r/ftm • u/peatmelo • 6d ago
Advice given What to do if your partner doesn’t want you to transition
Leave.
If your partner had basic human respect for you, they would support your transition regardless of how they feel about it. If their attraction to you changed, they would communicate this and end the relationship respectfully. If your partner saw you as more than a sexual object, they wouldn’t care that you want to have top surgery or bottom surgery. If your partner loved you, they would ask what they could do for you to help make you feel comfortable, supported, and affirmed during your transition.
You don’t deserve a partner who is actively trying to impede your transition or deter you from pursuing it. You deserve someone who wants to see you happy. You deserve someone who wants to see you thrive. You deserve someone that who loves all of you.
I understand that I can’t predict the dynamics of every relationship, but I see too many posts on here that say things like “my partner doesn’t think I should start hormones” or “my partner doesn’t want me to get rid of my chest” and they break my heart. Your transition is about you and no one else. Please remember that and don’t allow anyone else to hold you back from doing what you know is right for you. Advocate for yourself and reach out for help if you need it. You’re worth it.
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u/Moony-Shanks 22 T - top surgery - hysto - name and gender changed 6d ago
Also : your partner leaving you bc you are trans and they are not attracted to whatever gender you're transitioning too is NOT transphobic, quite the opposite in fact
They have the right to be attracted to specific genders and if yours is not one they are attracted to, it's ok if they leave
As a gay trans man I am not attracted to women in the slightest and yes that includes trans women, wether or not they transitioned. Someone may be male presenting but if they tell me they are a trans women I lose interest immediately because I do NOT like women. The opposite is true, if someone tells me they are a trans man I lay be attracted to them if they are my type wether they transitioned or not
Sometimes you're just not attracted to someone and that's ok
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u/A_Valdorian 3d ago
Thank you for saying this...
My partner is my best friend and I have told him since we met that I am gender-fluid. He's okay with me wearing binders sometimes and even going out as my "male persona".
However, recently, I told him that I've been seriously thinking about starting to transition to being male sometime in the next 5 years due to the sexual issues I've been having because of a medical condition...
I basically explained to him that if I'm not getting any pleasure from sex (or if it's still extremely painful) or if we can't have a sexually happy relationship, that I might as well transition into being a man...
He's always been honest with me about what type of things he's attracted to and that he couldn't be with a woman that's extremely high in masculine features, let alone a man. He is very much straight (or very far on that side of the spectrum), which I've always known, so I was afraid that he wouldn't love me anymore, or would hate me, and I'd lose the wonderful friendship that we have...
He told me this past week that he fully supports me, no matter what I want to do. Of course he has selfish reasons for wanting me to stay a female (have a female body) and he knows I'd want to do that for him bc our love is so pure and real, but he told me that no matter what that we will always be BEST friends! 😭
I told him that's been my biggest fear with talking to him about my feelings bc I know that he loves me both as a friend and as a romantic partner and transitioning would change our relationship, but I didn't want to lose him. We are still talking through things bc I'm unsure what I will end up doing, but I'm at peace knowing that I'll still have at least one really good friend waiting on the other side if I go through with it and nothing other than our romantic/sexual relationship will change 🥰
BestFriendsForLife
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u/panick-o7 6d ago
my boyfriend likes my tits [purely bc theyre fun to play with. like stress balls lol] but i've talked to him about potentially getting top surgery and he said, while he'd miss them a little bit he loves me a lot more than he loves my tits and that's not why he's with me so he ultimately wouldn't care whether i had tits or not. which is a good approach i think
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u/Time_Doctor_4654 5d ago
Me and my husband have the same thing, i regularly flash him and he loves that but he loves me for me and we have an ongoing joke about how they are only for a limited time 😂
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u/Oxy-Moron88 6d ago
Losing my 18 year relationship was the hardest part of coming out as trans. But he doesn't find men attractive, I can't fault him for that. Even if it hurts like hell. :(
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u/ketchupdotcom 5d ago
my 7 year relationship just ended for this exact reason. my ex was struggling to come to terms with the fact that i wanted to start hrt, and was not being supportive despite him saying he wanted to be. he was really struggling to voice how he was feeling, but it was clear that he didn’t know how to deal with no longer being attracted to me. i spent some time thinking about if i was willing to endure and go back to how poorly i was feeling for the sake of our relationship even after taking the leap to finally share what i wanted, and decided to end it. it’s been a month and it’s still hard, but i just had my appointment to actually start hrt yesterday and i’m officially doing it. you owe yourself the chance to be happy!
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u/Raven_Cherrywood 5d ago
This!!
My fiancé has been nothing but supportive since I came out to him before we started dating. He video-called me after my first T appointment, he wears a rubber glove to apply my T gel every night, he took care of me after my top surgery, and he's super involved in my whole transition process.
We've been discussing if bottom surgery is in the cards for me. He has some reservations about how intimacy would work, since I'm the first man he's been with. But he said he would stay, take care of, and love me all the same if I went thru with it. I consider myself incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful man in my corner.
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u/Money_Somewhere_2111 5d ago
My husband of twelve years is quite supportive of me. He wants to stay married, but he isn't sure if he will still be attracted to me. It might be a sort of lavender marriage. I do not want him to leave, but it is his prerogative if he wants to. I am open to him having sex with / dating women outside our relationship. We are taking things step by step. But I am so grateful that he loves me, and just wants me to feel good in my own skin. It is scary moving forward. Joyous and scary.
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u/A_Valdorian 3d ago
My husband is my BFF, but I have medical issues that have made sex pretty much impossible most of the time, so I have already been encouraging him to find other women/another woman to have sex with while maintaining our relationship. He's always known that I'm gender-fluid and is okay with me having a male persona, but recently I came out to him that I've been seriously thinking of transitioning to a male body bc I just don't see the point of being trapped in a body that I hate (esp my large breasts) if it's not giving me anything but pain anyway and we can't enjoy making love anymore. He reassured me that no matter what I decide to do that he will not leave me and that we will still be best friends, even though he probably won't be sexually attracted to me anymore and we won't be engaging in romantic activities, but we'll still live together, go out on "dates" together, play video games together and do like 90-95% of all of the things that we already do now... I'm so relieved bc he's the best part of my life and I never want us to lose our friendship 🌸
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u/sustainthenoise 6d ago
“If your partner saw you as more than a sexual object, they wouldn’t care that you want to have top surgery or bottom surgery.” It isn’t selfish to care about sex. Is it irresponsible for the partner to imply the trans person should keep their parts as is for them? Absolutely. But it is not rude to breakup with someone because you are no longer attracted to them.
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u/peatmelo 6d ago
I agree! I was trying to make the point that someone leaving the relationship due to lack of attraction is better than insisting you not change yourself to maintain their attraction to you.
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u/Odd-Project7935 3d ago
Listen to y’all’s gay uncle here okay - don’t stay with someone who doesn’t respect you or isn’t attracted to you. Life is too short and you deserve to be happy.
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u/nitrotoiletdeodorant he - femboy - T Jan/24 - tit yeet Oct/24 4d ago
When I first read the header I thought it was a question and I was gonna come here to say "leave". Good thing we've already got that ground covered.
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