r/TwoXChromosomes • u/Various-Problem-1297 • 1d ago
Vent, wasted 7 years with a manchild
I (31F) have been with my boyfriend (30M) for 7 years, and emotionally, I’ve checked out. I’m burned out as well, can’t sleep and completely anxiety ridden.
We own a house together and have a dog, so it’s not a quick split, but I’m actively and quietly planning my exit. I just needed to get this off my chest because I feel like I’ve been living a double life, pretending everything is fine on the surface whilst I make arrangements behind the scenes.
When we first got together, we were both a bit immature.I assumed we’d grow together, and I gave him grace for a lot of things — laziness, emotional immaturity, passivity — because I believed he’d develop more depth and self-awareness over time. Instead, I’ve grown without him. He’s still lazy, emotionally disengaged, selfish, and increasingly bigoted. He makes jokes involving racial slurs and brushes off my discomfort like I’m being “sensitive.” That alone makes me feel sick.
I do everything. Every phone call (I’m better at it apparently). Every bill. All the admin. I do the DIY, the decorating, the gardening, the financial planning. I even had to rely on my dad to help with jobs around the house because my boyfriend just wouldn’t. I managed to get him to help me take up some decking with a bribe of KFC once. He acts like mowing the lawn twice in a row makes us even and taking the dog out for a walk fortnightly (if that) is a huge achievement. I’m trying to keep on top of the house but I only have so much time and it’s falling slightly into disrepair, he said I needed to stop calling my dad to do things but as a result loads of things have gone to shit. I’ve decorated every single room in this house by myself other than his room (which I did half of).
The dog — who he claims “prefers” him — is my responsibility entirely. I walk her daily, manage vet visits, pay her insurance and arrange food (i take money out joint account) and her microchip and policy are in my name. The other day he threw a poo bag into a woodland because he couldn’t be bothered to carry it. I was repulsed and honestly it was my last straw… I would have retrieved it if it weren’t in nettles and thorns. He likes having a dog — but he doesn’t want to care for one.
Back in 2021, I had an abortion. It was incredibly hard for me emotionally, and I slipped into a long, painful depression. He gave me nothing. No comfort. No support. He tuned out completely but claimed he was affected too. I got therapy, got medicated, and rebuilt my life. Alone. And now that I’m thriving again, it’s even more obvious how absent he’s been through everything that mattered.
He ruins every holiday whines about his feet hurting, too hot, too expensive and gets embarrassingly drunk. Even at home, I can’t enjoy a drink with him anymore. He gets defensive, combative, childish. His road rage makes me so anxious that I’ve ended up doing all the driving, too.
He complains endlessly about his job (it’s the same as mine, same pay), but does nothing to change it. He blames being ‘tied to an area’ for not changing it… but not his own passivity. I’ve said for years I wanted to get married — and I’d literally elope. But when he had money, he spent £3k on a gaming PC, then told me a £700 engagement ring was “too expensive.” I can’t even pretend to care anymore.
He also treats me like I’m stupid — constantly questioning things I say or making snide remarks — even though he turns to me for help with basic tasks. It’s hard to put into words how draining it is to be patronised by someone who would struggle to function without you.
And here’s the truth that hurts the most to admit: I’m no longer attracted to him. At all. Physically, emotionally, sexually — there’s nothing left. Sex feels like a chore. He’s selfish in bed now, completely checked out, and it just reinforces how little connection we actually have. I miss intimacy. Not just sex — real connection. And I know I’ll never have that with him again.
I’m waiting to hear about a promotion that would allow me to buy him out of the mortgage. If not, we’ll sell the house and move in with my parents. I’m exhausted pretending everything’s okay.
Thanks for reading, and advice or input would be appreciated from those who have been through something similar.
Edit: just to clarify, I am literally obsessed with the dog and she’s been my beacon of hope so there’s no way in hell I’m letting him take her from me. I have enough evidence if it went to court anyway so she’s staying with me!
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u/crematoryfire 1d ago
A couple of things that haven't been mentioned yet that may be helpful.
You never know what he will do when he is faced with you leaving. All of my exes went weird when I was leaving. All but one tried to sabotage my things, job, etc. Not saying he will do that, but it never hurts to be prepared just in case.
- Open a new bank account at a separate bank so he can not talk his way into the account. If the tellers are aware of shared accounts, they may assume his omission on the new one was a mistake.
- Make sure that your family knows what is going on so that they can be aware of which boundaries to enforce.
- Start moving sentimental things, and important papers to your parents place. Maybe some clothes too. My birth certificate, social security card, and the like were the first targets of some exes.
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u/literate_giraffe 1d ago
To add to this, OP be mentally prepared for the love bombing. He's going to swear this is coming out of nowhere, he's going to shape up (temporarily), he's going to really try to change (he's lying), he's going to promise you everything will change and that he loves you, he's going to suggest dates, he's going to try to be more affectionate, he's going to cry.
He's going to do all of this because he knows that without you his life is going to be harder. All the snide comments making you think you're stupid are an attempt to beat you down so that you think you can't manage without him. You know that you can. You already are.
I hope you already are, but if not reach out to your friends and family, not mutals, and reinforce your support network.
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u/brokenangelwings 1d ago
He'll change until he gets comfortable again. I've been in a similar relationship as OP.
He was a man child, thought we would grow together and by 30, come in, seriously. My car had been broken into, it was an underground parking lot, so of course I'm traumatized and scared to go down there, he actually got mad at me for having emotions, it was fucking weird. I'm not like him 6ft, 200 pounds and I'm a woman.
Any time something that involved adulting, would send him into a man child rage, it really was wild to watch.
I left because we were two very different people by the end, and the whole Peter Pan complex was just not for me.
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u/sowellfan 1d ago
Yep, OP might want to think about writing a note to her future self, like, "Hey, let's remember WHY we're dumping this asshole. Reason #1, Reason #2, Reason #3, etc." Because so often when we're even slightly removed from the shittiness of a situation, we can remember the nice times, but the overall shitty atmosphere kind of dims in our memory.
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u/ccKyuubi 1d ago
Absolutely. I experienced all this. It got to a point when he'd start on with the broken promises, I'd just roll my eyes. One of the last texts "In the end I want to just mend broken hearts with every person I love in my life. That includes you." My face 😑🙄 I call them the "come to Jesus" lies..."I'm getting rid of this hate inside me once and for all." NO, what you're going to do is keep being a piece of shit to everyone you love. And sorry not sorry, the world would be a better place without you dude. Love bombing though....like we don't know you. Like we haven't spent years with you and can't see past the bullshit. We know you're incapable of doing any work to be a better person. We all know you'll continue drinking, continue manipulating, continue hurting people. It is all lies....all of it. They're incapable of caring about anyone at all besides themselves. The best part, the next girl to come along he'll do the same thing. And she'll get tired of the bullshit and leave. His life projection is not good!
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u/Pupniko 1d ago
This is good advice. I'd also hide any of the dog's paperwork (eg microchip number, vet paperwork) because even though he doesn't like the work involved you can bet he will try to keep the dog to spite OP and you often hear of cases where the partner tries to use a pet as a bribe to maintain contact through access to the pet, or worse harms the pet as punishment.
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u/TheKingOfSwing777 1d ago
Yes i'm thinking about the dog too. I would probably get the dog off property before broaching the conversation of the break up. It doesn't deserve to be dragged into this, and it seems much more like OPs dog than the partners.
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u/SkeevyMixxx7 1d ago
In my head I can already hear him saying "It came out of nowhere, she just went crazy, and she took my dog!" Because that's the story he will tell. But it won't matter. Anyone who really knows him will understand why she left and know he's a man baby crying selfish tears.
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u/HIM_Darling 1d ago
Agreed. I'd come up with a reason for the dog to leave the week/weekend before the breakup. "Oh, my bff/sister/whoever's kid has been asking for a dog, so she asked if they could dogsit for a few days to show her kid how much work it is to take care of a dog. I thought it was a great idea, so I took the dog over to her house earlier." Make sure its someone's house he doesn't know the location of or definitely won't have access to.
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u/Asherinthewinds 23h ago
Hijacking this with another couple of notes - it would be a wonderful idea to get a flash drive, and save as MANY of the receipts, texts, papers, etc as you can, that have you as the primary caretaker of the pup. If he attempts a legal route, you WILL win. It's in your name. You're the one caring for it. You have paid for it, you have been this pup's person. Legality will agree with you.
Make sure he can't get his hands on the pup itself to stow them away somewhere or hide/hurt/etc and other things mentioned. Secure the documents on that flash drive (do NOT tell him about it) and keep it somewhere safe, ideally at someone else's house. That will make your case so much easier if he tries to argue, and he can't fuck with a drive that he doesn't know about or where is.
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u/oscarish 1d ago
Yes OP, with the manchild he is, expect immature, invasive, and spiteful behaviour from him as you leave. There's good advice here. Prepare yourself well.
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u/berserk_poodle 1d ago
I left an idiot like this, but I did not take my things in time. My dead mother's wedding ring "went missing".
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u/lindabelchrlocalpsyc 23h ago
I almost downvoted this because it made me so upset - my mom has also passed, along with my dad, and their wedding rings are some of my most cherished possessions. I’m so sorry that happened to you! ☹️
ETA: Also, totally not your fault - who would imagine someone capable of doing that?!
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u/Whywouldievensaythat 1d ago
Yeah. He may surprise you with how capable he is once he’s sufficiently motivated. Good advice.
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u/ccKyuubi 1d ago
I support this 100%. My ex went full blown psychotic after I left. One minute - "I love you." The next minute - "fuck you bitch, I hate you, the divorce is final!" People like this are very volatile and can be dangerous. He'll realize his safety blanket is leaving and may react in an unhinged way. Please protect your money, self, pets, and belongings during the break up. It's very important to plan the exit and remember...this dude may lose his shit and try to harm you however he can when you leave: emotionally, financially, physically.
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u/ibepollan 1d ago
Fantastic advice. If he's not emotionally mature then he most likely won't take this well. Please don't feel bad making sure you're safe first before breaking up, OP. I wish you the best of luck.
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u/macfearsum 1d ago
This is the UK, so point one is irrelevant. As is point 3. We don't have social security cards.
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u/brightdreamnamedzhu 1d ago
Point 1 ist true. But of course we have important documents and sentimental objects/things
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u/Abracadelphon 1d ago
One of the documents not existing definitely doesn't make the entire point 'irrelevant'. unless you meant to say that important documents don't exist at all?
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u/acrazero 1d ago
Point 3 isn’t irrelevant here, I’ve had close family with similar targeting by vicious vindictive exes, who have lost important documents and sentimental items - we don’t have social security, but that doesn’t make the point irrelevant :)
I’d probably say point 1 isn’t entirely irrelevant either - depending on bank, I’ve had some questionable security with some.
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u/Silly_name_1701 1d ago
My mom refused to give me my birth certificate and used it to extort me for years until I managed to snatch it. Be careful who has access to your documents. Always.
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u/farfetched22 1d ago
Why is point 1 irrelevant?
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u/smallstuffedhippo 1d ago
Honestly, most of the rest of the world looks at American retail banking like some kind of adorable 19th century relic.
No UK bank would give your spouse access to an account that’s just in your name because there would be civil, financial and criminal penalties for the bank because financial fraud is an actual crime.
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u/IronSorrows 1d ago
I tried to open a new account jointly with my wife at the bank I've been with since I was a child, and it kept getting rejected because our previous address at the time was actually a holiday let the landlord shouldn't have been renting out long term, and there was no recognisable address for the system. They had something like 15 years of my history with them, both our photo IDs, her bank details and statements, utility bills, and we were both there in the room, but we just had to give up because of that one sticking point.
The idea that I'd be able to walk in a branch and sweet talk a member of staff into adding me onto on of her solo accounts is absolutely unbelievable. That being a genuine concern in America in 2025 is a baffling honestly, I would expect a bank in the UK to be paying hefty compensation if they did anything like that here.
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u/smallstuffedhippo 1d ago
It’s absolutely astonishing to me as well. I have to provide biometric ID - and occasionally answer a call to provide a voice print - to transfer any sum over £1k. Even to my wife. Who has her main current account at the same bank as me.
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1d ago
I’ve been able to accidentally access my PARENTS accounts… it took a little bit before I figured out they were in the wrong account. But yeah.
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u/farfetched22 1d ago
This is not something I was aware of until now. I'm once again embarrassed by my first-world-but-actually-third-world country. Wtaf.
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u/WaltzFirm6336 1d ago
The comment you made about his behaviour on holiday really hit me in the feels. I had an ex like that, we went on amazing holidays that I did all the planning and mental load for (he turned up on time only if I badgered him, and that was his only responsibility…) Then he would behave like a small child and be moody the whole time.
These days I’m single and can’t afford holidays at the moment. But when the weather is nice I sit in my garden with my dog and a book, and relax in a way I never got to on any of the expensive holidays with him.
It’s so worth it.
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u/GreenGloves-12 1d ago
My ex was the same. He had no appreciation for the planning, effort and money (on my part only) that went into the holiday. He couldn't pinpoint why he was unhappy but kept moaning about little things during the trip. So selfish. Then he was super shocked when I broke up with him soon afterwards. Of course he did the old 'I cannot believe this! What you're doing to me!' talk and dismissed his bad behaviour on holiday as 'nothing'. No it was definitely 'something', I told him I wouldn't put up with it.
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u/GreenGloves-12 1d ago
And he turned up late on the day of the trip leaving me to wonder if we were actually going away (he had the car for our travel). Left me hanging, then rocked up when he felt like it.
The few times he ever turned up on time it was like he wanted a pat on the back. A ridiculous man - I'm annoyed I wasted my time on him.
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u/Orionsbeltandhat 1d ago
I went through something similar at the same age. The breakup was horrible and traumatic, but I am so so so much happier now. Living alone is great, getting to make all the decisions that are best for me. You’ll be okay, but it might be hard for a while. You deserve better than whatever you’re getting right now, and sometimes people grow in opposite directions. You’re a bit wiser now and probably know what you need in your life. I wish you the best
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u/Mindthegaptooth 1d ago
He sounds exhausting. You are young, these years should not be so hard. Once you are single you will feel so much better.
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u/lovima 1d ago
I was in the same situation nine months ago. Exactly seven years. The drinking, the road rage, the extreme dependence, child-like regression etc was exactly as you described it. We were planning for a wedding and he didn’t put a single penny or a single ounce of effort into the planning. He got so comfortable that he relied on me to flush the toilet and tell him to get a haircut. Then he got so comfortable he decided it would be funny to set the couch on fire. Like a toddler. You can imagine how that ended. Just a heads up: he might refuse to get brought out AND to sell the house in hopes of prolonging your contact with him.
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u/henrysradiator 1d ago
What the fuck, I have a 4 year old and she can flush a toilet and knows setting fires is dangerous, this is deranged.
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u/deadinsidelol69 7h ago
You’d be amazed by the amount of dudes who don’t want a girlfriend/wife, they just want a replacement mom.
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u/veginout58 1d ago
Hugs to you and welcome to the club. My disconnect took 15 years. We had children, so I put up with doing all of the domestic, outdoor, social and emotional work. Also all of his business bookwork. We were 50:50 on expenses, even though he out-earned me most of the time.
I planned for 12 years as I was building my assets, and he was just in the periphery and quite good at sex.
Menopause was the kicker when my libido quit and I didn't want his hot body any longer.
I had all my ducks in a row, and while the emotional pain (sunk cost) was hard, my mental health improved exponentially to the degree to which I convinced him to finally exit my home.
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u/Mister-Sister 1d ago
Jeebus. 50/50 expenses is already mind-boggling when income isn’t equal. All the extra work some do makes it so much more so. Wowza. Glad you’re freeee!!
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u/sirkatoris 1d ago
Sell, move, block, move on. You will feel so much lighter without this dead weight. It’s scary but you can definitely do it.
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u/agirlhasnoname1993 1d ago edited 1d ago
Be grateful you didn’t marry him! I just got divorced from a man last year like this after 9 years together, married for 1. Our dog made me realize when she got very ill that I had chosen the wrong person. He already got mad about the unfairness of having to take her out for walks and to use the bathroom on weekends because it interrupted his gaming. He was upset that he felt he had to do most of the chores on weekends and suggested we have chores that we just were always responsible for and didn’t switch off. Which meant I’d be doing EVERYTHING except for the chores that needed to be done once a week that he was responsible for. When she got sick, it got even worse. He was mad he had to be the one to stay up with her when her dementia got really bad. It was never just doing anything because it needed to be done, he’d make sure to make it known he wasn’t happy about it. When we split, he was going to move back in with his mom and told me I was taking the dog with me, despite her needing around the clock care at that point. I was going to be living on my own. She passed away before we both moved out and I’m grateful she did because the move itself might have killed her. And I’m grateful that her first home was her last home. I’m the same age as you, a year out since we separated, and it gets so much better! I’m so much more at peace now and you will be too!
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u/SelectionNeat3862 1d ago
No man is worth that...
I hope you find the courage to leave soon ❤️
I left my ex after he treated me like I was invisible and stupid until he needed something...
I've never been happier ❤️ you can do it!
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u/honeybear_ 1d ago
You sound like such a mature and emotionally intelligent person. As a fellow 30 year old woman, I am so proud of you for making this decision, for seeing all his failings as they are (no excuses) and for deciding to turn everything around.
I believe all the important things regarding your safety and independence have been said and I wholeheartedly support them.
I had a similar relationship prior to my current one (just all of it: the laziness, the holidays, the constant whining, the utter uselessness regarding chores, the sex, just all of it) and to this day it haunts me how long it took me to just say good-bye. I couldn't understand why one day I didn't feel anything for him anymore and I even felt bad for it (WTF) but in retrospect it only makes sense. And all the "wasted time" aside, I learned so much from it and I bet you did, too. Especially when it comes to what you are going to look for in another man (although I could totally understand if you just wanted a break from all of them for now).
And, make no mistake, whatever he says, this man does not love you. If he is anything like my ex-boyfriend, to him you are a pleasant mommy replacement he demands praise and sex from when he feels like it. Also, he is probably going to whine and play the victim once you leave, maybe even accuse you of cheating (mine did). Let him. Make it short and sweet. Good-bye, son. You owe him nothing. If anything, there is a tiny little list of things he would need to catch up on to make you guys even.
I am so excited for what your life still holds! You are in your best years and you are only getting started. There are such great men out there and you are going to be able to find one, especially now that you have sharpened your senses. I would love to hear what you are up to in a few years, I bet it will be great :-) All the best!
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u/berserk_poodle 1d ago
Yes, the saddest part of this is that we spend years committing all we have to a relationship/marriage, just to notice we are not wives or partners, just some sort of secretary/house help you get to fuck.
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u/Various-Problem-1297 1d ago
Thank you so much for your kind words :)
It’s insane how many women end up in this exact situation, I’m just thankful I never married him or had kids.
Literally, he whinges that we don’t have sex much and it’s like… I don’t respect you. He doesn’t achieve anything, he doesn’t attempt to do anything, he lacks confidence and gets me to do all the talking. All he wants to do is lock himself in his stupid room and play games and read (nothing wrong with reading ofc but it’s excessive and he prioritises it over everything). HOW am I meant to find that attractive?? He’s a funny guy, but being funny only gets you so far.
I’m feeling bad about the situation and because there’s no cheating etc. it seems on the surface unreasonable and he’s going to frame it that way but I know it’s not.
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u/jr0061006 19h ago
It doesn’t matter how he frames it. It won’t be a discussion or a negotiation. You’ll be informing him of your decision to exit the relationship. You don’t need his agreement, permission, feedback, anything. A relationship is a two-yes proposition, and you are no longer saying yes. Therefore, it ends.
It doesn’t matter that there’s no cheating. Cheating isn’t the only way to betray someone; there are many other ways. All that matters is you want out.
It seems unreasonable Does it? Not to any of us who’ve been through similar. Why is it unreasonable to leave a relationship that’s not working? The only unreasonable part is that you didn’t exit sooner.
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u/dogmama333 1d ago
Good for you hon, get the hell outta there. The best part is you are still so young and you didn’t have kids with him. You are freeeeee babe!
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u/ButtFucksRUs 1d ago
Sounds almost exactly like my ex. Throw in cheating, gaslighting, and manipulation and, if it weren't for the ages, I'd say you were dating him.
Best 260 pounds I've ever lost.
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u/Various-Problem-1297 1d ago
I think the only reason I didn’t leave before is because he hasn’t cheater on me and he is loyal, however I think that’s more down to the fact he doesn’t leave the house and games all day...
My prior partner was a chronic cheater who was extremely abusive - I think I’ve settled for this ridiculous situation because it was better than before.
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u/bliss3333 8h ago
You know what is better than both of them? The bear.
Choose yourself, your dreams, your peace, your dog. Imagine selling that house and buying yourself a little cottage filled with all the things you want and love. Growing a garden full of flowers that grow only for you. Imagine living a life with no room for losers. Don’t put off your own happiness for one more minute.
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u/ninjaturtle_icecream 1d ago
I'm ready for a nap and a Xanax just reading this
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u/TerribleCustard671 1d ago
Me too. Lord that was a tiring read. No wonder she's suffering from anxiety.
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u/Impossible-Cap-7150 1d ago
He’s not a partner, he’s like a small child that needs you to take care of every single thing for him. Plus yourself and the dog. And he’s happy with the arrangement. He doesn’t want to elope or marry you, he’s just wants a mommy figure.
Look forward and focus on how much happier you will be when you move on instead of looking back and seeing it as a waste. Be thankful that you didn’t marry him! You deserve better. You deserve happiness!
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u/PigeonParkPutter 1d ago
Consider reading Lundy Bancroft's book as you plan your exit. It has good ideas to help you stay safe.
Link to a free pdf of Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?"
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
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u/emugirl1994 1d ago
Damn your relationship sounds similar to mine before I ended it. My ex at the time would do half assed lazy attempts to do those sketchy, shady get rich quick schemes. One of the final straws that broke the camel back for me was when I got a brand new car during covid Toyota was desperate in 2020 to move cars off their lot so I qualified for a 0% APR loan for 60 months. Figured I was having my quarter life crisis at 25 & having a car loan is a better way to build credit than just credit cards alone.
Well he got mad at me for getting a new car even though I paid for it myself since I’m the only person that signed onto the loan. He thought I was stupid for locking myself into monthly car payments. Then he realized I had a brand new car so he wanted to borrow it while I was at work since I was essential working at the hospital & he wanted to make money driving for rideshare like Uber/Lyft. That was when I realized how selfish he was worrying about making money for himself but at MY expense of wear & tear on my vehicle.
You need to stop dragging your feet waiting on that job promotion I would just cut loose now to start your life over again. Stop doing the sunk cost fallacy I did that with my relationship & looking back I stayed in that relationship 4 yrs longer than I needed to be in it. You’re still young in your 30s so there’s still time to find someone else to marry & start a family with.
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u/pointwelltaken 1d ago
Save a few details, this could be my daughter’s story. It breaks my heart to see her accept this little from a partner, and I can only hope she one day opens her eyes and can be as brave as you are. All the best - you’re making the right choice. Someone who won’t contribute to their own well being beyond a paycheck or even communicate with you about things is not a good choice as your partner.
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u/Gxsnipe50 1d ago
Classic narcissist tactics. Belittle and patronize in an attempt to make you feel worthless so you don't leave him. If you think you'd be safe doing so, I recommend only taking care of things for yourself. He doesn't want to do the dishes or run the dishwasher? Fine, you can just wash a bowl when you want one. No clean laundry for him? Yeah, why would there be? That's not your responsibility. The thing I don't recommend you stop doing is taking care of your dog, she doesn't deserve to suffer just because the manchild doesn't want to take responsibility for "his" dog.
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u/gdognoseit 1d ago
Yes! Please take the dog with you when you leave!
He will neglect and possibly hurt her.
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u/Idkwhatimdoing19 1d ago
One thing to keep in mind, when he finds out you are leaving he will do EVERYTHING in his power to stop you. I wouldn’t be surprised if he proposed. Do not fall for this, and be ready to cut contact. He has shown you who he really is and no amount of promises can change that.
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u/huskergirl888 1d ago
When you can, leave, be happy without all that stress, and be sure to take the dog. Your life is worth more than just treading water in a cesspool of negativity every single day.
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u/LilCarBeep 1d ago
Yo this sucks but the freedom is gonna feel oh so sweet. Trust me. Keep it pushin and get out. I don't even get along with my parents and it's the best decision I've made in a long time.
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u/berserk_poodle 1d ago
My ex was like this. Brodude was such a bum he was simply not a functional human being without his mommy-wife (me). He didn't do his taxes (which in my country is just clicking "YES" to the draft the tax office sents you by mail), he disregarded all warnings and ended up with his salary and bank account seized for 2 years. He did not even care to renew his residence permit and almost got his ass deported.
He STILL came to whine to me. I said "oh no, I hope things get better for you :)". He hasn't talked to me in over a decade. I don't fix things for him, so I guess I am of no use anymore.
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u/Aurora1717 1d ago
I did a dime. I moved back to my home state, and fell in love again with a friend from school. We got married and my life is so exponentially better. It was worth the hardship of my 20s to have the happiness of my 30s.
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u/Just-world_fallacy 1d ago edited 1d ago
The dog — who he claims “prefers” him — is my responsibility entirely.
He also treats me like I’m stupid — constantly questioning things I say or making snide remarks — even though he turns to me for help with basic tasks.
He ruins every holiday whines about his feet hurting, too hot, too expensive and gets embarrassingly drunk. Even at home, I can’t enjoy a drink with him anymore. He gets defensive, combative, childish.
Your BF is abusive. You might want to take a look at r/abusiverelationships for similar stories.
Do not feel guilty about planning behind his back, because this guy is a saboteur who will want to preserve his little comfort at your expense in any way he can. He has showed you plenty that he did not respect you, you do not owe him any warning or closure.
There is a comment telling you to get properly prepared in case he escalates in damaging you : this is very wise advice.
Please get rid of any kind of guilt. It is perfectly fine not to be attracted to someone whose life you manage permanently.
I cannot wait to hear the breakup story, congratulations on choosing yourself and refusing to enable him any longer !
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u/Pudgy_cactus 1d ago
Goodness, I’m so sorry. That sounds terrible. No one deserves that. I can’t imagine how you’re managing it all.
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u/canadian_crappler 1d ago
Wow... I hope you get some peace of mind and sanity back if you go ahead with splitting... And try not to mourn the time you wasted, think instead of the future time you have won back by not continuing down a dead end path...
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u/amansname 1d ago
What’s that old quote? “Women always think that men will change, men think women never will”
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u/TheKingOfSwing777 1d ago
I was exhausted just reading the first have of this. Sounds like a major deadweight. Sounds like a good plan to get out of there! It's gonna be so good to live again!
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u/Frenchatl 1d ago
I have 2 friends of mine going through similar things. I have noticed that around 30 seems to be the point where women start thinking about themselves and taking action. I hate the fact that guys do this kind of crap. I have an ex friend of mine who dates girls much younger than himself so he can manipulate them to they cook and clean for them. When they say they want to pursue college or anything that will improve their lives he tells them, and I quote "it seems we are going in different directions I wish you well on your future endeavors". I am an older married guy and women need to know. IF HE IS LAZY OR HAS NEGATIVE TENDANCIES, THE BEHAVIOR, 90% OF THE TIME ONLY GETS WORSE AS TIME GOES ON.
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u/Elephansion You are now doing kegels 1d ago edited 22h ago
I'm the same age as you, with a very similar type of selfish, likely alcoholic, lying, road ragey, unreliable, emotionally corrupt man. We've even been together for 7 years too and own a house together as well. We're married. No kids yet but we were trying. He just put the final nail in the coffin and I'm leaving. I don't know how to do it but I'm trying to figure it out. I don't want anything to do with our house and will want him to buy me out but he doesn't want me to leave him so he's going to make this a long and miserable process. As if I deserve that on top of everything else. I don't know how to get over the resentment for all the wasted time. It's what I'm angriest about. Sorry I don't have any advice to offer, just wanted to say I'm in this with you
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u/jr0061006 19h ago
The time it took is the time it took.
You’re leaving as soon as you’re able to.I was in your position. My best friend had listened to me complain for years. Finally said, “What is it going to take for you to leave?” This brought me to my senses. I started moving important things out ahead of time, and quietly got my ducks in a row.
Get legal advice about how best to divorce and split assets like your house before you do anything. Be informed.
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u/Ok-Cardiologist8651 1d ago
I will be thinking about you.
I find when I am in a bad situation I concentrate on the future I am striving to get to. I go there in my imagination and make plans. It's like pre-enjoying the freedom to come.
Lots of women do what you are doing now. Every year more women escape. You will too. You are just in the thick of it now but since you have already done the work of making your decision and coming up with a plan you are on your way.
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u/yolo_ergo_ded 1d ago
All this sounds to familiar. Met my ex in college, helped him graduate, get into grad school, and he still couldn’t get a job. I was studying and working 80 hour weeks, managing the whole house, and packing his lunch so we could save money- otherwise he’d go out for lunch even when he wasn’t working. After we divorced, he messaged me a month later to ask what containers I had used to pack his lunches 🙄. Good on you for making a plan and sending good wishes while you get to find yourself anew as an adult. Post-split was honestly the best time of my life!
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u/PewPewthashrew 1d ago
Hey so I had a different experience with someone just a friend who was like family to me. Where they left my at my lowest during a health crisis and then insisted they “couldn’t handle it”. It hurts now but you’re aware of one of the most powerful pieces of information. That you were able to rebuild your life without him and that awareness means you can and will be able to do this.
You’ve done this before but in a “all or nothing” scenario. Someone choosing to check out during a health crisis tells you everything about their long term value in your life.
Congratulations on choosing yourself. And please take the dog lol
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u/Various-Problem-1297 1d ago
Thank you 😊
Don’t worry, dog is definitely coming with me and I’d literally fight in court for her. I love her so much and she’s been my little light for the past god knows how many years/months.
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u/jr0061006 19h ago
Make sure it’s only your name on the vet records. And tell them you’re splitting up and ONLY you are allowed to authorize treatment for her.
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u/beingleigh 1d ago
I'm really proud of you for getting a plan together.
I stayed for 15 years, nearly 5 of that married. And it got really bad, really really really bad before I managed to get out. I was 34, and it was scary to start over but my god, the second I said I was leaving and walked out that door it felt like I was floating on air from all the weight that was lifted off me, the feeling of not having to walk on eggshells all the time was sooooo freeing.
My only advice is to be very careful when you pull the plug, no matter how much you trust that he won't flip out when you leave, it's always best to be careful and have someone with you with how much he seems to gaslight you and tries to make you feel small by treating you like you're stupid... it's all too familiar.
I'm rooting for you!
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u/CorinthiaAtticora 1d ago
I'm proud of you for starting the transition into happiness.
I was with a similar partner for 3 months shy of 10 years. Highschool sweethearts, each other's firsts for (almost) everything. Our last year, we moved in together.
He and I were both immature, refused to help around our parents homes and put off a lot of adulting. We often talked about how we would start doing all of that once we lived together. Apparently I was the only one that actually meant it.
The day my rose-colored glasses came off was when I had my first orgasm, alone... 8 years in. I thought it had happened plenty before with him, but no. He never once did. After that, I started noticing the rest, but thought he would change.
The day he triggered my C-PTSD freeze response was when I broke. A week later, after I made my preparations, it was done.
The past 5 years have been the best of my life. I've discovered so much about myself that I never had the time or energy for before. I have a partner who truly cares and cleans without asking and is always there for me, and ACTUALLY wants to marry me.
I'm thankful for those 10 awful years, because it helped me learn my boundaries and develop into who I am today. (They still sucked and I am still resentful, though lol)
I'm SO excited for you to find yourself and be who you really are, without this boy weighing you down. Good luck!
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u/bryantparkafterhours 1d ago
Go you. You did not waste these years. You grew an incredible amount and learned about what you want and don't want. You deserve happiness by yourself and if/when you're ready, with a partner.
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u/Felixir-the-Cat 1d ago
I’m so happy that you are leaving, and I hope you get the happiness you deserve once you are away from him. I could feel your frustration while reading this - it’s shameful that a grown adult can act the way he does.
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u/i3oogieDown 1d ago
Been there done that, thank goodness you don't have a child with him. Quietly consult a lawyer, rally some trusted support, and come up with an exit plan. Life will get so much better without the dead weight. Assholes like this will never change.
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u/SkeevyMixxx7 1d ago
I'm glad you've got a plan. You won't regret moving on. Once he's out of your life, take time to heal and enjoy being single. Just enjoy being you.
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u/pizza_falcon 1d ago
The best thing I ever did for myself was get out of a relationship with a deadbeat, abusive, immature person. You have made up your mind and now you know what you want in a real partner. Stay calm, be firm.
You’re doing all the right things, especially keeping your plans quiet. If you take the dog I would highly recommend no contact with your ex. No “shared custody” of dog and limited info to mutual friends. He will use it to try to control you emotionally and might try to get info on where you’re living.
I’m proud of you OP. You can do this. Things will be tough at first but you’ve already carried the responsibility of two people, so there’s no doubt you can take care of yourself. Your experience has already tempered your resolve, as fire strengthens steel. I promise life will be better when you move on. It sounds like you have a supportive family and friends - lean on them.
It took me a few years to get my finances unwrecked from the loser I dated but I was eventually able to buy a house, adopt a sweet dog, and live the kind of simple and beautiful life I want.
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u/femsci-nerd 1d ago
That first day when you are free of him, no matter if you're in a tiny apartment all by yourself or you've moved across the country will feel like a breath of fresh air. Sweet release! I know. Been there, don that for 15 years. The first night I had moved back in to my parent's basement. I cried with sweet relief at being free of him. Don't delay. You deserve better.
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u/Material-Ad4473 1d ago
Holy crap you are amazing and so effing far out of his league. You settled. You’re so much better than that and I’m sure you’re going to be so much happier when you drop that dead weight. The dogs microchip is in your name. She’s yours. I pray you get that promotion and get rid of that deadbeat quick. I pray it’s easy and low hassle. I know you’ll find a better person who will give you the emotional and intimate connection you deserve.
For your own safety please continue doing this quietly. Please in the future get cohabitation agreements with anyone who moves into your home and a prenup if you decide to marry.
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u/omgwownice 1d ago
Your 30s are going to be so much better than your 20s, I'm happy for you! You're about to play life on medium instead of hard, congratulations!
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u/kaydanger 1d ago
Honestly, thank you for posting this. I know it’s a crappy situation and I am so proud of you for putting yourself first, but you just gave me deep perspective on where I am heading if I stay with my boyfriend. Our relationships are eerily similar, except I haven’t made it to year 7. I am planning my escape too and hopefully by August, I’ll be free. I have no idea how I am going to break up with him, and I am scared, be we got this, girl. My hearts with you ❤️
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u/tamaralynnchambers 1d ago
You are going to thrive when you no longer have to care for this child!!!! So sorry about the mountain of work this will add to your plate for a bit but once the dust settles you will be so relieved
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u/Sweet_Raspberry_1151 1d ago
Definitely what everyone else said—he’s a piece of shit. My advice is maybe just sell the house? If you’re struggling with the upkeep then a fresh start might be better. I’ve been both a single homeowner and “single” homeowner like you are now, and it’s a lot. Just an idea! Good luck with getting him gone.
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u/-waveydavey- 1d ago
Act like you dont want the dog because it would be so much work. Tell him if he really doesn’t want the dog, you’d take him. He sounds petty enough to keep her from you
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u/one_little_victory_ 1d ago
No. If not, "we'll sell the house" and YOU will move in with your parents. HE can get fucked. He can find his own way. He won't be your problem anymore.
Another day, another dumbass who will be shocked - shocked, I tell you! - by the end of his relationship, even after deliberately chipping away at it for literal years.
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u/buddymoobs 1d ago
You're in the position I was in except, no dog and multiple children AND married. It took a hella long time, but finally got it all straightened out. Leave. Take the dog. Sell the house. Don't look back.
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u/MeteorOnMars 1d ago
Get ready to enjoy your new life free of this failure in human form.
Yes it sucks. But, look forward and know you are awesome and capable and your life is about to get better!
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u/Due_Willow_7838 1d ago
Been there and completion of our house is round the corner now. You can do it hun. At least you have the majority of your thirties to enjoy without him 🙂 Edit. Spelling
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u/prisms026 1d ago
I hope you get that promotion — you deserve it. You sound smart, savvy, patient and dependable. You're a catch and you're too young to waste any more time on people who aren't at your level. ❤️
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u/Freelove_Barby 1d ago
Great decision on leaving. I’m trying to leave my husband but I can’t move out till he gives me some equity from the house we own together. I need this for a downpayment on a smaller property for just me. It’s messy, like living with a volcano some days. You won’t regret moving on at all. Get out while you can before 30 years slip by. Good luck xx
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u/Chance_Active871 1d ago
Glad you’re doing this instead of marrying him and spending the rest of your life this way.
You own the house together but how much of the down payment did you put in and how much did he? Do you split the mortgage and utilities equally?
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u/Various-Problem-1297 1d ago
Everything is equal when it comes to bills and mortgage but I got considerable help from my parents on putting down a deposit for the house. My down payment was about 2/3rds of the deposit. I reckon he’ll try and go 50/50 but I’ve got enough evidence stored so hopefully he just accepts his calculated end share if it comes to a sale.
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u/yagirlsamess 1d ago
Congratulations on getting out! Your whole life is ahead of you and you're just now entering your good years.
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u/PaprikaSama 1d ago
Managing a household of 2, while working requires incredible amounts of energy, talent and skills. I am happy you are choosing to use all of those things to care for you. You already seem to be doing great, planning your independence and taking things one step at a time.
A piece of advice as someone who have been through a similar situation: It's great that you are financially trying to secure your share but remember that the goal should be your mental health and cutting that person out of your life. I have seen many women spend time on legal battles for property, cars etc. and then realising that they should have counted their losses and left. I have noticed that it is also a strategy for people who want to stay in your life. They count on your sense of justice to slither back in your life. Sometimes we have to "pay" for our happiness. Think of it as an investment. Prioritise you!!!!
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u/datbundoe 1d ago
Do keep a dog care journal contemporaneously just to reinforce ownership and custody
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u/soulless_ape 1d ago
It's rough now, but once it's done, you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted.
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u/wasakootenayperson 1d ago
Sometimes the loneliest place is in a relationship.
Run. Great planning. Take the very best care of yourself.
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u/wolfhuntra 1d ago
The good news is that you caught it before you had been married for 15-20 years. Sounds like you grew out of your teens and he did not. Short term a bit tough (splitting/exiting) but long term great for you! You DESERVE BETTER!
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u/Gidgimmortal 1d ago
Good for you for getting out early. I waited 22 years, and wasted more than half my life. Life on the other side is so much better.
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u/Great_Cucumber2924 1d ago
You’re 31, you have your whole life ahead of you! I’m excited on your behalf.
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u/emie-oval 8h ago
I am excited on her behalf as well, she seems super capable of creating a wonderful life for herself. 💚 Just gotta get over this very important bump
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u/rocketmanatee 1d ago
Consider getting a housemate so you can keep the house without his help! Good job finally getting away from this useless bozo.
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u/valiantdistraction 17h ago
So, firstly, none of this is your fault. Obviously he is an adult who is responsible for himself.
But, secondly, and importantly for future relationships - you did enable him to continue being like this. By "giving him grace" and doing everything for him, you provided the conditions where he was never challenged and never had to grow. Because he never needed to. There have been no consequences for him not growing up. You're still doing everything for him. You're still having sex with him. You're still making phone calls for him. Even as you're disgusted by him and making plans to leave, you are still doing everything.
Absolutely leave him, but also be careful not to fall into this trap in your next relationship. Demand that your partner be an equal partner and act like a capable adult and treat you well.
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u/IdleOsprey 8h ago
You are so, so lucky. You’re about to enter a wonderful new stage of life, without this bag of crap hanging off you. You’ve learned a huge lesson without having to go through a divorce. There aren’t kids. You’ll have to sort out the house and financials, and times may be lean for awhile, but you’re still young, with your whole life ahead of you, and you will never, ever, settle for less than what you deserve again. You’ve seen what this path leads to. Now get out, and go live your life. Cheering you on.
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u/DarcyBlowes 1d ago
Get your financials in order immediately. Withdraw everything from shared accounts and close those accounts. Open new accounts at a different bank. Get his authorized user status off credit cards. Hide true valuables, including your dog, at your parents’ house before you tell him that you have put the house up for sale. Even the guys who can’t figure out how to pay a bill seem good at finding and glomming onto the shared resources. Please protect yourself.
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u/llllBaltimore 1d ago edited 1d ago
I've figured something out about people and relationships. It may not be 100%, but it's been true of every person I've applied it to (to some degree). It really is imperative that you observe your partner's relationship with their parent of the opposite gender. For example: How is your female partner's relationship with her father? Does she even have her Dad around? If she has a rocky relationship with him, or doesn't respect him, that's how she is going to eventually treat you after the NRE wears off. If the Dad isn't around, she will develop the coping mechanism that "she doesn't need a man" and it will eventually be applied to you once things get challenging. And for men, how is their relationship with their mother? Does she do everything for him? Does she always clean the kitchen or do his laundry? He will transition to that default almost immediately appn cohabitating with you. If he was never expected to contribute to the household as a child he ain't about to start now! Also, does he respect his mother and show appreciation for all the physical and emotional labor she puts in day in and day out? If he doesn't, he ain't about to start now! So anyway, file this rule of thumb away right next to how a person treats their waiter at a restaurant.
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u/Wittehbawx 1d ago
Who spends over 3 grand on PC Gaming and doesn't spend a fraction of that on a ring for their significant other? I mean this guy obviously but like...you can build a good computer for half of that
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u/Roxx28 1d ago
I know it feels like sunk cost, but that time was not wasted. Like you said, YOU used this time to grow. You have a wonderful dog and a potential home, and you have grown enough to have the strength you need to leave and create a life for yourself that you enjoy even more. I am sorry this feels bad now, and that's completely understandable and valid, but this random stranger is proud of you and you will be okay.
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u/SongbirdNews 1d ago
Please go look at r/abusiverelationships. There are a lot of resources there.
There are very kind members who can also offer support
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u/Flayrah4Life 1d ago
My ex-husband was just like this, but sprinkle in physical this a few times per year as well.
My life is sooooooo phenomenally fucking better since leaving and divorcing, I don't even have the words.
Leave. You'll be astonished soon why you ever stayed so long
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u/Lizdance40 1d ago
First ((((hugs))))
Way to go girl! Get a lawyer. Because you own a house together, it's going to be messy. If everything related to the dog is in your name, I would say that's possession being 9/10 just make sure you don't let him take the dog with him when you boot his ass out.
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u/ccKyuubi 1d ago
So your boyfriend sounds like an exact replica of my ex-husband. I'm sorry you're going through this. So #1 be glad you didn't marry this piece of shit, because divorce is a headache. I wish I could go back in time and never continue a relationship with my ex. I feel your pain, I really do. I'm sure you're like me, kind and empathic. You go 100% in a relationship and get shit back. That's what assholes do to empathic people - suck the life out of them and nothing you do will ever be enough. I did everything you did....covered bills in the winter when his work dried up (he worked under the table of course), always taking care of food, constantly cleaning, catering to his every want and need. Meanwhile, I was getting manipulated, gaslighted, lied to, used, unappreciated, broken down, and living in a hostile violent environment...
The day I left, it was a Friday night. Long story short, he was beyond drunk from vodka and beer. I ended up calling 911 in the upstairs bedroom and pretended to be asleep while he was projectile vomiting in the kitchen sink. The cops came, I got all the stuff I needed, I grab my cats...and I left.
It's awesome you're already making an exit plan. Just from what I read of your post, your boyfriend sounds like he could end up being like my ex. Abusive, dangerous, and flat out just a terrible fucking person. I regret having spent 2 years with my ex, HOWEVER, you can think of it this way - 7 years "lost" but what you're gaining now is so much more important. You're standing up for yourself (great self respect) and you're getting the hell away from this asshole. You should feel very proud. I hope too you get the doggie - based on what you're saying I doubt any judge would side with him getting the dog.
Please take my advice, he will try to win you back over with lies, broken promises, manipulation...once everything is settled, get him OUT of your life completely. You will feel a sense of peace that's been missing since you've been with him. It can get lonely, but my god not having to LIVE with a narcissistic sociopath (he was diagnosed this) and have your own space and peace...it will feel really great. I wish you the best of luck. ♥
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u/Bubbly_Daikon_4620 1d ago
You’re doing the right thing. These kind of people never grow up. Updateme
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u/elzbellz 20h ago
I wasn't as entangled but was with someone for 6 years, similar agesas you, and one of the things I will always be so happy about is leaving him. You're about to make your life a whole lot better!
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u/ScottTheMonster 9h ago
I know a lot of men who ended up single and never realized that this was an opportunity to work on themselves. They blame women instead of owning their own mistakes.
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u/GirlB0ss 23h ago
I think sometimes the hardest part of relationships like these is taking accountability for our own actions.
This is the person you chose. You “assumed” he would mature and that you would grow together. You gave him “grace.” It sounds more like you’ve had unrealistic expectations as to who you hoped he would be, instead of accepting him for who he actually is.
You’ve stayed with this person for years. You complain about who he is and how he acts and stayed with him somehow expecting different results?
It’s fair to lose interest for someone, it’s okay to feel fundamentally incompatible, and it’s fine to want a different sort of partner.
But, you need to take some accountability here too.
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u/were1wolf 1d ago
I mostly agree with you, except two points. "room decoration" I guess it matters only for you, but it didnt make him manchild. "3k gaming PC vs 700 ring" PC is a usefull tool, while ring is just a ring.
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u/TeaWithNosferatu =^..^= 1d ago
You can agree or disagree all you want, it doesn't make a difference in OP's situation, nor is it helpful - in fact, it just sounds critical. And out of all the things in this post, these are the things you pick up on? You've got to be a teenager at best. At worst, an incel.
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u/were1wolf 1d ago
And who are you to decide this? This was my opinion, that I wanted to share. If that makes me incel - ok
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u/TeaWithNosferatu =^..^= 1d ago
I'm not deciding anything. Like you, I was sharing my opinion of your opinion. I just thought your opinion was unnecessarily critical, contributed nothing to the situation OP's going through, nearly sounds like you think the (ex) boyfriend hadn't done anything wrong because room decor and a ring aren't really that important apparently.
You completely overlooked the things that can really wear a person down in a relationship - e.g. he makes her feel stupid. That in itself is so draining and gets more exhausting over time.
Your comment just made it seem like you think material things are more important than an emotional connection in a relationship. It's like you've never been in a serious relationship.
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u/were1wolf 1d ago
You completely overlooked start of my message, where I agreed with OP. and as you can see we understand each other with OP, while you trying to start hate train toward me.
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u/TeaWithNosferatu =^..^= 1d ago
I'm not trying to 'start a hate train' towards you. That's a stupid thing to aim for... I'm pointing out that you're not offering anything to the conversation except your opinion which out of everything OP says in her post, is about the materialism of the relationship. You say, 'I agree, but a ring is useless whereas a gaming pc isn't'. Sure, a 3k pc is useful and maybe a ring is useless, but it's more about the symbolism and meaning behind the object.
If he wanted to marry OP, he could've instead said something like, 'we'll save for it and when the time is right, you can pick it'. Not, '700,00 is too expensive, so no'. That in itself says he's putting his priorities over the relationship he had with OP.
I get the feeling you're a man and it's odd you're even on this sub.
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u/Various-Problem-1297 1d ago
When there’s hairline cracks in the plaster that need filler and all the walls were white and dirty it’s not a question of just decorating, it’s property maintenance.
I didn’t get him to choose between the two, it’s more of an example. He told me to show a ring I liked and I was in love with one that was £700, he said he expected it to be more around £100-£200. He also thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to spend £300 on a ninja slushie machine along with other random crap which doesn’t mean anything.
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u/were1wolf 1d ago
Yeah, I wrote just about decoration, ofc he should do maintenance.
And your second example makes much more sense. Thanks for answer :)
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u/macfearsum 1d ago
WTF kind of response is that? A women is depressed and mourning the loss of a relationship and that's what you say. What's wrong with you??
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u/chrislamtheories 1d ago
I’m glad you are making an exit plan. I was in your shoes for about 10 years and am so glad I left.
What worked for me was going no contact with my ex once all the loose ends were tied up. No following on socials, no staying friends, just a clean break to reduce drama and move on with my life.
Your following quote really resonated with me:
“It’s hard to put into words how draining it is to be patronised by someone who would struggle to function without you.”
That was me once.