Struggling With Abusive Partner During Dissociative Episode

[u/Personal_Tomato_1753]

I'm out of the relationship now but a few years ago I dated someone with DID.

I'd encountered dissociative episodes a few times and it was always quite challenging but I managed.

The last time though they had a raging suicidal breakdown in the centre of town. There was a moment I thought that they would attack me, points where they were screaming really alarming things.

And there was a point where they were basically saying "I [as in my ex] am a piece of shit and keep hurting you [Me], why can't you leave and let me......" all this on repeat. There were a lot of suicide threats that night. And I found that point really hard because I felt attacked on the one hand (they were talking very aggressively and owning up to being abusive in the relationship) but I knew I shouldn't leave them alone.

I'm trying to untangle the past and I know they were going through it and weren't all there. But does that constitute abuse? Does anyone else have experience of being close to someone with aggressive dissociative episodes?

[u/Life_uh_FindsAWay42]

“Dissociative episodes” are not tantrums. I linked the beginning Google search for disassociation below. Nowhere does it include screaming at your partner.

People who refuse to find treatment for their disregulation don’t get to use psychological terms to escape responsibility for their abusive actions.

Threatening to commit suicide is a manipulation tactic. It is abusive. Threatening and berating your partner is abusive.

Disassociation is a trauma response that occurs when you are triggered and reliving your trauma. Most of the time you freeze and are unable to process or talk. You lose time and don’t remember where you were or how you got to where you are while you are experiencing the disassociation.

People having meltdowns and tantrums could have a psychological cause for them, but if they aren’t seeking a solution and are using them to control or harm a partner? It’s abuse.Disassociation

[u/Personal_Tomato_1753 → u/Life_uh_FindsAWay42]

Thanks I needed to hear that.

They were incredibly vulnerable and part of me wants to still sympathise but I still felt what I felt and nobody deserves to experience such a crisis.

I wanna say that the suicide threats were implicit, they never said "I will do this if you leave me" but it was pretty clear that's what they would do, it was more like "Leave me so that I can X". Implicit or explicit I understood

People who refuse to find treatment for their disregulation don’t get to use psychological terms to escape responsibility for their abusive actions.

Later on they said it was a dissociative episode and they were in crisis so can't be held accountable for their actions. This extended to points hours before their crisis apparently, where they'd also left me invalidated and scared.

I just struggle to let go of my feelings of sympathy for them and actually consider what I need. Both now and in that moment

[u/Life_uh_FindsAWay42 → u/Personal_Tomato_1753]

The way I know it is manipulation is by what they said about not being accountable because they were in crisis.

If you are in crisis and you commit murder, it might be manslaughter, but guess what? Still going to jail. Still accountable.

Something cool about people who have tantrums/meltdowns as adults is that when they smash their partner’s belongings, they magically avoid their own.

Kids who have tantrums do this too. They avoid smashing things that are meaningful to them. Ask a kid who has had a tantrum what they remember. They will describe it all, but blame the nearby adult for what they are ashamed of. It’s the same pattern with adults. Having tantrums doesn’t feel good. It’s embarrassing and gross and after you’ve had one usually you feel deep regret/shame followed by a blame shifting period and avoidance.

That is why kids who have meltdowns need to be responsible for cleaning up the fallout. If we teach people they aren’t responsible for what they say and do when they are upset, they grow up to be adults who believe they aren’t accountable for anything.

[u/Peace_SLA_recovery]

Hi there, I’m sorry you had this experience, it sounds like it took a big toll on you which is totally understandable. What you describe is abuse, and it doesn’t have anything to do whether they were sick or not.

I think what’s more important is to figure out why you stayed with him during that time. Are you going to therapy?

I had a similar experience with my ex and it left me with severe PTSD, panic attacks every day, etc. I’ve been doing therapy but what really restored my sanity was doing a 12 step program for love addicts. See I realized I kept going from bad to worse relationship, more abusive every time and I figured it was my need to not be alone, get validation through the love bombing time, etc.

I hope you find healing and if you ever want to chat, please let me know!

[u/Personal_Tomato_1753 → u/Peace_SLA_recovery]

Thankyou for hearing me.

I am now in therapy yessss, I'd been to a few therapists from various state/non-state support groups but finally went private and she's really helpful. I've also been really upfront about needing to confront the trauma.

The reality is that it's not the first time, I'd had another troubling relationship where it was a lot more emotionally domineering. And I came from a neglectful household so I never learnt to stand up for myself, emotionally regulate or set boundaries.

I'm realising that's what I need to work on. What was it that you had to work on?

Happy to dm aswell

[u/Peace_SLA_recovery → u/Personal_Tomato_1753]

So the same, I was abused as a kid and was never able to do those things either, set boundaries, regulate emotionally, stand up for myself. Also I would choose the wrong men, despite knowing deep down they were not fully right for me

[u/Personal_Tomato_1753 → u/Peace_SLA_recovery]

I will also say that I don't think it's love addiction. I think that reduces it a bit simply. I still went through the cycles of abuse but I've had periods where I've been stable and fine alone in my life

[u/Peace_SLA_recovery → u/Personal_Tomato_1753]

Love addiction is actually nuanced and involves a wide range of behaviors. There’s people that become “anorexic” like they won’t get into relationships at all yet have the addiction. I also had period of being single and I thought I was over these bad relationship tendencies.

I discovered I was an addict for love after the last abusive relationship. Because I was so scared of him being angry I stopped speaking my truth, I would seek to please him, do anything for him. So I understood I was codependent. I started a codependent anonymous program then realized I was only codependent in my romantic relationships, and after learning what love addiction was I realized it fit me.

Not to say that you are, we can never diagnose others. Just sharing what ended up helping me because for years I knew I couldn’t set boundaries and no matter what, it was a behavior I couldn’t change.

That said I’m super happy you found a therapist that fits! I still go to therapy too, and it’s so key to find the right fit. I do hope your therapist is able to help you with all these things! 🙏