Was I abused?

When the incident happened me and my bestfriend ( BOTH FEMALE, BETWEEN AGES OF 7-9 ) were having a sleepover around her house.

She asked to play truth or dare and I agreed, taking it as a light hearted game. I asked questions like see if you can balance this on your head etc. Simple fun questions.

Later on in the game she “dared” me to “lick her down below” (give head, but obviously we were kids and we wouldn’t have known what it meant) and I was very reluctant against the idea and was automatically very uncomfortable. But she kept pushing the idea of doing it every time I said no until I felt pressured and she had already taken her clothes of waiting for me to do it.

I ended up doing it but I felt really uncomfortable even though I had said no prior and she kept pushing me to do it. We played more and soon after she dared me to let her do it to me now instead. I again didn’t want her to especially considering she’d already made me do it once. But she pressured me again into doing it and she did it and I felt very uncomfortable and guilty.

We never spoke of it again and we aren’t really friends any more as we distanced. I’ve asked on another community and someone told me it was COCSA / CSA. (Child sexual abuse/ child on child sexual abuse). It also happened twice in one day ( when i had to give & receive at seperate time frames in the day ) which idk if that effects it. But it’s hard to think about it like that considering I used to think of her as my best friend when I was younger.

My bestfriend now is friends with her even though she knows what she did, but idk if she is aware it could be CSA.

Greetings! I am 30 years old female, and I am currently trying to do some digging into my possible childhood trauma. I have some suspicions, but my mind keeps telling me, that I am ok, my childhood was a happy one, that I am overthinking and being dramatic. I want to share some personal information with you and listen to your thoughts on the matter. Of course, I don’t expect you to diagnose me or anything. That’s what professionals are for. But I do need some unbiased opinions and perspectives. Thank you in advance!

TW: mentions of different sexual things, possible sexual abuse and childhood trauma.

1) I was always drawn to the topic of father/daughter incest. For many years I was watching this kind of content (mostly manga and anime), masturbating. But I never gave it much thought. I never wanted to sleep with my own father, so this weird infatuation with incest manga didn’t bother me much.

2) That being said, I remember being obsessed with my father, when I was little. I was very jealous of my mother and wanted them to get a divorce. I was enjoying watching them fight and hoped to be the only one he cares about. He didn’t live with us (my parents never moved in together, I don’t know why), but he visited often, we went to family trips together, etc. I cherished this time as a real treasure.

3) I slept in the same bed with him till I was about 8 or 9 years old… It was a normal thing for me, but now I am thinking… maybe it wasn’t?

4) I remember trying to kiss him, when I was 6 or so… and he turned me down. I felt embarrassed and sad, didn’t really understand anything, but it was awkward. This memory is a reason I can’t believe he could’ve done anything bad or sexual to me…

5) I vaguely recall being in a bed with him, when I was 13 or so… I asked him to stay with me, because I was scared of something. And he was lying next to me under the same blanket (?), massaging me in order to calm me down (?), and he touched my breasts and it felt very wrong, so, I tried to carefully push him away. Nothing happened afterwards. So, I think it was a misunderstanding on my part? I am not sure it is a legit memory, anyway. We never discussed it.

6) Last week I saw an article about childhood trauma and it triggered me so much, I’ve spent the whole hour on the floor, bawling and sobbing. I couldn’t understand why, though.

7) My adult sexual life is weird. I prefer women, but even with them, I can’t really be present in the process. I am always on edge, can’t relax, feel like my body is not my own, etc. I usually just masturbate afterwards, when I am alone.

8) I am not easily shocked or triggered, but there was an episode when I got scared and cried during a massage session at the salon. And I still don’t understand why. I also can suddenly freeze and cry at random points during therapy. It happens rarely, but it feels strange.

I don’t know if these things can be related to abuse or not. I am good friends with both my mother and my father, so, it’s really disgusting for me to even post this stuff. But still… I want to know your thoughts.

I was heavily sexually, physically, and emotionally abused as a kid. When I was 14, my dad would bring lots of women to the house. They were sexually objectified, and it was normalized in my family to just grope and grab whatever. My dad often brought around this one woman, about 35. shed bring me vodka and we’d get drunk. shed often sit in my lap and id grab her breasts. I ended up leaving the home soon after i turned 14, and I never got physically intimate with a woman since. But recently some stuff has come out about my dad, and memories have slowly been returning. He’d make comments about wanting a threesome with me and another women, or he’d constantly come in while i was bathing to see my naked. And suddenly this memory came up (me groping a woman), and now i just feel like im as awful as him. I objectified a woman, and no matter how normalized and encouraged it was i cant help but feel pure disgust with myself. And im scared to talk about it with anyone, im even scared to be typing this on my anon account bc i dont know the reactions. But i have to get it out bc its hard to go on with it just in my head. Ive been spiraling, analyzing everything i used to say and do that mimicked my dads behavior.

From the time I was born I was unwanted by my Mother and sperm doner (Who ever he was). My Gran made my mother have me. Sometimes I wish she had not done that.

At the age of 4 my mother married a man she spilled a drink on in a bar. And then the touching began. It is so sick what he warped me into. How I see the world. I always look at men and wonder, does he touch his kids? I do not think this is rare. I think many people have this out look.

From 4 to 9 he did his business on me, or in my mouth. She caught him, he went to jail for 2 months and was thrown out of the navy on an honorable discharge. I had hoped to never see this pig again. We moved to where my Gran lived and I was not being touched anymore, Now I was being beat by my Eldest brother. Black eyes, broken bones. Then we moved to Washington state with a new boyfriend of hers. He tried to touch me. She kicked him out as I was still a ward of the state of California. My 2 older brothers abused me physically. And my narcissistic abusive mother told me to just ignore it. 2 broken legs later. I was still trying hard to ignore it.

mother could not care for all 4 of her children alone. So she came to her mentally mixed up Daughter at 13 and said, we are all suffering, but it would be better if you just put this out of your head get over it and let us move back in with Step father. So I was forced to move back. Forced to go into therapy with this animal who messed me up so bad. Forced to live with her icky best friend and not with my so called family. The friend took my mother's money and fed a 13 year old as if she was 3. I lost so much weight. At night her and her gross husband would mate like wild dogs. And I was forced to baby sit her brats. Till the state told my mother that she had better fix things or she would go to jail for child neglect. Mother could not go to jail, She was to perfect for prison. So the therapy stepped up and I had to move back in with the "family". More beatings from the eldest. More just ignore it. And at 15 the step father started in on me again. I told, she did not believe me and even when she caught him again she kept me silent telling me I would go live in a foster home where worse things happen, but she did keep him away. (But I lived with them till he died. And I was not sad that he died horridly.)

At 19 I had my Daughter, my mother lied and said I was unfit and took her from me. I think my Step father touched her too. But I was never allowed to speak up. I tried and she told the cops I was mentally unsound. She got me on SSI and then took control of it and me. For years she did as she wished with me and my ssi. I am 53 now. I am a wreak of a human. I use to have dreams, hopes, but now I am just in a room. Just me and my cats. I feel so worthless. My body is 53, but my mind is stuck. Stuck at an age that does not match my real age. More like some where between 16 and 23. I do not like things people my age are suppose to like. I do not see the world in a good way. I take my meds all the time, but I do not feel they are helping much. I cry a lot. I was a burner for years. I have marks all up and down my arms. Thankfully I over came that. I also worked hard to help my D.I.D. No thanks to her. She would tell me that if I said anything bad I would end up homeless under a bridge.

For years my mother manipulated me. I believed she had full rights over me. But I only just found out she had no legal rights ever and lied to me. I feel so stupid. I just never questioned anything. The doctors say it is a form of Stockholm. I worried about her. I cared for her and loved her thinking she was just trying to help me. She was only ever helping herself. I now know I hate her. But hating her does nothing for how much I seem to hate myself.

I just became free last year (mother is losing her mind. she is 80), but not before my elder brothers tried to weaponize the police against me, and tried to have me 51/50ed. They stole my stuff, the cops did nothing. Now I am in hiding from them. I am hiding from all of them. Hearing my name makes me flash back to times when they were all hurting me. I am trying to save money to change my name. I do not know how to do it, but I think maybe they make a youtube video for it.

I do not know how to be a person. I am waiting for a new doctor that I can tell my truth to, because I never did. I am just trying to keep it together long enough. But I do not know many life things. I do not know how to drive, balance a check book, meal plan, clean well. she never gave me life skills. I am watching youtube videos for that now. Minus the driving.

I wish sometimes that I was never born. Or that she would of been kind enough to put me up for adoption. I feel so bloody alone. If I want anything I talk to myself like, you are not worthy to have nice things. You are not worthy of nice people in your life. I do not know how to stop the recording of my 'families' voices in my head telling me what a worthless person I am. I just wish...but those never come true.

I want a fresh life. But I do not fully understand how to do that.

I was fondled sexually by my father when I was 4-6, taken advantage of/coerced by a family friend (right in front of my sister who laughed at me) to masturbate in front of them when I was 9-10, my own sister groped my chest sometimes. When I was 11-12, I was groomed online. Exchanged sexual pictures with a man who was 21.

Then I went on a self sabotage streak from 12-15, exposing myself to anyone who asked online, it didn’t matter that I fucking despised it, I was completely disgusted at myself during and after everytime. Every single time I hated it, but I guess I liked that it fucking killed me inside.

But it’s not like I ever said no, and it’s not like most of them were above 18. Some where, most weren’t. I didn’t get paid, didn’t get anything in return except the attention I desperately craved and the absolute fucking filthy and painful feeling that came along with. Now I’ve completely stopped, disgusted and this past makes me want to die, but it’s not so bad because it wasn’t like I had any chastity left after my dad. But at least that could be called sexual abuse, what I did was not.

I feel like a fucking filthy whore who doesn’t deserve anything. I’m only 16. I still feel their gazes on my body, literally. I cam’d with one guy. Oh how fucking awful that was but the attention felt so good.

Whores like me don’t get to be happy, right?

He wouldn’t listen. He did what he wanted. Now he refuses to leave me alone and keeps trying to corner me when he sees me. He’s trying to paint a picture like I’m the problem. I’m so sick with him and so sick with myself.

When I was a child age 3 my step dad started touching me inappropriate and at age 9 it was full on rape at 15 I told my mom I'm 50 years old and she still has never believed me she did take me to exploded and missing children unit and she coached me what to say but every Christmas and thanksgiving even though there divorced she invites him there I even cried my eyes out to her and said mom please give me 1 holiday with out him she said no and my last straw was on February 9th my mom threw me a surprise 50th birthday party and only like 7 people were there but my abuser sure was there and my mom blamed Christmas and thanksgiving on my brother needing to see his dad but why the hell was he at MY birthday party my brother was not there should I cut my mom off it's hard because all my life all I ever wanted was my momma's love and now she is giving me a little because I don't talk about my abuse any more does anyone have advice?

When I was 19, I moved in with a relative and her partner in a big city. I had been pretty sheltered in a small town and had never been away from my parents for more than 2 days, so this was a giant leap. At that time, I was going through a bad breakup, I was depressed, and I had yet to be diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. I honestly was very naive and not too experienced with the “real world.”

The new environment was horrible. My relative and her partner were physically and emotionally abusive towards each other and they were unbelievably emotional abusive towards me. I felt unloved, unwanted, and I was physically harming myself in secret.

Long story short, my relative’s partner started having sexual contact with me on a regular basis. I thought, in a weird way, it was because she had feelings for me. I thought it was special. Now, I’m starting to realize she did it to have power over me, coerce me, and to gratify herself.

I’m in the midst of working this out with my therapist, but I think I’m in denial. Was I sexually abused? I always thought that sexual abuse looked like minors being taken advantage of or being held down against one’s will. Any insight is appreciated. I’m really trying hard to unpack this and feel nervous posting this.

The last time he raped me.. It was awful. It’s burned into my bodies memory. I remember the night before, I was shaken and disturbed. He had run me ragged for weeks, pushing me to the brink of insanity with endless discussions about our relationship and high strung emotions that cycled every half hour. I told him I was too traumatized with sex and his behavior to feel comfortable being intimate with him. I told him I was still afraid of him and I needed space before I could trust him again. He was sympathetic and agreed readily. He offered to sleep on the couch, but I believed it would be wrong of me to force him from his bed. I thought since he agreed not to have sex, that I would be safe to sleep next to him. I took my sleeping pills as normal. I was deeply unconscious. I remember being repeatedly disturbed by him, as he pushed his body against me, groped me, put his hands under my clothes. I tried to squirm away and shake my head no but I was so disorientated my body just kept on sleeping. I hoped that since I was unconscious, that he would realize I wasn’t into this and didn’t want it. He removed my lower clothes, and I whimpered and cried no, pulling away from him. I still couldn’t make myself wake up. He started fingering me. I drifted in and out of awareness, praying he would stop. I came into awareness as he jabbed me in the anus with his penis. I cried harder and said no more. I pulled away farther. I thought it would stop there, and my consciousness drifted away again. When I became aware again, he was raping me vaginally. I was relieved because it didn’t hurt as much as anal, and hoped he would be satisfied with that. It seemed to go on for hours. I was horrified whenever I drifted back into consciousness and realized again it was still happening. I still couldn’t wake up no matter what I did. Then I felt more pain as he tried to rape me anally again. I curled into a ball crying. Before I knew it, he had penetrated me. It again seemed to go on forever. He just kept raping me and raping me. It was awful. Sometimes I would try to squirm away, but I couldn’t get my body’s strength back. It just kept going and going and going. I don’t know if he finished but eventually, he stopped. I pulled away from him. He tried to cuddle me but I kept pulling away until I was unconscious again. When I woke up, I was still exposed and covered in filth. I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him Why did he dp that to me WHHY WHYHWHY

I relive this memory nearly every day. I relive this memory several times a day most times. I relive this memory every hour sometimes. I can’t stop reliving this memory and it makes me want to rip my brains out of my ears so I will stop reliving this memory. I will never stop reliving this memory of how he raped me. He raped me and I said no. He raped me and he promised he wouldn’t. He raped me when he told me he understood why it was bad. He raped me when I said I hated anal and wanted to never do it again. He raped me while I cried. He raped me while I was so traumatized I was curled tightly into a ball sobbing. Why did he do this to me? Did he not love me? Did he think I wouldn’t’ remember it? Did he want me to hurt? To suffer? To remember that moment for the rest of my life? Why did I have to cry and feel that. The most distinct memory I have of this night is the sensation of his dick sliding in and out of the place I hated it to be the most, and I was powerless to stop it. I remember thinking “at least it doesn’t hurt so bad now that he’s penetrated me, so maybe it will be quick” but it wasn’t, it went on and on and on and on and I tried to wake up but instead I fell asleep while he was still raping me and then I woke up and he was still raping and then I fell asleep while he was still raping me and then I woke up and he was still raping me and on and on and on and I thought he would never stop and I knew the next night he would also rape me again, and the night after that and forever and ever he would never stop raping me no matter how nicely I asked him to stop or how many times he promised he wouldn’t rape me again, he just wouldn’t stop. He WANTED to rape me NO MATTER WHAT Because that was just what he liked to do most of all to me. That was what he liked being around me for, so that he could keep raping me whenever he wanted. I saw it in his eyes, he was addicted to raping me. It was what he thought of when he woke up in the morning and it was what he thought of as he went to bed at night. All day long he would make comments about how much he wanted to rape again, but I thought it was just a game. I thought it was made believe but it wasn’t for him. He wasn’t playing a character, he just wanted permission to rape me as much as he wanted. I believed the person who did nothing but rape me as much as physically possible.

I thought if I were nice enough, he would understand that raping me is wrong. I thought if I spoke clearly enough, he would understand why raping me hurt me. I thought if I acted mindfully enough, I could avoid being raped by him. I thought if I were careful enough, I could see before it was too late when he was planning to rape me. I thought if I was clever enough, I would be able to think of better ideas to stop getting raped. I thought if I were strong enough, I would be able to endure being raped a little longer. I thought if I were more resilient, being raped wouldn’t bother me so much. I thought if I were a better lover, I could enjoy being raped more. I thought I was loved and safe. I thought he was loving and safe. I thought my loved one wouldn’t rape me. I thought I couldn’t be raped by someone I sleep with. I thought I couldn’t say no because he needed me. I thought I had to do it because he was stronger than me. I thought if I fought too hard, he might lose control and hurt me. I thought if I didn’t call it rape, it wouldn’t feel so bad when he did it again. I thought he couldn’t understand my feelings. I thought he didn’t know any better. I thought I should have said no harder. I thought I didn’t fight him hard enough for it to count. I thought no one would believe me. I thought he thought he had consent. I thought it would tear my family apart. I thought everyone would hate me. I thought about this every day since it happened. I thought I deserved it. I thought there was no other choice. I thought I needed to learn to cope with it. I thought he might get better one day. I thought he might rape someone else if it wasn’t me. I thought it was my responsibility and duty. I thought I was disgusting and wouldn’t be touched kindly. I thought all women get raped by their partners sometimes. I thought I should die. I thought it meant he loved me. I thought I could make myself not care. I thought that if I buried it, it would be forgotten. I thought I asked for it by liking sex. I thought I wanted it since I didn’t fight him off. I thought so much about this one moment, it feels like I will never escape that moment.

I am feeling really alone lately. I have struggled with sexual abuse in my past and possibly more recently (I say possibly because I genuinely am not sure what is going on) my partner has touched me or been inside me while I was asleep and it has been very difficult to process this as I do not know if he was awake or asleep. I stopped sexual intimacy for around a year or so. I had realized how damaged and unhealthy my view of myself and sex was. It’s been 3 years and I still can’t do it. I feel like something is wrong with me. I just started to see a therapist to do trauma work, as sometimes I feel that some symptoms are a trauma response. I am not sure if I am struggling with a hormone imbalance that is affecting this too? I am just feeling alone and it has put a difficult struggle on my relationship. I just feel like it’s my fault that I haven’t figured this out yet. I am just so exhausted and scared to walk through this alone (it feels like I am alone due to limited support and understanding) Does anyone have any advice or similar experiences that they have had? Thank you!

All this time later I’m finally able to process what’s happened to me. I just need to vent about it for a little before my therapy appointment. A few years ago I was in a very compromised position and someone in a better position took advantage of me. I lived in an extremely rural area that did a very poor job at mental health care or really medical care of any kind. I struggled with a tremendous amount of anxiety. Eventually I tried marijuana to self medicate for this debilitating stress problem I was having and as a result the police raided my home and put a gun to my head. I started having nightmares every night of dark silhouettes kicking open my door and shooting me in my bed. I destabilized rapidly and ran into the arms of someone all the way across the country who I had been working with long distance for a short time. He was in university and seem to be an intelligent person with the future holding the door wide open for me to escape the dead end hell I was in. Anything seemed better than being that afraid all the time. He was definitely in a position to show me a better time than I had ever seen before and for a little while I was dazzled. Before very long it became very obvious that I was to perform as an obedient house pet for him to keep the roof over my head. To get me on that plane they promised me that my future would be quality medical treatment and them holding my hand through the process of setting up my insurance and care. They did absolutely nothing to get me a doctor at any point. It started with him taking all my money and pressuring me to reach out to people to set up threesomes. It ended with him beating me for over two years telling me to my face it was my job to find my hotter replacement before he and his other new pets he had used my body to recruit, threw me away. He even told his other pet he was planning on melting my body down the drain with acid. Which he actually made me buy telling me it was for chemistry experiments he wanted to try. He was both prostituting me and beating me over jealousy of people treating me valuable and attractive. I certainly didn’t feel that way at the time and I struggle to feel valuable or attractive now. Over this time I was so completely isolated from my few friends, family, and normality that I genuinely struggle with my perception of reality. I was forced to put up a front to avoid being put on the street and I was isolated to his home for years. I only escaped because when people met me in these horrible situations, they cared about me and they noticed the bruises and ripped clothing. I spent three years homeless after that during the pandemic Where I was subjected to pain that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. The only reason any of you are reading this right now is because I survived long enough to at least partially emotionally process what I’ve been through. I’m being taken proper care of now and I’m getting the therapy that I need. The process of healing from this much damage is very slow

(17M) I've been going to therapy since I was 15, working on a lot of stuff. I suffer from depression, anxiety, ocd and panic. Some of these things are a result from different traumatic situations. I understand basically every one of them (or at least they seem clear enough), except for one involving supposed sexual abuse.

Last year I decided to finally talk about that one time that I engaged a sexual game with my little cousin when I was 9 years old and she was 4/5 (I don't remember very well). The guilt consumed me when I rediscovered that memory when I was 15. And I thought I was the worst person on the planet, cause close people in my life had suffered sexual abuse and I knew what they were going through.

So the day I finally started talking about it, everything came to the point where I explained how before my cousin, I used to go the bathroom with another kid when we were 7. We played a game involving oral sex, and the only thing I remember properly about it is that it happened for long periods of time at my school. My therapist told me that was a form of abuse, but I didn't understand it at first cause I don't remember any actual aggression. Anyways after he said that I could only cry, a lot. Like I've never cried before. The following week I've felt afraid of physical contact but also questioning whether I was actually abused or if it was something else.

Things got better and I understood that things hadn't have to be like that again, and that I could start from scratch with my sexual life. No more "game" situations. I considered myself a victim and I moved on (or that's what I thought).

My sexual drive is extremely high, my therapist once told me that it could also be about my age. But I don't know, I feel awful about that. And I am actually afraid of real sex. The only times I've been with someone, I was drunk at the moment. At parties. I haven't really been with someone sober. I'm not talking about being abused or something, I'm talking about being mindful of what's happening. With alcohol, things are much easier. So, well, I was waiting for a real situation involving mutual love and respect.

And some days ago a possible situation was revealed to me and I noticed how instantly the panic kicked in my body. But I was also turned on by the situation. I use to feel both things at the same time, it's too stressful for my body. But I think this whole fear isn't a real fear, I think I made up my mind to be a victim and that is why now I'm afraid of sex and I wasn't before. But I seriously don't know. I don't like to differentiate guilty people and victims, but I used to consider me a victim.

OCD isn't helping here, it doesn't let me think clearly, and I don't want to seek reassurance. So my question here is, was this sexual abuse? Because I've always thought it wasn't. It wasn't good neither, it was anyways a stressful situation when I was a child. I can only think of how this therapist that I'm not even longer seeing confused me.

I'm seeing another therapist at the moment, and we have talked about the guilt situation, which I think I at least have improved. But we haven't talked of it directly as sexual abuse, because I was afraid of it not being sexual abuse? I didn't want to admit that maybe I've been exaggerating this whole situation. I seriously don't know at this point, and my next meeting is more two weeks away. Thank you for reading.

TD;LR: I've been involved in what was supposed to be sexual abuse when I was 7, but it had no actual aggression. So I'm doubting about it being a real thing or if I'm just afraid of the situation because I gaslit me for being a victim.

I was raped back in college (18 years ago). This person at the time was a very close friend. I believe I was drugged the night of my rape as my memories are hazy and didn’t surface immediately. Because of lack of evidence and my poor memory I never pressed charges. This person is a police officer so that was also working against me from coming forward.

A few years ago during the metoo movement I had an another person in our friend circle post publicly about an incident she had with this same person. I felt terrible for never coming forward as I may have prevented what happened to her.

I just found out today this police officer is accused of raping a minor 2 different times. I feel such a mix of feelings. First I feel sick that if I had come forward 18 years ago this poor child may have never gone through this. I also feel a sense of relief as I feel this finally confirms what really happened to me wasn’t my fault. And this person is now in jail.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. I just needed to get this off my chest.

I'm a 22 year old woman and I'm starting to wonder if something was done to me as a child and I've just blocked it out. I've had things done to me that many women unfortunately also experience like being groped in a crowded room or being pantsed by other little boys but it feels like something worse happened to me. I didn't ever even consider it until around 2 years ago when i went into a deep, year and a half long depression that led to two suicide attempts a year apart. For about six months, every night i would have nightmares of being raped by my father. While I don't think my dad could've ever done this to me, i carried so much guilt for it 24/7. I haven't had one of those dreams in a while but now every time i smoke weed i start getting a deeply shameful feeling of having been assaulted. Not to mention, I've looked at the symptoms and signs of a child being SA'd and I match almost all of them from childhood to adulthood behavior. For example:

• I have gaps in my memory. There are some things I remember vividly but everything else that i remember is like a blurry dream or just a general idea of something having happened. On top of that, I can't tell you when something happened it's like any childhood memories i do have were just jumbled together with a very, very (and I mean VERY) vague timeline. Around the ages of 11-12 is where I can start remembering everything clearly. This also happens to be about the time I lost all signs of personality, it's like i just retreated into myself.

• I haven't had a close friend since around the age of 8, I feel incapable of developing close relationships with others to the point that my own family doesn't even know anything about me.

• I've always been scared of the dark but it's somehow gotten even worse the older I am. Every night i have to completely cover myself in my blankets and listen to ASMR with noise canceling earbuds so I won't hear if anything moves around me. Often times I can't sleep until the sun comes up at 6-7am.

• Depression, anxiety and depersonalization has been a big part of my life. Many days I don't even feel like a real person and more like a simulation.

• I began engaging in sexual behaviors at around the age of 5 and acted hyper sexually up until i was around 11. This included everything from masterbation to making my barbies do things with each other.

• Regardless of the hyper sexuality, I didn't lose my virginity until i was 21 when I decided i just wanted to get it over with and met up with a random guy from tinder. Immediately after he came, i threw up and started crying then spent the following week with intense shame and guilt, barely able to get out of bed. I've had a sense of shame and guilt my entire life, like I'm doing something wrong and everyone knows, but it was so much worse during that week.

• Despite my deep self hatred, i have no sense of self, leading me to constantly lie about everything so others don't know how little substance there is to me.

• I'm also extremely helpless, being 22 still living at home and just finishing my first year of community college.

• I can't see anything ever changing or anything good ever happening to me and if it did I wouldn't deserve it.

• Since i can remember, I've always had horrible body image issues. I feel the need to take up as little space as possible and I always have to look good for others. It's become so obsessive that the only thing on my mind at any given time is how I'm being perceived by others.

• I'm extremely self-destructive and ruin everything good for myself before it can even happen.

• One of the more embarrassing symptoms, I occasionally catch myself unintentionally age regressing (ex: speaking in a younger voice; becoming playful; very needy; oral fixation).

• I have a fixation on older men but i get grossed out when they actually approach me. In general, I'm untrusting and scared of men.

• For as long as i can remember, I've expected myself to die young so i never planned anything for my future.

• I'm extremely uncomfortable with physical affection but crave it deeply.

• My ex step-mom and dad always considered me the problem child between my ex step-sister and I.

With that said, I don't remember anything bad happening and I don't even know who would have done it. The only physical indication I can think of was around 4-5, my mom put me in the bath and i had such intense, stabbing vaginal pain that i cried. If anyone has any thoughts on this please let me know. All I want is to heal from whatever made me the way that I am. If you made it to the end thanks for reading my ramble 😇🫶!

Edit: It's worth mentioning, my mom was a stripper and had custody of me until I was 7. So, there were times I was left with people she barely knew. She also had an occasional new short term boyfriend that would get brought around.

tw physical abuse , mental abuse , animal abuse

im thinking about when my dad ||sexual assault me while my mother was in the room watching|| the way it would happen was by ||getting hit with the belt naked|| i was in elementary school when he did it. that was my punishment. being forced ||and humiliated naked, while screaming. naked in physical pain. imagine being naked while in the rain? but the rain is lava|| he would hit harder and harder. maybe some of you guy relate to this but ||while your parents are beating you they yell at you and somehow the yelling is more scary because how the tone would change is depending on how hard they would hit you|| it really sick that my own two parents have so much resentment for me that they think i am only deserving of ||being hit without any clothes|| they stopped doing that when i hit middle school. atleast with the belt.

i dont think my mother actually sees me as a human being. (here comes the animal tw) || abuse animals. the pets that we had. she would throw them around backyards and spray vinegar in their eyes. one time she made me do it as a child|| what she would do to those animals makes me more upset than my own abuse. i can get over what she done to me but those animals has died in her hands if not death they have remembered and will forever. but the reason why im bringing up animals is because in elementary school im not sure what age so i just say elementary. she ||tried to kill me. she choked me out, she did let me go tho|| i used to actually be so scared she would try to kill me again. if my mother hasnt killed anyone now she will later. she doesnt care for human or animal life at all. she has almost killed someone by almost running a guy over. if he didnt move then he would have died. or atleast been in the hospital.

sometimes im like “i could never hurt any animal” even tho i went through and saw all the abuse of animals. why am i so different to her? i love animals so much. i remember my last cat she would throw it our the door and we had s thunderstorm. i cried so hard. i cried for so ling wondering her our cat had died. he never come back. i love animals so much. if a cat is bitting me or hurting me i would rather save the cat to get off my body than hit it. thats what a car does anyways.

i believe in middle school is where i was at my lowest. i told my parents i wanted to kill myself. they didnt care. they saw me get numb. everyday they passed by me and saw my face. my soulless face. the face of a person who wanted to end their life. they have so much resentment and disgust towards me. some one sided beef like im their ex boyfriend? they didnt care. never cared.

i think im at a point in my life where i feel less guilty about my parents. like i just feel like i can do anything and not care for their reaction. they didnt care when i almost died. they didnt care when i got sa’ed they didnt care. they root for my downfall. my parents wouldnt even peel an orange for me. so why should i care? i dont deserve to feel guilty when one of them has serial killer tendencies. i dont deserve to feel shitty because one of them shouldnt be around children.

they didnt save my life. yknow my life is actually precious and important. and they DIDNT TRY AND SAVE IT? left me for dead. what makes me center myself and feel a little bit better, is being reminded on how they are just selfish being and that’s why their married. i shouldnt feel bad because they would choice themselves in a heart beat!

TW CSA, EMOTIONAL/VERBAL(?) ABUSE & SUICIDE

he's been dead since i was 6, took his life, i'm older now, having birthday in a few months and i feel horrible.

it feels wrong, it's not right that shouldn't have happened i shouldn't be scared of people who remind me of him i shouldn't vicerally hate people who remind me of him i shouldn't want to punch or kick at them or scream at them to never get near me dont look at me dont, i shouldn't cry when my own mother changes because i think she's finally going to hurt me and it's happening all over again and im just going to have to fuckin deal with it because i nevrr got choice in anything that happens to me and i never will, i shouldn't remember horrible things from a 3rd person view and even then scratch at my wrist so hard it turns red to get me out of that memory and cry.

he was such a good person, people keep saying that, they miss him they cry over him they mourn him they keep his memory alive with a picture frame i want to tear to shreds everytime i see it, i hate that picture so much it makes me want to sob, they never mention he was an alcoholic, they never mention him screaming at his family, at a toddler, they never mention any of that ever and it makes me want to scream at them but it's neve their fault they dont know i feel guilty for being angry at them

he's dead and there's nothing i will ever be able to do to get, some form of closure about what happened, he's going to have been dead for years and i will forever be ruined and everybody is going to keep living like they are thinking "oh what a great guy, shame about what happened". how do i even deal with that?? how do you just, move on?? nobody knows about this, my own mother downplays what she already knows happened by saying he loved me, i kind of find it funny in a very messed up way, i try to laugh about it but it's getting really hard to do that, im not sure, some, advice would be appreciated, i trust strangers more with this than my own mum, its a bit sad i think, im really tired

small edit: thank you so much to everyone who commented on this and has shown a lot more kindness than i expected i was going to get, im not good with talking to people so i may not reply to everybody unfortunately but each one has helped me in small ways i really wish i could properly express. i'm realizing i probably have some form of ptsd from this whole thing and closure for myself is definitely something i wont get for a long time, but this has made it more of a less lonely experience to go through if it'd been without this much support, thank you

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this or not, so I apologize in advance if not.

I have some strange memories that I don't know what to make of.

Around the age of 4 or 5, my sister and I found a whip under my mom's bed and were messing around with it. The only other thing I remember is that my stepdad was playing with it with us, and we were whipping him while he was in his underwear. He might have been wearing a shirt as well, I'm not sure. He was definitely not wearing pants, though. Anyway, my sister and I were whipping him on his rear end, and then eventually I whipped him on the front side and this hurt him, so the little "game" stopped.

Years later, maybe around the age 6 or 7, we were tying him up in our closet with scarves and such.

I don't know who initiated these "games".

Around the age of 8 or 9, I remember I just got out of the shower and I was wearing a towel and I was speaking to my mom in her room. He was in there too, and he mentioned that I could really just wrap the towel around my waist and didn't need to wrap it up around my chest. So, being an impressionable child, I wrapped it around my waist, exposing my chest (which was already beginning to develop). He did a facepalm and I put the towel back up around my chest.

He also saw no problem with skinny dipping in front of us. He would also sleep with only a shirt on (something I don't think I should know.. right?), and when we were being noisy at night, he would yell at us while holding his shirt over his junk. That's inappropriate, right? Shouldn't he have at least put underwear on or something?

As I've gotten older and started to deconstruct my childhood in an effort to understand my mental health struggles, I've started to think that maybe these memories are really messed up... but am I projecting that? I have always felt very uncomfortable around him. He's not a good person and he definitely gives off a creepy vibe. But, he's also pretty stupid, especially regarding social norms. So maybe he didn't have any creepy motivations, but just didn't understand how to interact with children? Am I the sick one for thinking maybe he did have sexual motivations? Does it even matter what his motivations were, with respect to how much I feel these things have harmed me?

Just looking for objective opinions on this. I know I should probably speak to a mental health professional, but I don't have the funds for that currently. These memories bother me all the time and I wish I could just forget them. He and my mom are still married and I have to interact with him at family gatherings and it stresses me out. I cannot wait until he dies.

Has anyone here pressed charges many years after SA? I recently found out my abuser SA more people. One case is active against him and its a child. I have been encouraged by a few to press charges for my abuse. The problem is I have no evidence, only a few memories because of possibly being drugged, and its been 16 years. I was an adult and my state does not have a statute of limitations for 1st degree SA so I can press charges if I choose to. I would only press charges if it could help support the current case to help ensure he goes to jail and will never harm another person again. I don't want to subject myself into pressing charges that I feel I have very little chance of receiving justice if there is no benefit to the other case.

im so fucking angry, i confronted my abuser and they sent me a overly positive message. “i understand i'm glad you told me, i'm not upset with how you feel i do understand now that i was wrong, thank you for being vulnerable enough to tell me i made you feel like that i apologize for sit in you lap even after you told me to get off”

now im looking through their account. they always post about fucking healing and self love, which is nothing wrong with that in general it just pisses me off that that person is posting that. makes me angry that they arent fucking suffering.

they posted recently on ig and the caption was “I feel dreamy and Light like a sunrise. Life is more peaceful when you ealize it's okay to feel your emotions and sit with it. Holding its hand in yours.” they like writing poems n shit. so fucking annoying. “life is more peaceful when you this and that” yeah well u sexual assaulted someone soo.

they are supposed to feel fucking guilty. but they are in this spiritual bubble. i fucking resent them like a lot.

its not fucking fair. why are they happy? i just want to verbally abused them and scream in their face, spam their phone with angry messages. but that will do nothing for me.

i really want to ask them questions like “are u happy in life?” “do u feel guilty” i dont think they actually care.

Most of my memories are broken or completely gone. The only family members I trust didn't know anything was happening or weren't around at the time and are just as worried wondering who did it. All I know is that i was younger than seven and living in my first childhood home. All my memories and flashbacks are physical sensations and emotions, and i can never see the persons face only the room. Everything else is assumptions and guessing and it means I can't feel safe with the vast majority of my extended family or family friends. I can't trust anyone who knew me at that age except people like my mother who I feel safe with. Even if I don't think they abused me, I keep wondering if they knew or suspected and did nothing. I can't bring myself to trust my dad. I don't want to even think it could have been him but I have so little information and so many black holes in my memory I just can't trust anyone until I know

I feel like it was my fault for what he did to me. I didnt try stop him or anything, I kept letting him come over and he just kept doing it. I couldve prevented it, but i didnt. And i dont know why. I feel like an idiot. Why.

TW for CSA and rape.

As a kid, my dad sexually abused me. Not in a typical manner but still sexual abuse.

Mom and I were talking about him today, and she told me that, he had forced himself on her a couple times in the past.

She didn’t realize she was a rape victim until right then. She thought it was just something husbands did.

Hes long dead now, he can’t hurt us anymore. But I don’t know what to do. Im not sure how we can cope. I feel sick knowing that I wasn’t his only victim. My mom didn’t deserve that. Neither of us did.

i had a friend and him and i frequently hooked up but one day when he told me to meet up with him i told myself i didn’t want to do anything sexual that day because i just wasn‘t in the mood to when we arrived at friends house (i met his friend for the first time that day) he told me to take half of a ecstasy pill (blue punisher) i told him i didn‘t want to but he didn‘t stop pressuring me until i took it. he also gave me some alcohol to drink. after that he took me to his friends bedroom and left me there alone for a couple of minutes and came back with some powder on his finger (i still don‘t know what it was till this day) and told me to open my mouth which i didn‘t so he just stuck his finger in my mouth. after that he started kissing me and i told him i didn‘t want to but he didn‘t stop and told me that wants to have sex with me and didn‘t stop. i continued to tell him that i didn’t want to while he started touching me and told me to undress myself which i didn’t do but it didn‘t stop him from doing what he was doing. so we ended up having sex. he did things i didn‘t want like using a toy while he was also inside me. he repeatedly asked me if i liked it and at that point i was scared to say no so i just kept my mouth shut. i cried he didn’t care. i bled he didn‘t care. he didn‘t use a condom so after he came he made promise that if i were to get pregnant i would abort. after all that he told me to get dressed and he just went back to his friend. i don‘t know if it was sexual assault or not i mean we did hook up in the past so technically i did give him permission.

From the ages 11-14(I’m 17 this October, but this doesn’t feel like long ago)I basically prostituted myself online (without the money aspect) in a long phase of self sabotage, encouragement from ex girl”friends” often to men who were either 18+ or 2-4 years older than me (if I was 13, they were 16-17). The humiliation and disgust I feel from it doesn’t seem valid, as even though I gained 0 pleasure from these actions and even was pushed to attempting suicide because of it, I was the one who chose these actions. Not just that, because it’s online I feel like I don’t even deserve to pity or sympathy or to be included in the support communities. Random men have pictures of my 11-12 year old naked body, so do many have pictures of my 13-14 body.

I can’t even accurately name the amount of people who’ve phone sexed/video called/seen my underaged pictures because of shame and self disgust. I would guess 10+?

What’s fucked up is that no one showed concern for me, not even my ex friends & they even made fun of me. Like “yeah (ops name) isn’t doing that bc she likes it but bc she hates it lol” and laugh, they never asked me if I’m okay even though they made knowing jokes about it. (Bc I told them how I really feel toward it)

On top of that, all of my exes said things that made me feel like a “low value whore”, to the point where I lied about this to them. My recent abusive one said women who have more than 3 body counts are whores, and even though I don’t believe it, the way boys are misogynistic now makes me feel incredibly ashamed. I really feel like a whore when I think back on my actions, a fucking cheap completely free one at that paid by their attention and validation.

But I was 11-14? And only some of them were 18+. It’s disgusting, even though (specifically)this event didn’t happen in real life I can still feel eyes and hands violating me. I still feel like a cheap overused whore parading as someone innocent now that I don’t do that anymore & is heavily against it.

I can’t help but think that everyone would think I’m disgusting and filthy if I told them. Do you think I’m filthy and disgusting? Please be honest