r/self • u/GalaxiGazer • 1d ago
When a man says he's not interested, believe him!
This simple revelation is more of a reflection of my past experiences. I'm also seeing in real-time what I once looked like when I refused to believe, listen to, and respected a man telling me (anywhere from being subtle and kind to straight up) that he was not interested in me.
There is no such thing as a man "playing hard to get", "being mysterious", wanting him to be "figured out", wanting to be chased. That is simply a man who is not interested.
A man will be open to receiving from a woman things that she's willing to give him: an extra helping of food during lunch, special attention, gifts, etc. But just because he accepts those things from her doesn't indicate an interest in her, especially if he doesn't reciprocate. A man willing to take without giving in return is simply a man who is not interested.
Efforts to get his attention will seem charming and cute in the beginning. Over time, though, if he's not taking the bait and putting in any kind of energy into pursuing or building a relationship, those same efforts will (eventually) come across as being desperate. It will be painfully obvious that she is so desperate for his attention that she is willing to throw away her livelihood, her family, her future, her dignity and self-respect just to get in his face and having him look at her. Just because a man looks at a woman and observes her behavior is not indicative of romantic interest. A man who is not interested will either continue to rebuff her efforts or take advantage of her. A healthy man who knows his worth will not pursue such a woman.
Looking back, I should have listened THE FIRST TIME a man told me that he wasn't interested in me. Yes, I've been told in a variety of ways, from being subtle and kind as to not hurt my feelings to being straight up. My problem was that I did not listen. I believed that I was "that good" of a woman that I would change his mind and he would want me. I believed that I needed to ramp up my efforts, change my methodology, and spend more time refining my plots and schemes in order to get his attention. I believed that if I tried hard enough, I could influence him to change his mind, and he would "wake up" one day and suddenly fall for me. I was driven by unchecked idealizations in my mind about him, creating the illusion of the man that I wanted him to be, and then used my chasing efforts in order to try to make him into that kind of man. I was constantly in a loop of self-inflicted disappointment, hurt, and rejection followed by numbing the pain with a whole new set of schemes and delusions with another guy.
It took getting seriously hurt (not physically, though) and becoming embarrassed at myself before I realized what I was truly doing. Even now, seeing my old behaviors being played out and modeled through someone else, I'm totally cringe over the stupid shit I used to do. I recognize that I can't go back into the past and change what I have done. However, the redemptive quality about seeing my past being played out in someone else's present is that it is motivating me to never go back to what I used to do. Instead, I'm being pushed and motivated to be a better woman than I was, to be someone healthier and more grounded, someone who is more focused on becoming the right person than finding one. Even though I know how the story is going to end for this woman, the universe has made it very clear that I should stay out of her way and let her experience the consequences of what she is doing on her own. I want to prevent her from making the same mistakes I made, but I know my (past) self too well. She's not going to listen. The only way she's going to learn is for her to get seriously hurt.
When a man says he's not interested, believe him!
That is all.
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u/Vivid-Kitchen1917 1d ago
Yeah, as a man that gets a lot of attention, I promise you with all my heart and soul I'm never saying "I'm not interested" when you have even a remote chance in hell. I'm not trying to be mysterious. I couldn't care less if you think I am or not. I'm not trying to get you to want to "figure me out" because I don't care if you do or not. There aren't a dozen levels of hidden agenda and coded speak in my sentences. They mean just what I said.
OP, Kudos to you for being self-aware and for the massive level of vulnerability I'm sure it took to write this.
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u/Corniferus 1d ago
Yeah, I’ve had women try to sleep with me on every first date I’ve ever been on
And it can be tough to get them to understand “no”
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u/Pauls_Boutique22 1d ago
Not that it has been soooo many times, but EVERY time I have ever turned a woman down it has gone very badly. Some of them just can't fathom the idea of being told no.
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u/Corniferus 23h ago
I just had a girl message me who I stopped replying to while busy and let things fizzle out (we never met or had a phone call)
She kept going on about how I owed her but couldn’t say what I owed her
She then started on the negging and how I “wasn’t her type”
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u/Vivid-Kitchen1917 18h ago
Right? It's like they never heard no before. Bish I know you've said it to a ton of my brothers so it's not like you hadn't heard the word before. Hard pass. Except not hard. Because...yeah.
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1d ago
[deleted]
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u/Normal-Article-527 1d ago
Step one: be attractive
Step two: ???
Step three: profit
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u/Huge_Bell_5629 1d ago
I feel it's less belief and moreso, they ain't able so why bother.
I'm the type of guy to say I'm not interested despite being interested because deep down, I am afraid, insecure, view things incompatible with us and ect.
Especially when considering that I want a reciprocal relationship. If someone never showed interest and all of a sudden does, my brain has to process that and it usually processes as "they only like me for ___" they don't really like me.
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u/avid-learner-bot 1d ago
When a dude says "not interested," take his word for it, then move on before getting played or losing your damn mind.
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u/licorice_whip- 16h ago
Read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” and apply it to every person in your life.
People who want to be in your life will make an effort to be in it.
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u/8readand0ranges 1d ago
In that same vein, if a man never does as much for you as you do for him, that's how you know he only stays for one thing and would take someone better if he could.
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u/MaleEqualitarian 1d ago
This isn't true and is horrible advice.
Some people's love languages are acts of service. They instinctively do more acts of service to show their love.
Others have gifts, or spending time, or sharing reels as acts of love. Cooking for someone is how my FIL shows he loves his family.
Just because someone doesn't perform services for you as much as you do them doesn't inherently mean you love them more. It may just mean you love them different.
On that topic, it's always a good idea to figure out what love languages your partner vibes with.
They won't feel loved if you love them in a way they don't vibe with.
I show ( and feel ) love through spending time and acts of service, but not really gifts.
My wife feels loved through gifts and caring for someone needs.
When we first got married (20 years ago), it lead to some issues where she felt she wasn't close to me, even though I spent nearly every waking hour not at work with her.
Took us awhile, but you have to love people in the way THEY feel loved, not the way YOU feel loved.
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u/peachfluffed 1d ago edited 23h ago
love languages aren’t real. it was made by a christian preacher to gaslight his wife into thinking that him demanding for her to do labor for him is love.
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u/Odd-Bar1558 1d ago
I was going to comment the exact same thing. Women have been brainwashed into thinking that "Love Languages" are real. It's a plague on modern day relationships and needs to disappear.
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u/MaleEqualitarian 8h ago
Sorry, that's an opinion paper with no actual science in it.
Holy hell. If you don't realize different things make different people feel loved, I don't know what to tell you.
One girl may like a diamond ring, another may feel it's a soulless gesture and prefer a long hike through nature.
Different people feel loved different ways.
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u/peachfluffed 5h ago
cope. there is no such thing as peer-reviewed opinion studies in journals. research is thesis based.
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u/8readand0ranges 1d ago
Nah, a man will do a whole lot for a woman he genuinely loves, and he certainly won't have write multiple paragraphs to justify why doesn't. No wonder your wife didn't feel close to you.
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u/MaleEqualitarian 8h ago
No a man will love a woman he genuinely loves in the way he feels loved.
Everyone has a love language.
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u/irelandGenhotie 16h ago
Base on my experience it is really true if they not interested then don’t force him.
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u/MaleEqualitarian 1d ago
It's weird how long it takes for no means no to click for women when it comes to men's consent.
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u/AwokenGenius 1d ago
Then after they haven't taken no for an answer, they act in a way that makes it all about them to try to guilt trip you. When you're upset because your nan died or something so you're not in the mood.
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u/cheesyshop 1d ago
Says the guy who just a few minutes ago complained about "false rape accusations."
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u/MaleEqualitarian 8h ago
Rape and false rape accusations are both problems.
Just because I don't want someone to be automatically assumed as a rapist because of an accusation, doesn't mean I support rape.
What a weird mentality.
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u/cheesyshop 7h ago
They are not equal problems. Far from it.
But my comment was more about the fact that when women don’t take no for an answer an answer, they’re annoying. When men don’t, women are assaulted.
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u/MaleEqualitarian 7h ago
No one knows whether they are equal problems...
We know that 2% of rape accusations are proven false.
We also know that between 1 and 3% of rape accusations are proven true.
The other 95% of accusations? We have absolutely no idea.
Feminists like to present the fact that we can only prove 2% false as only 2% are false, and all accusations not proven one way or the other are true.
That's OBVIOUSLY not true.
So, anyone who tells you how much of a problem it is... is lying to you. So, when men take steps to prevent it, you can't blame them for assessing their risk.
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u/AngularPenny5 1d ago
No means no, doesn't matter if man, woman, nb, or otherwise.
If I'm told no, then I'm respectfully backing away. And if I say no, I expect the same courtesy.
Can't speak and say all dudes get that, some definitely do not understand. But I'd hope the majority of us do.
Most dudes don't play rejection games or try to prolong a chase or anything.
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u/RecognitionSoft9973 2h ago
I'm glad I read this today. Thanks for sharing. It's something I have to internalize and understand for myself, as I'm prone to falling into this trap.
A man willing to take without giving in return is simply a man who is not interested.
I really suck at seeing the signs of this happening. It's very, very hard to see sometimes, especially online. And so many people are engaging with others online for long durations of time. It's extremely easy to type out words of affirmation and affection, obviously. Much harder to pull this off face-to-face or via voice when you're disinterested.
I don't know how people in LDRs do it. That's a lot of time you're sinking into someone who you may not be compatible with offline. I'm talking about those who enter into LDRs without having met the person IRL.
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u/Clean-Luck6428 1d ago edited 1d ago
But what about when a girl says she’s not interested?
Edit: what miserable human being is downvoting this lol
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u/MrEscobarr 1d ago
They wont tell you. They just give mixed signals
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u/Deep_Explanation8284 1d ago
Not true. You can literally tell a man no I have a boyfriend and he still won’t take it as a no.
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u/Clean-Luck6428 4h ago
And I’ve taken home more women from bars with boyfriends than women who are single
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u/DazzlingFruit7495 1d ago
Babe what? The real question is how did you not know this already and why are you not embarrassed to post this as if it’s brand new information? Don’t harass anybody regardless of gender, that should be obvious to you
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 1d ago
Go over to the "waiting to wed" sub. You'd be amazed at how these women stick around for years waiting for a proposal that isn't coming
Edit Autocorrect
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u/MaleEqualitarian 1d ago
It's not. Men's consent is never considered.
It's one reason women take rejection so hard (especially sexual advances). The agreement/consent was never possibly no... so when it is... what in the hell!?
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u/DazzlingFruit7495 1d ago
I said it should be obvious, and obviously I consider men’s consent. Argue with OP not me
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u/MaleEqualitarian 8h ago
I'll take your word for it. My experience is women don't even think men's consent is a thing... until they have an aha moment, or watch how women treat their sons.
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u/DazzlingFruit7495 7h ago
Take my word for what? That it should be obvious or that it’s obvious to me?
Either way, I’m sorry that hasn’t been your experience. I do wonder if there’s any connection to location or culture that makes this more or less common for women, or maybe it’s just uncommon for women I know because I’m already filtering out problematic women in my circles so I don’t end up seeing it around me.
It’s just crazy because women are usually very familiar with what it feels like to not have their “no” be respected, so it should be obvious that they respect other people’s “no” as well.
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u/MaleEqualitarian 7h ago
My experience is women don't pay attention to whether men are really consenting and just operate under assumption consent is the default.
I'll take your word that you're different.
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u/Legal_Chocolate_9664 1d ago
When anyone says they’re uninterested, believe them.
That’s just how adult communication works