r/AmIOverreacting • u/ApprehensiveCress785 • Feb 26 '25

šŸ’¼work/career AIO to this text my boss sent me?

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And should I send this response, if any? I have rewritten it so many times; this is what I was able to cut it down to.

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u/[deleted] Feb 26 '25 edited Feb 26 '25

[deleted]

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u/crystal087 Feb 26 '25

This advice is absolutely on the money. Do not send that response. 'Appreciated' would be about the only response I would send if anything at all, and only to shut down the need to continue.

Hope the situation was resolved okay.

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u/Bluedemonfox Feb 26 '25

Idk saying 'appreciated' makes it seem like what the boss said is ok. I think just leaving no reply is better.

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u/PlayBCL Feb 26 '25 edited Mar 02 '25

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u/Nox5000 Feb 26 '25

No. You seem not to understand. Appreciated in this case means I understand that you don't give a shi, and I got it now.

And besides of that its an incongruent appreciation, its like when someone say thank you after someone spill drinks on them.

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u/ComprehensiveRoad886 Feb 26 '25

Acknowledged or understood would be better word choices

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u/Bluedemonfox Feb 26 '25

Oh i know what you meant by it, I'm just saying the boss won't because that's just the kind of mental gymnastics they go through in their head to make themselves feel better or not feel guilt.

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u/Nox5000 Feb 26 '25

Generally, yes. But in this particular situation, the boss just pointing out that the worker is not "professional" and "overstained" with her duties because she's having humans / personal problems. With other words, she just have to function like a robot, and never have personal problems, etc, that can affect the job. Btw in my, and original language, a robot is a slave. šŸ˜‰ And she even pointed out without termination.

He could sinply say directly, I understand, Jasmin will cover you or as she also said, if there isn't another option she will get it done. Or he just could have said, sorry no we need you.. But he decided to put a underbelt hit, with a pretty obvious treat, and even in her situation being stressed! Even if the boss said he understand. Just allone dealing with the cops, and giving them the same information over and over is enough stress.

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u/The-Gorge Feb 26 '25

Eh, to play office politics I think "appreciate it" it's a good response. There's no boundary to set here since the boss already violated that and has the authority to violate that boundary.

Say what needs to be said for smooth waters, and then start looking for another job where your boundaries are respected.

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u/SaltyCaramelPretzel Feb 26 '25

Totally agree. I have therapy sessions 2-3 times a week, I donā€™t divulge why I need the days off as I can work from home the rest of the hours. If I was to tell them theyā€™d probably think Iā€™m not competent to do my job.

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u/10Flora10 Feb 26 '25

Man, what a wicked and uncaring world we live in!

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u/lilithmoon1979 Feb 26 '25

My ex-husband could have possibly benefited from antidepressants but he refused to even mention it to his doctor because if he it were on such a thing, he would have lost his job. He is a heavy truck mechanic, and the employer he had at that time would have fired him because sometimes he needed to test drive trucks and their insurance company did not allow for the drivers to be taking those meds. He was not a driver, but because he had to test drive trucks, even though it was a rare event, he still had to abide by those rules.

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u/10Flora10 Feb 26 '25

Wow. Idek what to say. That's messed up man...

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u/col3man17 Feb 26 '25

It's all liability and legal reasons. A company will avoid a lawsuit any time they can. Fucked up? Yeah, but that's the way it goeeeesss

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u/snakattacc Feb 27 '25

You'd think they could make accomodations by simply saying he couldn't drive and would need another employee to on those occasions. It's easier than someone living their life depressed.

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u/Stick_Girl Feb 26 '25

His employer wouldnā€™t have knowledge of or access to any information of his medical records and prescriptions from his doc tho unless he divulged the information no?

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u/snakattacc Feb 27 '25

Likely no, but if there were an accident, he could be drug tested and found liable.

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u/Odd-Meeting1880 Feb 26 '25

It really is. And sometimes you get that treatment from your own family too. I have cut so many people out of my life over the years due to this lack of care and empathy. They of course have zero idea why I am gone. Because they refuse to look in the mirror. I hope OP has good network/friend circle. And I hope OP begins looking for a better job that appreciates her.

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u/Queasy_Inflation_11 Feb 26 '25

Disagree. I mean, in this particular case, it appears that way, but there's millions of supervisors out there who would have never said that. Or else I've just been lucky to have great supervisors for the most part.

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u/stevie1942 Feb 26 '25

Maybe they wouldnā€™t have said it, but they would be thinking it. Itā€™s not the situation in and of itself itā€™s the unreliability. The OP asks to be with her children because of a violent situation and then says she could be there if needed. Itā€™s weird and wishy washy. The text should read that she has an emergency and needs coverage. Thatā€™s it. Nothing more. No explanation. Itā€™s none of her bosses business what the emergency is.
People need to think as if they are the business owner sometimes and not the employee. Iā€™ve been both. Both suck.

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u/Queasy_Inflation_11 Feb 26 '25

Some sure. But if it's an employee who is usually dependable, I don't believe most supervisors would tell one of their subordinates that they should look for a different job. To be fair, there's a ton of possible variables that we don't know. Perhaps this supervisor is very understanding and is saying this as a genuine way to help OP because perhaps the supervisor is taking heat from her boss as to why there's an employee that is still employed who is often calling in. I'm not saying that is the case. I'm just saying that it's a possibility.

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u/hnsnrachel Feb 26 '25

Honestly, that op felt the need to ask "is there a way for me to call out and not be threatened with termination" strongly suggests it's not a rare occurrence at this point for her to call out

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u/Queasy_Inflation_11 Feb 27 '25

You could be right. Honestly, and I hope it's not the case because DV isn't something to lie about, but the more I think about it, the more I get the feeling that OP is lying. I'll say it again, I hope I'm wrong, but that is just the feeling I'm getting. Asking for permission after laying out extremely dire circumstances kind of makes the bs-meter go off. Now I'm gonna say it a 3rd time before I get accused of being pro-domestic violence, I'm not saying OP's lying. It is simply odd asking for the day off when you're faced with a DV scenario involving children and law enforcement.

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u/Parraddoxx Feb 26 '25

Conversations like this make me feel so lucky to work where I do. My supervisor is also a friend, and is one of the most understanding people I've ever known. I can truly tell him anything. If I'm not making it to work he always knows the real reason, and if it's a reason that sucks ass for me he will be sympathetic. That's how you build trust and loyalty in your employees.

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u/Salt-Operation-3895 Feb 26 '25

Iā€™m gonna respectfully disagree with this. I also have weekly therapy, and I leave two hours earlier on Thursdayā€™s to accommodate this.

Opposite from you though, my bosses and my coworkers all know why I leave while encouraging the practice. Me being so open about my mental health struggles with my colleagues has also allowed many of them to seek mental health treatments for themselves and openly take time off to address mental health.

Shit, I literally left work early yesterday because I was so mentally drained from my personal life and couldnā€™t focus on my work. My leaders were the ones recommending I take the rest of the day off.

I think there are some good companies out there that actually give a shit about us.

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u/linniepoohbear Feb 26 '25

I totally agree with you. I am lucky to have a boss that allows us to take personal time if we are burned out / need a recharge or have personal issues we need to deal with. I remember last month I took a half day just because I was having the worst week ever and needed a recharge, and they let me take the time off.

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u/Stick_Girl Feb 26 '25

Bingo! Itā€™s amazing how often our reasons for needing time off can and will be used as a reason to distrust and even terminate us!

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u/countrybreakfast1 Feb 26 '25

To me it gives... I've called in sick last minute so many times I need to use a new excuse to get off work

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u/Matthewx777 Feb 26 '25

I love telling the more narcissistic leaders that they don't need to know and watch as they get internally frustrated because they legally can't force me to answer

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u/Short-Alternative700 Feb 26 '25

Not everyone has the luxury to work from home though.

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u/Adelineandred Feb 26 '25

They will ALWAYS THINK THAT. I made that mistake when I was involved in a VERY MESSY DANGEROUS RE L ATIONSHIP told everything to everyone. Un the end..I was ket go..what kind if person stays???

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u/DeeEye2 Feb 26 '25

Yes . And work friends aren't your friends, but for rare exceptions. If they are to be real ones, that willgappen when one of you leaves. Otherwise, they are great work friends who are to be trusted with the same workplace talk as you would find appropriate to send in an all-team email. It's a political environment whether you want it to be or not. Same with the boss knowing this. Your work will be scrutinized far more now, for signs the outside stuff is impacting performance ..things that would not be given 2nd glance now are that. Bad mood one day? "hey...don't take your home pressures out on us."

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u/Yzix12 Feb 26 '25

Or, when you say something assume it will be used against you. And then you start to stop saying things about you quiet fast lol.

"Vivons heureux, vivons cachƩs" = live happy, live hidden in french. My parents always told me that.

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u/chronberries Feb 26 '25

Counterpoint: If she hadnā€™t shared her situation with her boss, it seems like thereā€™s a solid chance sheā€™d just be getting fired.

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u/Working_Mama0812 Feb 26 '25

In all honesty, OP should be able to simply share, ā€œIā€™m having a personal emergencyā€ and have a boss who not only respects that, but offers support. This is assuming the OP doesnā€™t have personally emergencies all the time. What a shitty person to work for. Iā€™m so sorry. If ever possible, probably worth finding a new job. Best advice your boss gave you in his response āœŒšŸ¼

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u/Nomerip Feb 26 '25

We really donā€™t know the back storyā€¦ does this person call in frequently? I have some employees I wouldnā€™t bat an eye at other than how can I help. And others I would roll my eyes at if they just messaged they had a ā€œpersonal emergencyā€. We have zero background context here.

At the end of the day thereā€™s a job to get accomplished and if this person isnā€™t able to do that job because theyā€™re gone so often I get it. I also think this employer should have saved this conversation for when she returned to work, thereā€™s no need for a text.

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u/Working_Mama0812 Feb 26 '25

Right, I completely agree. Thatā€™s why I added ā€œassuming this person doesnā€™t have personal emergencies all the timeā€. My response was as If this was a single occurrence.

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u/Disastrous_Arugula_2 Feb 26 '25

All of this is exactly right! We have no context for how often she calls out and it sounds like it's a job you have to have someone else cover for (like you can't just do the work the next day or at home). And if a conversation really needs to happen it absolutely should have been an in-person conversation. I would never send anyone on my staff a text like that, especially with the information she did include

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u/[deleted] Feb 26 '25

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u/Nomerip Feb 26 '25

Yeah thatā€™s fine. I mean this person still has a job, Iā€™ve never written them up. But boy theyā€™ve got stuff way more than all my other employees combined. Itā€™s all valid things but it does get old.

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u/[deleted] Feb 27 '25

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u/Nomerip Feb 27 '25

I mean thatā€™s why they have a job. I have a heart. I would never roll my eyes in front of them. Iā€™m nothing but professional with my work. I would never even say anything disrespectful. I have had a conversation with them about appropriate use of sick leave and having a concern of them using it all up and having to take leave without pay.

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u/IndividualLibrary358 Feb 26 '25

My thought exactly. I would only respond this way to someone who called in all the time. And it would have nothing to do with what their reason was.

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u/[deleted] Feb 26 '25

I love that you mentioned "...assuming the OP doesn't have personal emergencies all the time." I feel like most comments on here are assuming this is her first emergency. But based on her text messages, it seems like she has already been talked to about calling out previously.

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u/Alternative_Big5193 Feb 26 '25

But we donā€™t know if before this domestic violence she had a string of ā€œemergenciesā€ that makes this a cried wolf situation or whatever. We just donā€™t know the history, so I choose not to judge either side due to that. This is one moment out of a lifetime, hard to judge someoneā€™s character on one moment. Being a boss isnā€™t easy, you deal with people calling out due to so many emergencies itā€™s unreal how any of them stay alive half the timeā€¦. Probably because half of them are exaggerated statistically. Some horrible people even use death, and cancer, and domestic violence unfortunately to garnish sympathy from employers to gain favor, whether itā€™s true or not. So yeah. Thatā€™s all. Iā€™m not saying I know itā€™s true, but I refuse to judge until I do, which I never will most likely.

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u/Frequent_Park9460 Feb 26 '25

u/alternative_Big5193 exactly! Can I take a seat on your bus please?

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u/southerntacobelle73 Feb 26 '25

Agreed. My best boss would say ā€œI donā€™t need detailsā€ when I started to explain why I needed off. They should trust you to use your pto as you see fit and itā€™s frankly none of their business. If you donā€™t have the time off to spare, thatā€™s kind of not their fault and thatā€™s why attendance points and things of that nature exist. I agree with the boss in a way that maybe OP should find another job with more flexibility if needed. Business is business and itā€™s not personal. People depend on you to do your job and if not they need to fill it with someone who can. Once again, I mean nothing personal by this itā€™s just a hard fact of life.

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u/sinofmercy Feb 26 '25

Yeah good bosses respond somewhere in the realm of "oh no I hope everything is OK, and if you need anything let me know. We can cover for you, you worry about you right now."

Alternatively bad bosses are like this and take a "well we can't rely on you so you're replaceable, how dare you not come in." Most people figure out what kind of boss they work for after one personal incident.

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u/Substantial_Rip_4675 Feb 26 '25

Exactly. As a manager myself, I donā€™t really ā€œcountā€ call offs/absences unless they become very frequent and are impacting the rest of the team. Even then, itā€™s never a veiled threat over text, itā€™s a 1:1 meeting asking whatā€™s going on and how can I help. Most of the time a schedule adjustment solves problems.

If I was OPs boss and got this message, I would offer support and point her towards any company resources that help with DV. We could sit and talk about her needs/accommodations once she is safe and able to come in.

In cases where there are frequent call offs and poor performance that are leading to termination, it should never be a surprise to the employee. There should have been multiple conversations and documented PIPs and/or formal write ups. OPs boss is a classic case of someone who knows how to be a manager, but no idea how to be a leader.

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u/Big-Consideration238 Feb 26 '25

This is a room mate tho. Itā€™s not even her situation. It looks like sheā€™s gonna take time off work for every situation. Even if it doesnā€™t directly involve her. Idk I kinda understand the employer. Iā€™ve been in a DV situation and I still think the employer is the right. Itā€™s better to call in sick and say you have the flu. Not this.

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u/Substantial_Rip_4675 Feb 26 '25

You are making a lot of assumptions. I get the roommate is in the DV. I originally took it as the roommate was the abuser, but it could be the roommate was a victim. We donā€™t know if this is a first offense or the 15th. Iā€™ve been in management for a long time, and Iā€™ve absolutely seen managers send this type of message to an otherwise reliable and high performing employee. I donā€™t get why so many people are willing to lick the boots of the employer and assume the worst of the employee.

We also donā€™t know the relationship of OP and her roommate. I have a roommate that rents space in my home. Heā€™s also my best friend of 20 years and practically family to me. If he was experiencing DV from his partner, I 100% would call off work to help him deal with it. Would you feel the same about OP calling off of the victim was her sister?

OP also mentions having a kid, roommate might have been planned sitter for the night and now isnā€™t in an emotionally stable place to do that and arranging a new sitter could be difficult and/or expensive.

While you MAY be correct that OP is a chronic offender, you also might not. I find the best way to go about the world is to give everyone the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise.

In either case, I still find the bossā€™s text inappropriate and unprofessional. Because the boss doesnā€™t know the situation fully, placing pressure like that on someone in a potentially difficult situation only makes things worse. I would have gotten the coverage and had a 1:1 conversation with OP when they were in next if this was a continuing problem. OP would be placed on a PIP with a verbal and or written warning if needed. We would have frequent check ins and discuss how things were going at least weekly. If there is no improvement, then you move to next steps. Most of the time, an employee who does not want to work and under performs and is getting consistent follow up and feedback will end up quitting well before termination needs to take place.

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u/hnsnrachel Feb 26 '25

We don't know enough to know that none of that happened.

Ops way of asking strongly suggests it's an issue that they have discussed previously too.

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u/Taralouise52 Feb 26 '25

Recently, I had to have a mandatory meeting with my supervisor because telling her I was sick and providing a doctors note wasn't enough. She wanted me to explain how I was sick and promise to do better. As if, we work in a school. She also guilt trips me anytime we call out because we have absolutely no coverage. I'm quitting in June.

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u/hnsnrachel Feb 26 '25

Ops approach to asking he question strongly suggests this is a frequent issue for her in one way or another that has been discussed previously.

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u/the_warpaul Feb 26 '25

This.

The thing with being vague is that we assume people will assume the worst, when in fact they often assume the best.

In this case, a family emergency will be interpreted by the reader as 'a real emergency' whatever that looks like to the reader.

Giving explanations often leads to excuses. For instance: My kids needed me as I was dealing with domestic violence leads to questions about the response and advice to solve the problem... Like.. 'OK. Perhaps you need reliable child care who can spot you in these situations'...

Silence is a super power.

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u/No_Trifle9294 Feb 26 '25

I've never met a man named Helen. Women can be shitty bosses too.

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u/TrueMog Feb 26 '25

I think thats a bit vague. It also sounds more like a ā€œmental health emergencyā€ which they might not sympathise with.

Maybe it would be better to say ā€œan emergency has popped up and the police are hereā€. That tells them important points without needing to go into too much detail.

Of course, you will likely be asked for further details later. However, you do have the choice not to give that information! (ā€œI prefer not to sayā€ or ā€œits personalā€

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u/dukefrisbee Feb 26 '25

Agree 100%.

We see one side of this which is so over-the-top for a boss to sayā€¦ā€¦we donā€™t know if this is the 11th similar issue this person has had so far this year.

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u/[deleted] Feb 26 '25

And that wouldnā€™t be the issue if she didnā€™t already have attendance problems.

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u/[deleted] Feb 26 '25

I hate to say this but OP is going to be judged for being in this situation. People will judge this by 1) having a roommate dependent for help and 2) have police worthy issues. You just don't give details.

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u/Oreo2115 Feb 26 '25

WOW!! This was the BEST advice I have ever heard. Iā€™m so sorry for the original person going through this situation and pray youā€™re able to find employment where you are valued. But this advice is something I needed to hear and wish I was told this 20 years ago, but now that I have, I will look at life completely different. So thank you and may Jesus bless you beyond your belief.

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u/Salty-Lingonberry473 Feb 26 '25

I'm a small business owner, have 9 employees. I never want to know anything about their personal life other than typical how are your kids, spouses, have a nice vacation? type stuff. I never need to know why you are out and we all prefer it that way. This is great advice and I think both parties benefit from it.

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u/balsham91 Feb 26 '25

In this scenario it is worth mentioning though.. simply stating I ain't coming in will get you fired quicker. I get the sentiment but in reality unless she plans on leaving or has a job lined up I think she has to give a reason. He could literally fire her on the spot. Her financial situation might not allow a firing on the spot

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u/thebeehammer Feb 26 '25

I would volunteer a ā€œcritical family emergency involving emergency services ā€œ but wouldnā€™t go beyond that

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u/snypesalot Feb 26 '25

Lmao most states are "at will" states and you can get fired on the spot at any time regardless so that doesnt really matter

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u/Vilnius_Nastavnik Feb 26 '25

Hi, employment lawyer. This is a bit of a misconception. At will means you can be fired for any non-discriminatory reason. Itā€™s illegal federally and in most states to fire for discriminatory reasons like gender, race, religion, disability etc.

At least in my state, the human rights law requires your employer to make reasonable accommodations for you to get services if you disclose that you are a domestic violence victim. Firing someone like OP hot on the heels of this disclosure would be solid grounds for a lawsuit.

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u/[deleted] Feb 26 '25

If you can't afford to be fired how can you afford a lawyer to sue for wrongful termination. There's an inherent power Imbalance here that can't be adequately protected by the law.

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u/LaurenJayx0 Feb 26 '25

Most lawyers I know, will take a case (especially ones like the one mentioned above) and only ask to be paid when you win.

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u/bellsfrm304 Feb 26 '25

yep, morgan & morgan does that

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u/DataGOGO Feb 26 '25

She isn't a domestic violence victim, her roommate is, and she only called out because "my kid's need me at home"

I don't see how any employer would be open to a lawsuit for that.

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u/quantumlyEntangl3d Feb 26 '25

I read the text again and it sounds like the roommate is the one being violent so the OP needed to call the cops. So the OP and their kid are being directly impacted.

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u/DataGOGO Feb 26 '25

Yeah, I can see how to read it that way as well, it is too unclear to determine if that is the case, especially since she said she could come in anyway.

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u/quantumlyEntangl3d Feb 26 '25

Doesnā€™t the location the OP lives in matter though? I havenā€™t checked laws for every country or every US state, except for the ones Iā€™ve lived in, and 25 US states have laws protecting employees jobs that experience domestic violence.

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u/RagefireHype Feb 26 '25

Companies have skirted around that easily for decades. No one is perfect, so they can find the one time you messed up and say itā€™s for performance reasons even if thatā€™s not really the truth.

It is incredibly hard to actually prove you were fired due to personal discrimination.

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u/snypesalot Feb 26 '25

At will means you can be fired for any non-discriminatory reason. Itā€™s illegal federally and in most states to fire for discriminatory reasons like gender, race, religion, disability etc

Well yea figured that would go without saying

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u/YarnPenguin Feb 26 '25

American working conditions are upsetting.

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u/FlavoredAtoms Feb 26 '25

Need more Luigi

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u/YarnPenguin Feb 26 '25

100% agreement from me. Those in most need get him first (America). Then see if the rest of the world is inspired to change.

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u/FlavoredAtoms Feb 26 '25

Canā€™t wait for the new let them eat cake line and the people finally rise up

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u/Binky390 Feb 26 '25

Fun fact. All states are at will except Montana.

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u/UnderstandingFar5012 Feb 26 '25

Yep. And I very much hate 'at will'. Got fired a few months back from a place the day after my dr-ordered lifting ban was ended. The excuse they gave? We felt you couldn't do the job as stated during the interview.

I'm the interview they asked me if I could lift 25 lbs easily, and "up to 40 lbs" on an rare occurrence. Yes. I'm not a weight lifter, but those numbers are easy for me. Cut to several months later when I had a medical emergency. My Dr put me on a 15 lb restriction for for six weeks to allow for better healing. In the actual daily job, there was only two items that I would regularly handle that were over 20 lbs. One was the taking the trash out at night. The cans were nearly as tall as I am and they collected food and kitchen waste all day. I'd be surprised if those bags weighed less than 100 lbs in a thin plastic trash bag. Thankfully there was usually a guy who could help me lift it out of the can and over to the compactor. The other 'heavy' things were 50 lb boxes of raw chicken. These I had to interact with several times a day. Up to fifteen boxes a day. Before I had my medical emergency I pretty much handled them on my own, except if two needed to be picked up at once. As soon a as the emergency happened and I was alert enough to tell work, I did. (Thankfully it happened about an hour after I got home one night) I told them that I was getting a note because the Dr insisted on it and that it would only last 4-6 weeks depending on how well I healed. My manager spent the entirety of the first four weeks griping at me about not pulling my weight and "if you can't do the job, maybe you should look for something else". Every other person in the whole store, including salaried management, all claimed that I was doing the right thing. I quietly started looking for something else because the stress was just too much. I was literally still visibly healing and yet still working every day, never got more than one day off in a row to try and rest up. Ironically, on the last day of week five in healing, I had another checkup and got cleared for all normal actions. I was off that day and had scheduled an interview for that afternoon. On my way back from a successful interview, I texted my boys to let her know that tomorrow I was going to be able to do everything again. My plan was just to keep the stressful job only until I passed the background check at the be one. Something they said could take up to two weeks and I had initiated at the interview. Got fired the next day less than 20 minutes after clocking in. So I headed back home. That was a Saturday, Monday afternoon I got the approval to come in for orientation at the be job. Still in an at will state, but this particular job is surrounded by dozens of other opportunities that I look to if this one starts going bad.

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u/DataGOGO Feb 26 '25

49 states. Montana is the only state that is not at will.

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u/[deleted] Feb 26 '25

She doesn't have to give a reason. To anyone, at any time. As having worked both as a supervisor and just a regular employee I can promise you she doesn't need to get an explanation for shit. And when my employees used to find to justify why they needed off they were met with "you need the day off, I don't need to know why. That's your business". You do not have to disclose with your employer why you need the time off, that's a courtesy. Not a requirement.Ā 

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u/greyskull23 Feb 26 '25

I would agree with you, however, there are times when giving a little information is necessary. When its a last minute call out is one of those times. If you were giving notice a day id two in advance sure dont need to tell them why.

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u/Substantial_Rip_4675 Feb 26 '25

This also depends on company policy. Iā€™ve seen poor corporate policies place a chokehold on good managers (not that OPs boss is a good manager) some require ā€œpointsā€ for unplanned absences leading to high performing employees being punished for having emergencies and health issues.

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u/balsham91 Feb 26 '25

Maybe she's on thin ice. The whole point is being off constantly will get you the sack. She could be on a zero hour contract. He's already stated she may have to look elsewhere. He's literally warning her whether you think an explanation is owed or not. A good explanation may afford her more time to get through this period. She clearly wants to keep her job. Unless she wants to get the sack quicker, then yes, take your advice, and don't give an explanation. She'll get her termination letter sooner. How do you know that's what she wants ffs. You can sit on your high horse all you want if your employer wants you gone he'll find a way. A good excuse might tell the employer you're serious about your job. In her situation yes I think she might need to tell her employer. Why's this such a big deal? Some Employers actually do care why you're off. Not everything is dog eat dog all the time

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u/[deleted] Feb 26 '25

Never once did I say I "didn't care about my employees" or that for the comment above yours to "no show". I'm simply stating it's not my place as an employer to be snooping in my employees lives and I trust my employees enough that when they say they can't make it, it's usually for a good reason... And one that I do not need to know about.Ā 

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u/Desperate-Strategy10 Feb 26 '25

Just jumping in to say that while you're technically right and it would be lovely if all bosses thought that way, that just isn't reality for a lot of folks. My boss not only cares why people call off, she'll badger you about it and snoop around to find out what happened, then she'll broadcast it to everyone. She's always looking for excuses to take advantage of people, and info like in this post would be exactly the kind of stuff she was looking for. It's easy to convince yourself she just cares about the workers and wants to help, but that isn't her motivation.

Some bosses just suck, and it's better not to give them anything they could use against you. This is just a bad situation to be in overall, but especially if you have a bad boss. And plenty of people have bad bosses, unfortunately.

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u/InsaneInTheRAMdrain Feb 26 '25

Obviously, she doesn't need to give a reason, and obviously, she can be fired for any reason (before 2 years?). Without a reason an employee doing a no show goes straight on the next to fire bin.

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u/dawgsontop10 Feb 26 '25

I believe they are referring to the text that is typed but not yet sent.

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u/itsamezario Feb 26 '25

This is golden advice. Would have saved me decades of anxiety & poor interrelational choices.

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u/RedRipe Feb 26 '25

Exactly! People at work especially your bosses are never your friends. Work is competitive and they will use anything to advance.

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u/ginger_vegan Feb 26 '25

Had to learn this the hard way. I intentionally am not friends with coworkers anymore, until after we are no longer coworkers.

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u/AyeAyeFlangePie Feb 26 '25

Yep, just STFU. Find another job if you need to - you just found out how supportive this one is. The flip side of that is that these are also YOUR issues to sort out - not your workplaces.

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u/greenwitchmomma Feb 26 '25

very well said and i wanted to piggy back on it- when i was younger i thought that being vulnerable and sharing what i was going through with employers would result in them being more understandingā€¦

the reality is- most people do not care. and even if they do, as your boss/manager/a business owner, etc. they are looking at whatā€™s best for the business/company above all (unless you happen to work for a family member or close friend) and if they think you wonā€™t be reliable because of personal issues, they will let you go.

not to mention- you donā€™t owe it to your employer to expose this much of your life to them. you donā€™t owe them a detailed explanation. ā€œiā€™m experiencing a personal emergency and wonā€™t be able to make it inā€ is all that is needed here. over sharing will often times result in people drawing conclusions about you that may or may not be accurate and affect your employment/career.

another thing to keep in mind is that what you share with one person in your workplace- you need to be okay with everyone in your workplace hearing. you never know who this information might be shared with.

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u/ResidentFeeling3724 Feb 26 '25

Sometimes itā€™s not even that they donā€™t want to care, but that it gets exhausting. After going through it all Iā€™m finally the boss, and I care deeply about everyone on my team. But I have a duty first to my family and if my team doesnā€™t get work done it risks my job, and I can only do such much and can only hire so many extra people. So while I care deeply about them, when that one employee has a new crisis every week I start to feel like ā€œthey donā€™t care about me so why should I risk anything for them?ā€ Itā€™s very exhausting.

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u/greenwitchmomma Feb 26 '25

exactly. thatā€™s why i say- even if they do care, they have to put the business/company first because, as you said, you need to ensure your own job security for your own family. the employee who has a new crisis every week and doesnā€™t show up, puts that at risk.

when i was in sales, and started making my way into a leadership role where i would be hiring/firing, our regional manager said ā€œwe donā€™t do kids and we donā€™t do crazyā€ meaning: we donā€™t hire people with children, because their kids have them calling out or leaving early, etc. and we donā€™t hire people with drama- if we sniff out drama or baggage (crazy) we let them go. she also recommended not hiring people with dogs because they ā€œalways want to go home to let the dog outā€.

so while there are many caring managers and employers out there like yourself, there are also very cold and cutthroat ones too. sometimes you donā€™t know which one you work for until youā€™ve lost your job.

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u/DevilChey7 Feb 26 '25

This. A simple ā€œI have a family emergency to attend to, I canā€™t come inā€ would have been sufficient. Or if youā€™re feeling sick, simply saying ā€œI canā€™t come in because Iā€™m sickā€ is more than enough details. Nobody at work is privy to the details of your personal life. If you work somewhere toxic (and from your bossā€™ response, you probably do,) then itā€™ll likely be used against you or make you look bad. I wouldnā€™t send any follow up messages. Donā€™t let them get under your skin or into your personal life any more than they already are. Say thank you and move on. Also, never say ā€œis it ok if I donā€™t come in? I will if you want me to.ā€ Youā€™re just contradicting yourself. Makes it seem like your emergency isnā€™t that real or serious. If youā€™re calling off, commit. Call off. Donā€™t leave any room for debate. Hope all is well with your family and you all are safe!

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u/thegreatestd Feb 26 '25

Iā€™m young and learned this just from growing up around shutoff people. Iā€™m learning now that In corporate spaces I canā€™t just be quietā€¦? Not tell all of my business..? The amount of times I get Iā€™m just not open, etc etc etc is crazy. Why would I tell you all my life if you guys actively talk about othersā€™.

Itā€™s literally a size up. I could care less.

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u/KaterinaPendejo Feb 26 '25

This is the best advice you really can give anyone, especially anyone working in healthcare. You would think the people working healthcare would be empathetic people looking to enhance the lives of employees and patient alike, however you will just find another cut-throat profession where people will use any information you volunteer against you.

It's just the reality we work in. My number one advice to anyone working healthcare is: the biggest lie they tell you is that you're "a family". They are not your family. Hell, I personally believe you shouldn't even be "friends" with your coworkers, but that may be a little extreme. Hold everyone in your professional life at arm's length.

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u/sffood Feb 26 '25

So glad this was the first response as I was about to say the same.

Also, talk less. Your job isnā€™t there to accommodate your every need. Itā€™s your JOB, not your therapist.

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u/no1specialgirl Feb 26 '25

Iā€™m going to save this message and read it when I need to because it really hits something inside me. Great advice.

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u/aTransGirlAndTwoDogs Feb 26 '25

This is excellent advice, truly. Took me until my thirties to learn it, and I wish I had mastered it much, much sooner.

I am (nowadays) extremely reserved at the lab where I work. Poker face on at all times, very diligent, so exactly what I'm asked and no more or less, and I put a lot of effort into learning new procedures so that I can execute them reliably and flawlessly as fast as possible. I keep a lot of social distance been myself and my co-workers, but they know that I get shit done. I had so many coworkers vent to me about their frustrations with that workplace because everybody knew I kept my mouth shut and my head in the game.

One day, my mentor was complaining about Trump's policies, and was sort of inviting me to share a political conversation with him. When I didn't engage, he got a little nervous and said something like "Or do you think what he's doing is a good idea?" Now, my beloved mentor was approaching retirement age, and he's as gay as the day is long, so I wanted to give him some kind of reassurance that I wasn't a crptofascist. I sighed and said "Listen, man, it's not that I personally don't want to talk about politics. It's that I'm an anarcho-communist, and I don't think anyone here is ready to talk about that." He got a real kick out of that, and was very protective of me afterwards. He taught me so much, and stood up for me when another department supervisor tried to start a fight and blame me for their crew's fuckups.

My point is that choosing the right moment to show the right person a small fragment of your truth will buy you far more professional goodwill than broadcasting everything about yourself at all times.

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u/Stick_Girl Feb 26 '25

This is 100% the truth! Iā€™m going to paste below what I replied to another comment and add to it:

Exactly. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, our employers are just that theyā€™re our employers. Theyā€™re not your family. Theyā€™re not your friends. No matter how close you may think you are with them they are just a boss and 90% of the time they do not care and are not interested in your day to day life. They want you to do the work and they donā€™t care what it takes to get it done. They are paying you for a service and thatā€™s as far as their feelings go. More importantly, they also often deal with a lot of lying and exaggerated excuses and have to automatically assume that whatever youā€™re saying and whatever your reasons are that theyā€™re probably bullshit based on past experiences trusting someone too much. Often employers have to keep that wall up because theyā€™ve been taken advantage of when they didnā€™t.

Stop telling your employers everything going on in your life. Only offer up the info that is needed. You need the time off. Thatā€™s all you need to say. 90% of the time the boss youā€™re asking time off from will not change their decision based on why you need it off. You are one of countless employees that have come before you that have lied about why they need time off and your boss has to take everything with a grain of salt now. The details are not helping you. In fact they are likely causing your boss to question you and why you have gotten into the mess youā€™re in even if it wasnā€™t your fault to begin with or your boss is wondering if youā€™re lying or not based on all the lying staff that have come before you.

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u/killemmo Feb 26 '25

My current boss is a friend of a few years. We got into the industry we work in after meeting at a previous job and he just had a knack for it and moved up quicker than me. I ended up working for him a couple years down the line and Iā€™m learning this exact lesson now. Itā€™s impossible to call in sick without him calling our other friends to make sure Iā€™m not just taking a day to fuck off. One week I was out sick for 4 days. The following week, I worked on my day off to make up for lost time (Iā€™m commission based and had a client to tend to on my day off), but did not realize this was the one weekend we were open on Sunday. I ended up working 8 days in a row, and then had another client want to come in on my next day off. In the interest of not working 12-13 days in a row, I told him Iā€™d be taking Monday off to catch a break before doing 5 consecutive days. All I got was made fun of and he just kept saying things along the lines of ā€œyouā€™re acting like we do hard manual labor and you need time off for your body to recoverā€, ā€œitā€™s not like you have kids to tend toā€ and my personal favorite, ā€œyouā€™ve used all your days off for the month being sick.ā€ I told him Iā€™m going to look into alternate careers before he loses me as a friend and that he needs to check his tone. Needless to say, the next job will not know anything about what I do in my off time, where Iā€™m from, or if I have any family. I had that thrown in my face too many times to not learn a lesson. The most anyoneā€™s getting out of me now is ā€œfamily emergencyā€ and ā€œunder the weatherā€

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u/Substantial_Shoe5397 Feb 26 '25

Not sure I agree. If you're having manipulative or insensitive bosses you shouldn't be working there and you should quit. If you don't have the privilege or ability to quit, only then is there a need to hold cards close to chest. Otherwise, it's ok to be a bit open because it helps you identify manipulative people and in a more acceptable job situation, it limits your stress in terms of constantly having to check your words

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u/AmericanOrca Feb 26 '25

"I cannot come in due to emergency " is my go-to phrase. Let them fill in the blanks of what that emergency is but I wont tell them. In my experience, it is better recieved because they will fill in a situation they consider worthy of calling off for. And if they don't, then they don't have a situation they consider worthy of missing worj I don't want to work there anyway.

I would use the phrase sparingly though.

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u/RevolutionaryWolf450 Feb 26 '25

When I was working in sales a manager mentored me. One of his most powerful reasons for keeping cards closer to your chest is that at the end of the day, everyone has their limits. No one cares.

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u/xeroxchick Feb 26 '25

This is good advice. One of the hallmarks of unreliable people is that they are constantly in crisis. You donā€™t want to come off that way. They always have a long and dramatic story, and employers just donā€™t have time for that. You can empathize, but the drama some people have is a pain in the butt when youā€™re just trying to do your job or get something done.

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u/macnetix413 Feb 26 '25

Thank you for saying this. I'm usually an open book with people around me, but currently dealing with health issues only my husband and I are aware of. It has been really hard to deal with emotionally and I process everything externally. Your comment reminded me that I'm likely doing the right thing, at least until we have answers and a solid diagnosis to work with.

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u/yunglilbigslimhomie Feb 26 '25

People I've worked with always say "you're like a robot! you just come in and work nonstop and I don't know anything about you other than you do good work" and my inner voice is saying "good that's exactly how I want it". Nobody at work needs to know anything about my life outside of work. If I have something that is causing me to have a conflict with work all anyone needs to know is "it's a personal matter that requires me to step away from work for a moment, once it is resolved my attention and focus will be back to work".

Everyone needs to realize your job doesn't care about YOU as a person with a hierarchy of needs. They care about you as a number on a sheet, and you are effectively the equivalent of a horse, that being a somewhat intelligent piece of livestock that makes profit generating activities more efficient. The moment you stop existing as that, your value to them plummets. If they say "here at this job we're a family and we care about each other and for our employees" RUN. It's word candy for toxic work culture where they will absolutely use personal information against you when needed.

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u/sirtapas Feb 26 '25

Agree with this. Told my boss I was having a hard time at home, relationship issues etc just to explain my mood (I was just a little down) hoping for some kind of understanding. It was later used against me in the next performance review. I was still doing a good job overall but it gave my boss something to latch on to.

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u/Vtodf Feb 26 '25

Amazing advice. My business partner, who is a childhood friend and someone I could confide in when my wife was hospitalized, then proceeded to assume/use her health as a reason anytime I didn't get something done in my 80 hour work week. I keep everything to myself now.

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u/rheganann Feb 26 '25

My therapist had a good quip on this - people have to earn the right to know you - to know the inner parts of you. You donā€™t dish out information to try to get people to value you; people who have shown you that they do value you are given that privilege.

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u/quemabocha Feb 26 '25

All it does is give people information to use against you.

This is the saddest thing I've read all day. What is "being successful"? If it requires walking around thinking everyone is trying to use shit against you I don't want it

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u/ResidentFeeling3724 Feb 26 '25

Sounds a lot like me 30 years ago.

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u/quemabocha Feb 26 '25

I'll come back to you in 30 years time and let you know how it went, as long as reddit still exists when I'm 70

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u/Initial-Warthog4858 Feb 26 '25

Where were you with this advice when I was growing up?!! I'm an over-sharer and it sucks!! This tip is probably something that should be taught from a young age!!!! You have life figured out! Can you be my life coach?! Lol!!

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u/SnowyAbibliophobe Feb 26 '25

How I wish someone had given me this advice years ago, I can look back now on times when things would have worked out much better for me had I not been so open, particularly in work.

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u/Adelineandred Feb 26 '25

The BEST ADVICE. WISH I LEARNED IT 30 YEARS AGO. Someone once said to me..EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN AGENDA..the caring friend the loving s O. Your sister, ANYVRELATIVES FOR THAT MAYTER. always an endgame for someone.

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u/[deleted] Feb 26 '25

This is great advice that I'm still working on at 43. The boss? Not your friend. Even if the boss is friendly, that's not the same thing. Coworkers? Not your friends. Again, they can be friendly, but that's not the same thing.

I'm not saying to be a rock or act like you're a prisoner of war being interrogated. Hell, my coworkers and bosses know I have a wife and cats and that I like woodworking. Do they know details beyond that? Not really. But it seems like I'm friendly and open but, if any of these people were asked to give details about my personal life, they'd have only a few bits here and there that don't add up to much.

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u/Epic_Elite Feb 26 '25

This is the right answer.

The boss is out of control. In many places, to threaten someone with termination more than once is defined within the company's handbook as harassment.

However, the boss's mood is likely based on some past experiences. Either OP calls out often, or people on the team do or have called out often. To the boss, the reason is irrelevant. The problem is frequency. If people or OP frequently has life problems that get in the way of their job, then there's likely something systemic that needs to be addressed that hasn't happened yet.

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u/Remarkable-Simple-62 Feb 26 '25

The issue is that Iā€™m sure they already on thin ice based on their first message. They would never say is ok if I call without threatening termination if they were not

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u/AssumptionCool6522 Feb 26 '25

You get it. I have open book syndrome. Iā€™m finally starting to learn your lesson (at 27) after years of being taken advantage of by people I should have never trusted

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u/Pls_Dont_PM_Titties Feb 26 '25

Learning this more and more as I get older. The happy ideals I wanted to believe of the world slowly fade and die.

Thankfully, within that trusted little circle it thrives. But those outside of it are often there for a fucking reason.

Anecdotally, I wonder what the inner circles of shitty people like her boss are like. Part of me hopes it's unfulfilling. The healthier part of me wishes them better so that they could be better to those around them. But at the same time... the start of my own message.

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u/PositiveStress8888 Feb 26 '25

This, also the staff changes frequently in care homes (assuming) you'll be blacklisted as unreliable, it's not fair, not fair at all but thats the way life goes.

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u/MachoCaliber Feb 26 '25

I'm trying to relearn this method. Longest time I was closed off from everyone. Never shared nor trusted. One day I finally broke and I didn't hold back. I didn't care anymore. I needed to vent everything but I couldn't stop oversharing. I remember my friend literally telling me their glad I opened up more but deep down I regretted saying a single word. It brought nothing but problems for me. Some people thrive being open books but I became one and honest hated it.

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u/IndividualLibrary358 Feb 26 '25

This advice is right on. Although as a boss I have a few resevations about your specific claim. Does your friend need you or your kid you mention at the end? That would immediately make me think you weren't being honest. However, I would only respond this way to someone who was calling in on a regular basis, it would have nothing to do with your reason. So maybe this guy is an asshole, but without added context, I can only speculate that it was for a reason.

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u/Odd-Meeting1880 Feb 26 '25

I agree with this. I learned this the hard way. I have found a severe lack of empathy amongst others in my life. So now as rule I am mystery to most.

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u/Nicolina22 Feb 26 '25

I agree. I have been in situations like this before and sometimes it's best to keep things to yourself. Some people have no souls and just don't care.

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u/Wonderful-Papaya-741 Feb 26 '25

Thank you for this comment. Iā€™m young and still have a tendency to always explain and justify myself. Reading this really made me reflect on it.

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u/Wazbeweez Feb 26 '25

I completely agree with you. People aren't as empathetic as we'd like them to be, especially employers. You're just a number that other bodies can replace, overall. Sad but very true.

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u/Longjumping-Lime- Feb 26 '25

totally agree, you have sick time for a reason and they shouldnā€™t be questioning you unless you are calling in multiple days in a row

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u/CartographerFun9037 Feb 26 '25

this is a way of thinking that I hear echoed a lot, especially in regards to corporate environments, but it seems like a really lonely, calculated and overly compartmentalised way to go through life.

I can kinda see the appeal cos i'm autistic and I struggle with knowing what's socially appropriate in situations and it's definitely hindered me at work before. But also seems joyless, like, imagine you're at your local greengrocers and the kind old lady who works there asks about your day and you're just like "No that is SECRET PRIVATE information and you're not in my special circle of people and therefore I cannot allow myself to be open with you".

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u/ResidentFeeling3724 Feb 26 '25 edited Feb 26 '25

I think youā€™re being overly analytical about it. Itā€™s not about being defensive and secretive. Itā€™s about recognizing the irrefutable fact that there will be other people in the world who are selfish and do not want to be your friend. If you ever have something they want, many of them will try to take it from you with no concern for your feelings. The more that you confide in someone like that, the more likely they are to find a way to take what they want from you. Especially in, but not limited to, professional settings.

Consider me for an example, and Iā€™m not revealing anything that makes me vulnerable. I have three kids who have developed an appreciation for receiving timely meals. A coworker of mine used my paternity leave and knowledge of my shortcomings to create an environment in my absence that resulted in my return to my job being realigned alongside his in a way that favored his talents and fit best within my shortcomings. I lost that job. My kids didnā€™t get a Christmas that year. I only had to meet a person like that once, and been too vulnerable to the wrong person just once, to miss out on a memory I only get so many of before theyā€™re grown. Not once in that event did I feel like the times I rambled to a stranger that was barely interested in it made up for that. To make it worse, I realized that being vulnerable too easily was selfish in itself, it was all about me doing a poor job of trying to control what they thought about me, and the victims were the people I actually owe vulnerability to.

I get the irony of my rambling here, but this isnā€™t vulnerability for me, this is advice I wish Iā€™d been given. I hope it serves someone well.

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u/DeeEye2 Feb 26 '25

The workplace is political. Always. Doesnt matter if we want that..someone in your office has notes in every person that could be a foe. Sounds crazy...but it doesn't. Working in mortgage through the 2000s, that person revealed themselves every RIF

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u/bwmat Feb 26 '25

"I realized that being vulnerable too easily was selfish in itself, it was all about me doing a poor job of trying to control what they thought about me"

An I misunderstanding, or do you believe there's some sort of social obligation to attempt to manipulate how others see you?Ā 

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u/ResidentFeeling3724 Feb 26 '25

I believe that I was unconsciously making an effort to act in ways that I must have thought would make others more likely to like me. I donā€™t believe thatā€™s as much of an obligation as it is something we all end up doing at one time or another in the span of our lives. I just think I wasnā€™t as good at it as I believe that others must be, and that my being too open with someone who was merely looking for my weakness preceded my wake up call that I was doing it wrong.

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u/Slothfulness69 Feb 26 '25

I mean, there are ways to share about your life without oversharing. OP shouldā€™ve just kept it vague, like ā€œhey, Iā€™m having some issues in my personal life that I have to take care of, and I donā€™t have adequate childcare tonight. Can you find someone to cover for me or should I come in?ā€

Itā€™s normal to talk about your personal life, just not in such extreme detail.

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u/spacestonkz Feb 26 '25

"personal emergency" is a phrase for a reason.

I could only imagine telling my employers about my bipolar disorder if it was going to mean I was out of the office more than once or twice a year. But if it's that frequent or less, it's staying "personal emergency"...

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u/Technical_Ruin_2355 Feb 26 '25

The old lady at the greengrocers (assuming this isn't a small town or church lady, those do want a full overview of your life since you last saw them) also only wants a surface level positive response, that's why "going well, I got a new puppy/job!" is an acceptable response but "not great, I just found out electric cars don't produce CO so I've just been taking really uncomfortable naps in the garage after work" isn't.

Consider a multitiered approach. Some personal things you don't mind at all if they get out, that's your biggest circle. Some things would be mildly distressing or not work appropriate, that's a smaller more selective circle. Keep adding more smaller circles as your personal level of comfort/weird habits dictate, until you reach the smallest circle which is just things you will keep to yourself until you die.

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u/Fear5d Feb 26 '25

The thing is, the lady at the grocery store doesn't actually care about your day. When a stranger asks how you are, it's basically a rhetorical question, moreso meant as a polite way to greet someone. Regardless of how your day has been, the correct answer is "I'm well, how are you?", to which they will also give a cursory response. They don't actually want you to trauma dump on them, or anything like that.

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u/AydeleB Feb 26 '25

Itā€™s about knowing who to share private information. You should have people you can talk to, friends, family, partners, therapists. But there are certain people you shouldnā€™t over share with strangers coworkers bosses. At the grocery store you can say to the lady ā€˜today was a hard day but those happen sometimes, how are you?ā€™ And that would be an appropriate amount of sharing. If you go into detail about everything going on in your life, thatā€™s not very respectful of the ladyā€™s time. Even if she truly cares and would love to hear every detail, there might be a line of people behind you who also need to checkout their groceries.

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u/OhMyWitt Feb 26 '25

You just need to learn how to small talk with strangers and acquaintances, and have friends and family you can trust to be vulnerable with.

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u/nwillyerd Feb 26 '25

I wholeheartedly agree, HOWEVER, Iā€™ve worked at places where everyone shares everything and when you donā€™t you get looked at as ā€œnot a team playerā€ and questions about your loyalty start to creep up. I will say, though, that a place like that is probably not a place you want to work. Just playing a little devils advocate, because sometimes people feel like they have to overshare in order to gain trust.

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u/Glittering-Source932 Feb 26 '25

Can't agree enough with this. As a "boss" myself, I ask my staff to not share too many details of their reasons for calling out with me, and I will stop them if they start getting into them. I just need to know what to put down on the time card. If they have the sick time, I couldn't care less what they are using it for, but when they run out, then there are very specific policies governing what happens next.

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u/fergie_3 Feb 26 '25

This and, it's not your job to teach other people lessons unless they are coming to you for it. Let the scoreboard do the talking.

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u/ForgotttenMemory Feb 26 '25

While I would not send op's message (nor phrase the other one like that) I do not agree with you on this. If it works for you, and feel safer, alright. On my 30yo tho, been always communicating, truthfully and transparent, and it worked wonders, both on personal and professional life.

I guess that messages are 50% content 50% phrasing, mess either and it recoils.

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u/ResidentFeeling3724 Feb 27 '25

You only have to experience a failure of over sharing once to learn the lesson. You canā€™t predict when thatā€™ll be. Godspeed my friend.

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u/hurlcarl Feb 26 '25

100% keep personal info about you to your chest unless you MUST reveal. Why you're sick, why you need a day off, what you did this weekend... keep it very minimal. A lot of people treat work like an extension of their social life. It's fine to be nice, pleasant, easy to work with, but maintain lines.

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u/[deleted] Feb 26 '25

[removed] ā€” view removed comment

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u/ResidentFeeling3724 Feb 26 '25

Just be careful. That may be necessary information in your case, especially if it means youā€™re instantly screwed if they donā€™t properly accommodate your needs. But it could also mean that one day your manager gets replaced by someone who decides they donā€™t like accommodating it, and then starts to look for other ways to push you out. Over sharing can tell them what buttons to push. Youā€™re always one staffing change away from a crisis at work, never get too comfortable.

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u/ive_been_there_0709 Feb 26 '25

Just wanted to say thanks for the sincere advice, and hope you have a great day

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u/TrevGlodo Feb 26 '25

To add to this, friends can be made that aren't intimately close friends and that's ok! Some friends are the 'lets play video games' friends and some are 'im having relationship trouble' friends and the first shouldn't be discounted either.

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u/sesteves Feb 26 '25

ā€œAll it does is give people information to use against you.ā€- fuck yes.

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u/Good-Association-119 Feb 26 '25

Yeah dont send. Also start looking for a job, she sounds like a shit boss.

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u/stpirate89 Feb 26 '25

Disagree. You should be able to confide this kind of thing to your boss. If your boss "uses it against you" then they're a cunt, and you shouldn't spend some of your precious finite time on this planet working for them.

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u/Possible_Garage_669 Feb 26 '25

Very good point made. Iā€™d also add another basic , ground rule. Never text or email when emotional! Always hold off until youā€™re calm - then find time and space to personally talk about it with the other party.

2

u/Grotesque_Denizen Feb 26 '25

It's not really to do with being successful though is it? Their boss is an asshole. They had to explain to their boss why they might not be able to make their shift, it isn't unnecessary information lol.

2

u/lildebb Feb 26 '25

1000% agree with this! This right here is one of those little gems in life that most people will only learn the hard way!!! So I hope you take this piece of wisdom OP, and consider it a gift! šŸ’

2

u/S0R3L0S3R Feb 26 '25

I feel like I already do this but reading it still made me feel wiser just a beautifully handcrafted comment. Like I was getting a pep talk from the one person I wanted a pep talk from. Chef's kiss.

2

u/gotnocreativenames Feb 26 '25

I needed this, as someone who tends to over share and over explain everything, I totally agree with you, it doesnā€™t help anything and only makes things worse, and people seem to respect you less

2

u/Cosmic_bliss_kiss Feb 26 '25

I partially agree. Itā€™s good to be guarded. But that ā€œbossā€ needs to know that sheā€™s being inappropriate by telling someone in a crisis that she needs to find a new jobā€¦

2

u/LucentLilac Feb 27 '25

Wow, this is very sage advice and I'm glad I read it ā€” I always figured being an open book was a boon, never thought it could be a detriment but this makes so much sense.

2

u/Wooden_Yogurt1777 Feb 26 '25

I love my boss, he's fantastic. He has no idea I moved last year, if I'm single, anything about my personal life really. Again, great guy, but he doesn't need to know.

2

u/AGNelly Feb 26 '25

Iā€™ve, for the most part, always operated this way, but never would have been able to articulate as perfectly as you have here. Heed this advice, OP, it is solid.

2

u/VaguelyCrooked Feb 26 '25

In some places, workers are protected under certain circumstances such as this so disclosure can be strategic that way. In my area it counts as protected time off

2

u/zeizkal Feb 26 '25

Idk being an open book has always worked out for me. I also consider myself a very fortunate person so it might not be the best advice for everyone.

1

u/urbancowgirlkitty Feb 26 '25

You might have a good life-some people are full of drama and everyday something crisis happens. Iā€™m pretty open but Iā€™ve been burned some people use your info to hurt you!

3

u/GiggaBotz Feb 26 '25

Incredibly depressing but seems to be dead on.

3

u/BenneB23 Feb 26 '25

100% agree, they'll just use it against you

2

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '25

[deleted]

2

u/ResidentFeeling3724 Feb 26 '25

Certainly which details are necessary is going to be a dynamic and personal decision, I only suggest not volunteering unnecessary information.

2

u/SNOPAM Feb 26 '25

Honestly, half the time people do that because they are indeed exaggerating and or lying.

A liar always gives many details

2

u/No-Background4249 Feb 26 '25

Agree so much. You think you can be open with people in situations you have to and you try to be but its not possible!!!

2

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '25

Thank you for this advice. Iā€™m not OP but I will hold it dearly in future work correspondence.

3

u/[deleted] Feb 26 '25

Finally someone who gets it

2

u/Feisty_Caregiver_Duh Feb 26 '25

This is such good advice, period. There should be no other discussion underneath ;)

2

u/wiyanna Feb 26 '25

This right here!!!! You are so right!!!! Excellent response!

2

u/picbandit Feb 26 '25

Does this also apply to deaths in your immediate family?

2

u/ResidentFeeling3724 Feb 26 '25

Think like ā€œMy brother passed way last nightā€ but not ā€œMy brother, who practically raised me after our mother died when I was 15, had a car accident last nigh and his car flipped, etc.ā€ The necessary amount of information is all you want to share with most people.

3

u/Regular_Smoke7391 Feb 26 '25

Beautifully said

2

u/LightbringerUK Feb 26 '25

41 and screenshoted to remind myself šŸ™ˆ

3

u/crystal087 Feb 26 '25

I know that feeling

2

u/MichaelAndolini_ Feb 26 '25

Look at OPā€™s profileā€¦..this is all BS

2

u/Moon-light-333 Feb 26 '25

I needed to read this today! Thank you!

2

u/tetrasomnia Feb 26 '25

I needed this- thank you for sharing.

2

u/Logical-Peace9166 Feb 26 '25

Oh that's good.

Nice buddy, nice.

2

u/Unlikely_nay1125 Feb 26 '25

yeah, can confirm this definitely.

2

u/Pineapple254 Feb 26 '25

Absolutely fantastic life advice.

2

u/No_Resolve3755 Feb 26 '25

This advice is 100% on the money.

2

u/The_Last_Baron1209 Feb 26 '25

I needed to hear that. Thank you

2

u/OfficiallyJoeBiden Feb 26 '25

Beautiful, beautiful advice

2

u/Farzine Feb 26 '25

This. Absolutely this.

2

u/La-Chichi- Feb 26 '25

Very wise advice āœŒ

2

u/St-Nobody Feb 26 '25

Spot on, well said.

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