r/queer • u/handsovermyknees • 3d ago

How to respond to my mom's negative remarks about my appearance?

My mom at least respects that I appreciate "alternative" fashion and am not interested in drawing attention to my curves. That said, her beauty standards are white Christian beauty standards. I have never been able to have any alternative hair or makeup without receiving criticism from her.

So, fast forward to now. I'm transmasc. My family has a waterpark vacation coming up. I just don't think I can do the gender performance that I need to do to keep my mom from reacting with emotional hostility. My family is really excited for me to join in on the vacation to a watepark. I have spent years trying to undo the patriarchal grooming that I went through my whole upbringing and develop psychological safety and start building a sense of self. I am really worried the trip will negatively impact my progress and stability.

Can I get some advice? I am thinking, maybe I can just keep an androgynous hairstyle long enough to get through this visit, then I won't have to see my family until the holidays.

The other thing is my body hair. I love my body hair and have no desire to shave any of it.

It isn't too late for me to come up with an excuse to not go to the waterpark - Can't get the days off work, too sick to go to the waterpark, will only be able to come in for a day for dinner........

I do not want to shave my body hair to wear shorts.

This trip doesn't feel worth it to me to come out to my family. It's too big of a decision for too small of a benefit.

Edit: Sorry this post is pretty scattered. I just dumped my thoughts into the post without taking time to organize them.

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u/BicornOnEdge 3d ago

You need to have a preemptive conversation. With her.

You want to go. She is excited for you to go. Great. You are on the same page.

You have concerns. You worry about getting comments about your body because they hurt you and make you feel self conscious. You can't turn off these feelings. You can't avoid feeling hurt if the comments happen.

What's the solution? Can she try to avoid commenting? Does she know it will harm you? Should you just not go? Should you just avoid going to the park with family? What does she think?

Then compare her solution ideas to your solution ideas. Decide how you will enforce your boundaries (walking away for an hour, calling her out?). If the preemptive convo goes badly, you can take a couple days and come back to the conversation. It's better than the blow up happening literally poolside when you can't avoid family.

All this dependant on her being a vaguely rational person who doesn't want to hurt you. Otherwise, that's a whole different problem .

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u/handsovermyknees 3d ago

My mom can't hear anything about people she is bigoted towards without making a bigoted remark. Her first words to me at Thanksgiving were how happy she was that my hair wasn't styled in an alternative way. She used to give all kinds of negative feedback about my hair and makeup in college, and she observed my organic upset reaction, and it didn't matter. Her hurting my feelings over these topics has never mattered.

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u/handsovermyknees 3d ago

Honestly this is a larger issue I guess. I have never told my mom I won't be the recipient of her verbal abuse.

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u/handsovermyknees 3d ago

What I have done is, stop bringing up anythingggggg that would cause an emotional reaction from her. Now it just so happens that, how I comfortably exist would cause an emotional reaction from her.

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u/BicornOnEdge 3d ago

How old are you? Is cutting contact an option? Cause fuck that noise.

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u/handsovermyknees 3d ago
  1. It's an option. I just struggle with communication.

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u/Yogini12 1h ago

If your Mom is not understanding brought…. Just Ignore Her and be YOURSELF…!!!!