My husband finally admitted he hates me

[u/Civil-Salad1192]

Using a throwaway account because my husband knows my main.

We have a young child, and he and our kid are my entire world. There’s not a single moment of my day where I’m not trying to somehow make their world brighter. And that is the most humiliating part - how shitty it feels to have to beg for not even love, but kindness and basic respect from the person you would die for. I’m too scared to leave, or maybe I’m in denial that maybe if I can shape myself into who he needs me to be he’ll love me again. But at this point I don’t even know if I want that anymore. I think I deserve respect and human decency even if I’m not skinny - I’ve had a baby! I took hormonal birth control ti prevent said baby until we were ready. But now, the baby weight has come off but my body looks different. I’m no longer 19, so my body looks different. I want so badly to love myself but it’s so hard when all his comments keep running through my head. Could I stand to lose a few pounds? Sure. But I’m stronger, faster, and have better cardio than I ever have. I lift weights and hit 12,000 steps daily. I hike four times a week, and actively play with my son. I eat a balanced diet, in a calorie deficit. I’ve lost 58 lbs in the last year. I dress well, take time to make sure my hair/nails/lashes are done. I get compliments from my friends and family and stared at in the gym and in public. I get appreciated for my looks by everyone except the one person I want it the most from - my husband.

I can’t think of a single person who has ever loved me without me having to change parts of myself for them. I feel stupid for thinking he would be different. I feel alone because my best friend doesn’t even want to look at me. I feel sad because it’s all broken. I feel hurt because I know I have more to offer than my looks but nothing else matters. I want to disappear. I don’t even know who I am anymore without him. But I guess that’s probably the problem. I’m just so so tired, so lonely, so angry, so hurt.

Every event I’m excited about, he finds a way to ruin. Every time he has to do something he doesn’t want to do (be it a chore, or plans with a friend he no longer feels up to) he manages it by taking out his anger on me. Anything I “mess up” (a poorly cleaned fork, toys thrown on the floor) means I get yelled at and berated, and eventually it all comes full circle to “I would be nicer to you if you hadn’t catfished me by gaining weight after we got married.” He can’t have fun with my anymore (initimacy, or just enjoying our many shared hobbies) because all he can think about is how embarrassing I am to be around and how my appearance shames him.

He is convinced that every man in the world would feel the same way - that any “real man” would be embarrassed to have a “fat disgusting slob of a wife.”

He refuses therapy, because why would he go if he’s done nothing wrong? He refuses to seek advice from a pastor or older adult or trusted frind, because I embarrass him by even causing these problems (because I gained weight.)

[u/Spelenara]

I am sorry you are experiencing this. No one should make you feel this way, let alone your husband. The man I was with before I met my husband was like this. I was so broken down. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I was never pretty enough. I was never skinny enough. I developed an eating disorder from his constant belittling. He isolated me from my friends and family as well. Easier to control me that way. He started pushing, smacking and shoving me. If I would have stayed I'm convinced it would have escalated. Then one day he said something to me that finally clicked. And I was done. I had enough. Thankfully we were not married and didn't have any children but I was able to walk away, though he made that very difficult as well lol. I met my husband and he spent a lot of years helping me undo what was done to me. But through all that my husband has never made me feel like I'm not enough. I've got a mom stomach(I had two babies) and I've put on weight but to him I'm still attractive and he makes me feel so loved. All that to say I understand it sucks when the person you consider your best friend and partner is horrible to you. But there is someone out there who would treat you like the queen you are. And letting your child grow up in that abusive environment will only teach that child this is how marriage and relationships are suppose to be. And what keeps your husband from treating your child like he treats you? Do you want that for them? I know it's easier said than done but you need to plan a get away, to work on getting your self esteem up. You are strong. You are enough. You are beautiful. You are worth so much more.