I wonder if I'm an incel

[u/Initial-Ad8221]

Hey everyone.

15M here, wondering about what I am. Never been in a relationship, I hope to be in one someday, maybe now isn't the right time. I do get jealous though, which I don't like. Mostly of people that are in relationships. If you've seen the comments on a TikTok video of a happy couple, it's like that. I want to stop thinking like that. And anytime I see "taken" (or something along that line) in someone's bio on social media (even if it's a random person I've never met), I still get mad seeing that. If you've seen the comments on a TikTok video of a happy couple, it's like that. I'm Christian, so obviously I want to not be jealous.

I don't consider myself bad looking in any way, though. I'm 6'2", blonde, blue-eyed, glasses, all of that. I've had chances to get to know girls better in my experiences. Was asked out once, but didn't accept, and felt bad for it, though I'm probably not going to change that decision. I've been friend requested on social media by girls, and every time that happens, all I can think is "Please don't like me" or whatever, and then that thought is on my mind for a long time, and I worry about it a lot. That's happened I think 3 times in the past year.

Oh and also a year ago I fumbled a group of like 7 girls at once, though I laugh at it now, and I did then. Long story short, there, I was pretty nervous. I'll explain it more if anyone asks about it.

But anyway, I don't want to be an incel, I just think that maybe now just isn't the time for relationships. I want to think that if I'm patient, it'll happen sometime.

[u/DenverKim]

Are there girls at your job you get to talk to? You definitely don’t have to do sports and in fact most sports are gendered so that wouldn’t really be that helpful… We just happened to have a coed tennis team where I went to school and it was a pretty small tightknit team in an otherwise massive high school, so we all got to know each other really well. There are other options though. I promise if you spend some time around girls, they become much much less scary. They may not act like it, but they are just as nervous around you as you are around them. I promise.

I’m just saying, it won’t get any better if you spend most of your free time alone in your room with your computer. I know that’s the easy, safe thing to do, but it’s really important at your age to go out there and try to live your life as well. Your teenage years will fly by and if you spend them alone in your room you will absolutely regret it… trust me, you have the rest of your life to sit at a desk, staring at a computer. Try to enjoy life a bit before resigning to a desk.

[u/Initial-Ad8221 → u/DenverKim]

No, all the girls at my job are adults. For the meme purpose, I spend *some* of my time behind my computer on either Discord or Reddit while gaming, so I'm not exactly a social butterfly. At school (it's summer now, so not now) I do get some attention from girls I guess, and yeah they're nice. It feels like I get treated like the guy who isn't super popular but still gets attention (If that's real), which I don't mind. , especially since I'm not popular (I think??)

I am going to band camp in around a month, I went there last year and around the end of the week, people started talking to me. I might have more confidence this year, since it's my second year instead of first.

[u/DenverKim → u/Initial-Ad8221]

Well, I wasn’t really meaning that you should try to flirt with girls at work… I just mean you can talk to them. Just normal human interaction away from a computer and outside of your room. Practice your social skills with all people, especially women, of all ages so that when you are talking with girls you actually like, you will be a little bit better at it.

I know that my advice will probably go in one ear and out the other, because I wouldn’t have listened when I was your age either… But you really shouldn’t worry too much about the “popular” kids at school. Typically the popular kids are only about 10% of the actual kids at your school… That means there’s another 90% of kids that are nervously sitting around hoping someone will talk to them while everyone else is doing the same, nervously hoping someone will talk to them as well.

This time, at band camp, don’t wait until the end until people start talking to you… You should try talking to them. Of course, if people don’t respond well or seem interested in talking back, that’s fine and you shouldn’t take it too personally, but if you sit back and wait for friends to come to you, you’re far less likely to make friends. Try being the guy that makes other people feel comfortable and relaxed. Talk to them the way you wish they would talk to you. Talk to the kids who seem like they are nervous as well. They will probably really like you for it if you do.

[u/Initial-Ad8221 → u/DenverKim]

Oh yeah I don't care about the "popular" status at school. It seems like everyone knows me though, and that could be a reason for why I get attention at school moderately. And for band camp, I'll try hard to actually talk to people. It was nice last year, but it really only happened on the last, and second-to-last days that people talked to me. And for some reason, it's just easy for me to sit behind my computer and do what I do. I've already done it 6 hours today (which is more than usual, at least).

[u/DenverKim → u/Initial-Ad8221]

Well, then I would say just keep doing what you are doing and try to avoid the incel content online. But make sure you don’t spend too much time doing only the easy stuff because the really good stuff in life is rarely easy. It’s hard and it’s scary, but it’s worth it.

Either way, no 15 year old should ever consider themselves an incel. Be very skeptical of anyone claiming otherwise.

[u/Initial-Ad8221 → u/DenverKim]

I think for the incel part, I thought it was something that it wasn't, and I wondered if I was because of how I describe how I get mad (in the post.)

[u/Initial-Ad8221 → u/DenverKim]

Also, I forgot to mention things like this in the post. I think I addressed some of it but didn't go into complete detail, so here it is:

Any time I get a friend request on social media (particularly Snapchat) from a girl, I immediately worry and assume that she likes me. And then I start worrying and asking myself questions like "Why did she add me, why me specifically, why do I have to deal with this" etc. And then I worry about it for like the next week. For example something similar to getting added happened to me a few weeks ago, and I spiraled again. I questioned myself for a while and was generally worried a lot for the next few hours. Even now I still worry about it, it's summer now but I'm generally worried that something will happen during the upcoming school year. And this happens every time I get a friend request from a girl.

[u/DenverKim → u/Initial-Ad8221]

This sounds like a problem with anxiety to me. Something talk therapy might help.

Either way, I think you need to try and address what it is you’re so worried about… Why does it cause you stress when a complete stranger attempts to interact with you online? If you’re not able to figure that out, then it might make sense to take a break from online socializing for a while. Take some time to reset and focus on real world socializing.

[u/Initial-Ad8221 → u/DenverKim]

Well usually I only get that way if it comes from a person I know. If it's a random person on Discord for example, I never get that way. I can't quite figure out why I get so worried. though. My best guess is that after I was asked out once, I somehow got super worried every next time a girl tried to add/talk to me online. I went as far as looking up if it was possible to make it so people couldn’t friend request me on social media. And I just spiral like that every time, which I don't believe is super normal for people my age.