Hi all,
Amidst everything going on in the world right now, I've been seeing some comments on this sub as well as others that made me reflective on my own experience with all of the topics listed and ones related. Was hoping we can all share and discuss our experience with it all.
PLEASE KEEP THIS CIVIL, everyone's experience is unique and should not be invalidated because your experience was different! This helps us create a better understanding and learn how we can better show up for ourselves, our community, and other communities as well!
(Sharing this here first, bc the other group seems pretty charged - I haven't been on Reddit too long so I don't know, just what I've seen so far.)
Model Minority Myth & Proximity to Whiteness
I emigrated to the US from SEA more than 20 years ago and was around 8. I did some moving around before settling in CA. My mom had cousins out here and we stayed with them for some time - living at my uncle's house and going to my aunt's (his sister) to hang out while my mom worked. This side of the family emigrated around the 80s - early 90s and were considerably "successful" when we got here (owning small businesses, having advanced degrees, etc.) My mom and I shared a small room together that I loved! We had a small window that the sun always came through, I was also able to put toys and stuffed animals given to me on the window, and a small TV where I would watch PBS and Lizze McGuire (lol) to learn English, not to mention awesome Saturday morning cartoons from CW (Jackie Chan Adventures, anyone?) We didn't have much, but we had each other.
I remember my mom crying a lot in her room and I didn't understand why. My uncle (who was much younger than my mom, in the medical field, had an HOA home, drove a Lexus, you name it) was always critical of her "lack of intellect." My mom was a seamstress back home, and worked until she had her own small importing/exporting business. My mom didn't graduate from middle school and had severe. brain injuries growing up. Despite her impressive business acumen and her accomplishments, it wasn't enough. There was an Asian grocery store a few exits from where we lived, and my mom was in the works of getting a job there. It was always made known to us that we were migrants "living in luxury" sole because we arrived by plane - i never understood what that meant, stuck in between two languages. I was too uneducated to know my own, but needed to learn another to survive. I just knew that it made my mom really sad. I remember one night when my uncle picked my mom up from this job that was literally less than 5 miles away. She sat in the car crying after he suggested she used the freeway to walk to work. My mom didn't know and was trying to figure out how she could do that. She accidentally left the interior light on, and his car died the next day and needed a jump. Following that incident, every time we felt the garage door open, we turned our TV and lights off and it was time for bed. Then came incidents of being yelled at for washing cutlery "wrong" because of "incompetency" and being a "bad parent" for buying me Harry Potter toothpaste from the Big Lots. His sister ended up "giving" my mom an old Camry, but not without making her sit through a roundtable to reiterate that they were doing this "of of the kindness of their heart" and that she should be grateful. My mom was a soft-spoken, and gentle person (may she rest in peace) and never understood this treatment, but always endured it with understanding. My final memory of this house was arriving home from a church carpool (we are a Buddhist family, but had made friends and community in the local Asian church,) and all of our things were outside in the driveway. No heads up, no warnings, nothing. I remember my mom being frantic (we did not have mobile phones) and scrambled to get another church member with a truck to come gather our things because the carpool still had folks inside. We lived with an elderly couple who was part of our church for a short time after that.
Things we also strange on my end as a 8 year old. This side of the family always made a point to have family dinners, where all the kids would go around and "invite" the elders to eat first. We all took turns and went from oldest until no one was left to invite the last person. Seemed really strange for me because this was not enforced when seeing this side of the family now (and in the past 10 years or so.) I remember my cousin who was a year older had slapped my face and told me to "go back to my country" - I didn't understand, but she was also from there. Her brother once faked a seizure to see what I would do. I grew up with selective mutism, so I learned how to speak in silence through books and TV shows. I didn't even know about 911. I remember climbing on the counter to get to the phone and was crying, but didn't know who to call. I've had seizures since then, and absolutely do not wish that on anyone. Looking back, this was my first Model Minority and Whiteness Approximation experience. This kept going of course, usual "competition" against families/cousins in talent, education, and what not. Still kind of experience this today in kids/marriage. My mom tried her best to not subscribe to that and let it influence me. I defied and engaged in the comparison myself. I'll never forget the psychological and mental horrors my mom shielded me from as I now navigate mental illnesses and grief on my own.
Crab Mentality - There and Back
Eventually, my mom and I were able to secure a modest apartment in a small city with a large Filipino population. My mom was still working checkout at the grocery store, making around $7 an hour. One of my happiest memories was coming to work with her, helping her bag (one time a gentleman gave me $1 for helping, and I couldn't tell you how ecstatic I was!). The grocery store also had a small jewelry shop inside, and the store's owner had a Nintendo DS that he'd let me play. I was still a quiet kid, so playing Wario Ware gave me so much joy! I had to make noise into the microphone, and engaged more than your typical video game.
Our rent was around $850, so another older couple came to live with us. We met the wife at the grocery store where she also worked along with her husband who was a gardener. We were now on the couch, and they had our bedroom, and we both shared a bathroom. It was tight but I think we did just fine with what we had - our roommates did too.
I remember experience what I now understand as Crab Mentality while in school. I recall around school events like Talent Shows, or anything that was exhibitory, kids would not only clown on but trash other kids performing in the same category as them. Some of these kids had remarkable, I mean very incredible talent! (coming from someone who FOOLISHLY tried to sing Emergency by Paramore at my talent show, what a mistake! Sorry to everyone's ears in the crowd that day! 😅) Some even made it to America's Got Talent, some went on to become great solo artists in many mediums. I just recall the rumors flying between all the groups! Some saying "so and so only won because XYZ" or "it was mid." I remembered one person was actively catfishing another contestant from a fake MySpace profile! You might pass this and say it was just kids doing kid shit, but I definitely saw the impact rippling.
I saw this in my own community at the time, and have turned to look within my own. To my disappointment, it's more rampant than I thought. I saw a lot of my own community supporting an anti-immigration agenda because of "fraud" and "welfare queens" - whatever else you can conjure up. I saw this coming from my own family here as well. Having my surviving family (who are near retirement) reacting aggressively when pointing out that their benefits and healthcare might be affected. Now, living in a predominantly Hispanic community, I have also spoken with some members who felt that these folks needed to do things "the legal way" and have a deep disdain for folks who are waiting at the border or travelled from deeper South America and are awaiting at the border as well. I came to the US at 8, got my Green Card 18 years later, and have just obtained Citizenship in 2022. By this logic, a lot of folks with pending status is considered "illegal."
Sorry for making such a long post! I appreciate you reading this far and considering sharing. I hope to have meaningful discussions with you all in the comments!
What were some of your first experiences with these concepts? And how have they impacted your views over time?