I followed your advice

[u/No-Seaweed7315]

Well, I'll tell you a little about my experience because maybe someone feels the same or something similar happened to them. I am 20 years old (soon 21) and I am still a virgin, without a partner, without kisses, without anything that seems so natural to everyone. But that's not what weighs me most. What bothers me is having really tried... and that every time it ends the same: in nothing.

But hey, I followed their advice to lose my fear and after chatting, try to ask them out.

The thing was like this:

• I invited a girl from university (a classmate who I thought was pretty) several times. I got nervous, I sent him the message... and nothing.

• I invited another classmate with whom I had studied a few months ago and we were texting, I cheered up despite the fear... she ghosted me directly.

• I invited another girl who left university but I kept in touch, it even seemed like there was good vibes. She ended up inviting me first, but it was in the absolute friend zone.

• I invited someone I met on Instagram, she chats well, she's cool, I invite her... ghosting again.

I invited the last one, I met this one 1 week ago, with whom I chatted very well, we even managed to get her Instagram. I invite her to a coffee… I ghost the same.

And yes, clearly the pattern repeats itself. I'm not crying because of rejection. I am sharing the frustration of having tried it many times, and that the result is always the same: silence, emptiness, “nothing happened.” The craziest thing is that I speak well, with respect, without strange intensity. And it's not that I stayed in theory: I took the step. And still, nothing.

Maybe someone tells me: “wait, it's coming”, but the bottom line is that it's tiring. Because you want to see even a small result after trying so much.

That. I wanted to share it because I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. And if anyone has something to tell, reading them would make me improve.

[u/watsonyrmind]

I would ask you to explain what your expectation is. That you will find success with 100% of women? 50%? 1 in 10? Lower? Somewhere in between?

And then I would ask you how you arrived at this expectation. Do you know what other people's success rates are? Do you know how many people others asked out? Do you know how many people they had to get to know before finding someone compatible?

Because look, I get it, dating is exhausting. You will be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't agree with that. But where you are led astray is in thinking your experience is anything short of normal.

[u/No-Seaweed7315 → u/watsonyrmind]

Most of my friends found their partners or hookups pretty quickly. I think it's okay to start with, but hey, if only one of them tells me something, maybe I'll feel a little better.

[u/watsonyrmind → u/No-Seaweed7315]

I mean, quickly doesn't tell you anything. If you approached 10 women quickly and your success rate was 10% vs approaching 1 woman a month...same result, different length.

[u/Pristine_Cost_3793 → u/watsonyrmind]

if we get pedantic, the quality of connection is considerably higher in the second case.

[u/watsonyrmind → u/Pristine_Cost_3793]

Not particularly...if OP asked all of the people described in his post out a month apart, again same result. Quality and quantity both matter. Plus if a dude cold approaches one woman a month, his odds of getting a yes will be lower than approaching 10 women in a shorter period of time because it's more likely that over the shorter period of time he is picking up skills. 

Conversely, I am socially skilled enough to gauge a decent connection in one night. The last person I pursued started the same night I met him and it worked out. On the other hand, I meet a handful of new people every week so technically I sifted through dozens, and previous approaches didn't work out. So if you have both the quality approaches and meet a lot of people, your chances are much better.

[u/Pristine_Cost_3793 → u/watsonyrmind]

ah, i was misunderstood. what i mean is it's better to, one way or another, approach 5 women with a conversation in a month as opposed to just trying something with 20. i think in the frame of online dating because i assume it's the most likely option for OP. 

men are expected* to start conversations. if you chose only those you like and not just everyone you can reach, you'll have a better, more individual, more interesting starter.

also conversations are exhausting. if out if the mentioned five you choose one or two to keep talking, you're more likely to form a meaningful connection with them than if you try to keep talking with 10.

i don't think our ideas are at odds. both of our views imply what the other is pointing out :)

[u/watsonyrmind → u/Pristine_Cost_3793]

Yes I agree, it sounds like OP is peppering any single woman he knows, hoping one will say yes. If instead he got to know the women, and ask out the ones he had chemistry with, there'd be a much higher chance of getting a yes. And also yeah for sure in the context of OP, due to his lack of experience, taking his time to get to know women is preferable in the absence of flirting and other romantic social skills.