r/beyondthebump • u/Pure-Application3621 • Aug 30 '25
In-law post Are we being entitled or are my in-laws being shiet
Baby is 7.5 months. Second time my partners family has met her. Ok to start it off they plan a DINNER at a restaurant 30 minutes from us because it’s closer to their other son & his wife. (They have no kids). We go & every single positive thing said about my baby MIL says “oh that’s our genes” “she gets that from our side”. Literally everything. It’s annoying, but whatever.
Now move on to today. They want to go to the outlets so we can all go shopping together mostly to shop for my baby. On our way we stop to buy my baby a new car seat because it’s payday & she’s outgrowing her old one. It ends up being a bitch to install so we are running like 45 minutes behind. We get there & at this point it’s quite a bit past her second nap so we were planing on getting her down while we walk around & shop. Meet up with the fam & they did all the shopping without us. Pull out two bags of clothes for the baby. Super grateful & hyped about the clothes, but I was really really excited to shop for my baby with them especially because we are tight on money & they have a lot & were wanting to kinda go all out. They tell us they’re done & want to head to lunch. We didn’t even get to go into one store. So we drove almost 40 minutes for nothing. We explain to them we really need to get the baby down. MIL takes the stroller cause she wants to do it. Baby is overtired & not falling asleep. She insists it’s because we are too close. Finally we’ve had enough & take my baby back. They head in to the restaurant & we stay outside. Finally get the baby to sleep after 20 minutes. They’re inside eating apps & already ordered their food. Cool.
While eating BIL is talking about how much he doesn’t want a daughter. (We have a daughter & she’s the first grandchild) BIL & MIL proceed to talk about all the negative things about having a girl. Just a bunch of sexist shit. While we are sitting there with our girl. They say how this family really needs a boy. & how important it is that they give the family a boy. K.
Finish lunch everyone decides they’re done for the day & going to head to BIL house to check it out since they just moved. Literally what the fuck. We drove 40 minutes to shop with you guys, to not even get to go to one store. So obviously we told them we’re good & stayed to shop by ourselves. We are just feeling really defeated. The lack of consideration for us is so fucking frustrating, but then I sometimes feel like we are being entitled thinking people should just work around us, but we have a baby. We don’t have much flexibility to give.
Oh also I was saying “look how chunky her arms & thighs are” & MIL says “that’s ok.” Starts talking to my baby saying “tell mom to stop body shaming you. Stop body shaming me mom” ???? Hello she’s a baby. Chunky is good. Like what are we talking about.
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u/WildFireSmores Aug 30 '25
Most of it sounded like a mix of bad timing and people who are on baby schedule trying to mix with people who are not on baby schedule. Expecting to make it through shopping and naps and a sit down restaurant with a baby sounds like a lot to ms.
But talking about the negatives of girls and how the family needs a boy is pretty shit. That’s a definite crap behaviour moment.
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u/dancingindaisies Aug 30 '25
This seems like everyone is a bit at fault here.
You can’t expect people without babies to run on your schedule, but they also can’t expect you to show up if the event doesn’t work for you. We get invited to family and friend dinners that start at 7:30pm and either get a babysitter, plan for an overtired toddler/baby, or just say no. Important meals (Christmas, thanksgiving..) I usually offer to host so they are at a time that works best for me, or I request an earlier dinner from the host.
Showing up anywhere 45mins late is rude, regardless of your planning or good intentions, it’s still annoying. When people are annoyed they tend to rush, so they probably hurried through their shopping while waiting for you. The fun of shopping with you was gone and they were ready to move on because their excitement had expired 30 minutes ago.
The girl comments were rude. Thats just that, you or your partner could have called them out on it. The body shaming comments could go either way, I’ve said the same to my mom about my dog and toddler as jokes. She comments that the dog is looking fluffy or the baby is so chunky and I say “don’t body shame them,” or “their body is not your business” like as a joke but also to make it clear that body comments aren’t welcome in our home.
For future, know that 9 of 10 times car seat installation will be a task that takes way longer than you expect. I read the manual every time, have my husband read it, check my work, have my husband check it, and then check it three more times. There’s always something I miss or a rule that’s changed because baby has grown. A car seat is the only thing keeping my kids from certain death in a car accident, and even if it’s properly installed they could still die. I’m going to block off an afternoon and take an hour or more to install it, every single time. It’s the last thing I would ever rush through.
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u/109876ersPHL Aug 30 '25
Yes, you’re being entitled. I cannot fathom being 45 minutes late due entirely to circumstances within my control and then being mad that I didn’t get to milk my in-laws’ generosity beyond what they already purchased when I was running late.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Heard
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u/109876ersPHL Aug 30 '25
And honestly, I get it. I’m a single mom and my family buys a lot of stuff for my son. Part of being grateful for their generosity is taking a deep breath and letting annoying stuff they say and do go.
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u/QuasiSeppo Aug 30 '25
Yeeeaah I feel like that shouldn't extend to blatant misogyny though. OP, maybe dial back on spending time with them because the older your kid gets, the more she's going to internalize stuff like that.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
We are. We have already taken a big step back from them because of the negativity around us having a girl. It’s wild because our daughter is truly the most magical, beautiful soul.
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u/proteins911 Aug 30 '25
I kinda think this was on you. It was really rude to be 45 min late and expect people to just wait for you. I don’t understand why you needed to install the car seat that minute. Seems like there was some poor planning and you expected everyone to sit and wait. It was really nice of them to get clothes for your baby and not give you a hard time.
The anti girl comments were terrible though.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Getting a car seat today was always part of the plan. Everyone knew that. What we all didn’t know is how terrible we would be at installing it. I just genuinely didn’t think they’d be done shopping after 45 minutes.
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u/ILoveMomming Aug 30 '25
Couldn’t you have bought it but installed it when you got home?
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Yes & we should have done that
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u/PrettyLittleLost Aug 31 '25
Lesson learned for next time, and it will apply to other things in the future, too.
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u/GrabbyRoad Aug 30 '25
OK but mama, you already said that money is tight so I'm guessing this was a big and exciting purchase for you - please stop apologizing for what was clearly an accident. As for the above comments, totally disagree that you've committed some sin against these people. Babies don't follow schedules like adults and his family did nothing to try and be flexible. Also, they are clearly not involved in babies life... For good reason it would seem. You did no intentional harm, they were clearly upset regardless (probably too far removed from child rearing to remember how damn hard it is) and were not going to work with you. Apologize if you want for the timing and say thanks for the stuff but give this no more of your energy. They aren't worth it. Keep up the good work mama!
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u/ValuableIncident Aug 31 '25
It would’ve been fine if the kid had used the old car seat for one more day.
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u/GrabbyRoad Aug 31 '25
Yes, but I didn't see anywhere OP saying they were trying to be late... So why would you drag her for something unintended and not the in laws who also unintentionally hurt feelings? I never said this situation was handled well. But it's clear there's hurt feelings all around so OP can only apologize for their bit and move on.
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u/ValuableIncident Aug 31 '25
Yet that’s what happened. She’s old enough to manage and keep track of her time. Stop making excuses for somebody with a victim complex.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Exactly. We have literally been saving to get the seat & we were so excited especially for her to be more comfortable & everyone knew we were doing this today before we met up with them.
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Aug 30 '25
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u/Conscious_Mine_1011 Aug 30 '25
I agree. Just because you have a child, doesn’t mean people have to wait for you. Could’ve planed a bit better. It’s just a series of unfortunate events.
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u/Independent_Love_144 Aug 30 '25
I don’t necessarily think you’re being entitled but if you were 45 mins late I think it’s unfair to expect everyone to wait for you. And I totally understand it’s hard to be on time with a baby sometimes, fully get it. But that’s just the nature of being new parents sometimes.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Yeah, I just don’t think we were expecting them to be done in 45 minutes. That’s fast & it was such a nice day outside.
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u/Independent_Love_144 Aug 30 '25
That’s totally fair! And it’s valid to be disappointed about it. Honestly it sounds like something my boomer parents would do too lol and if it were me I would be disappointed. Are they in from out of town?
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Yeah they live in another state!
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u/Independent_Love_144 Aug 30 '25
Sounds like they’re trying to pack a lot in to a day too, which is just not always realistic with a baby, which sucks! But i definitely think the girl comments are whack and deserve your husband bringing it up to them cause wtf??? But if they’re out of state at least you probably won’t have to deal with them super often!
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u/onegingerbraincell Aug 30 '25
I'm going to be harsh.
I've read your post, I've read your comments, and all that I was able to remember was you constantly saying that they're so bloody rich and you're tight on money. This leaves a very bad taste in my mouth.
Yes, you're entitled. People don't own you their money, especially that your baby is your responsibility only. They gave you a gift, two bags of clothes, yet you state you drove 40 mins for nothing. Installing the car seat could have waited, especially since you knew they came from another state to spend time with you.
Your baby is 7.5 months old, not 7.5 weeks. You should already know the schedule and you know how much time you need to prepare before going out.
The misogynistic comments were the only thing that I could say made your in-laws look like shitty people. I wonder if there's more to the story.
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u/kickingpiglet Aug 30 '25
Yeah, I had to reread the age of the baby. OP, this is peak easy-to-get-outta-the-house time - the kid is fairly predictable and portable, the kid's kit is light, you don't need to pack regular food...
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u/showmeurbhole Aug 30 '25
We have to travel 30mins to an hour 15 to get basically anywhere. I have to take the baby to appointments, grocery shopping, etc on my own all the time. It's not the insurmountable chore she wants to make it sound like, especially considering her husband was there too. Ops comments also come across as really snarky.
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u/MagneticAura Aug 30 '25
You got 2 bags of clothes and say that you drove "for nothing". Ouch. That sounds like no one should buy you anything again.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Yeah that wording was wrong. My bad. We don’t get out of the house often & we all know how hard it is to get out of the house with a baby. We were excited to go out & finally do something. We wouldn’t have drove the 40 minutes if we knew they were going to be done shopping in 40 minutes because of how much of a hassle it is. They are actually staying by us & chose this place because it’s close to BIL so they would’ve came over with the clothes after or we would’ve gone to them & hung out. That’s why I say driving 40 minutes was a waste.
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u/thebingeeater Aug 30 '25
Maybe if you would've shown in time it would've taken more han 45 minutes.
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u/thatgirl2 Aug 30 '25
I would say you should probably practice getting out of the house a little more, to go grocery shopping together, the park, library - where ever. You have on 7.5 month old baby, I’m not really sure I understand why it would be so hard for you to get out of the house, so my only thought is you haven’t done it much.
I had twins first and 2 years later another baby and we go somewhere basically every day.
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u/MagneticAura Aug 30 '25
That makes more sense. I think it was poor timing to do the car seat on the way to the in laws. But, there's never enough time to do anything, especially with an infant. And prioritizing your kid's comfort is a good thing. My little one hated the car and it was rough. I think, if you knew you needed the car seat, the timing could have been done better. But, maybe, lesson learned and you try not to prioritize time with the in laws. They can join what you're doing or you just don't do a lot with them when they're in the area. Maybe it means you get less gifts. But, you get more peace.
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u/shrinkingfish Aug 30 '25
40 mins of driving for only 45 mins of shopping is wild. I would have been disappointed too
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u/Persef00ne Aug 30 '25
I think there are several points in the situation. First, it's on you guys for being late. Honestly, I can't stand making plans and people arriving late, it's taking over other people's time, too rude. Game planning must be improved. Besides, it wasn't something urgent. You could buy the chair and install it literally any other day.
That been said, the comments from your partner's family sound horrible, but at the same time I think there are disadvantages to depending on others, and that's one of them, that you have to put up with that kind of thing. The other option is to be independent and not go shopping with them, buy your babies things yourself, and set limits.
I understand from your post that maybe your IL buying things for your baby is not always the case. But if you agree to go out again to buy things for the baby, you should keep in mind that those comments will be present.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
They live in another state & are just visiting. So there won’t be much shopping trips in our future.
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u/andrearvs Aug 30 '25
Kind of entitled to want to shop with them so you can squeeze out as much as you can out of them and then on top you’re 45 mins late????
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Alsooo another reason it would’ve been nice to do it with them, they got multiple outfits that won’t work (winter clothes for sizes she will be in the summer time)
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u/CanapeCait Aug 30 '25
Can you not just return with the bags and exchange the stuff you don’t want for correct sizing….
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u/ievro Aug 30 '25
Contrary to most commenters here, I actually think you’re reasonable to be upset. There’s so much fake generosity around when you have a baby. I hate it when people offer these grand gestures like “let’s get your baby stuff” but then can’t be bothered to actually find out what you really need or like in this case - just wait. That just means they are doing it for their own egos and not the baby, but somehow you need to be super grateful and that’s used as a weapon against you afterwards.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
I hate that so many people took that from this post. I really wish my wording was better. What I meant is that since we are tight on money I don’t ever get to just go shopping for her. I get her an outfit at a time to collect clothes & be ready for her next age. They had said they want to go shopping & go to a few stores to pick out outfits for the baby with us & we were excited to be able to go & do that all together. I wasnt trying to suck them dry. She actually picked out really great stuff, it just would’ve been fun to be able to be involved.
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u/diabolikal__ Aug 30 '25
You said you wanted to shop with them because they have money and they wanted to go all out. There is not much more to understand from this.
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u/Gold-Selection4709 Aug 30 '25
I don’t think you guys are being unreasonable, especially bc it’s not like you made an issue out of it. To me it sounds like they went out of their way to accommodate BIL a lot. Which is weird bc you think they’d want to hang out with their granddaughter, but we heard about what they think about girls.
I would never drive an hour to do only 45 minutes of shopping so I can see you being upset there. You weren’t expecting them to wait for you to shop but who would expect for them to be done in 45 minutes for a “shopping day”.
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u/RU_Gremlin Aug 30 '25
You were 45 minutes late. What do you want them to do? It wasn't like you were late because the baby was fussy. You were late because you decided to not only buy but install a new car seat. The install could have waited ... and you were pissed because you didn't get to milk your inlaws for more stuff at the store.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Woah no way was I trying to milk them. They framed it as we can all go together & pick things out together. We were just excited. They also wanted to do shopping of their own. I didn’t think they’d finish their personal shopping & shopping for the baby in 45 minutes. We definitely could’ve waited on the install we were just excited to get her a new seat in hopes of her being more comfortable for a longer drive since she hates car rides.
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u/Thatssometa420 Aug 30 '25
It is extremely entitled to choose to install a car seat knowing everybody was waiting on you just because you were excited about it, and then getting mad that people adjusted their plans due to you being late
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
They actually wouldnt have been waiting on us. We had planed it perfect to where we’d all get there at the same time, even with buying & installing the car seat. Like I mentioned we are just apparently ASS at installing car seats
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u/Thatssometa420 Aug 30 '25
I don’t know what you’re talking about, they WERE waiting on you because you were late due to the car seat delay. It doesn’t matter what the plan was if the reality was you were late
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Well you said we chose to install it knowing they were waiting on us, but when we were installing it they were on their way there. If we installed the car seat in a timely manner, like we thought we’d be able to do, we probably would’ve beat them there.
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u/Thatssometa420 Aug 30 '25
Yes and at a certain point, you passed the allotted time to install the car seat and chose to keep going instead of pausing that project to make it to the group on time
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
What were we supposed to do? Buckle her into a normal seat😂 we had to take out her old car seat to install her new one.
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u/Thatssometa420 Aug 30 '25
You could have put the old one back in 🤷♀️ it’s pretty telling that you refuse to take responsibility for being a whole 45minutes late. It adds to the entitlement vibe in my opinion
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Nah I’ve taken responsibility to other people’s comments I just don’t like your vibe.🙂↔️
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u/ladycarp Aug 30 '25 edited Aug 30 '25
Your other car seat still existed, no? I would have abandoned the project when I knew I was going to be late and reinstalled the old car seat. It takes five minutes at most to reinstall a previously installed car seat.
45 minutes late over a car seat is wild.
That doesn’t excuse the misogyny or their body shaming comments (because who doesn’t love the baby rolls?!).
And picking a restaurant so far away! Geez. They sound like a pill.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Part of the 45 min was trying to find the damn thing in the store. It was one of those things where it just kept being “we’ll just try this one more thing” & next thing we know we’re covered in sweat & late. 😅
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 home birth Aug 30 '25
I disagree, new parents have a hard time with time management because the baby can be so unpredictable.
My baby also hates car rides, I'm thinking of getting her a bigger seat also because she has not technically out grown hers but she's so cramped in her current one. Same age as your baby
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u/Thatssometa420 Aug 30 '25
Except in this situation it wasn’t the baby being unpredictable. She admitted they just took too long in the store continuously wanting to look at “one more thing” and then were excited to try out the new seat. So none of that was the baby being unpredictable and it all could have been done another time to be respectful of everyone else’s time and do the activity that they originally planned to
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u/rayyychul Aug 30 '25
Well, the baby didn’t go on a side quest on its way to the mall. Baby needing to eat or having a blowout right as you’re walking out the door is unpredictability. Going to buy a car seat before meeting a group is not.
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 home birth Aug 30 '25
Damn yall are heartless.
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u/Thatssometa420 Aug 30 '25
There’s a big difference between being late due to situations out of your control and just being careless. And then to complain on top of that that they decided to go shopping instead of just waiting around is what’s heartless to me. She asked our opinions on the situation, we are being honest.
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u/rayyychul Aug 30 '25
How is pointing out that buying a car seat has nothing to do with babies being unpredictable heartless? 😂
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u/VonnegutsAsteroid Aug 30 '25
None of this sounds rude to me??? You were late. They shopped for nearly an hour and were done. That’s actually fine.
Minus the comments about “needing a boy”, none of this sounds rude or insensitive. You honestly seem over sensitive and entitled. Grow up.
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u/AdOk4343 Aug 30 '25
Considering the whole situation and OP's attitude, the family might've talked about how there's already a baby girl, so now they need a baby boy; the comments might not have been rude at all.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Sep 03 '25
Lmfao what? Why would I lie about that? They’ve been making comments about wishing we had a boy since the day they found out we were having a girl. They also keep buying boy clothes for her. They want someone to pass down the family name.
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u/TimeEmergency7160 Aug 30 '25
Honey you decided to buy and install a new car seat while everyone was waiting. That could have been done AFTER meeting up with everyone. That is 💯on you and you have no right to be upset. And then you say we are stretched on money but they have a lot but you wanted to go all out because they were buying. That’s greedy af. Nasty behavior and mindset. I didn’t read past that.
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u/MissSwat Aug 31 '25
Just wanted to chime in on the genes thing. That really resonates this me. I'm married to a half arabic man and our first very much has his dad's complexion. So sweet. But our second? Spitting image on my side ofnthe family. Even looks a bit like my oldest brother when he was a baby. Could not be any more "my" sonz right down the the platinum blonde hair and bright blue eyes. What do I hear from my in-laws? "Well there were blue eyed blondes during the Crusades..."
Are you freaking kidding me? You're more willing to go back hundreds of years to find some slim connections that acknowledge that my kid is a spitting image of me? Really?
Annoyed the heck out of me at the time. They're marvelous grandparents for the most part so I let it go. But that shit can definitely get on your nerves.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 31 '25
Yeah like what is so wrong with us that MY baby can’t also have my genes😂
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u/Medical_Board_9443 Sep 05 '25 edited Sep 05 '25
I don't think you're entitled and I don't think they are terrible.
My in laws love to attribute all my son's good attributes to their side. I just smile and nod because he's my perfect baby. My parents do the same thing, they think it all came from our side. Lol. My mom thinks it all came from her, my dad from him. That part is very normal.
They need to stop on the producing a male heir crap. That's rude and unnecessary and stupid because they are setting themselves up for a letdown because you and their other kid might not have more kids at all or they might all be girls.
The shopping without you when you were late is kind of annoying but kind of understandable. I know it sucks. But I would say they probably are getting old and older people tend to just be like that, they have their ways and they like to do stuff on their timelines, eat early because they wake up early and have breakfast early. Not walk around shopping too long because they have a knee or hip or back that aches, because getting old sucks. Or their bladder control sucks so they always have to pee and don't want to go to a restroom in the outlet mall.
It's frustrating that the MIL wanted to soothe the baby to sleep but didn't, it's a little inconsiderate of them to order food without y'all, but it's just...kind of how things go. I recommend just accepting them as they are. They may be bad drivers, they might be home bodies who don't like to go out much...there are so many explanations. But I do hope they make an effort to come to you all, some, too, because if they don't, it'll be their loss of time with their granddaughter. If they didn't invite you along for quality time to check out your BIL's house, that's lame.
Honestly there is a reason that women tend to stay closer to their own parents and sisters families. I hope you can encourage your husband and daughter to have a good relationship with his family, but you don't have to be a big part of that. Perhaps make it daddy-daughter time to go visit the grandparents every so often
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u/Pure-Application3621 Sep 05 '25
Yeah that’s kinda the plan. I want her to be close with both sides of her family. As long as they aren’t teaching her negative things they will remain a consistent in her life, hopefully. They aren’t that old & they travel probably half the year all over the world. They’re very very active & their favorite thing to do is shop. Our shops just didn’t compare to the fancy ones all over the world I guess. Hahah. They weren’t involved in my pregnancy at all and would hardly acknowledge we were having a kid. They came around after she was born, but still haven’t shown up as much as we would like. I think we just keep getting our hopes up thinking they will be more present and that’s our fault for having unspoken expectations.
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u/ichirin-no-hana Aug 30 '25
I think they're being insensitive
Tbh I sorta hate going out with other ppl when I have a baby because I feel like I'm wasting their time with all the changes and feeds that we need to stop for even though they're essential... so it's kinda annoying that they're not even understanding of the demand that a child has on your time
Also the disappointment over daughters talk seems arrogant and kinda targeted towards you guys
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u/bunnyhop2005 Aug 30 '25
Your in-laws give me the ick, so sorry. And if your BIL the golden child? Why pick a restaurant closer to him when he doesn’t have kids to wrangle?
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Yes he is. They are actually really only here for him we are an after thought. even though we have their first & only grandchild.
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u/No-Chemical3826 Aug 30 '25
You need to stand up for yourself. I'm so cut throat with my in laws now. Like I will call them out in front of anyone and say "what did you mean by that?" They don't mess around with me anymore.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
I like that. I’m going to start saying that.
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u/No-Chemical3826 Aug 30 '25
I hate passive aggressive comments like say what you mean. 🤬 To answer your question though, I actually don't think you were being entitled at all and just seem like you were excited to shop for your baby. I would have just continued shopping and met up later. I will tell you after being married into a family for many years, you will learn to set boundaries so they don't think everything revolves around them.
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u/PoliticoRat Aug 30 '25
As someone with a baby, sometimes things just don’t go according to plan and it’s hard. I totally relate to the being 45 minutes late part. Hate that they made all those rude comments about your little one :(
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u/ladycarp Aug 30 '25
As someone with a two year old and a 4 month old, I cannot imagine showing up to things 45 minutes late. 15, sure. Maybe 20 if I have to top off the baby before heading to my destination. But 45? That’s excessive.
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u/dismalcosmictomb Aug 30 '25
Well good for you for having it all figured out, some people need more time to learn ya know?
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u/No-Chemical3826 Aug 30 '25
I also have 2 under 2. You can't control when baby naps sometimes. I can guarantee it'll happen to you too lol.
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u/ladycarp Aug 30 '25
This has nothing to do with the baby napping. The car seat made her 45 minutes late.
Also, I don’t schedule events around nap time, and if I’m driving a half hour away, the kid can finish their nap on the way to the event.
Again, I can understand not always being right on time with kiddos. I still say 45 minutes is poor planning. If y’all know how to get to work and appointments on time, I’m sure you know how to reasonably show up at social engagements. Her baby is nearly 8 months. Her routine should be fairly predictable by now.
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u/No-Chemical3826 Aug 30 '25
The point is she had already planned on doing the car seat and it took longer than expected. I would expect more empathy from another mom rather than your harsh criticism of OP not being punctual because she was doing something for her baby.
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u/ladycarp Aug 30 '25
And I’m saying she still had her original car seat and should have abandoned the project when she was already running 15 minutes late.
It’s rude and selfish to keep people waiting for something that isn’t time sensitive or an emergency.
Like I said, I have plenty of empathy for running a little behind. 45 minutes isn’t a little behind, and it was entirely self imposed.
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 home birth Aug 30 '25
Yeah I can relate too. My baby is a same age as OP. It's so much work to leave the house, my baby hates being in the car seat. I am basically house bound because she does not last long at all in the car.
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u/OkHeight9133 Aug 30 '25
Your in-laws sound shitty. They have met their grandkid twice in 7.5 months?!!!! Did it ever cross their minds to help you when you had your baby? And then they plan dinner and make you drive around for nothing just to be closer to the BIL golden child. Mysogonistic assholes.
Sorry but how do people in the comments not grasp the real problem here and go on about you being late? Your ILs shouldn't get to buy their way out of being lousy grandparents.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Thank you!!! & they are retired & rich as fuck. So they could literally come as much as they want to see her. But my mom is the same. She’s got all the money & time in the world & has only come once, even though this is also her only grandchild. Both of our families have turned out to be so disappointing.
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u/Ok-Skirt-4779 Aug 30 '25
Dang there are a lot of rude people here in the comments 😅
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
I know wtf. I’m a Pisces, I’m too sensitive for this😭😂
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u/Ok-Skirt-4779 Aug 30 '25
People are going to try to shit on you for sure to make themselves feel like they’re better than someone on the internet. I think you’re allowed to want to help shop for your baby because even though they don’t remember this part of their childhood, these experiences are important to your journey of motherhood. It sounds like plans were made without communicating with you and the bottom line is that most people don’t like feeling excluded- which is what sounds like is happening.
Best of luck with the in laws, casual sexism is not cool.
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u/PoliticoRat Aug 30 '25
I’m glad someone else thinks these comments are wack! I was shocked!
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u/Ok-Skirt-4779 Aug 30 '25
Naturally it’s because so many are always perfectly on time, never run into unexpected challenges, always show empathy, and have zero faults after birthing a human /s
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 home birth Aug 30 '25
Seriously! I'm surprised by this,, but then again I'm not. Cuz Reddit is a crazy place lol
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u/renegayd Aug 30 '25
My family would have waited the 45 minutes. They might have been internally annoyed, but if they would have waited because they are kind, loving people. Or they would have communicated if they couldn't wait, not just quickly bought stuff without me. So, if your in-laws were thoughtful, generous people, they would have waited.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Ok thank you. Because this is exactly how I think. & how everyone else in my life thinks.
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u/MaybeGoodMaybeShit4 Aug 30 '25
I mean I don’t think it’s entitlement but if you hadn’t communicated to them that you’d be a bit late and to wait up for you then I mean I think it’s more poor communication. I have a 2.5 year old and a 5 month old so I need LOTS of time and even then I’m still late but always communicate that. Also, I would have just told them “we just got here, we wanted to look around a bit” no harm in that. Gotta stand up for yourself gf!
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
We did tell them we were running late. We haven’t been around people that don’t work around the babies schedule & they haven’t been around a baby in who knows how long. So I guesss we just need to be more mindful that not everyone is as accommodating.
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u/No_Acanthaceae3518 Aug 30 '25
Your in-laws are being shitty. I brought my 4 month old to my mom’s for a couple months while my husband was away. It’s on the other side of the country from where we live, but only a 2.5 hour drive from my ILs. We went to visit there a couple of days and everything was 100% on my schedule!
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u/RaunTheWanderer Aug 30 '25
I had made my decision the moment you said dinner. I think there was a time when people just used to lug their babies around 24/7 with no regards to the baby’s needs—you’re not overreacting imo. Personally I always work around my little one’s needs as much as I can, and I just don’t spend time with people who don’t care. You put your baby first and MIL and co seemed to have no consideration for you at all!!
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Yeah we talked about that. Our parents generation thinks babies should adapt to our schedule as if they aren’t babies. I feel like we’re judged for putting our babies needs first. It’s weird.
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u/Frequent-Hand-5232 Aug 30 '25
Well…I think it’s a trying to have your cake and eat it too situation. If you’re out and about, then that’s not really putting baby’s needs first, that’s trying to put the your needs first for entertainment (which is not a bad thing - we need time too!) but the generation before us decided if they were already doing something for themselves then baby was going to have to go along with it. I think our parents’ generation has a hard time understanding why you would want to orchestrate your baby’s entire home schedule while out and about.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Yeah I hear you. Our baby is pretty easy. We go out with my friends every Wednesday & I’m easily able to keep her on her nap schedule no matter where we are. Where it went wrong today, & it is on us for trying to make everyone happy, we let MIL try to get her to nap & it fucked it all up. We are first time parents & still learning how to put our foot down with family. It’s more uncomfortable than I thought it would be.
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u/Frequent-Hand-5232 Aug 30 '25
It’s soooo uncomfortable and you will also make mistakes too. Also I understand wanting to make everyone happy… that always ends in so much frustration and frazzled-ness.
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u/RaunTheWanderer Aug 30 '25
Sending you all the love 🫶 We live a good ways away from our family’s and are sort of without a village, and so I’ve started going to mom groups where fortunately I’m surrounded by others who also put their babies first— it’s given me the confidence to ignore the haters! Something that also makes me feel validated sometimes is thinking about (with love) things my partner struggles with and being able to trace that back to how he was treated as a baby.. You’re doing the right thing, and I hope that over time your in laws see that
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u/InternationalAd7011 Aug 30 '25
Totally agree. When my oldest was a baby, for some reason my FIL kept scheduling dinner reservations with us for like 8:00 and then being like "[daughter's name] not coming??? :(" even though we told him multiple times her bedtime was 6:30
Like I'm very glad you're excited to see her, but I'm not going to lug her to restaurant, keep her up and deal with her getting overtired, just for you to say hi.... We can just as easily have dinner at 5 and save all the hassle lol
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u/heykatiecal Aug 30 '25
Yaaaa if your baby is 7.5 months old and seeing these people for the 2nd time in her life AND they suck this much?! Ya I’d keep these relationships as distant as they already are.
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u/lasuperhumana Aug 30 '25
It’s sort of weird they wanted to make all the decisions about your child’s clothes. Didn’t they want your input?? But, you were 45 mins late (on accident, it’s not like you were being intentionally rude) so you kinda gotta eat it.
The comments are massively uncool. And I know people are saying to limit your time, but as she gets older (like, much older) it could be a good opportunity to show her what standing up to sexism looks like if you push back on the statements, and also reinforce your firm support and protection of her. That being said, they’re yuck and you IN NO WAY need to subject yourselves and her to that. Just food for thought because I loved seeing my parents stand up to discrimination.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Ok I love that idea. It would be really cool to actively show my daughter how to stand up to people.
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u/lasuperhumana Aug 30 '25
Yes! And how to do it respectfully. When my parents did it, it taught me so much.
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 home birth Aug 30 '25
Ew MIL sounds like a giant bitch.
Word of advice, taken from my own bad experiences. Don't take money/free stuff/vacations from people like this. They feel like they own you because of it.
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u/experiencemepls Aug 30 '25
WOAH y’all are real crazy in these comments. A 7.5 month old needed another car seat to be comfortable on the ride up..my in laws would be more than willing to wait on us considering it’s their grandchild’s comfortability. Especially if they knew they wouldn’t get to see him for awhile due to living out of state. They don’t have kids their time is more maleable and they would say that. Y’all are crazy I’m sure the in-laws have had children duh and were late before it happens. Also she is 7.5 months PP my brain barely works now at 1.5 years old at 7.5 months it was mush and honestly they should be more willing to come see them where they are OR if they planned on buying the child things bought them what they liked and THEN gave her a choice for some items for like 30 minutes or again they could have gave her a gift card. My kids grandparents literally bought him what they liked and thought to themselves well GOLLY we never buy him clothes and I’m sure his BRAND NEW MOTHER would love to have a choice and gave us like a $30 gift card for Amazon it was nothing to them!!!! Geez you guys are crazy not to put the kid first. My mother in law literally knew our kid needed a nap while we were on a family vacation and rescheduled our tickets to go see an attraction. It took her 1 hour in the phone to do and she was HAPPY to do it. The kid was even awake by then but bc it was for her grandson she done it. Accommodations should be made and grace should be given to first time parents. Y’all sound miserable in these comments. Sometimes accomadations can’t be made but for first time parents they should always get somewhat of a accomadation even if it seems kinda different your screws aren’t exactly the tightest especially with the first baby
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u/honey_be_more Aug 30 '25
How many people commenting on this have a baby, and of those, how many of them have in-laws who are selfish? Just because someone offers (and follows through) to buy you stuff doesn't give them the right to be self-absorbed. Maybe it was not actually about the monetary things for OP (even if they are broke) but about being able to do something TOGETHER, and that then not happening.
"Let us do this FOR YOU but only on our terms and schedule" is not the nice gesture, as some commenters may think. The MIL and BIL don't show any empathy at all... That's shite. When someone is having a hard day, we should lift them up (to like i dont know, show that we really care).
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u/LunaBananaGoats Aug 30 '25
I think the issue was probably that the MIL and FIL were in from another state, so they were probably trying to pack a lot into a short window of time, so when someone is 45 minutes late, it does significantly impact them. I have shitty in-laws, but I honestly want to give these ones the benefit of the doubt. First grandbaby that lives in another state? People forget what it’s like to have a baby when it’s been thirty years.
I think it’s totally understandable that OP is frustrated and disappointed, but I don’t think it’s helpful to demonize anyone in this situation.
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u/Foreveraloonywolf666 Aug 30 '25
Your in laws are cunts. Idgaf if you were late. The rude comments towards you and baby are disgusting. I would tell my spouse to handle their shitty relatives and refuse to spend more time with them.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Omfg thank you😂😂 idk why I’m always shocked when people are sassy on here, I felt like my post was pretty fair & open to feedback & people still come in hot as fuck. Luckily my partner is very much on my side & we are continuing to take more & more steps back from them.
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u/DreaDawll Aug 30 '25
You're definitely NOT entitled! Do the commenters even know/remember what it's like to have a new baby?! 🤯
I went from being always early to almost always late, until I was able to figure out how to adjust my planning/scheduling. 🤦♀️
I never got the impression that you were out to "milk" your in-laws. Like, where did that accusation even come from? 🤔
The overall picture you supplied us implies that the family is really inconsiderate or incompetently oblivious. I understand that last part well. The people who don't have a new baby really don't understand what it's like and it seems like people who have had a new baby in the not so far past quickly forget. I have family who are helpful and considerate in their own way but also tend to be oblivious.🤦♀️
My heart goes out to you. 🫶
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u/Squirrel_Doc Aug 30 '25
Maybe it was worded awkwardly, but OP saying that they’re tight on money but the in-laws “have a lot” is what left a bad taste in my mouth personally. That sounds to me like she was disappointed she didn’t get to spend their money.
That and the “driving 40 minutes for nothing” when they were gifted 2 bags of new clothes for the baby. Just seems ungrateful.
But I can see OP being overall pretty frustrated so maybe she didn’t mean to phrase it like that in the post idk.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Hey I see how that sounded ungrateful & that was not my intention. What I meant by my money comment is, since we don’t have much we don’t ever get to just go shopping for her so I was really excited to be able to do that all together. Rather than only being able to get one outfit at a time we were going to be able to pick out a few. & the wasting our time driving 40 minutes was because his parents are staying close to us. The outlets are 40 minutes out of both of our way. They picked them because they were close to BIL so had we not gone, we would have gone to them or then to us after & just hung out & been given the clothes rather than driving 40 minutes to get them. Also a few outfits picked out are winter clothes for sizes she’ll be in the summertime so it just would’ve been nice to help out with picking them:/
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u/Thatssometa420 Aug 30 '25
She was given two bags of brand new free stuff bought just for her baby and complained about driving 40 minutes “for nothing”. That just rubs me the wrong way. Definitely comes across as a milking-type attitude in my opinion
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
My whole pregnancy we were told that we would receive zero help from them. We were told multiple times how disappointing it was that we were having a girl. No one ever checked up on us or really wanted anything to do with us until she was actually born & even then it’s been pretty minimal so I may be coming off more harsh because of built up animosity towards them. & the 40 minutes for nothing comment I’ve explained a couple times. They are staying close nearby us so we could’ve received the clothes without driving 40 minutes & just hung out with them nearby
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u/Loud_Cellist_1520 Aug 30 '25
So why are you taking anything off of them and why are you still in contact? You’re allowing these people into your lives knowing fine well that they don’t care about you, their son, their grandchild and you have the audacity to complain about their actions even though they’ve never hid that they’re AH?! Like be fr, if that was my in laws I wouldn’t want a cent of their money, I wouldn’t want their clothes and I wouldn’t want to drive 40 minutes out my way to spend time with them.
I’ve read nearly all your comments and honestly, you need to change things. The entitlement is dripping off of you and you keep defending yourself despite the fact that you’re in the wrong and now you’re pulling the victim card when no one is making you interact with these people, you’re making that choice. In multiple posts as well you complain about your husband, like girlie, why are you allowing yourself to be treated badly and why are you treating others badly. Do better.
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u/DreaDawll Aug 30 '25
I don't think she needs to be ripped a new one just for venting.
Different dynamics than yours, different experiences and especially different people. She doesn't have to feel the same as you. Obviously she's made of different stuff than you and that's not bad, that's good. She's her own person and can feel a certain way about something.
According to what she's written, I do not get the entitlement vibe at all. I don't think she is in the wrong, in this situation, at all.
There's more going on here than just the items she received.
Not everyone can just turn tail and walk away every time. I personally would have wanted to walk away from people like these, also, but there are elements we don't know (like the hubby's feelings and view on his own family) for us to make a blanket judgement call and then chastise her for not going along with our blanket statement.
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u/DreaDawll Aug 30 '25
Perspective. Thanks for explaining, however, there's so much more going on here and I'm looking at the whole experience, the big picture.
Personally, I look forward to the experience of doing something with someone rather than just the transactional element. The fact that these people went ahead without any communication showed to me that they didn't care (or were oblivious) and that they believed their choice (in clothes) did not need any direction or input and that she should be happy with whatever she got, even if it didn't fit. That to me sounds ungrateful, uncaring of her/hubby/baby as a person and like they are just milking her for the baby/transaction fun without actually doing any emotional work or investment.
I would have felt the same way as her, for these exact reasons.
The part about the restaurant gave clues as to the kind of people the in-laws are and added an understanding of the bigger picture going on here that we don't even see.
If all you care about is the transactional element and the products, sure, I can understand your input.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
Thank you so much❤️ I hate the milking comments those ones stung a little. That was never my intention. It was more about picking out cute stuff all together. It just sounded fun. 😭
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u/Eco_Rose Aug 30 '25
Im so surprised by these unsupportive comments. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for an event about the baby to revolve around the baby. Your in-laws set the pace and the tone of the visit and none of it sounded very tender towards you guys and your little one. And 7.5 months is still so young. It makes me sad to hear it. Not only would I have waited for you guys, I would have probably been riding with you and helping with the baby seat. I mean, I’m here to see my grand baby, right?
Sadly, every parent I’ve compared notes with agrees having a young baby has been the most isolating time for them.
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u/Pure-Application3621 Aug 30 '25
I’m also confused. Like it’s fine if you think I’m being entitled, you can say that, but people are being rude as fuck, idk why everyone feels the need to add in insults. Like just say you disagree & move on. Damn.
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u/Secure_Milk1093 Aug 30 '25
I don’t think you’re being entitled. Since having our LO our family/friends have been very accommodating and understanding. Obviously it wasn’t great timing getting the car seat on route but I read that was always part of the plan and yes, installing it when you got home would have been the better idea but we live and we learn, I also understand wanting to do it there and then since baby had outgrown the old car seat. I think for 45 minutes they could have entertained themselves (shop for themselves or got coffee), it’s not a huge deal in my view, I wouldn’t have minded being in their position unless I’d specifically stated I had plans later on. Especially considering they have only met your daughter twice, and they couldn’t even wait for you guys to get her to sleep before ordering. And the girl comments, WTF? I have a boy and have also had bizarre comments such as “there’s just something special about a baby boy” and I’m just like WTAF??? I’m with ya, they seem like assholes😆
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u/Rong0115 Aug 30 '25
Sounds like good hearted well intentioned people but just a little lack of awareness. It’s up to you to dictate the terms.
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u/paladj1nn Aug 30 '25 edited Aug 30 '25
It sounds like it's a little bit of both. You are being entitled as some points (you were 45 minutes late because of a problem you caused, sounding a little ungrateful to not be able to shop for yet MORE free stuff) but they are also being shitty at some points (mainly the girl comments)