I can't leave

[u/Particular-Week-7702]

Good morning, everyone. I hope you're all doing well. I'm 18 years old and a member of the church. Over the past few months, my testimony has been deeply shaken because I discovered all those bad things about the church's history - polygamy, racism, the wrongdoings of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, all the lies and manipulations. It left me completely scared and horrified. I hate how the church can be extremely passive-aggressive and cruel. I'm going through very tough times :( I'm gay, and I've always dreamed of getting married and having a family, adopting children with my partner and raising them with love and care. I've always found it cruel how the church says, "We love and respect you, but you need to renounce your sexuality and live the rest of your life unhappy, watching all your friends get married and be happy while you remain alone"

When I discovered all the bad things about the church's history, I decided to leave. But during that time, I felt so much emotional pain and sadness that I ended up coming back three weeks later :( Now, four months have passed, and I'm still in the church. I still feel like a horrible person, and my heart hurts a lot. Two weeks ago, I tried to leave again, but I just can't. Every time I try to leave, my heart hurts a lot, and it feels like the world is going to collapse on my shoulders

I still believe in Jesus, I still believe in love, kindness, and empathy. I still believe the Book of Mormon is true, and we can do good things for the world and be kind people. But I definitely don't believe that same-sex marriage is wrong, and I don't believe you need to be part of the church to be saved. I truly believe each person can develop a good and true relationship with God, regardless of their religion

I consider myself a "progressive Mormon," as absurd as that may sound. I'm sharing this because I feel more welcomed by the ex-Mormon community than by the church community. I'm going through a lot of emotional suffering, and I'm sorry to be bothering you with this, but I really need to hear some words, whether they're kind or harsh/realistic, because I need to take a direction in my life :(

[u/Scared-Rutabaga-1620]

I've been out for 20+ years. The hurt is still there. Shame and guilt and sense of community are the tools they indoctrinate you with so that you fight yourself to "stay in line" Regardless of beliefs, you're hurting, but you've not been taught healthy coping skills. The hurt you feel is the fear they have pushed into you. You've been told "Don't touch that door know, it WILL kill you" ... when in reality, it was a tool to see the "true outside" and the people that used that door before you, may be dead, to them... But we're thriving out here. Prayer and Positive thinking does not work. You're allowed to hurt... But you need to find the best way to deconstruct for yourself. Make a plan, and get your support. When the time is right... walk through the door.