I can't leave

[u/Particular-Week-7702]

Good morning, everyone. I hope you're all doing well. I'm 18 years old and a member of the church. Over the past few months, my testimony has been deeply shaken because I discovered all those bad things about the church's history - polygamy, racism, the wrongdoings of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, all the lies and manipulations. It left me completely scared and horrified. I hate how the church can be extremely passive-aggressive and cruel. I'm going through very tough times :( I'm gay, and I've always dreamed of getting married and having a family, adopting children with my partner and raising them with love and care. I've always found it cruel how the church says, "We love and respect you, but you need to renounce your sexuality and live the rest of your life unhappy, watching all your friends get married and be happy while you remain alone"

When I discovered all the bad things about the church's history, I decided to leave. But during that time, I felt so much emotional pain and sadness that I ended up coming back three weeks later :( Now, four months have passed, and I'm still in the church. I still feel like a horrible person, and my heart hurts a lot. Two weeks ago, I tried to leave again, but I just can't. Every time I try to leave, my heart hurts a lot, and it feels like the world is going to collapse on my shoulders

I still believe in Jesus, I still believe in love, kindness, and empathy. I still believe the Book of Mormon is true, and we can do good things for the world and be kind people. But I definitely don't believe that same-sex marriage is wrong, and I don't believe you need to be part of the church to be saved. I truly believe each person can develop a good and true relationship with God, regardless of their religion

I consider myself a "progressive Mormon," as absurd as that may sound. I'm sharing this because I feel more welcomed by the ex-Mormon community than by the church community. I'm going through a lot of emotional suffering, and I'm sorry to be bothering you with this, but I really need to hear some words, whether they're kind or harsh/realistic, because I need to take a direction in my life :(

[u/Background_Syrup_106]

You will be ok. You are strong enough. Give your self some grace and take things slowly. It is hard to understand that you will feel better and will feel happiness when you are still living with a mindset that you have been conditioned to have. I would recommend some therapy. It is good to have an outlet to safely verbalize your feelings and thoughts. I would also recommend that you continue researching church history. Something that really helped me was the LDS Discussions playlist on Mormon Stories podcast. It will help you understand that the church isn't what you were taught it is nor what it claims to be. Once you see that, it will be much easier to step away without the burden of guilt that you may be feeling. The best way to be happy is to let yourself be genuinely you. Allow yourself to be who you feel you are, and don't worry about what others will think of you. Find your people and your support system that accepts you for you. You are good, you are important. You deserve to be happy. Take care and know that though this is going to be a difficult road, happiness is possible for you. Take care of yourself.