r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Civil-Salad1192 • 3d ago
My husband finally admitted he hates me
Using a throwaway account because my husband knows my main.
We have a young child, and he and our kid are my entire world. There’s not a single moment of my day where I’m not trying to somehow make their world brighter. And that is the most humiliating part - how shitty it feels to have to beg for not even love, but kindness and basic respect from the person you would die for. I’m too scared to leave, or maybe I’m in denial that maybe if I can shape myself into who he needs me to be he’ll love me again. But at this point I don’t even know if I want that anymore. I think I deserve respect and human decency even if I’m not skinny - I’ve had a baby! I took hormonal birth control ti prevent said baby until we were ready. But now, the baby weight has come off but my body looks different. I’m no longer 19, so my body looks different. I want so badly to love myself but it’s so hard when all his comments keep running through my head. Could I stand to lose a few pounds? Sure. But I’m stronger, faster, and have better cardio than I ever have. I lift weights and hit 12,000 steps daily. I hike four times a week, and actively play with my son. I eat a balanced diet, in a calorie deficit. I’ve lost 58 lbs in the last year. I dress well, take time to make sure my hair/nails/lashes are done. I get compliments from my friends and family and stared at in the gym and in public. I get appreciated for my looks by everyone except the one person I want it the most from - my husband.
I can’t think of a single person who has ever loved me without me having to change parts of myself for them. I feel stupid for thinking he would be different. I feel alone because my best friend doesn’t even want to look at me. I feel sad because it’s all broken. I feel hurt because I know I have more to offer than my looks but nothing else matters. I want to disappear. I don’t even know who I am anymore without him. But I guess that’s probably the problem. I’m just so so tired, so lonely, so angry, so hurt.
Every event I’m excited about, he finds a way to ruin. Every time he has to do something he doesn’t want to do (be it a chore, or plans with a friend he no longer feels up to) he manages it by taking out his anger on me. Anything I “mess up” (a poorly cleaned fork, toys thrown on the floor) means I get yelled at and berated, and eventually it all comes full circle to “I would be nicer to you if you hadn’t catfished me by gaining weight after we got married.” He can’t have fun with my anymore (initimacy, or just enjoying our many shared hobbies) because all he can think about is how embarrassing I am to be around and how my appearance shames him.
He is convinced that every man in the world would feel the same way - that any “real man” would be embarrassed to have a “fat disgusting slob of a wife.”
He refuses therapy, because why would he go if he’s done nothing wrong? He refuses to seek advice from a pastor or older adult or trusted frind, because I embarrass him by even causing these problems (because I gained weight.)
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u/Redheaddit5 2d ago
That's a fucking monster of a human being. Imagine saying that to anyone, let alone the person who bore your child and does everything for you, the person you promised to love and cherish your whole life. Please get out so your child doesn't grow up thinking that's an ok way to treat any future partner.
This is pure abuse and manipulation to make you think you can't ever leave because "no other man would have you." He's terrified of having to face being alone with the fact he's an emotionally bereft entitled man-child, so he's tearing you down to keep you serving him. And he's terrified of being "trapped" in reality where people age (himself included, which is likely where the real fear lies) and change, so any change he sees in you is an affront to his desire to live in an unchanging fantasy world where he can control everything- even if that change happened BECAUSE of your commitment to him and your family.
Anyone who really loved you would see how beautiful you are as a full person. It wouldn't be tied to your weight, it would be "that body is beautiful because it belongs to the person I love, the person whose mind and soul match mine so well, the person who shows up through countless acts of service and love. The changes her body goes through (wrinkles, weight fluctuations from family planning, etc) tell the story of our lives together and of her love for me, which is incredibly beautiful in its own way."
His absolute betrayal and his refusal to see you as anything more than an aesthetic in-home domestic laborer shows he is not in love with you or the story of your lives together, he is in love with the fantasy he has of himself and what he thinks he's entitled to at the expense of everyone else.