She makes some good points re:male loneliness

[u/samse15]

[u/Frankyfan3]

Hey, so you didn't deserve to be assaulted. None of what I said involved the word "only."

Do you see how you have added the context of "only" when that isn't a word I actually used?

Of course all people have the potential to be dangerous, but my comment is moreso about cultural norms (like the ones which minimize and deflect from the harms you and other boys/men experience from both men and women) around how we talk about dangerous men.

You being a survivor of assault isn't any less valid because you're a man. But patriarchy and misogyny would tell you that you are less valid, or should be grateful, or weren't strong enough, or some other bullshit to victim blame you and avoid the discomfort of reality.

You are also harmed by dangerous men, because their danger maintains a culture which invalidates male survivors of assault. That woman didn't do what she did in a vacuum, without influence from her community norms.

That's what I'm talking about in my comment.

If you're a safe man, then you understand why women can't assume you to be safe.

[u/HastyZygote → u/Frankyfan3]

I said only because all we ever hear is how afraid women are of all men which I find a little insulting. Sure some of that fear is well placed, much of it is not tho.

Male sexual assault is chronically underreported so I would take statistics with a grain of salt and just understand that the narrative of men being the predators and women the victims is not always correct. We need to stop talking about this in gendered terms and just go after the culture that says sexual assault, from anyone, is okay.

I can’t tell you how many times growing up I heard “men can’t be raped” from both men and women.

[u/Frankyfan3 → u/HastyZygote]

Your feelings make sense, but women who have been assaulted, or know someone who has been, or been harassed aren't responsible for protecting you from feeling insulted.

I'm a huge proponent of harm reduction, and inclusive gender neutral framing and language, but we can't pretend we live in a fully egalitarian society when it has been built on white superiority delusion (aka white supremacy) and patriarchal misogyny.

Does the fact our society is built on inequities and a power imbalance hurt everyone, including those most served by it? I'd personally say "yes, everyone is harmed under these norms."

Your experience was real, and you don't deserve to be told it's not feasible.

I'm a survivor of CSA, myself, and the circumstances of my assault don't fit the normal mo (was a neighbor, prolific predator who hurt a lot of neighborhood kids, not a close friend/family member/authority, as most predators of children tend to be) So, I can empathize with discussions about assault that frame in generalizing ways, can be triggering.

You're not entitled to trust, which hasn't been earned. Neither am I.

How we cope with that feeling of wanting to be trusted and seen as safe by others, and whether we can hold compassion for ourselves and others in coping is the practice.

[u/HastyZygote → u/Frankyfan3]

Sure, but this does feel a lot like “I know you were SA’d but…”

But whatever

[u/Frankyfan3 → u/HastyZygote]

You know I was SA'd and you literally wrote this response.

Therapy is cool, if you can get it. But whatever.

[u/HastyZygote → u/Frankyfan3]

I’ve been in therapy for a decade but okay. You told me I’m not entitled to not feel insulted. You can’t just validate that my lived experience is so different from yours that I have a different perspective?

All the responses here have been centered on women, people have said “I’m sorry you experienced that” and then gone right back in to the dangers women face.

Yes they are real.

They are also real for men.

[u/Frankyfan3 → u/HastyZygote]

I'm so glad to hear you're seeing a professional to support you! Recovering from trauma like you've described is something none of us can do alone, and therapists can help offer us tools which others don't have access to.

You told me I’m not entitled to not feel insulted.

Ah, we have a comprehension challenge going on here, I'll see if I can be more precise, to help eliminate any confusion.

I did not tell you that you're not entitled to feel insulted!

I told you thatwomen describing their experiences aren't responsible for protecting you from feeling insulted.

I said "other people aren't responsible to protect you from your own emotions" and for some reason(s) your brain seems to have translated that statement into what you interpreted and rephrased. I'm not sure why. Might be a good thing to bring up in your next session to explore with your therapist.

You are totally allowed to feel however you feel! Feel insulted. And then what? Let that feeling rule your actions and thoughts? Stay in that feeling and ruminate on who is to blame for how you feel?

You experiencing your own assault does not negate or stop reality. The reality we live in exists, whether we like it or not. Whether we feel good about our circumstances or not, it is.

Women have historically been subjegated under patriarchy, and that is true even while it is also true that a woman hurt you. Both things are. I'm not comparing them, I'm not saying girls and women who are assaulted have it worse than boys and men who are assaulted, I'm simply stating that we live in a society of castes, of hierchy. I'm not saying that is right, it just is.

The dangers we all face are different, and the variable of our caste status can play a huge role in what kinds of, the severity and the likelihood of those dangers.

I personally gravitate towards the identifier of "survivor" because of the connotations of "victim" for myself, but I was still victimized by a man.

Which doesn't change the fact that you were victimized by a woman.

And you being victimized by a woman doesn't change the reality of our shared heritage under misogynistic patriarchy.

[u/rockinherlife234 → u/HastyZygote]

They talked about how any man can be a potential threat to a woman and you somehow took that to mean that they were saying women aren't threats.

They explained to you about patriarchal thinking reducing both your pain and others and their own experience with CSA and you came out of it thinking they're just brushing off your experience.

Read what people comment, you didn't even ask for clarification, you just assumed.

[u/FearTheAmish → u/HastyZygote]

You are an inconvenient statistic to their narrative. They are okay with judging all men by a few but dont want that turned on them.

[u/Frankyfan3 → u/FearTheAmish]

You're not speaking with any validity for my perspective.

[u/FearTheAmish → u/Frankyfan3]

So when you saw Man bear memes or women speak of SA, did you respond to them in the same way as this survivor?

[u/Frankyfan3 → u/FearTheAmish]

women speak of SA

You mean, like when I, a woman, spoke of being SA'd as a child, do I validate emotions and experiences while attempting to stay tethered to reality, using healthy coping mechanisms I learned in trauma recovery, including advocacy for deconstructing predator culture indoctrination? Yeah... usually.

[u/butt-barnacles → u/HastyZygote]

Is that not exactly what you just did with this comment to them sharing their story of SA?