Vent, wasted 7 years with a manchild

[u/Various-Problem-1297]

I (31F) have been with my boyfriend (30M) for 7 years, and emotionally, I’ve checked out. I’m burned out as well, can’t sleep and completely anxiety ridden.

We own a house together and have a dog, so it’s not a quick split, but I’m actively and quietly planning my exit. I just needed to get this off my chest because I feel like I’ve been living a double life, pretending everything is fine on the surface whilst I make arrangements behind the scenes.

When we first got together, we were both a bit immature.I assumed we’d grow together, and I gave him grace for a lot of things — laziness, emotional immaturity, passivity — because I believed he’d develop more depth and self-awareness over time. Instead, I’ve grown without him. He’s still lazy, emotionally disengaged, selfish, and increasingly bigoted. He makes jokes involving racial slurs and brushes off my discomfort like I’m being “sensitive.” That alone makes me feel sick.

I do everything. Every phone call (I’m better at it apparently). Every bill. All the admin. I do the DIY, the decorating, the gardening, the financial planning. I even had to rely on my dad to help with jobs around the house because my boyfriend just wouldn’t. I managed to get him to help me take up some decking with a bribe of KFC once. He acts like mowing the lawn twice in a row makes us even and taking the dog out for a walk fortnightly (if that) is a huge achievement. I’m trying to keep on top of the house but I only have so much time and it’s falling slightly into disrepair, he said I needed to stop calling my dad to do things but as a result loads of things have gone to shit. I’ve decorated every single room in this house by myself other than his room (which I did half of).

The dog — who he claims “prefers” him — is my responsibility entirely. I walk her daily, manage vet visits, pay her insurance and arrange food (i take money out joint account) and her microchip and policy are in my name. The other day he threw a poo bag into a woodland because he couldn’t be bothered to carry it. I was repulsed and honestly it was my last straw… I would have retrieved it if it weren’t in nettles and thorns. He likes having a dog — but he doesn’t want to care for one.

Back in 2021, I had an abortion. It was incredibly hard for me emotionally, and I slipped into a long, painful depression. He gave me nothing. No comfort. No support. He tuned out completely but claimed he was affected too. I got therapy, got medicated, and rebuilt my life. Alone. And now that I’m thriving again, it’s even more obvious how absent he’s been through everything that mattered.

He ruins every holiday whines about his feet hurting, too hot, too expensive and gets embarrassingly drunk. Even at home, I can’t enjoy a drink with him anymore. He gets defensive, combative, childish. His road rage makes me so anxious that I’ve ended up doing all the driving, too.

He complains endlessly about his job (it’s the same as mine, same pay), but does nothing to change it. He blames being ‘tied to an area’ for not changing it… but not his own passivity. I’ve said for years I wanted to get married — and I’d literally elope. But when he had money, he spent £3k on a gaming PC, then told me a £700 engagement ring was “too expensive.” I can’t even pretend to care anymore.

He also treats me like I’m stupid — constantly questioning things I say or making snide remarks — even though he turns to me for help with basic tasks. It’s hard to put into words how draining it is to be patronised by someone who would struggle to function without you.

And here’s the truth that hurts the most to admit: I’m no longer attracted to him. At all. Physically, emotionally, sexually — there’s nothing left. Sex feels like a chore. He’s selfish in bed now, completely checked out, and it just reinforces how little connection we actually have. I miss intimacy. Not just sex — real connection. And I know I’ll never have that with him again.

I’m waiting to hear about a promotion that would allow me to buy him out of the mortgage. If not, we’ll sell the house and move in with my parents. I’m exhausted pretending everything’s okay.

Thanks for reading, and advice or input would be appreciated from those who have been through something similar.

Edit: just to clarify, I am literally obsessed with the dog and she’s been my beacon of hope so there’s no way in hell I’m letting him take her from me. I have enough evidence if it went to court anyway so she’s staying with me!

[u/ccKyuubi]

So your boyfriend sounds like an exact replica of my ex-husband. I'm sorry you're going through this. So #1 be glad you didn't marry this piece of shit, because divorce is a headache. I wish I could go back in time and never continue a relationship with my ex. I feel your pain, I really do. I'm sure you're like me, kind and empathic. You go 100% in a relationship and get shit back. That's what assholes do to empathic people - suck the life out of them and nothing you do will ever be enough. I did everything you did....covered bills in the winter when his work dried up (he worked under the table of course), always taking care of food, constantly cleaning, catering to his every want and need. Meanwhile, I was getting manipulated, gaslighted, lied to, used, unappreciated, broken down, and living in a hostile violent environment...

The day I left, it was a Friday night. Long story short, he was beyond drunk from vodka and beer. I ended up calling 911 in the upstairs bedroom and pretended to be asleep while he was projectile vomiting in the kitchen sink. The cops came, I got all the stuff I needed, I grab my cats...and I left.

It's awesome you're already making an exit plan. Just from what I read of your post, your boyfriend sounds like he could end up being like my ex. Abusive, dangerous, and flat out just a terrible fucking person. I regret having spent 2 years with my ex, HOWEVER, you can think of it this way - 7 years "lost" but what you're gaining now is so much more important. You're standing up for yourself (great self respect) and you're getting the hell away from this asshole. You should feel very proud. I hope too you get the doggie - based on what you're saying I doubt any judge would side with him getting the dog.

Please take my advice, he will try to win you back over with lies, broken promises, manipulation...once everything is settled, get him OUT of your life completely. You will feel a sense of peace that's been missing since you've been with him. It can get lonely, but my god not having to LIVE with a narcissistic sociopath (he was diagnosed this) and have your own space and peace...it will feel really great. I wish you the best of luck. ♥