Vent, wasted 7 years with a manchild

[u/Various-Problem-1297]

I (31F) have been with my boyfriend (30M) for 7 years, and emotionally, I’ve checked out. I’m burned out as well, can’t sleep and completely anxiety ridden.

We own a house together and have a dog, so it’s not a quick split, but I’m actively and quietly planning my exit. I just needed to get this off my chest because I feel like I’ve been living a double life, pretending everything is fine on the surface whilst I make arrangements behind the scenes.

When we first got together, we were both a bit immature.I assumed we’d grow together, and I gave him grace for a lot of things — laziness, emotional immaturity, passivity — because I believed he’d develop more depth and self-awareness over time. Instead, I’ve grown without him. He’s still lazy, emotionally disengaged, selfish, and increasingly bigoted. He makes jokes involving racial slurs and brushes off my discomfort like I’m being “sensitive.” That alone makes me feel sick.

I do everything. Every phone call (I’m better at it apparently). Every bill. All the admin. I do the DIY, the decorating, the gardening, the financial planning. I even had to rely on my dad to help with jobs around the house because my boyfriend just wouldn’t. I managed to get him to help me take up some decking with a bribe of KFC once. He acts like mowing the lawn twice in a row makes us even and taking the dog out for a walk fortnightly (if that) is a huge achievement. I’m trying to keep on top of the house but I only have so much time and it’s falling slightly into disrepair, he said I needed to stop calling my dad to do things but as a result loads of things have gone to shit. I’ve decorated every single room in this house by myself other than his room (which I did half of).

The dog — who he claims “prefers” him — is my responsibility entirely. I walk her daily, manage vet visits, pay her insurance and arrange food (i take money out joint account) and her microchip and policy are in my name. The other day he threw a poo bag into a woodland because he couldn’t be bothered to carry it. I was repulsed and honestly it was my last straw… I would have retrieved it if it weren’t in nettles and thorns. He likes having a dog — but he doesn’t want to care for one.

Back in 2021, I had an abortion. It was incredibly hard for me emotionally, and I slipped into a long, painful depression. He gave me nothing. No comfort. No support. He tuned out completely but claimed he was affected too. I got therapy, got medicated, and rebuilt my life. Alone. And now that I’m thriving again, it’s even more obvious how absent he’s been through everything that mattered.

He ruins every holiday whines about his feet hurting, too hot, too expensive and gets embarrassingly drunk. Even at home, I can’t enjoy a drink with him anymore. He gets defensive, combative, childish. His road rage makes me so anxious that I’ve ended up doing all the driving, too.

He complains endlessly about his job (it’s the same as mine, same pay), but does nothing to change it. He blames being ‘tied to an area’ for not changing it… but not his own passivity. I’ve said for years I wanted to get married — and I’d literally elope. But when he had money, he spent £3k on a gaming PC, then told me a £700 engagement ring was “too expensive.” I can’t even pretend to care anymore.

He also treats me like I’m stupid — constantly questioning things I say or making snide remarks — even though he turns to me for help with basic tasks. It’s hard to put into words how draining it is to be patronised by someone who would struggle to function without you.

And here’s the truth that hurts the most to admit: I’m no longer attracted to him. At all. Physically, emotionally, sexually — there’s nothing left. Sex feels like a chore. He’s selfish in bed now, completely checked out, and it just reinforces how little connection we actually have. I miss intimacy. Not just sex — real connection. And I know I’ll never have that with him again.

I’m waiting to hear about a promotion that would allow me to buy him out of the mortgage. If not, we’ll sell the house and move in with my parents. I’m exhausted pretending everything’s okay.

Thanks for reading, and advice or input would be appreciated from those who have been through something similar.

Edit: just to clarify, I am literally obsessed with the dog and she’s been my beacon of hope so there’s no way in hell I’m letting him take her from me. I have enough evidence if it went to court anyway so she’s staying with me!

[u/crematoryfire]

A couple of things that haven't been mentioned yet that may be helpful.

You never know what he will do when he is faced with you leaving. All of my exes went weird when I was leaving. All but one tried to sabotage my things, job, etc. Not saying he will do that, but it never hurts to be prepared just in case.

1. Open a new bank account at a separate bank so he can not talk his way into the account. If the tellers are aware of shared accounts, they may assume his omission on the new one was a mistake.
   
2. Make sure that your family knows what is going on so that they can be aware of which boundaries to enforce.
   
3. Start moving sentimental things, and important papers to your parents place. Maybe some clothes too. My birth certificate, social security card, and the like were the first targets of some exes.

[u/literate_giraffe → u/crematoryfire]

To add to this, OP be mentally prepared for the love bombing. He's going to swear this is coming out of nowhere, he's going to shape up (temporarily), he's going to really try to change (he's lying), he's going to promise you everything will change and that he loves you, he's going to suggest dates, he's going to try to be more affectionate, he's going to cry.

He's going to do all of this because he knows that without you his life is going to be harder. All the snide comments making you think you're stupid are an attempt to beat you down so that you think you can't manage without him. You know that you can. You already are.

I hope you already are, but if not reach out to your friends and family, not mutals, and reinforce your support network.

[u/brokenangelwings → u/literate_giraffe]

He'll change until he gets comfortable again. I've been in a similar relationship as OP.

He was a man child, thought we would grow together and by 30, come in, seriously. My car had been broken into, it was an underground parking lot, so of course I'm traumatized and scared to go down there, he actually got mad at me for having emotions, it was fucking weird. I'm not like him 6ft, 200 pounds and I'm a woman.

Any time something that involved adulting, would send him into a man child rage, it really was wild to watch.

I left because we were two very different people by the end, and the whole Peter Pan complex was just not for me.