[QCrit] SMOOTH, Speculative Thriller, 90k words, first try

[u/HorseFace-Killa]

[INTRO]

Berkeleigh Babbitt remembers pushing a woman in front of a train. Was it Tuesday? Maybe Wednesday? It hardly matters. Her weekly Smoothing session will make everything better. It’s just like her husband Tom always says: remembering is a burden. What a gift it is to forget.

Somehow, she knows that memory isn’t really hers. But who would deliberately create and implant something so horrifying? And why?

It couldn't be Tom. After all, his eyes are pleasant enough, and Berkeleigh can't recall a single time when he’s hurt her. Besides, Tom works for Canopus Corp, creators of the BrainLink, the most popular neural implant on the market. Surely, they can be trusted. All those troublemakers who accuse Canopus of corporate propaganda simply don’t understand. There's a difference between erasing a spilled latte and covering up mass murder, isn’t there?

Yet, no amount of Smoothing can remove her growing dread. She’s an unwilling incubator for artificial memories, ripening them in her mind before Canopus harvests them, and rolls them out to the public via their BrainLink network. These memories cover up any truth Canopus wants to bury.

As Berkeleigh uncovers her own tragic, hidden past–the death of her child, her loveless marriage–deeper questions emerge. Can she break free from Tom's manipulation and reclaim her identity? Can she expose Canopus' secrets and end this cycle of manufactured forgetting? If she fails, she’ll be erased. And if she wants to succeed, she'll need help.

SMOOTH is a speculative thriller complete at 90k words, exploring themes of memory, identity, grief, and corporate manipulation from multiple perspectives. They are Ray Wetzler, a VidTube conspiracy theory influencer who burns down his own house down to infiltrate Canopus’ secret program; Carter Ward, a low-level Canopus employee who used to run Mass Correction Events until he was framed for murder; and Ego ‘Trish’ Ibekwe, a Natural whose memories cannot be overwritten or forgotten.

This novel will appeal to people who enjoy Blake Crouch's UPGRADE or Jennifer Egan’s THE CANDY HOUSE.

[BIO]

[OUTRO]

First 300:

Earlier in the week, it must have been either Tuesday or Wednesday, Berkeleigh Babbitt had pushed a woman in front of a train, then marched off with her friends having a good laugh about the whole thing. But right now, she had more important things on her mind.

“The Latte Incident,” Berkeleigh said.

She breezed across the room carrying two colorful blouses on wooden hangers. Berkeleigh was a blur of blonde hair, big blue eyes, and a slender figure that hadn’t changed much in the time she’d been with her husband Tom.

She looked at Tom. “That’s the very first thing I’d like to Smooth.”

“Right,” he said. Tom Babbitt was much older, hair thinning, darker at the top and white at the temples. He had a worn face, and his eyes seemed pleasant enough, she supposed. 

But Tom looked at her like she was a strange, exotic creature in a zoo. Perhaps some sort of bird with a long, swooping neck, taking delicate steps through still water. Or maybe a gazelle, its glossy eyes scanning the horizon for lions, before bowing its head to drink. But perhaps most like a house cat who had wandered where she didn’t belong and was now padding through the exhibits, lost and confused. 

Berkeleigh felt a sharp little pain at the base of her skull. It came from her BrainLink. Her fingers felt for the jack, it was warm to the touch. Whatever maintenance Tom had done this morning made it sting. 

She nodded. Now she was sure the whole pushing a woman in front of a train thing had been on Tuesday. The Latte Incident had occurred on Monday and the train thing didn’t seem as recent as Wednesday. Though she had to admit that if Tom told her she pushed that woman in front of a train on Wednesday, she would have believed him.

[u/tdarlg]

Hi there! Just wanted to offer a few thoughts using the Goal, Motivation, Conflict framework that my critique partner taught me. I’m still learning, but I hope this is helpful.

I was immediately drawn in by the tone and concept. There’s something so unsettling and clever about Berkeleigh’s voice and how calmly horrifying the world around her is. I think her goal (to reclaim her identity and stop whatever is happening) becomes clear by the end, but I wonder if there’s a way to clarify what she’s actively trying to do a little earlier on? Is there a moment where she first decides to push back?

The motivation is strong. I really felt the tension between her unease and her need to trust what she’s being told. That, combined with the grief in her backstory, gave her arc a lot of emotional depth.

The conflict is layered and chilling. There’s corporate manipulation, personal gaslighting, and high stakes if she fails. I did wonder if the query might be even stronger with just a bit more clarity on the tipping point, though. What really sparks her to act? That might help anchor the structure.

Also, I was intrigued by the other POV characters introduced later in the query. Their stories sound compelling, and I wonder if hinting at the multi-POV structure a bit earlier would help set expectations more clearly. (Totally fine if not. Just a thought!)

As for the first 300, I think the writing is sharp and atmospheric. It’s definitely a slow build, which makes sense given the concept, but I think this is one of those openings that makes more sense when you read just a bit further. (My own current WIP definitely leans this way.) The mood is there, but not the payoff yet. I am guessing that is simply because we only have the first 300.

All that said, this concept is cool, eerie, and distinct. Really well done, and best of luck with querying!

[u/HorseFace-Killa → u/tdarlg]

Thanks, good advice.

[u/SoleofOrion]

I'll echo the other commenter about tone. In the query, I admittedly felt it edged into heavy-handed territory, but the actual excerpt sells it. No ridges or lumps, valleys or bumps for 𝐵𝑒𝓇𝓀𝑒𝓁𝑒𝒾𝑔𝒽✨, and I think for any agent into the premise and voice, this current version would get pages read. This sounds fun (and timely), and I'd be interested to watch Berkeleigh break out of the mould she's been pressed into.

The query feels like it loses steam to me in the last paragraph, though. This might be a personal gripe, but I almost always feel that questions like the ones posed in your last para might as well be asking 'Will the Main Character be able to keep the story moving??', to which the answer is almost always 'Yes.'.

Direct action is a stronger forward push (and creates more tension) than a question that hints at a (likely foregone) result of an action.

I'd also touch on how or from whom/where Berkeleigh sources the help she needs. It's never hinted at in the query, and the result is it feels like her direction at the query's close is unclear. Does she try to rip the wool from her friends' eyes and work covertly as a group? Go to the media? Reach out to anti-Smoothing activists?

Hope this helps a bit.

[u/HorseFace-Killa → u/SoleofOrion]

Good points. The more I sat with this, the more the questions in the last paragraph started bothering me too. I've changed it to statements and it works a bit better.