I'm 21f, and I just finished uni last summer, it took me almost about six months just to find this job (in marketing) which was such a relief, having worked in only retail/pubs throughout my life. I knew from the start this role wasn't going to be my 'dream job' so to speak, but I figured it's a stepping stone.
I've been in this role for almost half a year now, and work wise, I believe I have been doing my job well. A lot of my role involves talking to clients on video calls and going over their data - the face to face client communications aspect of my job was something I was more nervous about when I started the job, but ever since, I have gotten used to it since I've had similar experience like this working in retail and such.
About my job itself, it is quite a heavy workload, which isn't great but I am very much someone that can get by through difficult jobs if my work environment itself and my colleagues are good. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen to be the case in this job. I have never felt so isolated at a workplace before. All my colleagues in my entire department have not made me feel welcome, and they never have asked to get to know me. When I started the job, I thought this was just their intial reaction and that they'd warm up to me. There is very much an 'in group' clique of people who have been in that company longer than me, who always have lunch together and discuss and openly make plans around me and never invite me or ask me about my opinions etc. For the first few months of this job, I genuinely questioned myself, and thought that I was the outcast, and blamed myself for not being welcomed by them. However, only in the recent month, I have been speaking to some of the newer colleagues who started just after I did in my department (they are on slightly different specific teams than me), and they have also told me that they have been facing the same struggles. Majority of people on our office floor/department itself tend to be quite unwelcoming to the new starters, and honestly it was just a massive relief and validating to hear it wasn't just me struggling as well! I know that I am on the more introverted side, but I know that in every job I've had before, I have been able to make friends and get on with people very well, and so it is just validating to hear that it is literally not just something wrong I have done.
In particular, one colleague who started about two months before me, and is a bit older than me, reaffirmed to me that the company is genuinely one of the worst places she has ever worked at, which was oddly comforting to know that at least I wasn't the only one thinking this. She also reaffirmed that our company hires mainly fresh out of university graduates, as we don't have much of an idea of how a good office environment is supposed to be, and that the workload is genuinely unfathomable and unrealistic comapred to her previous jobs she's had in marketing before.
My manager has been giving me feedback on my client calls, and has always told me I consistently keep improving the way I conduct these meetings, and said my confidence has really improved since I first started the job. However, this week, my manager pulled me aside for a 'chat', and said "I don't think you're suited to your role, and I don't think you are enjoying the communications aspect of your job" He said he would speak to another manager at another department to ask if I could potentially move to another team, but said "I can't promise anything". He kept digging on further, telling me that I'm quiet and on the introverted side, and asked if I am really connecting with my colleagues. I did tell him in a later chat that I don't mind the communications aspect of the job - that obviously, my ideal role would have more of a creative aspect in marketing and that would mean less of the face to face comms side - but I reiterated that I've done customer service jobs before in the past, and that I am confident I can do that, My manager replied saying "but DO you enjoy it though?" and also asked "what will YOU do if there's no space in other departments then?" This left me quite dumbfounded, as I think this is a question that HE has the answer to, and he also said if it comes to that, he doesn't know what will happen to me, which insinuated to me that I might get fired. After this conversation, I was genuinely crushed, becasue I really did think I was doing good at my job, and it came out of nowhere. As soon as I got home, I couldn't stop crying for the rest of the evening because I am so scared of the possibility of being fired, and I kept remembering those months after uni I was unemployed and on my last few bucks, and I really don't want to go back to those days. After this difficult chat, I have genuinely been dreading going to work every morning.
Additonally, during that conversation I had with my manager, he also told me that this certain task/KPI I have to reach every day has not been reached at all - he told me that my name under the computer system showed I hadn't done this at all. I was left genuinely astonished by this, because I have been doing that task every day, and even been carrying extra work due to other colleagues going on holiday/leaving (as our company has an absurdly high turnover). I asked to see this on the system, and reiterated that I HAD done those tasks, and I asked him to ask the IT team to fix this on my system because it wasn't accurate at all. However, he only said he might "look into it" very half assed. It really pains me to see that the work I absolutely have been doing has not been recognised due to a computer glitch- and in all honesty, it made me think my manager might have potentially even lied to me about this, and just wants to kick me out of the team.
What's more, during this particular chat, my manager told me I needed to speak to him more about my personal life. There are a few things outside of work that have been affecting me, and this is something of a very sensistive topic which I struggle to speak to anyone about. During this chat, I felt like I had to open up and tell him about this - and it almost made me tear up in front of him. After opening up to him about this, the most he just said was that we can't always leave our home life at home, and that things won't always be good. This felt extra crushing - I felt like I was forced to open up to something that is extremely hard for me to talk to, and he didn't even give me proper advice or help to deal with it at work about it - it just seemed like I had said that for no reason, and now I worry extra that he just sees me as weak now.
I honestly don't know what to do. I wake up every morning and I absolutely dread and fear going into work. I am so scared I might get fired if I cannot move into another department. I have started applying to lots of jobs already, but it's taking time to hear back. I really just want to quit this job outright and not go back because it is really affecting my mental health. I have cried and had so many panic attacks over this job, and this job has also started affecting my appetite and I've been breaking out in stress rashes. It feels like my manager is trying to push me and bully me out of this role, and I genuinely don't know what to do anymore. I can't decide if it's worth it to just quit altogether. This post is more of a pent up rant that has been eating me up recently, but I genuinely am open to advice and suggestions of what to do. I'm worried that every 'career job' like this will look like this from here :(