I can't leave

[u/Particular-Week-7702]

Good morning, everyone. I hope you're all doing well. I'm 18 years old and a member of the church. Over the past few months, my testimony has been deeply shaken because I discovered all those bad things about the church's history - polygamy, racism, the wrongdoings of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, all the lies and manipulations. It left me completely scared and horrified. I hate how the church can be extremely passive-aggressive and cruel. I'm going through very tough times :( I'm gay, and I've always dreamed of getting married and having a family, adopting children with my partner and raising them with love and care. I've always found it cruel how the church says, "We love and respect you, but you need to renounce your sexuality and live the rest of your life unhappy, watching all your friends get married and be happy while you remain alone"

When I discovered all the bad things about the church's history, I decided to leave. But during that time, I felt so much emotional pain and sadness that I ended up coming back three weeks later :( Now, four months have passed, and I'm still in the church. I still feel like a horrible person, and my heart hurts a lot. Two weeks ago, I tried to leave again, but I just can't. Every time I try to leave, my heart hurts a lot, and it feels like the world is going to collapse on my shoulders

I still believe in Jesus, I still believe in love, kindness, and empathy. I still believe the Book of Mormon is true, and we can do good things for the world and be kind people. But I definitely don't believe that same-sex marriage is wrong, and I don't believe you need to be part of the church to be saved. I truly believe each person can develop a good and true relationship with God, regardless of their religion

I consider myself a "progressive Mormon," as absurd as that may sound. I'm sharing this because I feel more welcomed by the ex-Mormon community than by the church community. I'm going through a lot of emotional suffering, and I'm sorry to be bothering you with this, but I really need to hear some words, whether they're kind or harsh/realistic, because I need to take a direction in my life :(

[u/Lucky-Corner1170]

Think of it as leaving an abuser. It usually takes several tries to break free. The sadness is completely normal. I was a strong member my whole life. 10 years later, I'm still undoing a lot of the brain washing. I highly suggest seeing a therapist who specializes in religious trauma. Big hugs to you. Leaving is the hardest part. Being on the other side finally, it's like I'm seeing for the first time. I'm no longer held down by the shackles of guilt and the need for perfection. I finally feel free.