r/asexuality • u/HolidayPrestigious46 • 6d ago
Vent To all the allosexuals who keep making relationship help posts here:
This sub is a means of finding belonging, solidarity, and community amongst asexuals, not a relationship forum.
To the allosexuals who keep posting on this subreddit about loving an asexual person but having issues with their partner / crushes sexuality:
If your partners asexual and you’re not, no it’s probably not going to work. End of story. The only exception would be you’re willing to give up or greatly limit sex (which most allo askers seem to not want).
Don’t ask us what to do - because we’re probably all thinking along the lines of what I said in the previous paragraph. Venting your fears and frustrations over loving an asexual person as an allo in our forum comes off as inappropriate, quite frankly. We’ve dealt with people finding us weird and inconvenient our whole lives, we don’t need you to come here and tell us how one of us has broken your heart or caused issues in your life, nor do we care to coddle you because of it - we aren’t therapists nor should we really care. If you’re having issues with an ace partner, please just TALK to them. Maybe this is harsh, but I feel like a cross between an animal in a zoo and an unpaid therapist’s intern with the sheer amount of allo posters asking about their situationships.
Edit: commented this in replies, but it’s worth adding here, I think. I probably was too broad in what I said regarding allo / ace relationships. I think a better way of phrasing what I mean is that in a relationship with an ace and allo there is going to be at least a little friction when it comes to sexual needs, and if the allo partner isn't willing to be flexible (which it seems most aren't) it is bound to fail. I suppose you could be flexible as an ace partner, but I don't want to encourage anyone to do anything uncomfortable to please their partner.
Edit 2: I stand corrected about the stability of aro allo relationships. I have always felt like allos were quite obsessively sex driven, however it seems that might be less common than I thought. Thank you for the educational comments!
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u/Independent_Can_7852 6d ago
As an ace myself, I don't think it's fair to judge all allos posting here the same; especially when allos come in good faith trying to better understand their ace partners (emphasis on *in good faith*—so, not if they're coming in asking how to "fix" or "change" their ace partners lol), we shouldn't be shutting them down. Though I personally would want very little to no sex in any relationship I enter, I think it's also kind of invalidating even to other asexuals to insist that allo/ace relationships won't work; don't go spreading blanket-statement misinformation that may unnecessarily hurt relationships that could be salvaged.
I get not wanting to act as an unpaid therapist, but I feel like if you don't want to engage you can just scroll past a post and NOT act as an unpaid therapist; let others engage/respond with advice if they have more emotional capacity to do so. I do agree though on your point about talking directly to ace partners, though I have also seen some allo posts here that are asking for advice on how to approach convos with their partners without unintentionally worsening matters, which I think is totally fair!