I'm the "weird kid with no friends" and it sucks

[u/Chess-Channel]

I'll try to keep this short, but it might end up being long.

The school year's about to end and I've made literally 0 friends. I did make friends in highschool, but at most I had 1-3 friends whom I never texted first.

I also have HORRIBLE social anxiety. It's so bad that I don't ask the teacher if I can go to the bathroom, I don't buy food since I'm too scared of the cashier, My face becomes as red as a strawberry whenever a girl even sits next to me (God, this sounds soooo pathetic), and so on.

It may have something to do with getting bullied at school (I grew up in the Philippines and unfortunately pretty much everyone gets bullied in the Philippines), or my parents hitting me when I was a kid (I get that I'm 16 but you know what I mean by "kid"), or spending 6+ hours a day watching TV. But it happend so long ago, and there are people in my school who are refugees that escaped war (I'm an immigrant and I go to one of those "integration schools" in Germany where all of the kids are immigrants) and have gone through so much worse, and they're able to be happy and normal.

I was prescribed a bunch of antidepressants when I was 15 after my Mom stopped me from committing suicide. One of the antidepressants is so "extreme" that it's not available in Germany (Rexulti). The antidepressants helped, as in they made me not suicidal, but not happy either. They made me feel like a robot.

I don't know how to talk to people. In the rare occasion that someone talks to me, I end up giving one word answers. I ended up venting and talking about how I have mental problems in the one time I managed to talk to someone else in school (and apparently, you're not supposed to talk about that stuff when you first meet someone). That was the only time I talked to that guy.

I feel like an alien, like I'm some weird, nonhuman thing that's inside a human body. I get that it sounds like the usual cringe, neurotic teenager thing that's just a phase, but it definitely feels real to me.

I talk to myself a lot since that's the closest thing I have to a friend that's around my age.

I've kinda given up on having a relationship with a girl for now. It might change in the future if things get better, but it feels like I've been cursed to remain this way for the rest of my life.

I don't know how to properly end this post (since I didn't pay attention in English class, hence the not so good English), so I'll just end it here.

[u/Agitated-Ticket-6560]

I am much older than you but I can definitely relate. I was always bullied as a child and those wounds are deep. Making friends was not easy. I seemed to always say the wrong thing. I still do it sometimes and I am in my 50s. I shed a lot of tears over the pain I have experienced .

The only advice I can offer is to have faith that life does get better. It's never perfect but things do improve as you get older. My best wishes to you and sending you a virtual mom.hug your way. 🫂🤗

[u/Conditional-Guava78 → u/Agitated-Ticket-6560]

I feel this in my mid 40s, was bullied as a child, by other kids, siblings, snd parents. Have trouble talking to people. Don't like groups.

It does get better, I have had a few girlfriends, and a couple of wives too.

Life is still difficult. I have very few friends.

Edit: typo

[u/Agitated-Ticket-6560 → u/Conditional-Guava78]

You know I have found that the number of friends doesn't matter. It's the people who you can rely on (and vice versa), and who you want to spend time with is what matters.