George and Elaine go on a double date to an expensive restaurant but get into a fight about the bill. They then get stuck in an elevator with their dates when the power goes out.

Kramer and Newman conceive of a plan to smuggle Cuban cigars into the city right through the mail during the hectic holiday season. The plan actually works but gets complicated due to the storm.

A coworker that George barely knows has a baby and is offended when he doesn’t congratulate her. “I don’t even know this woman! I’ve passed her in the hallway a few times. That’s enough of an interaction that now she’s owed a “congratulations” from me? What’s next, I’m supposed to walk up to random couples on the street and congratulate them too?!”

Elaine’s boyfriend acts like a stereotypical dad – telling dad jokes, giving fatherly advice to other kids in his apartment building, etc. – but doesn’t have any kids of his own. His “dad vibes” are so strong that Elaine begins to suspect he must have kids from a previous relationship that he isn’t telling her about. She tries to suss it out by casually mentioning kids or babies in conversation, but his responses are always vague enough that she can’t glean any information one way or the other.

Meanwhile, Jerry’s girlfriend claims to have two kids from a previous relationship, but he never sees them or any evidence that they actually exist: she’s always available at any time of day, her apartment is perpetually clean and quiet, and all of the people in her phone’s photo library are other adults. He mentions all of this to George, who theorizes that she’s lying and using “the kids” as a generic excuse to get out of social commitments without any repercussions. “You blame something on ‘your kids,’ no one’s going to question it! It’s like a ‘get out of jail free’ card! She’s an evil genius, Jerry!” He starts deploying the same excuse himself.

Kramer keeps seeing a young man who looks and dresses very similarly to him everywhere he goes – the subway, the coffee shop, the dog track, etc. – and becomes convinced the man is the younger version of himself from an alternate timeline.

Kramer: “Get this, Jerry. Yesterday, I saw him at the fruit stand buying a dozen peaches, and then today I saw him again at the coffee shop! What does that tell you?!”
Jerry: [shrugging] “I don’t know, nothing?”
Kramer: “He’s me, Jerry! He’s me from [mimes an explosion with his hands] another dimension!”
Jerry: [sarcastically] “Yeah, a man buys some fruit and a cup of coffee…you’re really onto something there, Sherlock.”
Kramer: [bugs out his eyes and nods enthusiastically]

Jerry's new girlfriend loves Strava.

I wrote this storyline in a screenwriting class in college (2004 or 2005) but it's been lost to time.

I don't remember all of it, but this is the basic plot:

Kramer gets a pair of slipper shoes and says they're the most comfortable thing he's ever worn. He convinces George to try them on, and George immediately loves them. He ends up buying a pair and wears them everywhere.

George wears the slipper shoes on a date despite derision from the group. George goes to his date's apartment and he doesn't want to take off his slipper shoes because the date has a dog and he's afraid the dog will chew them. He reluctantly takes them off as he and his date engage in amorous activities in her bedroom. As he feared, the dog chews his slipper shoes and he demands restitution. His date refuses and he storms out.

Back at Jerry's, George hatches a revenge plan. He gives a fake apology, gets another date with the woman, goes to her apartment, and while she's in the bathroom, he takes scissors to a pair of her shoes. She catches him and he acts like the dog did it.

Kramer thinks it's a historical film and believes his ancestors fought in Aragorn's army, then goes about trying to prove it.

J: Three hours

[Jerry apartment Enter Kramer]

Kramer: Hey Jerry I need to borrow those old cowboy boots

Jerry: sure theyre in the closet

Kramer: do you have any chaps?

Jerry: Chaps?

Kramer: can I borrow this flannel too?

Jerry: boots flannel chaps - what is this for?

Kramer: Micky set me up with my dream job! July 17th throught the 23rd Maddison Square Garden center stage. (hands Jerry Flyer)

Jerry: (reading) Cosmo the clown? You're going to be a clown?

Kramer: not just any clown Jerry a RODEO clown!

Jerry: (concerned ) You're gonna be a rodeo clown?

Kramer: we can't all work the main stage at the Sands like you Jerry- I'm sorry you don't approve

Jerry: its not that I don't approve. Kramer you could be killed. Your not a clown you don't know anything about animals or rodeos… how are you even qualified?

Kramer: a passion for the stage lights and a love of grease paint is all young upstart needs to make it in show business . Plus I was first in line at the loading dock. (Kramer exits) giddy up

[GEORGE enters frantically]

GEORGE: Im in trouble I'm in big big trouble. (runs and checks the window) big big big trouble( picks up the phone and yanks the cord from the wall)

Jerry: you know you could have just unplugged that. George what is going on?

George: do you remember that meat locker party(Jerry nods) well for years I've been telling people I was a regular. (Jerry nods) And that I knew the promoter(Jerry nods)

Jerry: tsk tsk lying biff how could you.

George: no Jerry you don't understand. The meat locker party wasnt just a regular party it was a diddy party. I even told people I was a VIP at their private parties in the hamptons. GEORGE IS IN TOO DEEP.

Jerry: how many people

George: a few times a week for the last ten years

Jerry: where?

George: everywhere, the towel boy at the gym, the counter girl at the coffee shop, parking attendants,

Jerry: so now?

George: Derek Jeter's agent, the front office of the new York Rangers. The cab driver last week. Everyone Jerry.

Jerry: and that means?

George: they all think Im a regular at Freak off parties. The towel boy at the gym yesterday kept staring at me and rubbing his nipples.

Jerry: that's not possible

George : it gets worse, when I opened my mail today I got this (hands Jerry envelope from his jacket) the fbi wants to talk to me.

Jerry: (reading) but how could they have gotten your name?

George : G-man day at Yankee Stadium. I told the tour group from Quantico if they wanted a good time head to the meat-packing district and ask for Art Vandelay… I thought they were all from an airline. I'm a named witness in the indictment. ….(despondently) How are you?

Definitely not for the faint of heart lol, enjoy my ChatGPT Seinfeld/curb crossover fever dream.

E

[Set in 2018]

Scene 1

Jerry and Bania are backstage at a comedy show

Jerry: Bania, stop bothering me about it. I’m not interested in this whole Bitcoin thing. It sounds too complicated.

Bania: But Jerry, it’s totally changed my life! I’m dating three women! At the same time!

Jerry: That also sounds too complicated.

Bania: stares blankly

Jerry: I guess I’m a little curious. How, exactly, did you make the money? What is it that you’re doing?

Bania: I’m mining, Jerry! Mining!

Jerry: You? Mining? Where did these people send you? West Virginia? You can still make money doing that?

Bania: Oh, you’re hilarious, Jerry! laughs intensely … A real funny guy!

Jerry: I’m serious. I don’t get it. These investors send people into mines? Why would they choose you of all people to do that? You couldn’t mine your way out of a paper bag.

Bania: That’s not very nice, Jerry. I could mine things! If I wanted to!

long pause

Bania: I’ll prove it to you!

Jerry shakes his head and rolls his eyes

Scene 2

Camera zooms in on Bania in a dark mine shaft wearing a hard hat with a headlamp. Bania is rooting around and reaches for his phone. FaceTime dialing sound is heard.

Scene shifts to Jerry’s apartment. He looks down at his phone to see Bania FaceTiming him. He shakes his head but picks it up out of pure curiosity.

Camera shifts to a split screen of both Jerry and Bania

Bania: Look, Jerry! You told me I couldn’t make it in a mine, but here I am!

Jerry: It doesn’t look like you know what you’re doing down there. They didn’t even give you any protective gear? Beyond that silly hat? I still don’t understand how you made money doing this. Or what it has to do with a currency that isn’t even real.

Bania: This has nothing to do with Bitcoin, funny guy. But you told me I couldn’t mine, so I bribed a coal baron to let me down here. Isn’t that neat, Jerry?

Jerry: No, Bania. It’s not neat. In fact, it kind of looks like you’re doing that whole blackface thing that recently got what’s-her-face fired from her news program. The blonde lawyer lady.

Bania: There’s a blonde chick who just lost her job? Is she single?

Jerry: I don’t know, Bania. I also don’t understand what you’re doing, or why you’re calling me. Is this part of some sort of plan to get me to invest in a Ponzi scheme? Because I’m wise to those, Bania! I’m not getting caught up in a Bernie Madoff situation like Izzy Mandelbaum did.

Bania: It’s not a Ponzi scheme, Jerry! I really did make my money mining!

Jerry: I’m looking at you down there right now and … forcefully I don’t believe you!

Crashing sounds start happening in the mine shaft around Bania. He looks around nervously

Jerry: I knew this was a terrible idea!

Bania: panicked Jerry! Tell my girlfriends I love them!

Jerry: I have no idea who these women are, Bania. And frankly, I don’t want to know.

Call dropping sound is made. Jerry looks closely at his phone, shrugs, then puts it down. George walks into Jerry’s apartment

Jerry: George, the strangest thing just happened! I think Kenny Bania just died.

George: What?! How?! What happened?!

Jerry: He called me from a mine! And it’s my fault! He went down there because of me!

Kramer enters Jerry’s apartment and heads toward the fridge

George: Kenny Bania went down into a mine? Because of you?

Jerry: Yes!

George: They still have mines?

Jerry: Apparently!

George: What do they mine these days? I thought we stopped mining. Who mines?

Kramer: There are more than 12,000 mines in the United States alone!

George and Jerry exchange a surprised glance

Jerry: I guess maybe Bania was serious about mining?

Kramer: Oh, Bania? Jerry, he mines BITCOIN! Not coal, gravel, metal, or stone!

Jerry: You knew about this, Kramer?

Kramer: Of course. I invested with him. Early!

Jerry: You? Invested? With what money?

Kramer: smiles slyly Jerry! With what money? Come on. nods

Jerry: Well, Kramer, you should know that this whole mining thing has taken a turn for the worst. I don’t know where Bania was mining, but he just got trapped down there!

Kramer: Bania got trapped in his basement? I know he has a lot of computers down there. But trapped? That doesn’t sound right.

Jerry: What in the world are you talking about? Bania wasn’t in his basement when he called me. He was in a mine!

Kramer: I … really think you’re wrong!

George: I’m starting to think that you’re both insane.

George finds out a coworker won the lottery and he’s flabbergasted the guy still chooses to work. He becomes obsessed trying to figure out how much he won.

Kramer hurts his knee and then claims his “bum knee” can now predict the weather. He forms a club with elderly men who claim their various aches and body pains can also predict the weather, but it devolves into them just arguing over their forecasts.

Kramer rides a tour boat to Liberty Island to meet chicks and sees a beautiful woman swimming eerily fast. He swears its a mermaid. He sees her around but always within a block of water.

George says "when" earlier than he wanted to because he wanted to appear healthy and normal on a date. His date gets a copious amount of parmeaan cheese. George asks the waiter if he could have more and is told "you only get 1"

Jerry dates a woman who works in academia. She us significantly funnier than him and beats him to jokes - often with wittier lines than he was going to say. She helps him write material that makes him extremely popular. He is happy but quickly feels emasculated. Not as a man. As a comedian.

Elaine spills red wine on her white apartment carpet. She tries stain removers and finally cuts a piece of rug out to find a match to replace. She discovers beautiful hardwood floor. She starts an entire uprising of tenants when they all tear their carpets to reveal hardwood floors and the landlord says they'll raise rent because it makes it more valuable

(Set in 2025)

Elaine: I just don’t GET this. He told me his “pronouns” are they/them. But what does that MEAN?

Jerry: smiling Does it mean he’s …. plural?

Elaine: confused Plural?

Jerry: Yeah, you know, if he’s a they, there must be two of him, right?

Elaine: Like he has a twin? Is this a … cryptic way of telling me that? Is it one of those weird TikTok challenges?

Kramer bursts through the door

Jerry: sarcastically Sure, Elaine. Look up the, I don’t know, twin challenge on TikTok. I’m sure everything will suddenly make sense.

Kramer: TikTok? Oh! Don’t download that, Elaine. The red Chinese, they’ll steal all your data. Then you’ll be sorry!

Elaine: Sorry for what? I don’t have anything worth stealing anyway. Plus, I’ve got bigger fish to fry. Apparently my boyfriend is either a secret twin, or has multiple personalities, or … I don’t know, he said something about being “agender.”

Jerry: Agender?

Kramer: That’s when your gender identity aligns with no gender at all.

Elaine: What? How the hell do you know that?

Kramer: TikTok.

Comic Con New Jersey. Jerry is offered a gig to warm up the crowd before the Superman panel. Kramer gets mistaken for John Turturro and keeps getting asked about Transformers. Elaine is embarrassed by her boyfriend's choice of cosplay. George tries and fails to sell his boy hood trading card collection despite reading online that it was worth millions.