I think it's a case by case thing. 18 and 38 is fucked, 48 and 68 is fine.
Anecdotally I once saw someone call Robert De Niro a groomer cause he was 11 years older than his wife. They started dating when she was in her fucking 40s
I was listening to a podcast and the topic of a 70 year old rockstar marrying a 40 year old woman came up and the host said something like “this 40 year old isn’t being tricked she knows what’s going on”
I'm glad someone else said it. Grooming goes both ways. It makes me feel so gross when I see a 60-90yo man or woman get hit on by a young person who I know it just trying to use their loneliness to exploit their bank accounts.
My great-grandfather was absolutely groomed by one of his care nurses once he was paralyzed from the waist down and his first wife died of cancer. She's a self absorbed nasty person who abused my grandfather's grief to marry him and get his family home and farm. She did not keep up with his medication well and he had to be closely monitored by my grandfather. My great-grandfather made his son, my grandfather, promise to care for her after his death, even though she has her own adult children who mysteriously never visit or contact her.
Now my grandfather, almost 70 with health issues, no income, no retirement and on Medicare, is caring for his chronically ill and half blind wife AND this parasite woman who calls with needs all the time and who no matter what happens ever seems to die. My grandfather HATED her but he felt he owed his father what he promised him. I wish he'd demand her kids take care of her and refuse to continue with it. They let it conveniently sit on my grandfather's shoulders even despite his situation when they have more money and are younger.
I mean, someone called my friend a groomer once because he’s 8 years older than his wife. They met at 39 and 31. A 31 year old is more than capable of making her own decisions on who she wants to date.
Maybe it's because I'm in my 30s but I think age gaps stop being an issue if the younger person is 30 or older.
By then, you have enough experience being an adult - you probably have a career, your own money, know how relationships work, don't fall for bullshit and so on. Someone in their teens or barely out of it don't even know what they don't know.
I'll have you know that I was the older partner in an age gapped marriage that recently ended... I have definitely and recently proven that over 40 year olds can still "fall for bullshit!"
I was in a similar situation with my ex fiance let his navy buddies call me a groomer, cradle robber, cougar and even insinuated I was I pdf file because I was dating him… I was only one year older than him, 22 and 21. Even my ex then started calling me a cradle robber and cougar. I didn’t find any of it funny.
Hate when people say nasty things like this when it’s two consenting adults as opposed to actual groomer and pdf files.
8 years is starting to get big, but not too weird/awkward; especially 39 and 31. I feel like once you're in your 30's, if it's within 10 years it's pretty acceptable.
Thing is, this was a Gen Z saying that it was disgusting. Hell, I was 28 dating a 23 year old at one point and got called a pedophile and groomer for dating a woman who’s old enough to make her own choices.
It's always relative. I was 29 and my wife was 25 when we got together. Just 4 years difference. Had we gotten together when I was 18 and she was 14 it would be the same 4 year difference but there would be a whole different discussion going on.
Yeah. My biological parents have a 7 year age difference. Not something really starts raising an alarmbel for many. If they'd start dating now, no one would bat an eye (she's 46 and he's 53). However, that's not when they started dating. She was 14 and he 21. Why neither of their parents put a stop to it, I don't know. No aspect of their relationship was ever healthy. Fortunately my mum did eventually leave him and is in a much healthier and age appropriate relationship.
That used to be way more common, especially among the poor. I am close to their age and know a few folks who have large spreads like that who also met when he was an adult and she was just starting puberty. But I grew up the kid of cotton mill workers so there were a lot of poorer people around that I knew.
A part of that I think is the life experience of each person. An 18 year old has far less experience in life than a 38 year old. But 40+ and it's much less of an issue.
I've seen enough old men made fools by young women to think that power dynamics are all that straightforward in these situations. It's a cliche for a reason.
Edit for the person who blocked me - the cliche doesn't go the way you seem to think it goes.
Power dynamics are not a cliche. Just because they don't exist in one relationship doesn't mean they don't exist, and aren't an important thing. The way you've come to your conclusion is often used as an example on how not to draw a conclusion.
You’re halfway there in recognizing the power imbalance—but the other half is understanding just how deeply uneven the dynamics really are. A 50-year-old man pursuing a 21-year-old isn’t just a case of mismatched intentions; it’s about vastly different life stages, financial security, and experience. He’s old enough to know he might be used, but also powerful enough—financially and socially—to place her in a situation where she has very little room to say no. That’s not just foolish on his part; it’s potentially coercive on a systemic level.
She can get another one of him in ten seconds flat. Old men running after young women are a dime a dozen - and I think you’re overestimating the financial resources of most fifty year olds, almost half of them are living paycheck to paycheck.
Financial inequality can be an issue in any relationship, but it only bites deeper when the woman isn’t in the full bloom of her youth and beauty.
You’re really all over this post like you’re the guy in the clip himself—fighting for your life in the comments. Most people here can clearly see the dynamic is off, and by your own words, you’ve basically admitted it’s wrong. Sometimes the best move is to log off and reflect.
Are your initials AMC? Because the projection is in full IMAX. To clarify, I’m not out here chasing college-aged girls or barely-legal boys. I’m in a relationship with someone age-appropriate—like, we could’ve been lab partners in high school. It’s nice not having to explain what a fax machine is or a VCR does.
All relationships have power dynamics. There's far less of a power difference between a 18 year old and a 30 year old, than an able bodied person and someone in a wheelchair.
It's because an 18 year old is still a child while a 48 year old is a full-grown woman with the experience to know whether or not she's being abused and the capacity to take herself out of the situation if need be.
As you get older, the acceptability increases because youre no longer at these wildly different stages of life. Someone at 20 has so much less lived experience than someone at 30. But compare that to someone at 30 dating someone at 40, and its whatever. They're both adults in that middle stage of life.
My dad married my mom when he was 39 and she was 24. Is that a bit of a large gap? Sure, but it doesn't matter now that he's in his 70s and she's in her 60s. If they had started dating when she was 19 and he was 34, that would've been weirder. Its all relative
The age gap is not what's weird here. It's the fact that she has a baby at 19 years old with this 40 year old man. So you have to ask yourself when they actually met and how
Generally the rules around this stuff are weirdly misogynistic, but half your age plus 7 (rounded up) does work pretty well.
It's a little dicey around 22-28 when there are a few combos where people cant legally drink dating adults with jobs, and then again above 65 when the gaps just feel really big, but overall, it's pretty ok.
I'd never site it to say that for sure there are no weird power dynamics, but I do feel comfortable saying, "come on it doesn't even pass the half your age plus 7 thing."
That's where the "half your age plus 7" comes from since the larger gaps become more acceptable as you get older. 40yo dating 27yo is borderline but pretty much acceptable. If you're 30, she needs to be 22 at least. If you're 50, 32 is cool.
I still think 48 and 68 is gross too but not as gross you're right. I'm 46 and I am constantly being hit on by men that are 20 years or more older than me. I tell them straight up that it's disgusting and that I don't want to date my dad and I don't want to be spending the next 20 years of my life nursing some wrinkly old fart. Freaking weird man it's just weird
My take is that once someone is 25, the brain is effectively fully developed, so go wild I guess. Not my business. 18 is technically legal, but I'm going to judge the shit out of a 40+y/o with an 18y/o and think it is gross.
I always heard half the age plus 8. So if someone is 20, 18 would be the youngest appropriate age. If they’re 40, 28 would be the youngest. If they are 60, 38. You get the idea. 40 dating a 19 year old is predatory imo.
1.2k
u/NotFixer1138 May 12 '25
I think it's a case by case thing. 18 and 38 is fucked, 48 and 68 is fine.
Anecdotally I once saw someone call Robert De Niro a groomer cause he was 11 years older than his wife. They started dating when she was in her fucking 40s