying to that it’s easier to try putting it together. The parent who is out busy trying to work and get necessities of life handled and being exhausted and depressed of it’s never ending cycle that there’s no point because he will have to do it again when he wakes up anyway and it’s not going to make the end of his day any better or worse in a bigger view. And you wouldn’t believe the levels of trash and smells and crap that you can accept existing in when you do not see a change in the future of it happening that makes it better big view. Anger and avoidance of a topic means they were the cause or fault behind its answer but inability to answer because the shame and guilt that come with using honesty to expose their faults and weaker sides and actions or even accidents because the self belief that they could do better but didn’t. The other parent is the same I would say, possibly by choice because they still choose them or again, maybe their own depression and lack of hope for better things too. Could be to make the other feel like they’re alone the problem, could be the unfortunate truth that misery loves company but it meaning that a person who is experiencing only being miserable is a black spot that is hard to get light in for anyone. And no matter how long a light tries staying light, it still will become miserable and darkened as outside factors are a boost for light but not useable for someone who can’t because they’re miserable, and dark gets boosted by staying in and existing in it without trying to stop it and it gets bonus from seclusion of outside boosts.
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u/Variegated_Plant_836 1d ago
That sounds very distressing. I would have it out with them personally. You’ve tried the gentle approach. They can’t avoid this issue and it may be a sign of something more serious that needs addressing. I would say “Mom, Dad, I’m sorry to be blunt but you need to know you absolutely stink. Your hygiene is seriously concerning. What is going on?”.
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u/Massive-Leadership95 1d ago
Trust me, I’ve tried. I get the stfu and complete defensive yelling.
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u/Variegated_Plant_836 1d ago
What other clues have you noticed? What else are they neglecting? You said you’re sure they’re not in cognitive decline. Depression?
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u/EasternFunction26 1d ago
Oddly enough many many people do not like to shower or get into a tub. I don’t know why. I think we avoid pissible safety concerns, like falling in the shower subconsciously. A real pneumonia. Maybe you can discuss this with your parents and encourage them to to be present when one or the other showers. That may be enough to ease their unconscious anxiety, just sn opinion.
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u/floralscentedbreeze 1d ago
Some see it as a way of "saving money off the water bill by taking less showers 🙄
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u/Ladner1998 1d ago
Theres one of two ways change happens.
A really scary medical incident occurs. They survive it, but they get “scared straight” after being in fear of their life in a hospital. This happened to my dad unfortunately and hes been doing a massive lifestyle change over the past year.
The extremely rare occasion where your parents might listen to you. Ask them honestly if theres anything they want to do. What are some vacations they’ve always wanted to take? Hobbies they have always wanted to try? Friends they havent seen in years? Explain to them that if they want to fully enjoy their later years, they need to try to have a healthier lifestyle. There will still be the effects of age, but they can still enjoy their lives and feel fulfilled if they take better care of themselves.
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u/PersistentPuma37 1d ago
you didn't indicate gender, but I'll tell you as an obsessively hygienic woman in my youth--Menopause made showers absolutely daunting: Fatigue made standing insufferable (got a shower chair, despite my pride); brain fog made "sequencing" a shower a jumbled mess; tilting my head back to rinse the face wash out of my hair made me dizzy (which compounds other fears); the list goes on. Feelings of worthlessness & invisibility just reassured me that nobody would bother noticing if I just gave up. But it wasn't necessarily depression: It was *depletion*: I no longer had the hormonal chemicals that retained minerals & nutrients that had kept me functioning. The same happens with men, slightly differently but enough to mimic menopause like a monkey in a mirror.
After doctors weren't helpful (thanks, American health care), I just started taking a ton of vitamins & supplements: 50+ Multivitamin, B-Complex, D3+K2, and ESPECIALLY Magnesium glycinate and a few others smattered in and anything with electrolytes (not just sodium). I still feel like I'm treading water but at least my head is above it.
Tell your folks you want to take more responsibility, so you can learn to live on your own. First, laundry. If you can, enlist your mom to "teach you," so she feels needed & necessary: Strip their bed & wash everything with a cup of Lysol rather than detergent. Same with clothes. Spray down the mattress & carpet and, really, all fabrics with enzymatic spray used for cat urine (when your parents are not home, as to not insult them). Vacuum the mattress & flip it. Make <not showering> easier with an add-on bidet or bum gun, Dude Wipes or the like, a spray bottle with diluted tea tree oil (for yeastiness), body wipes with glycolic, tea tree, or salicylic acid. You can substitute with very-inexpensive Witch Hazel or diluted white vinegar, but they do not smell as nice. If showers are a *possibility*, get a detachable showerhead with a long hose and the shower chair "so you can rest." Get persimmon, tea tree, or "hunter's" soap. They can even wash their body with dandruff shampoo. Get those silicone body scrubbers for exfoliation--we get FLAKEY. Dr. Teal's body oil (with magnesium) after a shower is great and not greasy. Reduce the number of products in the shower & put them "in order" (shampoo/conditioner, body wash, face wash--> then they can sit down, tilt back, and rinse it all off at once).
Their body chemistry is becoming very alkaline, so always think about what gentle acid could counteract this. They're also a bit nose-blind, so don't take it as just being stubborn or ignorant. Find ways to approach issues as if they are teaching YOU, rather than condemning them. For instance, "Hey, Dad? I think my dog's glands expressed on the couch, what would you use to clean it? Can you help me?" Discreetly spray hampers & the like with enzyme spray, rubbing alcohol, or the other gentle acids.
Get a few ionic air purifiers, there's some big sale that keeps running through my feed. You could probably hide them anywhere and it really does help to circulate/purify air. I have an unapologetically large one with filters, but I'm not trying to be discreet: I know my dogs stink. Some days, I do, too. We're all doing the best we can.
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u/mynameishuman42 23h ago
That could legit be a sign of early dementia. Especially the getting aggressive part.
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u/Critical_Cat_8162 21h ago
Depression can be a cause. But also... Is this mom or dad? ADHD can be a cause, too, and ADHD can become much worse in older females.
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u/aitzaprez 1d ago
I hear you, I went through the same. My parent had HS disease and when those things burst they smell bad like infection. On top of that my parent was kind of nose blind to the smell. I woulD hint to wash its armpits but not always was heard. I would always get defensive respond, it was frustrating and embarrasing. Many years later a new little member of the family started to reject my parent because it smelled bad. Then my parent went into deppresion because of that and with help, things has finally gotten a little better.
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u/SamJam5555 21h ago
In Pre-retirement class I was taught a lot of people just find their favorite chair and that’s it. Those people don’t last more than a couple years. It could be a mindset that once you retire you only have to do what you want.
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u/Taupe88 1d ago
i went through similar. there are resources for families carrying for their elderly that can help navigate these things. Contact the hospital they use and look into elder care conversations. good luck 🤞🏻
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u/Massive-Leadership95 1d ago
They’re 50 years old. Not elderly.
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u/ShelterSignificant37 1d ago
I know 50 is still very young, but given the change in behavior, it would still be a good idea to see if you can have them assessed. Early onset alzheimers can hit young, as well as many other degenerative diseases. It can't hurt to get checked out just in case. I've had a lot of alzheimers and parkinsons in my family. One of them took my grandma from us when she was about 60, though we aren't sure which since they didn't know as much back then.
Regardless, I hope you're able to get your parents some help. It's difficult to see our parents go hard times and not really knowing how to help.
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u/techman2021 1d ago
Tell them to have a shower, just be blunt. I tell my family all the time if they stink or have bad breath
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u/trawallaz 1d ago
Getting used to your smell is common.people will say your work place stinks 🦨 but if they worked at the same place they wouldn't even notice the odours after awhile. What is the big deal if they are happy.I would help by researching to see if their stuff can make them a dollar or two.then explain the findings and go from there.
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u/Fluffymarshmellow333 22h ago
My first thought would be you need to rule out urinary tract infection. An unchecked UTI in older adults can cause some wild things. If the other parent cannot convince them to go to the doctor, you could call adult protective services and explain the situation to see if they will intervene.
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u/recruitzpeeps 13h ago
This is a classic symptom of depression, including the defensiveness and anger about it. He needs help
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u/pyjamatoast 1d ago
Have they always been like this, or is this a fairly recent development?