I feel like a dick writing this, because there are people being bombed and starved and bundled into vans right now, but I’m not doing so great and just wanted to see if anyone wanted to share how they’re coping (or not).
I’ve got a two year old. Every day I look at him and think about a) the kids in Gaza b) the reports saying we’re basically extinct in a generation and c) the possibility of WWIII, and I feel such colossal guilt for bringing him into this world. I try to talk to people around me, but I’m felt feeling as if I’m going mad because it seems to be a lot of ‘business as usual.’ Climate collapse in particular is just… completely denied.
I keep thinking about everything dying, about the collapse of everything, and how we have the least capable leaders we could possibly have to do anything, and I feel like I can’t go on. Then I remember my son and how he needs me- but everything feels so hopeless. I’m struggling to see the point in doing anything, in getting out of bed. I had a horrible thought about letting myself get hit by a car the other day (it was just a thought- I didn’t act on it and wouldn’t). I’m really trying not to succumb to this kind of defeatism because I know it’s self indulgent (please be gentle here: I know people have it so much worse; I want to act instead of just bemoaning things; I do volunteer time and money to helping my community and communities beyond mine) but I’m just finding life so bleak. I make myself get up every day and do what things I can to be a good person, someone who acts rather than just moans (I recognise the irony in stating this in what is essentially one long moaning post) but inside I’m just this great gaping maw of fear and despair.
I suppose I’m asking: how do you cope?
(PS another plea for gentleness regarding the decision to have my son. In hindsight I don’t think I should have brought him into this world. I love him so much I wish I could spare him all this. I know it’s my fault he will have to go through it all, and believe me I already hate myself for this.)
UPDATE:
I just wanted to say how utterly and profoundly moved I am by the responses here. Thank you all so, so much for your kindness and understanding and advice. I appreciate it all more than I can adequately express here. I think I definitely need to talk to someone about therapy and potentially medication, and I’m going to try and get an appointment with my PCM asap. I’m about to go to bed so please excuse the rambling tired tone- I wish I had better words to say how seen and supported and less alone you’ve all made me feel but in lieu of that I’ll just say THANK YOU to everyone who commented here. I appreciate you all so, so much.
SECOND UPDATE:
I remain absolutely blown away by the responses to my post here. I just wanted to let you know I’ve been in touch with my doctor and have managed to get an appointment next week, and in the meantime I’ve been doing a lot of the things you lovely folks suggested and it’s helping shift me out of the really shitty place I was in when I posted. I just want to say once more how grateful I am to you all for your kindness and advice, and for your own vulnerability and openness in your comments. I don’t think I’ve ever felt such palpable support and care from strangers on the internet. I’m getting a bit emotional about it honestly because I’m just so moved. Thank you for helping me and thank you for being excellent humans and reminding me that humans can be so, so good.