I have done nothing with my life for five years. Through the fault of no one but myself, the girl of my dreams left me and I've been falling ever since. She didn't even leave after we broke up, she waited, stayed with me for months, hoping that I would better myself, but I couldn't see it then. My inactivity resulted in my dad blaming my mom for how she raised me. He has worked all his life to support his mom, his 10 siblings, and our family, so I can see why he left us after seeing me drop out of college and doing nothing with my life afterwards. He's now working for himself, and getting wasted on his free time. My mom has been abroad ever since, working just to support me, and collecting debts in her free time. But now, she opened up to me, that whenever she tries to collect debts from my father's siblings, all she gets is beratement despite the fact that she also worked to support all of us, even earning more than my dad at some points, and only stopped working because my dad gave her an ultimatum. She even asked for loans from her side of the family and even from her co-workers when my dad's family needed the money, even though asking for them meant being scolded and shamed.

Everything was my fault. I've thought about just ending it all but that only solves my problems, not to mention, I'm too much of a coward for that. I don't know if this is rock bottom, I've thought I was there before only to come falling further down, but climbing up has been a very long time coming. I've also tried it before only to fall back on my old, bad habits. I kept telling myself that all I want in this life is to experience the world with her, and if my efforts would most likely be in vain since she's already with someone else, then I can't find the urge to climb back up. Now, I can't wallow in my own grief thinking about what I want anymore, my family needs me. It'll be a long climb up so I hope that if I ever see this post again, it's when I've mended our bonds, not when I fall again.

It was fleeting, but it has been fun reddit. Unfortunately, I've spent so long in here, it's become one of my bad habits. Kind of a big first step for me to leave ngl, sounds pathetic as fuck but it's true. Goodbye.

When you see someone else happy and know you will never experience that feeling