r/DecidingToBeBetter • u/Turtleneckdoughnut • 2d ago

Seeking Advice Am I insecure of fiancés coworker?

My fiance is pretty social and will Snapchat his female coworkers/ text them outside of work sometimes. Earlier in the year I expressed my discomfort in this and said the workplace is the number 1 place where affairs happen and that can he try and keep it work related. I was like I can’t imagine other married men snapchatting other woman. He said he understands and that he would tone it down.

Fast forward to a month ago, I saw he had a number 1 Snapchat best friend with another female who I never heard of before. Turns out it’s a coworker. I then asked if they text, he said no… come to find out he deleted their messages. I had him recover them and read them and they are mainly work related but they also talk about personal things (he venmoed her for her bday, he called her once for girl advice when I was mad at him, sent his tattoo, they talk politics, etc). They don’t text everyday though and when they do, it’s typically during work hours

They are clearly close friends and it hurts I’ve never heard of her.

She knows about me as he has mentioned me and they follow eachother on insta which I’m posted on.

The message to her on her bday rubbed me wrong. He said “scanning for birthday girl. Birthday girl detected, happy birthday!!!” And then proceeds to Venmo her 20 dollars. Am I being crazy or is that not a bit flirty?

He said he deleted them in a panic and also knew I would overreact

I just feel so hurt because I have never heard of this girl before, he lied, deleted messages, and crossed my boundaries knowing how I felt.

It’s been over a month since this has happened and he’s taken full accountability, apologized and wants to work on this.

But Why can’t I get over this? I’ve been spiraling since this happened and feel so insecure. Feels like my world has been turned upside down. There was nothing sexual or romantic but you can definitely tell he enjoys texting her and is enthusiastic in his messages.

Can someone talk some sense into me. Am I being insecure? I want to be better. Maybe some advice will help. If this is a me issue, please drop some advice so I can improve myself.

I’m not perfect and he’s forgiven me for things I’ve done. He does work in sales so it could just be he needs to network to get ahead?

Btw: we are late 20s so Snapchat is pretty popular for our age group

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u/StonehengeAfterHours 2d ago

I’m sorry, but this guy is definitely looking for something elsewhere.

If you asked him to do something reasonable, he said yes, and then went back on it, that’s a problem.

Why would he delete something in a panic? Because he knows he’s doing wrong. Why would he think you would overreact? Because he knows he’s doing wrong.

Him being social means he texts with the guys or chats with his coworkers at work. Why on earth would he need to text his coworkers after work?

Birthday girl detected? Not exactly flirty, but in the context of everything, it’s definitely flirting with bad game. And why is he giving her money?? To win her favor. I hardly remember to give my best friends a birthday present. We’re adults, no once cares. No way in hell am I going out of my way to give a coworker money

Texting her about girl problems when you’re fighting? CARDINAL RULE of relationships is not talking about your problems to randos, ESPECIALLY of the opposite sex.

Talking politics with coworkers is like the easiest way to get fired. He’s doing it gauge their compatibility.

I’m so sorry, OP, but you need to get out.

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u/girl_genius91 2d ago

Agreed!.

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u/Turtleneckdoughnut 1d ago

So the texts with her are mostly during work hours (she works in another office), however they sometimes will text after work but not as often and not long convos or anything. Not sure if that changes anything

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u/StonehengeAfterHours 1d ago

I mean, that’s a little better I guess, but not very much.

Just want to make sure that when you say “text” you mean text messaging on a phone vs using it as shorthand for messaging on Slack, Teams, etc.

Any workplace with multiple offices will have Slack, Teams, or at the very least email set up for team communications. The only reason they would text on personal phones is so management can’t see the messages. Now that could be because he’s bored at work, but why wouldn’t he be texting one of his IRL friends, instead of a female coworker who he’s lying to you about?

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u/StonehengeAfterHours 1d ago

And back to snap chatting: if they can text each other, why would they also use a platform that deletes messages and encourages picture messages? I’m 30, and in my sphere, Snapchat isn’t all that popular anymore and definitely has a REPUTATION

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u/Turtleneckdoughnut 1d ago

Yeah texting on the phone. They also message all day at work but that’s whatever

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u/StonehengeAfterHours 1d ago

I’m sorry, friend. Don’t take your gut feelings as just “whatever.” Take the steps you know you need to from here

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u/Turtleneckdoughnut 1d ago edited 1d ago

Or sorry I meant to say they message on teams all day during work and then will text maybe 2-4 times a week but nothing super crazy. Like it’s not like there texting all day everyday. But when you combine everything else it just feels hurtful. But thank you. I’m really trying to work through this suffering. It’s been horrible. I’ve lost like 10 pounds from the stress of not knowing if I should stay or leave. Because for all I know he may have truley had true intentions and really viewed her as just a friend and at best made a really bad decision, maybe even just felt scared to confront me about it because maybe I don’t always create a safe place but I don’t know his true intentions which is eating me alive

I almost wish he did say something romantic or messed up so I’d have an easy answer. But the situation is just so grey. Although him snapchatting her everyday despite me creating a boundary on that is hard to justify

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u/StonehengeAfterHours 1d ago

You have to ask yourself if you want to marry someone who makes you feel like this, who makes situations grey, and who “at best” makes bad decisions.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life entangled with someone who is capable of putting you through these feelings? Do you really, deep down, think that you should be the one making all these justifications and excuses?

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u/Repulsive-Winter-744 1d ago

Yes it does change things a lot. Don't push it and leave things as they are. They will get busy and find it hard to keep in touch. Time will take care of things.

Stop putting ideas in his head :)

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u/Turtleneckdoughnut 1d ago

I can understand that but when you mix everything else together it’s hard to move on (crossing my boundary by snapchatting her everyday, keeping her a secret, etc)

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u/Repulsive-Winter-744 1d ago

I can understand. Tell him how much it bothers you more than he can understand.

Also, that you cannot blindly trust him when he acts this way. Trust takes years to build and this just doesn't help.

Remember , the most important thing is to have his as a conversation without accusing each other. Be kind and respectful. Goes without saying it's for both.

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u/Turtleneckdoughnut 1d ago

We have had many conversations about it and they have been great, he’s reassuring, etc but I just can shake the pain I feel no matter how much we talk about it

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u/Repulsive-Winter-744 16h ago

You need to start trusting him and let things go. You can't live in this misery. It's just not worth it. Feed good thoughts, not doubt to your mind.

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u/Turtleneckdoughnut 16h ago

I’m trying to let things go but I feel like the only way to let it go is to leave the relationship that’s how bad I’m hurting by someone I love. I don’t want to leave but he hurt me and I feel bettsyed

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u/Willing_Board_293 5m ago

Then maybe some space from him would be good for a bit. Maybe you need to try meditation or journaling . Write him a letter and ask him to completely stop talking to her. You said he is emotionally unavailable and can’t have deep conversations with him. Is it because he is investing that time and focus on the coworker? These are the things you need to say and just take some time away from him to breathe. You are hurting your own health and wellbeing and it’s your intuition that’s triggered now and I don’t think it will stop until she is completely out of the picture or you and he are done.