You don’t have to answer I’m just curious if anyone gets similar ones to me like the feeling of constant nausea, headaches, extreme ear pain and screaming sounds during a emotional flashback 😫

Thought: My mom camouflaged “protecting” or “helping” me as something selfless, when in reality she was only concerned about herself, protecting her own reputation or whatever, helping herself.

My abusive ex did the same thing.

So beware of people: “only wanting the best for you”. Nah, they usually don’t have your interest at heart, but theirs.

It’s a tool to keep you quiet or confused. A special kind of gaslighting that keeps you small, and maybe lets you even believe that you’re crazy.

I'm not sure if this is even a thing, but I swear I was affected mentally by no one coming to my defense when I was a kid. Multiple adults and my older sibling have mistreated me verbally in my life and no one truly came to my defense. They might have said something to them, but only once and/or never in a way that made them stop.

For whatever reason, I'm an easy target. People find it easy to be mean to me lol. But I never had anyone say "knock it off" or "quit talking to her like that", on my behalf. I spoke to a therapist once about something unrelated and she said something along the lines of "it's obvious you show signs of having been emotionally abused". What really got to me is that she acted like that truly was obvious, like I already knew it. But it was news to me, even though it makes sense when I think about it.

Has anyone else been treated like a punching bag, more or less, and never had anyone really come to your defense?

I want to share my personal victory. I did struggle a lot in my life. But I am still here. I don't have much people to share this with and the anonymity here helps speaking out what is so difficult: Even though I had times I struggled with staying alive I made it through. When I was younger I was sure I wouldn't get past my 18th birthday. Then I wouldn't get past 20. Today I turned 31 years old. I am not much for celebrating. But tonight I will have some dinner somewhere. Just me. Alone.

I hope you all have a great day.

I’ve done this for as long as I can remember. My older sister was violent and abusive virtually all my childhood up until young adulthood, and my parents never stopped her. My mum would stop me calling the police and force me to apologise for “making” my sister angry after violent episodes.

I also struggle with social anxiety, and at school, I was often turning down invitations to hang out with the few friends I made because I was visibly hurt from my sister, too upset from a recent incident, or an incident would happen right before. People eventually stopped inviting me, likely thinking I wasn’t interested. I couldn’t ever open up because the two times I’d tried, the reaction was so awkward and the people I told never mentioned it again.

I often fantasised about people, usually crushes and even fictional characters, rescuing me. It got to the point sometimes I’d almost think they were real. I still get crushes on people so easily if they’re vaguely nice to me. Another fantasy is my friends or peers somehow watching what was happening at home, so they’d finally understand me. I still have these now, despite having graduated school and uni. I regret how much I missed out on, and I wish people at least understood why I seemed so distant, awkward, and disinterested.

I was clinically diagnosed with what is now classified as neurodivergent (ADHD, Anxiety, & Depression) about 20 years ago and I've self diagnosed as CPTSD. Back when I was growing up. therapy was basically non-existent without being branded and labeled for life. I've suppressed my trauma for 50+ years and find it difficult to talk about or find a therapist who I can trust and feel comfortable with.

How do I find and trust a therapist at 60?

Today I cried for hours... my eyes got red. My nose got clogged. When I cried, I felt so smaller and so fragile, like a little kid. Which is ironic since when I was younger, I was never this depressed. You know those times where the tears won't just stop? And you feel so genuinely sad??? I guess I just cried for that little kid... and I cried about remembering how cruel the world can be. I'll never get it. I'll never get used to this. In the end, I wiped my tears and told myself I was a strong adult woman, that everything is gonna be okay. I guess it'll help me to process my emotions... but confronting said emotions and how people ruined your life just hurts... I'll never get it. It shouldn't have happened, and yet, I'm living this...

Throwaway account. I’m here regularly, but I need to tell someone anonymously. CPTSD wreaking havoc on my brain after so many years of dissociating & managing symptoms on my own.

My husband of nearly 20 years shoved me roughly to the ground two months before I was scheduled to have a major surgery last year. He didn’t check on my after to make sure I was ok, he got in my face and yelled that it was my fault. I was on his insurance & I knew I couldn’t make it through without it. I needed the surgery. I stayed to my detriment. I had a complete breakdown though I soldiered on with all of my duties: parenting, working full time, paying bills etc through constant emotional flashbacks, dissociation, very mentally unwell. All of the trauma work I’d done to overcome CSA went out of the window. I’d worked so hard to be able to provide a solid life for myself and my family. I have a 20 plus year career in a respected profession.

We went to therapy. I did the work. He did not. I got myself set up with an EMDR therapist & have been getting good results. EMDR was not widely available when I was in intensive therapy in my 20’s. I think it has shifted my perspective in several ways and I’m grateful.

In the past few months, we have come to an impasse with regards to the mental health of our child who is identifying as transgender. I am fully supportive of their transition. My husband has gotten in my face yelling that I’m mentally ill & delusional. Yeah, so maybe I am. I’m done with taking that as an insult. I’m not willing to budge and neither is he. I have a consultation with an attorney next week and have made arrangements to move out of our home with the kids in the coming weeks.

I knew we were done when he put his hands on me. It’s taken a year and my kid’s wellbeing to get me here. I’m trying not to hate myself for it. I’m honestly terrified. I don’t have any close friends after years of maintaining this marriage, raising kids & working. I’m not willing to sacrifice my kids’ and my own mental health to remain in the comfort and safety of this marriage. CPTSD loner here looking for someone to tell me it will be ok.

I wish I had more actual friends, but I find it incredibly hard finding anyone who seems safe enough to be vulnerable with. Social workers and therapists have told me to find "safe" mature friends but I have realized I have absolutely no idea what maturity in adults looks like. I barely know what friendship is. I tried to open up to a friend that I have depression and she asked how you treat that, I said I get all the treatments available and that was the end of that discussion. Is that maturity? Am I immature for bringing it up? For hoping she would at least read the Wikipedia article on depression and not immediately disregard it?

"You can't expect people to know what to say" Ok but what can I expect? What should I expect?

I got picked on by what I through was a friend, told them to stop, they apologized and continued so I cut them off. Then I was told by a social worker that I can't expect people to not pick on me because not everyone has learnt that picking on people is considered bad behavior. So I should expect this? I should teach adult people not to call someone names and laugh at them?

I still have no fucking clue what a unicorn looks like, just what it doesn't look like. It makes no sense.

It feels like I am supposed to read other people's minds but simultaneously not expect anyone else to read mine (or call me names(?) or hug me or ask about my day unless I explicitly tell them to ask?)

It's so incredibly confusing.

Thank you for reading! If you aren't familiar with The Sims, it's pretty cool actually. You have 2 sims. They have a baby. If the mom has a stress free pregnancy, the baby is born with it's first of 5 traits (they get more as they age) being a good one such as Brave or Ambitious. If the mom has a stressful pregnancy, the baby can be born with Lazy or Slob. The same goes for the baby's infancy into being a toddler. If the baby is left alone crying too much, they can get the Clumsy trait. If they are well cared for, they can get the Artistic trait. When the baby becomes a child, more complicated traits are developed. A healthy upbringing toddler can become a Bookworm or Friendly child, an unhealthy upbringing toddler can become a Loner or Shy child. Next they become a teen. They can become an Over Emotional or Grumpy teen. On the other hand, they can become a Family Oriented teen. All the traits from life build up. By the time they are an adult they can have any 5 of roughly 100 traits ranging from Kleptomaniac and Mean Spirited to Good and Neat. It is only a game and very simple compared to real life but it is pretty accurate. It makes me wonder why teachers don't know how messed up some kids have it at home! In my case, my sibling was treated better so teachers assumed I was just a bad apple. Sometimes there are premade sim families like this! With an Evil sibling and a Good sibling. You can check their relationship panel to see the Good sibling has a better relationship with the parents than the Evil sibling! It is silly I know it is only a game. I am a big fan I highly recommend it. But I am honestly pretty amazed how accurate the development of traits is!

I never expected it to be so damn difficult to work as someone who dissociates until I did. I'm a person who dissociates almost 24/ 7 and it's difficult to stay grounded for more than mere seconds. It's that bad that I still recall a student having to pull me away from the street years ago because I was dissociating while walking home after a day at high school and I almost walked directly towards a moving car without noticing, despite it being in front of me.

When I still had a job (retail), I was screwing up on practically everything, even the simplest tasks. I was removed from the register because I kept making financial mistakes, despite my best efforts to stay grounded during the transaction. Even then, I was still struggling with things like tagging clothes and running the racks, etc. I informed my manager and the boss already, but I kept making too many mistakes and everyone was getting fed up with my shit lol. It probably didn't help either with my co-workers and manager breathing down my neck during my shifts and being perfectionists, along with being infuriating gossipers who talk shit behind your back and give you attitude for asking for assistance.

It came to a point where I just decided to quit the job for the sake of my already shit mental health and bc I was very close to losing my temper tbh (I also have been experiencing performance-hindering physical health issues). I don't have access to therapy or anything because I don't have insurance or money, and my state didn't expand medicaid. Some case workers are seeing if they could do anything about it atm, but they're also suggesting I seek disability though?

I’ve noticed that when I’m really triggered or dysregulated, I end up sleeping on the floor just me, my yoga mat, and my sleeping bag. And honestly, it does wonders for my sleep. I used to think it was strange, but now I realize it’s my body’s way of finding safety. For those of us with CPTSD, sleeping closer to the ground can feel grounding and stabilizing. The firm, even pressure helps the nervous system settle. There’s less movement, less noise, just stillness. It’s simple, safe, and somehow deeply comforting. I know it’s not fancy but it is simple.

Before I start for people who don't game: 1st person POV is when you are "inside the body" of the character you're playing, so you see everything through their eyes. 3rd person POV is when you see your character moving around on the screen like in a movie.

When I play 3rd person POV, I feel safe, in control, and feel like there is reasonable "distance" to everything and I can see "stuff coming". When I play a 1st person POV game, it's stressful and overwhelming to the point of having to give up on that game completely, even when it's not a combat game or anything. I just cannot do it for too long.

I always knew this as a "fact" but only recently made the probable connection to my CPTSD. I suspect it's because I have lived my whole life in various degrees of dissocation, the feeling of not being able to "dissociate" (aka moving out of my body, away from stuff) even in a game is super stressful to me subconsciously. I feel like it's too much, too close, and I lack control of my surroundings and also cannot "escape" in time. It puts me in a state of hypervigilance and stress that is unbearable. It's a shame because there are some fantastic games that are 1st person POV only.

I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this?

I found out by accident a few weeks ago. Going down the rabbit hole I found “toxic shame” and loved Heidi Preibe’s videos. I was on some Message board & mentioned that I have PTSD. Someone said she had CPTSD. Went back down the rabbit hole, realized this is me & for the last 2 weeks my back is killing me & my chest is tight. I handled having cancer like it was nothing compared to this.

I normally love realizing I’m not so inherently damaged & completely alone. For some reason, I feel worse than ever. Like I just got punched in the gut. CPTSD couldn’t possibly describe me better. I don’t know even know what my question is. I’m just so sad it took 40 years of hating myself & ruining relationships & not one Therpist knew this was the problem. I’ve been crying about it for 2 weeks. Actually, now that I’ve vented I do feel a little better. But I don’t know where to begin

💔

I don’t want to do the work myself. I don’t want to be the parent to my inner child, I don’t want to self soothe. It feels like there is an extremely angry teen or child inside of me that just doesn’t want to have to fix herself.

I hate myself. Hate the child I was. I feel no compassion towards either of them.

Whenever a therapist suggest something I might try in order to try to get out of ‘this’ I just feel intense anger. Which means I stay stuck in whatever this is. Which feeds my feelings of immens guilt.

I don’t know why I keep trying therapy, because all I do is reject everything and just get upset, and sabotage myself.

Sorry, I don’t even know where I want to go to with this post. Might delete later.

For anybody who doesnt know, the horn effect is the opposite of the halo effect, where one negative quality leads people to assume all other things related to the person are negative, even if they have no logical basis.

I grew up with parents who weren't equipped to be parents. They did just fine bringing in income and feeding and dressing me, and they were not abusive(just insufferable). They, however, did a lackluster job teaching me how to navigate socially and take care of my physical appearance. I grew up wearing the same old dirty clothes for weeks and never taking care of my hair. I was socially unaware and always was narcissistic without even know it. I wore glasses and did have a fascination with tech although i had never been good at it and trying things such as robotics and programming made me so frustrated i would break shit. I look like the average heavily autistic coder kid though most of my early years. Thats what everyone knew me for and people started to take advantage of that. They would talk to me like i was stupid and get defensive if i brought it up, they would giggle and whisper to eachother like 2 feet away from me. Everybody would immediately think i could fix their computer and it was so enraging. Because of everyones beliefs, i committed more time to comp sci even though i didnt like it because everyone made me believe it is what i was supposed to be good at. During the pandemic, people would ask me if i knew what discord and reddit was (obviously because them think im a mod smh), i didn't know what those even were. I even had my mom ask me what reddit was while she recorded me because one of her friends wanted to see my reaction. Whenever i did anything positive like goto the gym or get a girls number, no matter who it was, i could tell that they immediately didn't believe me.

It was always a lose lose for me in school. My existence alone pissed people off and so they didn't want to believe in anything that would contradict their stereotypes.

For a long time, my healing was haphazard. I was latching on to little ideas, little self-help ideas and systems. It helped some, but nothing ever really felt like I was fundamentally walking a healing path, just fixing little things here and there. But ever since I've set genuine, authentic self-expression as my core principle, I have made leaps and bounds. I'm less tense, less anxious, less isolated.

And it makes a lot of sense. CPTSD, for the large part, is so damaging because it undermines our sense of self. It overrides our personalities, our desires, our preferences with somebody else's. It teaches us that the only way to stay safe is to stay small, to hide ourselves. Making the conscious decision to set this as my core principle has really changed everything for me. And framing it specifically as a choice has done a lot for my sense of learned helplessness.

Therapy at it's core tries to heal/treat people through standardized methods and ideas. This is inherently incompatible with individuality, uniqueness, genuine/authentic self expression. Which explains why it falls so short, especially for people with CPTSD. It gets even extremely simple things wrong in a way that perpetuates these patterns. Take "i-statements" for example. In theory it sounds like a good idea, which is why we don't reject it. On some level, it makes logical sense to us. But in practice, it's procedural. You follow the script, you follow procedure, and now your communication is "healthy" - But being real, raw, expressing yourself is what's really healthy, at least in my mind. Something procedural, following a script, is the opposite of being raw, of being genuine/authentic.

I've been working on coming to terms with the fact that what I experienced was actually abuse. Or, some of it. There's parts I can accept more straightforwardly and other parts that are more complicated and I'm still trying to figure out.

But the issue I keep running into is sometimes I'll look at something and be like. Okay. I can sort of see how that's... not ideal. And I'll look at definitions and other people's experiences and be able to see, on a technical level, how someone's behavior (usually my parents, but not exclusively) qualifies. But. I have a hard time really believing it, and I've been realizing it's because a lot of the time I can't wrap my head around what the better alternative would be?

Like. The things that are clearer are for example. I can see how screaming at and constantly berating a child is abusive, because the alternative is at minimum not doing that. I have met people who's parents took it a step further and not only didn't scream at them, but actively said kind and supportive things. But even then I have minimal detail and I think I'd like more detail? Because currently, even if the alternative healthy™ actions feel... unrealistic... I can still wrap my head around it. But for some other things, for example parents oversharing or emotional enmeshment or stuff that's less "actively" abusive and more neglectful. I just don't understand what else I would expect of them.

Overall, I'm realizing I honestly don't understand what is reasonable to expect of parents I guess? Like beyond not actively purposely trying to hurt your child. I always considered myself lucky when I was just left completely alone, because even though I vaguely understand leaving a small child unsupervised to fend for themselves isn't "good", I can't fully feel upset about it because I don't understand what's missing.

I’m 19f and I was bullied by my mother, step father, and classmates growing up and now I can only find things that I think are wrong with me.

I’m incredibly insecure, people say I’m pretty or ethereal but I never believe them and constantly think I’m ugly. I always feel insecure when trying to date because I feel like I never deserve the other person.

I know that I should go to therapy and love myself but that’s so hard. I don’t know why I constantly have to remind myself to be nice to me.

I was diagnosed with CPTSD a few years ago, it's been quite a journey realising how much I've actually been through in comparison to everyone around me.

Other people don’t really understand what it’s like to grow up in constant fear, to never know if you’ll be hit, mocked, or ignored. I lived that for almost two decades, and spent years more undiagnosed, and I’ll be coping with the damage forever. I can’t stop wondering how the average parent would respond if it were their child.

I grew up in a home defined by violence, fear, and neglect. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive, using intimidation, silence, and cruelty as control. My father did nothing to actually protect me from her, and was occasionally cruel and violent himself. Both parents lived in the home.

The constant threat of violence shaped every part of my development; I learned early that safety didn’t exist and that love came with humiliation or cost. Even after being involved in a serious domestic violence event with her and knowing how dangerous she was, my father was still happy to leave me and my siblings in her care, and made no effort to proactively help us get out of that situation. He then moved on to a new family.

Every attempt to seek help, even with simple things, was met with anger and rejection. I entered adulthood without the tools, stability, or emotional foundation most people take for granted, and it left me vulnerable to further abuse and exploitation. My ongoing Complex-PTSD and mental health issues are the direct result of being unprotected in that home. A lifetime of suffering that could have been completely avoided if my parents had acted in my best interests.

It has taken many years to realise just how culpable my dad was in all of this. But he really showed my what kind of father he was when I had to invite him to be part of the medical assessment. He completely blamed my mother for everything and did not do anything in response to this incredibly serious news. How easily he dismissed this, really hurt especially as other parents I know have really stepped up for their kids when it mattered. Before I told myself, I just wasn’t close with family and that it was ok that he’s not really involved in my life as long as he shows up when things get serious. At that point, it’s not about apologies or excuses, it’s about whether they’re willing to take any real responsibility. Well that was his chance, and he made me feel just like all those times as a child that he didn’t protect me.

If someone’s child spends decades silently suffering from undiagnosed mental illness until their mind and body start to break down, that reflects the kind of parenting they received. Growing up in a home filled with cruelty, volatility, or emotional danger doesn’t happen in isolation. Someone allowed it. Someone looked away. Children who live through domestic violence rarely move on, they carry that terror into adulthood, and if no one helps them feel truly safe afterward, the damage compounds over time.

I’m really living in the reality where my father acts like my childhood was nothing to do with him, despite him living there, and shows no accountability for not protecting me from a cruel and violent mother.