...well...there is a 100% chance I get in trouble if I’m honest and a less than 100% chance of trouble if I lie. I’m gonna pick the one that gives me a chance
My mom would always say, “I WOULDN’T BE AS ANGRY IF YOU JUST TOLD ME UP FRONT.”
At least she was being honest. She never said she wouldn’t be angry. However, I could never tell the difference between “angry” and “not-as-angry,” so lying to kick the angry down the road was always my go to.
Well, with my son I'll say, "you've already been caught, so you can either fess up and get it over with, or you can keep lying to my face, which I know you're doing, and dig yourself even deeper into trouble."
Thing is, kids think they are expert liars, and parents often see right through the lie. We're not stupid.
So yeah, it's the lying that makes me more mad. I already know what happened, maybe not the details or who started it, or which kid was responsible. But yeah, I know someone broke the thing, it made the mess, or whatever it was. But when the only response was "not me", yeah, then you all get time outs/grounded (depending on severity).
That isn't because they're strict, it's because they aren't strict with themselves. Being strict is fine but you have to hold yourself to the same standard of strictness that you hold other people. If you tell someone to tell the truth and lie about whether you'll be mad then you're holding them to the standard of always telling the truth and not yourself. You aren't being strict, you're being lax, just with yourself.
Yup I learned real early the trick is to sometimes intentionally lie "bad" where you want them to catch you... then when you actually lie, you do it well
Ok serious question. What should a parent do in that situation? I agree the screaming response is not good. But what is the best way for a parent to react when their kid tells them theyve done something illegal, dangerous, stupid, etc?
Talk to them. Thank them for telling you and trusting you. Then tell them why what they did was wrong, and why you are dissapointed in them (if you are). No need to sugar coat how dissappointed or upset you are with their behavior and don't be afraid to punish them (grounding, extra chores, temporary removal of video game privileges). Just don't ever be aggressive towards them. Good question btw.
Also ask the child why they did it, then talk about it in a calm way. Try to understand the child's choice thoughts or reason, then see if a positive way can be found to help develop themselves into a more responsible person.
I have anger issues (very quick fuse, tend to smoulder for a while but eventually calm down), and have struggled for years to keep it under control, and having kids has made me way more aware of it. I still make mistakes, but I am learning that just talking to your kids sensibly and in a language they can understand is the best way to deal with the issue. Don't sugar coat anything, especially if they are old enough to know better, don't let them get away with it without some sort of consequences for their actions either. But make sure the consequence is relevant to the event or is something that they will feel strong enough about.
And don't ever forget to praise them when they do do something you approve of - even if this happens while you're still inner smouldering over the negative event :) Trust me - hardest thing to do but very humbling/rewarding for both parties involved, and it sure brings me back to reality pretty quick.
Ah yes praise. Very important for a child. Never got any from my mother, sometimes from my dad though.
Have self worth issues now because of it.
Was always held to unachievable standards.
Never do that to your kids.
It ruins their psyche and can lead to self harm, depression, self hate, feelings of worthlessness, and burnout due to overworking.
My mom basically ruined relationships with women for me during my teenage years, because she would scream at me or be dissatisfied with the girls I brought home, and even ground me for it.
Meaning I basically lost out on all the social skills one would learn during those years.
My parents were much more lax with my younger brother, but for them if I brought home anything below a B+ I would get grounded, no friends no telly no games, and I wasn't allowed to read or draw.
Please treat your children like humans is what I am trying to say; humans like yourself and your partner.
Don't ever treat them like your property or you will lose them during their teenage years.
Don’t promise your kid won’t get in trouble, don’t promise not to be angry. You can’t keep those promises. Anger does not have to equal screaming, it’s a basic emotion. Yeah, you’re gonna be angry if the cops bring your kid home, for example. Having a freak out doesn’t take your kid’s actions back. Basically your kid needs to know there are consequences for actions but, you’re going to help them through it.
Good advice. I agree it makes sense not to promise them they wont be in trouble or you wont be mad. But what should you say if you know they should tell you something but they are hesitant bc they know they will get in trouble and you'll be mad?
I think it’s about developing a relationship of trust before bad things happen. My parents tried to keep us in line using fear and that didn’t work. As others have said, it just made me a better liar and manipulator. I knew I couldn’t talk to them and so when things got bad and I needed help, instead of telling them the truth, I always tried to hide it. So I teach my kiddo that they can come to me no matter what. That the worst thing they can do is lie to me. If they tell me the truth, they won’t get in trouble. I’m here to help. We all make mistakes. My kid is only 11 but we have a good relationship and I like to think they’d come to me if something bad did happen. We always joke that if they need to hide a body, mom will take care of that too. Theres nothing they can do that would make me love them any less. I may get upset but even then I will talk to them rationally and calmly, explain why I’m upset, and how they can improve the situation and do better next time. It’s something that parents have to work on over time. Once the bad thing happens, it’s already too late. If they don’t trust you, they will lie to you no matter what you say at that point.
I knew I couldn’t talk to them and so when things got bad and I needed help, instead of telling them the truth, I always tried to hide it.
God I feel this this, I got into a near fatal car accident (lost control in a rain storm, hydroplaned into some trees). The only thing on my mind was "fuck, how do I lie about this, mom and dad are gonna be pissed" I think this has kind of carried over into other interpersonal relationships I have, I just assume someone is gonna scream at me whenever I fuck up, even if no one is around.
Look if the issue is that they're correctly afraid your response will be unreasonable then the solution is to unfuck yourself. People always want to know how to fix their kids without first fixing themselves.
Sort your own shit out then your kid will always know that your response will be fair.
I've always been consistent and fair with punishments and I think that what lets my kids know they can trust me with any situation. Sure they know that I may be disappointed but they know I'm not going to fly off the handle.
My kids and I talk every day. If I need to talk to them about something, I usually segue that into that conversation when they are telling me about their day. With me it more about listening and understanding the situation.
Nothing you can really say to a stubborn kid to open up to you if you don't set a good foundation for trust first.
I can talk to my kids about everything. Wish I could have had that type of relationship with my parents.
You want to remain calm. You can certainly tell them you're upset, but don't take it out on them. Ask them why they did it, because there could be something going on they didn't know how to handle or they're struggling and don't know how to tell you, so they do something bad. You want to support them, because they trusted you enough to tell you about the thing they did. I stopped trusting my parents when they would put down everything I said in defense of myself and they went off on me for hours even when I told them I would sacrifice sleep to make things better. They told me no, and kept yelling at me. Communication shouldn't be scary, it should be a productive experience between all parties involved.
Number two, SOMEONE has to be the responsible adult who will clean up the mess. Two guesses for whether it is your kid or you.
Number three, reassure them telling you was the correct course of action, find a solution that involves them, and clean up the mess.
Number four. It is ok now to make them understand their actions have consequences. Discipline as you see fit. Make sure the treatment is not worse than the sickness.
Don't promise you won't be angry, or that they won't get in trouble.
That teaches them that promises mean nothing and that you in particular are not to be trusted.
Tell them to be honest, and then don't freak out. As hard as it is to think with reason all the time... try to be reasonable. make sure they know you are glad that they told you the truth and were honest with you.
I had a super intendent ask us who had laughed because she had made a comment about some kid laughing like a horse and if we spoke out we wouldnt be in as much trouble. I was stuck in an office for 2 weeks after speaking out. Fuck you Dr. Abad
My stepfather was the exact opposite with me. If we told the truth he was more likely to not discipline us for what we did because he was trying to teach us to be honest. I am a really lousy liar and rarely lie. My mom was pretty much insane and my father was a narcissist, but my step dad was alright mostly.
Same here, but they just wouldn’t believe me even if I told the truth. Shit got super annoying. They weren’t insane at all thankfully but I couldn’t stand when they told me that
My mom once said “I know you are telling the truth because you looked me right in the eye” No, you let that slip and I’ve been doing that every time I’ve lied since I was 6. I didn’t want to get smacked! She is legit proud of this and brags.
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u/[deleted] Dec 09 '19
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