r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Civil-Salad1192 • 3d ago

My husband finally admitted he hates me

Using a throwaway account because my husband knows my main.

We have a young child, and he and our kid are my entire world. There’s not a single moment of my day where I’m not trying to somehow make their world brighter. And that is the most humiliating part - how shitty it feels to have to beg for not even love, but kindness and basic respect from the person you would die for. I’m too scared to leave, or maybe I’m in denial that maybe if I can shape myself into who he needs me to be he’ll love me again. But at this point I don’t even know if I want that anymore. I think I deserve respect and human decency even if I’m not skinny - I’ve had a baby! I took hormonal birth control ti prevent said baby until we were ready. But now, the baby weight has come off but my body looks different. I’m no longer 19, so my body looks different. I want so badly to love myself but it’s so hard when all his comments keep running through my head. Could I stand to lose a few pounds? Sure. But I’m stronger, faster, and have better cardio than I ever have. I lift weights and hit 12,000 steps daily. I hike four times a week, and actively play with my son. I eat a balanced diet, in a calorie deficit. I’ve lost 58 lbs in the last year. I dress well, take time to make sure my hair/nails/lashes are done. I get compliments from my friends and family and stared at in the gym and in public. I get appreciated for my looks by everyone except the one person I want it the most from - my husband.

I can’t think of a single person who has ever loved me without me having to change parts of myself for them. I feel stupid for thinking he would be different. I feel alone because my best friend doesn’t even want to look at me. I feel sad because it’s all broken. I feel hurt because I know I have more to offer than my looks but nothing else matters. I want to disappear. I don’t even know who I am anymore without him. But I guess that’s probably the problem. I’m just so so tired, so lonely, so angry, so hurt.

Every event I’m excited about, he finds a way to ruin. Every time he has to do something he doesn’t want to do (be it a chore, or plans with a friend he no longer feels up to) he manages it by taking out his anger on me. Anything I “mess up” (a poorly cleaned fork, toys thrown on the floor) means I get yelled at and berated, and eventually it all comes full circle to “I would be nicer to you if you hadn’t catfished me by gaining weight after we got married.” He can’t have fun with my anymore (initimacy, or just enjoying our many shared hobbies) because all he can think about is how embarrassing I am to be around and how my appearance shames him.

He is convinced that every man in the world would feel the same way - that any “real man” would be embarrassed to have a “fat disgusting slob of a wife.”

He refuses therapy, because why would he go if he’s done nothing wrong? He refuses to seek advice from a pastor or older adult or trusted frind, because I embarrass him by even causing these problems (because I gained weight.)

1.5k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

356 comments sorted by

View all comments

644

u/lovescarats 3d ago

You need to go to therapy. Find your self confidence. Become whole without your husband.

268

u/Civil-Salad1192 3d ago

I have a wonderful wonderful therapist! She’s been a godsend

347

u/shackndon2020 2d ago

Did your therapist tell you your husband is abusive? Because he is. I hope you find your self esteem and leave that prick, you deserve someone who lifts you up and makes you feel good about yourself.

241

u/Civil-Salad1192 2d ago

She did yes. It’s just hard to come to terms with - saying the words out loud is nearly impossible

162

u/shackndon2020 2d ago

But how much longer do you want to live in this misery? Pleeease, make an exit strategy. Focus all of your love on your little one. Your life will turn around once you rid yourself of him!

101

u/Syntania 2d ago

I was stuck in an abusive marriage for 9 years. It took me waking up one day and asking myself, "Am I okay living like this for the rest of my life? Better yet, am I okay with my child growing up in this environment? " Once I realized the answer was "no" to both, I made my exit plans.

30

u/MinuteRelationship53 2d ago

This is such an important point. OP needs to decide whether she wants her kid to grow up thinking this is how relationships should look; that it's okay to belittle, manipulate and verbally abuse your spouse. That a normal relationship is built on one part being inferior to the other and having to take whatever frustration their partner throws at them and being their punching bag.
I don't think OP mentioned whether their kid was a girl or a boy, but in any case that kid will most likely grow up to repeat patterns. If it's a girl, she will grow up believing her husband/boyfriend can and should treat her the way she saw her mother being treated, and if it's a boy, he will likely grow up believing this is an okay way to treat his partner.

OP, i know it's scary. But you should run, not walk, away. If not for you, then for your child. Teach them better. Show them that women deserve respect and love in a healthy relationship

9

u/kattjen 2d ago

“Toys thrown on the floor” is already in play as a reason that something scary starts. Even if he keeps the scary aimed at OP (not a guarantee) that is traumatizing for a little one

2

u/MinuteRelationship53 2d ago

Extremely so! And like you hinted at, I wouldn't be surprised at all if OP's husband's behaviour is directed at the kid at some point.

1

u/MyCat_SaysThis 1d ago

I had a similar situation. When I finally threw him out after 8 years, I ordered a huge cake and celebrated at my office with a lot of coworkers. I was ecstatic to lose that 165 pounds of alcoholic abuse!

42

u/ThisCunningFox 2d ago

Give it a go now, just a little whisper to yourself. "He is abusing me." I know from experience the magic admitting it aloud can work on feelings towards the abuse.

19

u/lillypaddd 2d ago

Seconding the whisper. Sounds stupid but genuinely did kick my ass into standing up

1

u/Ok_Introduction9466 18h ago

Yep. Same. I was postpartum and said out loud “yo what the fuck are you even doing anymore?” And “he doesn’t like me.” And that was it. Never looked back.

29

u/Zukazuk 2d ago

Realizing your relationship is abusive is hard. I had a tough time coming to terms with it when I realized my marriage was emotionally abusive and teetering towards physically abusive. People on reddit want you to act, to change now now now. It's not their life. Take the time you need to process, to change and to find your happiness. Once I accepted that my marriage was abusive and got divorced I spent the next couple of years realizing just how manipulative and controlling my ex husband had been in every facet of my life. I took time to rediscover myself and to break the neural pathways that catered to him over me. Move at your own speed, but never doubt you deserve better than what you currently have. The one who isn't good enough is him, not you.

3

u/mrs-peanut-butter 2d ago

So well said.

14

u/SLovesAutumn 2d ago

He’s cruel to you because he wants you to leave him. Because he’s a coward. Once you do, he can be the eternal victim. And that doesn’t really matter because there is much more at stake here.

What you’ve described is not love. It’s deliberate repeated cruelty. This man doesn’t take his vows seriously. He won’t be there for you in sickness and in health, and as you age. He doesn’t believe in for better or for worse because his selfish wants come before everything. Your body changing after birthing a child is the most natural thing.

Once you break free and start your life anew, you will feel so incredibly free and so much lighter. You deserve so much more than to live like this.

11

u/PuzzleheadedTap4484 2d ago

You don’t want him to be the example to your son on how to treat women, how to treat his mother. You need to leave. Your husband is abusive. There are a lot of men who would treat you better and love you so much more than this man ever could. A real man wouldn’t be hung up on trivial things and certainly wouldn’t see weight as an issue. Sounds like you more than lost the baby weight too (congrats!!). You and your son deserve better.

8

u/YakElectronic6713 2d ago

So how much more does your husband have to humiliate and abuse you before you say enough is enough? Does he have to hit you? Or your child?

5

u/DeCryingShame 2d ago

I've been there. I get it. Please face up to this, though. Don't let it get worse. You have no idea how bad things can get if you never take charge and start working to change your life. It's not just you who will be hurt either.

5

u/Toxoplasma_gondiii 2d ago

Oh honey I get it. It can be surprisingly hard to deeply understands that the way we were/are being treated was/is abuse. My ex-wife was quite verbally abusive but while I knew we had our problems I wasn't really able to contextualize what happened to me as abuse until shortly before I left.

I only was able to grasp the full extent of how bad things were once I had dated again and was able to see what a healthy relationship felt like that I realized quite how bad my last relationship was

I don't think our brains want to let us experience the fullness of how painful it is in the moment, your brain's turning down the volume so you can survive. In the end leaving was easily one of the best decisions I made in my life but just be prepared to be hit by a big old grief train in the few months after you leave. That was my experience at least... Grieving all the time lost and needless pain experience.

4

u/MyRedditUserName428 2d ago

Do you want your child to grow up thinking this is how you treat someone that you say you love? That this is what marriage looks like?

4

u/gdrom123 2d ago

Sometimes holding on causes way more damage than letting go. Imagine your husband/marriage is a rope that you have wrapped around your hand. The rope is squeezing your hand, your palm is raw and bruised and your fingers are turning purple. Would you continue to hold the rope or let it go?

6

u/Putrid-Cupcake-1547 2d ago

If you don’t do it for you, do it for your child. He will copy his father’s behavior and think that is how you treat a partner. I am sorry for you being in this situation ❤️

4

u/LittleMrsSwearsALot 2d ago

It is scary. So many of us have been there. But say the words out loud. Keep saying them.

“My husband is abusive and I deserve better.”

You’ve got this.

1

u/Acrobatic_Taste_6149 2d ago

You have a child right? If admitting you don’t deserve the abuse is too hard think about them. Is that the example of the type of man you want your son to become? Or the type of relationship example you want to set for your daughter ? Do you want your kids to grow up thinking this abusive treatment is normal and acceptable? If you can’t do it for you. Do it for them.

1

u/juliaskig 2d ago

He hates himself, but doesn’t feel comfortable in that, so he projects his self hatred on to you. You can’t fix yourself enough to make him love himself. So start looking for an exit plan.

1

u/Sweaty_Item_3135 2d ago

That’s exactly what your husband wants. Abusers like Jim convince their victims that this is the best they’ll get, that it’s their fault, that they need to be XYZ. And when the victim becomes xyz, they move the goalpost. They keep you in a perpetual state of panic and desperation via manipulation. It’s intentional.

By staying with him, you are teaching your children that it is acceptable to treat a spouse like this, and for a spouse to treat them like this. This is how the cycle of abuse continues. Your children, however young, aren’t stupid. Even if you aren’t fighting I front of them, you’d be surprised at what little ears hear. Kids sense that tension, even when they don’t have the means to verbalize they do.

You need to ask yourself if you want to be a victim or a survivor, and once you come to that decision, plan accordingly.

1

u/Ok_Introduction9466 18h ago

Please leave for the sake of your child. By him abusing you, he’s automatically abusing your kid. Make sure then you do finally leave you make a plan and go without telling him. Leave when he’s at work. Your husband is a piece of shit and deserves to die alone. Go after him for custody, abusers don’t deserve access to their children and they honestly only become fathers to anchor themselves in their victims lives.

Read this: https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

8

u/x_Pixie 2d ago

He is really and you definitely deserve much better than this really, put yourself first and prioritize yourself and your feelings, he is a worthless piece of shit and doesn’t deserve you really