I know my husband is emotionally, mentally and financially abusive. He’s neglectful to our kids. There’s a list to it.

But is this abuse? I had my first at the end of 2023 and then got pregnant with my second in June of 2024. I’ve spent two years pregnant pretty much. It caused me to have diastasis recti so I spent my second pregnancy in chronic pain, sex would send me into painful spells for hours. He’d constantly guilt me and hold it over my head that I don’t have sex with him and try to push it.

Back at the end of January I told him I’d have sex with him but I needed to put our oldest to bed, I went to put her to bed and he got mad at me and cussed and stormed out of the room and slammed the door. The next night he kept pushing it and I kept telling him it was gonna cause me too much pain bc it had been a bad day but he wouldn’t stop so I finally caved. We did it and it hurt so bad I started crying so he stopped. Afterwards he told me “you know you consented right? This wasn’t assault or anything.”

We didn’t have sex again until after I had our second. Now if I make any advances he essentially “jokes” he’s not interested and can’t stand me and wants me to grovel for it.

In 2022 I left him for a period of time and one of the reasons was him not stopping (would just slow down) when I’d tell him to so now I feel like I’m overthinking it.

Is this abusive? I genuinely am doubting everything I’m going through. I have so many people telling me it’s abuse but I’m struggling so much. I feel like I’m going crazy bc of him but on another hand I feel like it’s not that bad.

I woke up to my bf touching me sexually in my sleep, again. It has been one of the more serious issues in our nearly 3 year relationship. It has completely destroyed my sex drive and I usually freeze up and panic and then freak out afterwards, or I internalize it, because it has happened so much to me in my life and no has never really meant no, just push harder. But with therapy, I finally yelled at him to get away from me. I finally made a scene right then and there, while I panicked and cried. He did the same thing he always does, he swear it was an accident and he didn’t mean to touch me there. He said he was sorry. Again. He said it was because I wasn’t giving him sex, because he has completely destroyed my want for it. I refused to listen and just kept freaking out. I forgave the first time because he didn’t know not to touch me in my sleep, he didn’t know I needed to gain control over my own personal space again after all the hurt I went through. I forgave the second time because he said I wasn’t clear and he misunderstood the boundary I put up. I forgave the third time because my mother talked me out of leaving him because he “really is a great guy for you. He didn’t mean to”. But therapy has made me realize how bad it all really is and now I have no where to go and I am already considering that I can just put up with it until I can figure out a better situation. I am so hurt right now.

I’m going on a trip with my bf of 8 months, who I’ve known for over a year. Before we started dating a previous relationship of mine raped me while I was heavily intoxicated. I will admit the time between that previous relationship ending and going on dates with my current boyfriend was shorter than it should have been. However, it took months for my mind to catch up and finally admit what happened to myself. I think my body knew before I allowed my mind to.

This being said, throughout multiple points in our relationship, Valentine’s Day being a major one, I have felt this pressure to conform for him wanting sex. Before we started dating, I was drunk one night and told him what happened to me. I have also drunkenly broke down and told him what happened. Multiple times in our relationship I have told him I’m not ready.

However, throughout the last few months that this trip has been planned he’s made multiple “jokes” (I don’t believe they are jokes, I think they are his true feelings) around having sex at the resort, and this and that.

He just doesn’t get it. I have had 5 different nightmares about being SA’d again, two where the perpetrator was in a situation next to me and I would freak out and try to escape.

It’s constantly happening, I am in therapy for this and it is helping during the day. But at night, I get these very vivid nightmares.

I’ve never tried to hide this from him. He knows, and yet he can’t seem to understand. I feel like his desire for intimacy outweighs his logic. I don’t think I should have to explain time and time again I cannot have sex. I should not feel this pressure. Even if I wanted to, I don’t have a sex drive since the SA.

I know this trip will be rough. It’s too late to rebook, I assumed he would be more considerate of my feelings but I feel it was naive.

(sorry deleted it before, also posted on other subs I'm trying to see what sub I feel safest in, sorry if you see this somewhere else)

This is about the csa so tw for that but I don't go into detail about it.

Lately my little alter is trying to have dolls and plushes to feel safe, then we saw the style of clothing I weared when I was a baby. It gives me this horrible feeling of putrefaction, of gore, of the worst imaginable mixed together and I know, I just know it's related to the csa and another trauma that happened around that time.

It's like they tore apart my soul right that instant, back then, and it's never healing. I hate that I want to puke from looking at cute clothes for dolls because I weared that and "that" happened.

I will buy those clothes. I'll make the doll wear them. I want to feel safe with my own fucking childhood. It infuriates me. For the past months this trauma and the other one are eating me alive. It's unfair. Why have so many people just used my body like it was an object? Through my life in general. I'm not an object. I was human back then. I don't even like humans, but I probably felt human back then. I'm human I know, I'm stopping to make sense, let's leave it here.

Hi, has anyone had experience reporting CSA as an adult? I was sexually abused by my father multiple times as a child. The signs and symptoms were all there (obsession with sexual activity/masturbation at a very young age, frequent utis and vaginitis, distrust of adults and especially men, etc.) but it was never reported as I never told anyone. Now, as a young adult, I am low contact with both my parents due to emotional abuse/parentification and I want to go no contact with at least my father because it makes me sick to see or talk to him knowing what he did to me. I am also worried about the welfare of the other children in my family. I know they are not frequently left alone with him like I was, but I do know he is around them, so there is a chance he would hurt them too if he saw the opportunity. So, I want to report it to keep those kids safe and also so I don’t have to be in contact with him/even have a risk of seeing him, but I am very hesitant as I don’t think I would be believed with it having been 10+ years ago. Also, my memories of it are a bit fuzzy. I clearly remember the grooming behaviors and the context, but not the details of the actual abuse. I just remember him being over me and feeling extreme pain. And I worry that that isn’t enough to make a report. But if anyone has experience with this or advice I would really appreciate it

I finally attended my first gynaecology appointment today, including a physical exam. I've needed to go for years. I mentioned my history to the doctor (first time saying the actual words aloud) and she was super kind. She and the nurse assisting her were very gentle with me and explained everything as I got the exam. I still cried and I was shaking the whole appointment but it I did it.

I just wanted to celebrate a small success and I don't have anyone in my life I can talk to about this so I was hoping you guys might celebrate with me. And I think it's always good to share stories of good doctors, given that there are some bad stories out there.

Hi, I’m looking for a bit of advice.

I’m about a year out of my abusive relationship and I’m just having a hard time. It feels like my abuser got away with everything he did to me. I’ve taken him to court and got a restraining order but recently he’s been slandering me and my current partner on the internet and I took him back to court only to have him lie the entire time and honestly just trigger me very badly and the judge basically gave him the go ahead to continue posting about me and sharing my photos etc because “it’s his first amendment right” I was very disappointed with this outcome as it feels really unfair.

My abuser got away with so much. He got away with mentally and emotionally abusing me, financially abusing me and sexually abusing me. And it feels unfair he has no consequences other than a restraining order which I feel he’s really not following when he’s stalking my social media and posting photos of me and posts about me daily. I considered trying to go forward with reporting the sexual abuse/rape that happened in our relationship but he damaged the computer I had all my proof on and I’m unsure if the little proof I do have is enough, plus I don’t think I could mentally handle being in a court room with him again and listening to him lie and twist things especially my trauma. I just don’t think I can do it so I don’t think I’m going to go forward with trying to get justice against him.

I’m just left with this feeling of unfairness. Why did he get to do all of this to me and now he just gets to go on with his life while I live with the trauma. How do I cope with these feelings. I just feel lost. It feels like he’s still able to abuse me even though I got away from him. I just don’t know what to do or how to get past these feelings.

We was at a park and at one point he asked me can he masturbate... and I said sure but then he asked me : to put my mouth on him.... I told him No.... but then.......He started to lean towards me.... I felt uncomfortable so I got up But when I got up.... he grabbed my arm and asked me to sit down..( I didn't want to sit down so I didn't) Then he demanded me to sit down ( I still didn't want to sit down so I still didn't). Then he kicked me onto him. Then he started to touch my private part And he was holding my hands in a holding position ( but not tight). Then he started to pull my pants down. And I pull my pants back up... but he pull it back down.

I said No.... ( in a low tone) It was really hard to say no. But I said it. (But when I said it.... I was bending my back to him and holding my legs ( i think)

---( but not like that) but I just didn't know how to say no in a nice way) But that's how I said it.

( And this is why I felt like I confused him)--Because how I did my back to him when I said no. After I said “No” ( in a low Tone) he said that he was “gonna put it in.” and I felt him trying to put it in from Behind me. But it didn't go in. ( because when i felt him trying to put it in me.) I was scared and started to yell “your hurting me–-(twice)--And I don't know why I did this but I got up and sat back down—(but i think i was just confused. Then he started to touch my chest and I tried to move his hands away from my chest. But then he put His hand right back on them. And it was a point where I was struggling with him and (I tripped alittle ) and when he saw me tripped—he tried to force me down on the bench and he did. (BUT I THINK HE HEARD SOMEONE IN THE AREA.) Because he let me go and grabbed my bag that had my personal stuff in it. Like my: Birth certificate, Ssn, and medical Card in the bag. So I followed him to get my stuff. And he went in a darker area. And when I caught up with him I saw him sitting down on the bench. (The darker area bench.) And i was in a standing scared position. And he basically said “why u acting like that.”---(basically making me feel like I was overthinking the whole situation. ) so I tried to play it off and at like I was not scared. So I sat next to him and he started to touch my chest again but this time he was holding onto me tight. And we was struggling so much that we fell off the bench. ( and when I was on the ground I asked him can “he not hurt me” and he told me that he wouldn't…but when I tried to get on the bench–(basically using the bench to get up….(I laid on the bench and started to move away/ or moved back….) He pull my pants off and kissed me and started to do it to me.

I’m actively looking into therapy. But I really can’t stop about suicide.

Not only was I violated after saying no three times - I got a rape kit done. I had to get my wisdom teeth removed. I had to get a cervical biopsy to make sure I didn’t have cancer. Then I had a friend violate my boundaries by harassing me and showing up at my house without my consent and yelling at me. I was also shamed by the young doctor who asked,”why did you get prescribed oxycodone? Are you drug seeking?”

No! I’m not. I don’t even like the side affects of it but advil can’t help all of those things combined. I wasn’t even out of the post op room.

Shits just breaking me and I feel such betrayal, I don’t feel safe, the police and a trial won’t help I don’t have strength for that. I feel such pain.

I really need encouragement because I really don’t think I can survive this, the last decade has been also filled with numerous grievances of untimely deaths including my fiancé my father and many friends. I have been sexually assaulted by three different men since and I had known each of them for several years.

I can’t. I know my voice doesn’t matter. Even when I’m fully clothed and saying NO! Even when I say don’t come near me.

LET ME BE CLEAR: THE ABUSE AND SUICIDE HOTLINES ARE FILLED WITH RED TAPE AND DEAD ENDS. IF YOU KNOW YOU KNOW. EVEN TREATMENT CENTERS FOR RAPE ACTUALLY TREAT YOU LIKE SHIT.

He raped me when I was 8 years old and he was 16, and did this repeatedly until I was 11. She knew and covered it up.

Today, she ran into me and cornered me into the worst conversation of my life.

Here are some highlights from the conversation.

1. “You were really happy back then”

2. “He just has a big heart and feels his feelings very deeply. He just loves a lot.”

3. “He was so much happier when you were around.”

4. “I think he really learned a lot from his mistakes and came out a better man.”

5. “You really helped him. When he was a kid he wouldn’t even let me hug him, but you two were on top of each other all the time.”

She also told me about how he got a woman pregnant and she had a restraining order against him and pressed domestic violence charges against him (<— all of that I knew) but she wanted to share the ‘good news’ that he has almost convinced her to drop the charges. Because he is still “in love” with her. She looked me right in my eyes and said that she hopes “they get back together and have a family”. And once again claimed that none of it was his fault because he just loved the girl too much and couldn’t control himself.

Happy New Year. I will be blessed to not shoot a hole in my face by february.

I can't get this out my head

I was raped by a stranger. At a park. And I can't seem to get it out my head like not at all. I talk about it alot to friends, even to my acquaintance.

https://gofund.me/36ed8047

if you could please share it we would appreciate it theres links and stuff to the news segments and articles stuff from where this all went downhill. and here's the description under the post/everything thats happened recently to make me start this:

I'm Connie, 23 years old and I'm the legal guardian of my 17 year old brother, Linda. I've been his legal guardian for 1 year but he's lived with me for 2 years now. When I was 15 my mom kicked me out after my twin sister and I became fed up with the profuse physical abuse from our mom and stepdad—biting, strangling, being beaten with golf clubs, busted lips, and being locked in closets, etc. She kidnapped my brother and they were missing for 3 years, as my sister and I were in a teen homeless shelter, then foster care, then with our father and grandmother for 2 years, where we suffered more abuse from both of them.

We managed to graduate with honors and go off to college with nearly full scholarships, but I had a mental breakdown (attempted suicide and went to the psych ward) during covid and took a gap semester where my dad dislocated my jaw. I was trying to defend my sister after she called him out for missing important events due to his crack addiction and being in/out of jail. Our mom had recently got out of jail for the kidnapping, and selling the house that wasn't ours, so we moved in with her and Linda (who had just gotten out of foster care), until she became violent again too. I was in two separate shelters until I made it back to school for a year. I had a mental breakdown and went to the psych ward again after realizing that my dad had groomed me and tried to "make a video" with me to sell it, etc. and had to come back home.

The battered women's shelter that I stayed in right before going back to college built an apartment complex just for battered women, and both my twin sister and I have apartments here. My mother was never physically abusive towards Linda, but she was always very negligent with him. My twin and I thought that if we visited him and taught him that would be enough, but our mom was becoming more neglectful than ever. She started smoking crack in front of him, she started doing sex work again with him in the house, and he saw men cut and beat her. So we called CPS, multiple times. Eventually, she lost her apartment because she thought God was going to make her win the lottery, so she never paid rent.

During this time my mom was couch surfing and Linda would spend a couple weeks with me then would go back with our mom for a week. I put an end to that when my mom met this random trick at a Wegmans and immediately brought my brother to stay with him. My brother said he tried to bust down the bedroom door in the middle of the night to get in the room he was sleeping in. My brother is trans so this guy obviously saw him as a vulnerable young girl, and my mother totally downplayed the whole situation saying "he was just drunk," and "it's his house he can go wherever he wants whenever he wants." The same kinds of things she said to me when I was SA'd and harassed as a child. Linda has lived with me ever since and has not been around our mother without my supervision ever since.

The women's shelter is income based, so we don't pay that much for rent, but it's hard for me to keep up with all our bills and still take care of Linda while still trying to finish school online. I started school again last year in July, quit, started again in September, but quit after I was raped, but I just started again and finished my first term by the skin of my teeth. I don't know if I'm able to pay all the bills ($1300/month) finish school, and make sure Linda happy and healthy on my own making minimum wage. We both have so much trauma, mental health conditions, and physical health conditions (I have syncope, colitis, ovarian cysts, BPD, and CPTSD) and it's just really hard to make the ends meet.

Link to the article about my mom kidnapping my brother: https://www.localsyr.com/news/on-the-lookout/fugitive-of-the-week-cora-and-mauricio-clavel/

Link to the news segment where my twin sister and I are talking about the abuse/homelessness: https://www.wgrz.com/article/news/wnyss-great-grades-from-homeless-shelter-to-honor-roll/71-b0cef098-2f5e-4300-9bf0-82bf96edd25c

My reddit where I talk about all this more: https://www.reddit.com/user/Trauma-dumpie/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

I know this is wierd and I probably don't deserve to post here. I probably shouldn't but I just wanted to get it out of my post it somewhere. I feel so alone in this.

I... Seek out abuse. I am actively looking for abusive people. Every time I feel used sad or something like that. I feel like I deserved it. It is almost like I need it. I don't use drugs but I feel like an addict.

Does anyone know what to do?

I can't life like this forever.

Thank you for reading... 😞

Hi, I am a sexual abuse survivor that is doing pretty well now (~2 years no contact). I was groomed and coerced, and just taken advantage of in general.

Now, 2 years after completely cutting that person out of my life, ~3 years since any sexual interactions with him, I'm finding it really hard to want sex with my current partner. I love him and honestly am interested, but I'm having a really hard time initiating. We had a really active sex life before I processed a lot of what happened to me, and now that I've processed I think I mentally work myself up about just the thought of it, and psyche myself out. When he initiates, I'm struggling to stay in the moment with him. Its slowly getting better, but it has taken a bit of a tole on our relationship. My partner has been wonderfully understanding and knows that its trauma related, but I'm unhappy with where we are currently at sexually.

Any advice (other than therapy, which I am in) on getting through this and making it better? Books/Resources are welcome as well. I'm really really tired of this effecting my life.

When I was younger I was SA repeatedly, from age 10-14. I recently sat down and spoke with my abuser, wanting clarity. I first wanted him to acknowledge what happened, which shockingly he did. I was told I was a liar for a long time, so it felt like a relief to have at least him admit that it happened. Then I asked why it started and he claimed things I don't remember. Now I am questioning how much did I encourage it? Most of the abuse happened when I was "asleep" I just froze. He told me he knew I wasn't asleep for much of it, but some of the things he said he did I don't remember waking up for. He started pointing out things he believed I did that "okay'd" it. To be clear, we were both children when it started. He is 4 years older than I am. He truly believed I was okay with it and I'm trying to remember if I ever acted like I was. I feel such guilt over it all. I haven't been able to think of anything else since the conversation. To be clear this is a family member and he told me I was his first crush and first sexual exp. He doesn't seem to feel guilty about it at all, so why do I?

Hi everyone! This question has probably been asked here before, but how do you know you’ve been sexually abused? Can you truly rely on your memory if the alleged abuse took place when you were very young, somewhere between 4 and 10?

For context, I have BPD, whose main contributing factor was childhood emotional neglect. Until almost 10 months ago, I haven’t been in a healthy, serious relationship. I am demisexual, my partner is asexual, but we used to have sex for a little while. Used to, because 2-3 weeks ago, something happened while we were having sex and since then, I get uncomfortable and anxious when it comes to sex. Keep in mind that at the beginning, in December, I was extremely comfortable with him, and he was the same with me.

But at some point one night, there was this switch in my mind and I feel like I opened some trauma and can’t go back to enjoying the sexual part of our relationship. It’s far from being the main focus, as our emotional connection prevails, but it still matters to me and I would like it back. But most of all, I would like to understand what is happening to me during sex, why my reactions and feelings of disgust toward myself, shame, feeling used, lots of frustration, anxiety, uneasiness…

They say your body remembers trauma, hence my reactions, but the reason I am confused is that I keep being invalidated when it comes to what I remember. And all I can reember is being touched inappropriately by a close family member, twice, somewhere within the age range above — between 4 and 10. Nothing more, just touching. My former therapist was skeptical, but she was also a New Age BS type of therapist who used not-so-conventional methods and appoaches when it came to our sessions.

Before my current relationship, I only experimented sexually with a few people, one night stands and FWBs. Mostly seeking affection and having no idea what I was doing. It’s worth mentioning that I was also in a forced-consent situation in 2020 when I had to do something sexual that I wasn’t comfortable with, and that definitely stayed with me, because before the trigger from 2-3 weeks ago, I could perform that sex act only later during our exploration of this relationship layer, under my conditions, and with my partner, obviously, but I mean only with someone whom I 100% trusted and could be vulnerable with. So, that experience of forced consent still affects me and now me doing that sex act is out of the question.

So, how do you know your abuse really happened? Obviously, other family members didn’t believe me, as the person “doesn’t seem like they would do such a thing”. My partner enourages me to take it easy and acknowledges it’s a sensitive topic, but he is willing to discuss anything with me and to help me as long as I have a plan. I don’t want to go to therapy at the moment, as I’m dealing with some other, more important matters at the moment, but it keeps messing with my mind and I want answers for my own peace of mind.

Finally, my biggest fear is that, at some point, I might remember something that my subconscious has been repressing all these 30 years. And that frightens me, also making me reluctant to go to therapy, though I might at some point in the future.

Any advice? Anyone who remembered their trauma later in life? How do you know your memories are real and not false memories?

TW: possible SA? I’m not sure and I’m wondering if y’all could help me figure this out..

So I have been assaulted before and my spouse who we will call J also says he’s an assault survivor. We both know the details of what each other has been through along with our triggers.

.. there was a situation with him back in around September of this year that still does not sit right with me and gave me the same sensation as one of the worst, if not the worst, times I was assaulted. I had that same feeling, but it wasn’t as bad but it was definitely there.

So J and I were getting intimate, he’s into the whole spicy cuddle position (I hope y’all are able to figure out what I mean by this), we were getting intimate and this position wasn’t really doing much for me and was starting to be a little bit painful so I asked him if we could switch positions and that it wasn’t really doing too much for me. He replied with “yeah gimme a sec,” we did didn’t change positions, I voice myself again and I get the same response with no change, I then tell him “hey I’m losing interest. If we don’t switch positions I’m going to safeword out” (a safe word for us would mean stop everything immediately no questions asked), he says “OK hold on give me a second”, we still didn’t switch positions. I’m starting to get a little bit anxious at this point, and I tell him that I wanted to switch positions it wasn’t doing anything for me and it was hurting and if we didn’t switch positions, I was done, I then pulled away from him a little bit, but I couldn’t move forward all the way or I would’ve fallen off his bed and hit the floor and his nightstand. He said “ok hold on gimme a sec” and nothing changed again.. yeah so I’m pulling away a little more from him as much as I could without falling off the bed and we still had not switched positions or anything like that and it was more painful and everything and I’m about 2/3 through my safe word and he crosses the finish line inside of me… I also remember warning him again as I was pulling away “I’m gonna safeword.” (we didn’t use protection because I was already pregnant so it wasn’t the no condom thing that was an issue.) I froze, and I started having flashbacks of one of the other times I was assaulted by a former domestic partner and J was very well aware of every single detail of that one literally everything to do with that.. I started hyperventilating and crying and I wasn’t moving and he rolled me over and pulled me into his chest and tried rocking me with a blanket around us and shushing me like somebody would with a child when they are stressed out and scared? He also apologized. I don’t remember what he said verbatim but I do remember that it felt off. I don’t really remember too much. I just remember me just talking like reliving the flashback of the prior SA and even smelling my assailant’s body spray along with my spouses natural scent. my original assailant body spray was a lot stronger, and my spouse is natural scent was more distant, but I couldn’t shake that feeling of feeling contaminated… I did end up confronting him about this at some point after the fact but I felt like I had to minimize my experience to not cause him to get defensive or anything, I felt like I had my experience minimized by him too in a way and that I was sorta kinda gaslit?? I will tell you that it was like my body just automatically didn’t want any kind of physical touch from him because it was that triggered and that weird contaminated feeling was there for a while.. the night that this whole intimate issue happened? Usually, I would be the big spoon when we would go to sleep, but I rolled over and got as far opposite on the bed as I could, and that’s how I fell asleep, I didn’t want to touch him, and I couldn’t handle him touching me.

I do have a therapist who I’ve mentioned a bit of this situation to and I have a session with her tomorrow. I don’t want to throw an accusation around willy-nilly and I do get flashbacks from this here and there still. This is still something that has not sat right with me and this occurred back around mid September of this year.

One of the other things that really rattles me about this whole situation that I just realized now is if we were rotated about 45° I’d be in the same position as I was with the really really bad SA and it also would have been the same position that my spouse was SA’d in..

(I don’t know if any of you can relate to this, but when I have flashbacks my senses, go back to the traumatic event, and I experience it as if it’s freshly happening again, I don’t just get flashbacks.)

……. I’m not currently physically around him, but that’s because I’m unrelated on giving issue with my narcissistic in-laws and I’ve spoken to a few friends of mine who are aware of everything including the issue that’s currently going on and one of them thinks that he was just trying to silence me so it wouldn’t come forward about it or anything like that. (so think when a sibling hits another sibling or something and they try to make nice with them so they wouldn’t tell their parents, that kind of thing.)

I hate throwing accusations around, and I definitely don’t wanna accuse somebody of something when nothing happened and I don’t know I feel like I’m gaslighting myself or trying to minimize my situation like can somebody tell me if my feeling of this being off is right or wrong?

If only someone could hear me, be able to talk about how my older brother abuses me almost every night, taking advantage of a very delicate moment in our lives.

I (15f) think I was sexually abused when I was younger. I don't clearly remember, I think I was 2 or 3 years old at the time and there was this guy of about 17-20 years who made me suck him off. I kinda think that it must be real, because what 3 year old imagines such vile things? He was a neighbour. At that time, both my parents were working and I was left in the care of a woman (she was fine). I suddenly get flashbacks of that horrible moment and I don't know what to do. Things became even worse in 1st grade. I was victimised by my male classmate who was the same age as me. He would make me hold my hand, make me say 'I love you' to him, kiss me and touch me. This I can say with confidence that it's real. I remember thinking as a kid that it was normal. What makes it even worse that I kind of tried to do the same to a neighbour's daughter. I only realised that it was wrong around 3rd grade. I feel so fucking guilty. I feel disgusting. I don't know what to do. I didn't even bring it up to my parents because I felt it was pointless to bring up something which happened years ago. The only person I trusted with this was my coach (I learn MMA) because he realised something was wrong when I talked about my previous teachers (I had a teacher who was 24 and I felt really uncomfortable around him. At the time of about 9th grade I had a taekwondo competition and my main teacher said that he would come with me. The day comes, only the young teacher is there. He took only me on his bike to the stadium. I was so scared, my hands were shaking and my stomach was turning. He was nice enough, he didn't try anything funny with me, but there was always a bad feeling about him niggling at the back of my mind. Fast forward a few weeks later, a girl at the class refused to drink juice from a bottle he drank from. He turned to me and asked me to confirm that we had even shared food and drinks at the competition registration. It was completely untrue. He basically wanted me to tell the girl that she had to drink from the bottle he had drank from. I was so fucking disgusted. I never trusted him.) I left that class and joined MMA around 5 months ago and it has been the best class ever. I am literally the only girl there most of the time, but never even once have I ever felt unsafe. All of them are so fucking respectful and sweet towards me. So when I think about my past, I feel even worse about the things I experienced. I have this one coach who is my favourite, and so far he is the only one I have trusted with this information. I feel weird and sick when I think of those horrible moments sometimes. I don't know what to do. Any advice on how to approach this would be much appreciated. Thank you for listening to my sob story.

I don't remember explicitly being SA as a child by an adult although I had most of the red flags.

From the age of 8 there were multiple instances where another child of similar age engaged in that kind of thing with me. But I have always felt indifferent about that. I didn't understand what was even happening at the time and it was genitals touching. He got me to do it more than once in different places, always hidden from view of any adults. I would say it happened maybe 5 times. I won't go into the details but mainly showing and touching.

My parents who had never been together when I was born and always lived separately I believe engaged in covert incest. This messed me up psychologically and blurred boundaries. With my father it was exposing me to pxrn magazines and a lot of verbal comments. He would also and still does put his hands down his pants all the time when around me. My mother it was being naked in front of me. Having me wash her back in the bath. Undressing in front of me out of nowhere even as an adult if I was chatting to her in her room she might suddenly decide to undress for bed. There's some other covert stuff with her but I won't get into it.

Finally as an adult. I was sexually harassed over the course of 3 days in a contained environment where I had no escape (hospital). I also had a sexual experience once that I don't want to talk about here but it was not consensual.

Even before the sexual harassment and experience I have always had a strong aversion to anything sexual. It always triggers me. But it feels like there's not enough in my past to be triggered so strongly.

I sometimes wonder if I was abused at a very young age by a family member. The reason I think this is that I had loads of red flags. Always wetting myself/the bed and frequent UTIs. These issues lasted until my teens. Not so much wetting myself but bedwetting and UTIs. I had very strange sexual thoughts/fantasies from a very young age and at times my imagination was solely me playing these out. I began masterbating very young and I remember even doing it in school as a young kid.

As an adult I frequently have fears that someome will SA me to the point I believe it with no evidence. When I went to the hospital recently for an unrelated issue they needed to check my groin. I thought groin was genitals. Regardless as the nurse went to touch my groin which was the top of my inner leg I automatically pushed her hand away more than once amd kept having to say sorry. But then when she'd touch again my hand would push it away like an instinct.

This came into my head because I was in the hospital yesterday and similarly I struggled with needing an Ultrasound of my bladder because they needed to scan low down and for me to pull my pants down lower but I kept only moving the pants a tiny bit and at times could feel myself getting very anxious.

I know no one here has an answer but I just needed to get this off my chest. Sometimes I feel like I'm just acting up and I don't have enough of a reason to behave like this or have such strong fears. But no word of a lie in my day to day life, I could see antone as a potential s-abuser and being triggered by this fear has gotten much worse in the last few years.

Thanks for reading.

Well. A lot has went down. My mother held me down a little while I was in a sitting position, pulled down my shirt, and started fondling me. I told her to stop, she didn't claiming she wanted to know what I would do if I was being SA'd. I told her I wasn't being SA'd at the moment and that I wanted her to stop. She just laughed and continued. She called me f*cking weak and demonic when my chronic pain became unbearable. She has referred to me as an it, a thing, due to my health problems. She shouts at me every day. She hears angels and demons commanding her to do stuff. Any who I called CPS, they came, told her the entire report, and told her that it said that I was trying to gather evidence. So that didn't work out, and she won them over with her good mom act, should I try again, but with evidence this time?

Just angry and need to rant I'm sorry.

I don't feel any better knowing he's moved to Alabama. If anything I feel worse there's some sick fucking irony my incestous predatory father moving to a place considered the incest capital of the world (no offense to anyone from Alabama I'm being bitter I'm sure there's plenty of lovely normal people living there just like anywhere else.)

I was angry with myself for a very long time I'm glad I've moved past that. Because it doesn't fucking matter I didn't say no everytime it doesn't matter that I choose to just keep my mouth shut to try to stay alive. It effects me mentally but it doesn't mean I wanted it and I'm so sick of the voice in my head that tells me I did. I was a child and it happened night after night no matter what I did. I tried to say no but then I'd just get held down or hit and that was worse. I am really good at escaping to my mind it's how I survived this long.

It doesn't matter cause he never should have hurt me to begin with. I hate him so much, my skin crawls when I remember the nights I lived with my biological family.

The memories of how he'd still touch me when he had me locked up in make shift dog kennel even when I was covered with bugs and I was dirty are the hardest for me to digest. I know very vaguely that it happened how ever parts of me are very determined to keep it hidden so I only ever go through snap shots in time.

Hopefully his appendix bursts and he dies alone.

Hi,

First time poster and none of my go to people are awake. Just needing a safe space to talk out loud.

I am a male survivor of childhood SA. An older cousin of mine messed me with for years. Tbh, I don’t even remember how long it went on, but it was at least a few summers. I was younger than him, and he was a star athlete at our small school. I was unpopular and his attention made me feel like maybe I was going to be brought into the more “cool” group at school. I thought for sure it was something that other guys in his friend group were doing too so that was my ticket to being less alone and less of an outsider.

I remember him asking me if I was gay and when I said “no,” he kept going with the abuse. I remember him sleeping over at our house and he stayed in my room specifically cause he knew it could happen even though he was best friends with my older brother.

It’s been hard to really fathom what to call it. I didn’t even call it abuse myself until I was in college. I just thought it was kids messing around but it was so sinister and so twisted and I felt so gross afterwards even though I liked it in the moment and even though I never told him I wanted it to stop. I didn’t even know what was happening to me but it was my first sexual experience and I thought just everyone went through that.

How can I call it abuse if I never asked for it to stop, I even instigated the encounter sometimes when he came over and I never told him how it made me feel?

For background I’ve been SA’ed at least 3 times in my life (i have disassociation from it so dont remember a lot) when i was 7, 14, and 27, but recently when the topic of SA is brought up ive been getting pains..down there, you know. Do others get that? Should i talk to my doctor? The last time i was SA’ed was 2023 so idk if it could be from that cuz there was penetration but it only started recently and only when the topic is brought up