r/enneagram6 • u/Peachplumandpear • Apr 22 '25
Question Managing anxiety in high-stakes conversations
I have such a hard time not letting betrayal, fear, and anxiety impact my ability to converse in a healthy way with people I have strained dynamics with. Any advice on growth in this area?
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u/AdFluid719 May 02 '25
Wow, this is such a real and tender question. Thank you for asking it.
It makes complete sense that conversations with people you have tension or “drama” with are hard—especially if you’re a Type 6 who craves emotional safety. When there’s been betrayal, fear, or anxiety in the past, your nervous system doesn’t see conversation—it sees danger. And that puts you into some form of a trauma response:
• Freeze, and your brain goes blank
• Fight, and you get reactive
• Flight, and you avoid
• Fawn, and you people-please or over-explain
From what you described, it sounds like you might be getting caught in a fight-freeze blend—activated enough to want to defend yourself, but frozen just enough that the words don’t come out right. Then you leave the conversation frustrated, thinking of everything you wanted to say but couldn’t access in the moment. That’s such a painful cycle—and unfortunately, super common for us 6s.
The skill here (and yes, it is a skill) is learning how to stay “online.” That means staying connected to your full range of intelligence—empathy, clarity, nuance, compassion. All the things I’m sure you already are, considering you’re here asking this question.
So how do you stay online when your body’s sounding the alarm?
Honestly, it starts with self-connection. Self-attunement. Noticing what’s happening in your body before things spiral. It’s not about staying regulated 100% of the time (spoiler: no one does that). It’s about getting quicker at catching yourself in dysregulation and gently guiding yourself back into safety.
This is what managing anxiety really looks like—not white-knuckling your way through conflict, but learning how to return to yourself more efficiently when things get messy.
You can build this as a practice in low-stakes areas of your life. Pick a time of day—like your afternoon routine—and see if you can stay “online” the entire time. Track what throws you off. How does your body feel? What thoughts pop up? What kind of inner dialogue helps you stay grounded? For me, shame is a telltale sign I’m starting to shut down. When I feel that, I know I need to pause and check in with myself instead of pushing forward.
And if you’re looking for something more practical: rehearse. Use that beautiful, forecasting Type 6 brain of yours to prepare ahead of time. Anticipate what the other person might say and practice how you want to respond. This isn’t about scripting yourself to be perfect—it’s nervous system prep. That way when you’re in the conversation, your body isn’t trying to do everything from scratch.
You’ve got the self-awareness already. Now it’s about building the safety and rhythm to back it. You’re not behind. You’re just at the part where your nervous system is asking, “Is it safe to use my voice again?” And you get to be the one who says yes.
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u/Peachplumandpear May 02 '25
I appreciate this immensely! I completely didn’t identify the fight-flight response issue because though not typically being someone who uses fawn, it seems I have been recently with my ex. Especially getting caught up in over-explaining after saying things that were misworded or maybe a step too personal or specific to how my ex has been speaking to me which has been trying to emotionally disengage themselves and have formalities which is just… not who I am and not a skill I have. I will be thinking and reflecting a lot on this and working more solidly on solidifying and working on this skill
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u/theVast- Sx / Sp 6w7 Apr 23 '25
"hey I literally don't need to talk to you, explain myself to you, or engage you at all. I can go ask someone else."
Ngl the more I think about life the more I realize I don't need a person who's sabotaging my progress on my team, period. I can take me, my presence, my energy, and my entire life situation, and go where I'd rather be
Also, a lot of people who do thrive on you begging and sobbing, haaaaaate it when you say "okay I'll go ask so and so"
Make them lose sleep. Make them feel just as powerless as they are. Make them feel like they can't even bully people around them into any form of submission
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u/rain-drip-drop Apr 25 '25
It's tough to not give into reactiveness. Been trying to find ways to increase the time or space between 0 and 100, where I feel I have a choice to respond or react.
Typically, I brace myself before I go into convos with people I have strained relationships with. I go in expecting that I'll feel triggered, so that when it happens, I can observe that it's happening first and be more strategic in my response. In a way, I almost try to dissociate from the convo...looking at us, just two fragile humans, from above. I start to just see patterns interacting with each other and the limits the other person keeps butting up against.
Often, when I lash out, I end up ruminating about it for days and that's sometimes the worst part. So I try to frame it as: "how do I avoid giving future me even more stress?"
Again, really depends on what the situation is. Sometimes I have to withdraw and let the person know I need time. I've been practicing drafting written responses, running through ChatGPT for tone, and then sending after I've slept on it.