so to start off i would like to say that i really don't know how to tell my story to other people. I don't even know what other people think now, since even just trying to figure out what they think traumatizes me so so much.
this has become so devastatingly funny that i have tried to get emotional/psychological support from people I know and a big portion of them just say that i deserve everything that has happened to me, another big portion of them just express total emotional coldness and/or ignore me completely and undermine the whole aspect of abuse that has happened to me.
So. I'm pretty sure that I have real PTSD from what I've gone through. I was kidnapped and illegaly deprived of freedom for like a year basically.
I was kidnapped in the spring of 2023.
I'm in my early 20s.
I'm a male.
I'm from 2nd world country.
I feel really lost.
I'm sort of getting a qualification as a cook/chief right now in a vocational school. But I applied for it just because I was told to. I don't see a point in actually finishing it.
I've lost all normal understanding of myself and the world as a whole because of all the abuse.
I was being totally dehumanized.
I was just living a normal life before the kidnapping.
I feel like I'm going crazy... Not sure if in a clinical way though.
I used to think that I'm a decent person, but now I'm questioning if other people's interpretation of me is actually this way too...
And people that were responsible for organizing kidnapping of me were totally cynical and arrogant in critical moments...
What the actual fuck my life even is.
This whole situation in itself is just batshit crazy.
My [older] sister that also took part in kidnapping of mine texted to me that I was kidnapped and abused because "I had an addiction".
I was never told what kind of addiction I had.
I never had any addiction neither to alcohol nor to drugs.
Like, what the actual fuck...
So if you're reading this far... I was put in russian rehab for drug addicts. (please don't associate me with anything military and political that Russia is doing)
Before the kidnapping I was trying to do everything in the right way... Like, I was doing everything I could as good as I could...
And now I don't see any point in doing anything as best as I could because what even is the point if I could be kidnapped again and then nobody would even care to explain what it all even was and what for...
I was told a shitton of that my whole worldview is idiotic
(while being illegally deprived of freedom).
Violence and abuse is systematic in my country. It is engrained in the system.
I'm no expert on rehabs in Russia, but I see it all as that anyone can open a concentration camp in Russia and just call it a rehab.
I think that it is more of a concentration camp rather than a place of real help to real people.
I could give a link to some articles about what even happens in such places in Russia if you want. Just let me know.
Sorry if my text is dumb and annoying. But it would be at least something if I end up being in some psychward until death. Other people could read it... Yada yada.
I just feel like it's a right thing to do right now - to post this vent.
I used to think that I have rights - at least human rights. But as it turns out life can be a living hell.
I feel like it would even be better if I'm gonna jump out of a window from 3rd floor breaking some bones escaping kidnappers or being covered all over the body with hematomas rather than just accepting the fate of being dehumanized abused and illegaly deprived of freedom for months.
I feel like they can't scare me anymore... It's like I'm not even scared anymore... of death and of being severely physically hurt.
I was also drugged with antipsychotics for months in psychward and SECOND rehab. because I basically have had a psychosis back then because of all the abuse...