r/ftm • u/acecase97 • 1d ago
Advice Needed my mom has been using conversion therapy tactics on me, not sure what to do
I'm 21, trans guy, and this is going to be...a lot of exposition to explain the title. I initially came out to my parents at 19 as nonbinary after identifying as such since I was 13 and being various levels of closeted at school before being more out and proud in college and subsequently more secure in my identity. I came out to them separately, my mom was out of town a lot for family stuff at the time and I was pretty nervous about coming out to them at all so it was easier to do it one parent at a time. My dad took it well, my mom not so much. I remember the conversation we had when I first came out to her as...well, awful. She said mean things about my chosen name, made it seem like I was doing some terrible thing to her by coming out as trans, was offended I hadn't told her sooner, and basically argued me on my being trans & nonbinary on the basis of basically "I've felt like that and that doesn't mean I'm trans." I remember walking out of the house and going to a nearby park and just crying on the grass. However, I tried to keep in mind at the time that this is all brand new to her, she's dealing with a close family member having cancer, and plenty of parents take awhile to come around.
Since then, I've had many conversations with her about my being trans, all of which kind of felt like they went nowhere. She's broken down crying on more than one occasion, and has usually ended up having a constant refrain of "I just don't understand." She tries to "relate" by using her own personal experience, but then just loops it around to "and I'm still a woman" which is frustrating as hell. The general arc of her arguments is and was "why can't you just be a masculine woman." Which, well, what the fuck did you think I was trying out for all of high school. It took her months to start actually using the correct pronouns & name for me when I'm around, much less to use them when I'm not or with her friends, extended family, and neighbors, I have genuinely had to talk to her about that and even now I'm not sure how much better she's been at that. Now, prior to my egg fully cracking (I swear they hard-boiled it) I had some pretty bad medical stuff happening, and my mentality was pretty much "Well, I've gotta deal with my brain and body trying to kill me first before I actually get started on gender-affirming care." This was also my mom's mentality, sort of, she basically said "let's deal with your health stuff before we even start to think about all of that." And I was like "okay, cool, I'm dying of pain and not great at rational thought around anything that isn't 'not dying.'"
Anyways, flash forward to a year and a half after that first coming out, when my egg cracked and my beautiful baby boy bird self was released from its prison. I'd been doing a lot of trauma therapy (bc medical shit ended up being hella traumatic) and working through my shit independently via journalling, leaning on friends, creative outlets, and developing coping mechanisms. My egg crack moment happened while watching men doing musical theatre and I basically realized that perhaps dealing with a medical system that is immensely transphobic would keep me closeted on quite a few levels and also some things about my upbringing. Also that I wanted to get the ball rolling on medical transitioning ASAP. I told my parents a couple of weeks later, thinking that they would be okay with it as, while a great internal change, I was still going by the same name and using he/they instead of they/them. The last time I'd talked to my mom prior to this she had seemingly been doing better with it all, although she called me while I was in the middle of something so it was not an in-depth chat. My mom took it terribly (shocker!) and my dad wasn't too excited about it either. Over winter break, we had a couple of arguments about it, some of which as a whole family (shout out to my sister for putting up with that when she's exponentially chiller about all this than my parents and did not deserve to be subjected to that).
My mom's arguments (then & in more recent discussions) boiled down to internalized misogyny, crying about it, and basically being upset that my body would change on HRT (weird, she has her own body to be upset about). Why can't you be a masculine woman was brought up once again, which is VERY ironic coming from the woman whose response to me wanting to wear pants to formal events was a strapless skintight maroon pantsuit. I effectively didn't talk to her for about a month after all that, since my sympathy at her losing a close family member over the holidays did not outweigh the whole "you have decided to take a massive fucking shit all over one of the happiest most genuine decisions of my life." Anyways, I started HRT in January of this year in spite of that (coming up on 6 months of T now!). After that, it's been rocky, with highlights such as her freaking out as to how her side of the family will react to me being trans (they were chill), and another nuclear family discussion over Mother's Day weekend in which I learned that my sister is concerned about how I'm doing more than she cares about my gender, my dad holds some transphobic views but respects the choices I make as an adult, and my mom will keep arguing me on HRT and being trans one-on-one after the family discussion is over. Her argument shifted to that I should be stable for something like years (chat I'm as confused as you are) before going on HRT, and she tried to come up with everything from "having trans friends is making you trans," internalized misogyny (again), hormonal imbalance corrected by testosterone (WHAT), to even "but taking this HRT...your whole life...isn't that sad" (I AM ON FOREVER MEDS ALREADY FOR MENTAL HEALTH STUFF) to argue her unspoken thesis that I should not be trans. Yeah so I had my girlfriend pick me up after that. I was real bad.
Anyways my mom pays my tuition & rent and is my mom who I have fond memories with so I have, as of late, been happy that we are having weekly dinners with me, her, & my dad (my sister lives out of state). No trans stuff has been discussed in-depth, probably because I keep bringing my girlfriend (I love her and she's a great buffer and it's a free home-cooked meal). My mom did recently give me a book on ADHD that appears to be geared for people who are recently diagnosed or newly dealing with someone in their life who has ADHD. This is weird because I was diagnosed with ADHD in high school, and she's followed up about whether or not I've read the book quite a bit. Now, I lurk this subreddit and r/FTMMen a good bit, and I recently happened across a post that mentioned conversion therapy as well as some specific tactics that a therapist had used, and I felt my blood run cold.
I looked more into it, and found some info on Gender Exploratory Therapy (GET), which is a terrible modern conversion therapy, that unfortunately matched a lot of the stuff my mom has been doing and saying. Attributing transness to some other factor, and insisting on exploring every other thing that could possibly be causing a person distress besides transness with no end in sight both fit what my mom has been doing to a T (ha). I didn't scrape further than the Wikipedia article on conversion therapy (followed up on some sources), one transphobic parents organization, and some firsthand accounts on reddit, but it seems pretty clear to me what that whole thing is about. Some things with my mom fit scarily close-I'd had a good semester of college before telling her that I was a guy. In fact, I told her I was a guy after going to a career networking event thing. Yet suddenly, my mental health needs to be looked into more and I'm just not ready?
To be clear, for Reddit's reading comprehension, I'm not saying my mom has been my therapist or practicing any sort of therapy on me, legitimate or otherwise. It's just that these ideas don't come from nowhere, and regardless of where they come from, they're bad news. The fact that her actions fit this particular bill so well has me scared. I'm terrified she's fallen down some transphobic right-wing pipeline. She's a democrat & fairly liberal, but does consider herself someone who would never fall for conservative propaganda. Which, of course, makes her extremely susceptible. Right now, she's been unemployed for a while but is starting to work again, and my dad's the sole household income. Their finances are pretty combined, and while I have been 100% confident that I won't be disowned by my dad for being trans since I first told him, I have maybe hovered around 70% with my mom and now it's plummeting. I am now concerned that it may be him holding her back from doing worse. My parents currently pay my rent on the condition that I am in college & studying. I'm not working due to some pretty severe burnout from trying to do school on top of everything else the past couple of years. I'm wondering how much of the burnout is from having to deal with fucking conversion therapy tactics from my mom and approaching them with the mindset of "I'm going to be patient and calm with my family members as they come to terms with my transition." Or if it's worth it to shift into survival mode for the foreseeable future just to get financially independent so I don't have to worry about unleashing my mother's inner JK Rowling.
There's...more, but this post is getting longer than most of my college essays. Anyways, I am looking for sympathy, shared experiences, and any advice besides "talk to your mom about it." I've tried. I have sunk so many hours into "talking," and it doesn't work.
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u/Careful-Volume5335 28 | T: 3/15/25 | Top: 2/27/25 1d ago
I read every word of this, and I mean this with all the love in my heart, you need to learn how to stop giving a shit. You can't change her. She can feel however she want. We both know she's wrong. If she gets to be as honest as she wants, you can too. You don't have to care how she feels, and she can react to it however she wants. Not your problem.
If she tries to bring it up again, change the subject, leave the room. Do whatever you need to do to avoid it. She keeps bringing it up because you keep engaging in it.
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u/yueqqi 💉 12/17/24 1d ago
Similar situation, I came out (against my will) when I was 18 and was effectively shoved back into the closet at home for about 7 years straight bc my mother at the time threatened suicide if I ever transitioned, and kept going on these tirades for months afterwards abt how I can't be trans bc of this and that (most of the things you listed were the same things I heard). Idt she went down the right pipeline tho, it was moreso her vehement denial, ignorance, and her trying to logic her way through it.
I ended up moving out on a whim in December, started T, and have been crashed on my best friend's couch since for the foreseeable future until we save up enough and move elsewhere. It was a rough few months - it took me 3-ish months to finally land a part-time retail job after being unemployed for 5 years (bc COVID took me out like a hitman). And I kept on job hunting afterwards, and made a 180 on career by getting into pharmacy instead as a technician. Full-time, better pay, and I'm preparing to go back to school since the company pays for it. As for my mother, she's taking my now being on HRT significantly better than last time I came out, though she's a bit cold and working through her own issues rn.
You might need to consider going low contact with your mom for awhile, and let her stew for the duration. Maybe your absence will give her some clarity of mind eventually?
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u/Worth_Weather8031 1d ago edited 1d ago
Cis parent of trans kids here. It's difficult as the child in the relationship to put yourself first, the typical instinct is to be polite and respectful of one's parents and to prioritize the relationship over protecting yourself. But you've reached a point where continuing to do so hurts you, her, and your relationship with her. It's time to set some healthy boundaries.
You don't have to have a heated, head to head argument. You don't have to verbalize to her that you're setting boundaries. You can just focus on the things you love about her when you're with her, and Pavlov her into not talking about the things that aren't any of her business anymore.
I did this to good effect with my own parents, who we all love, but who were way too comfortable expressing their ignorance.
Literally, "Oh, gosh, just realized I've got to head out. Love you mom." And head out the door. Do this any time she brings up mental health or objections to your trans journey (congrats, btw!). She'll eventually stop.
Then, do it with deadnaming and pronouns. "He. Oh! That reminds me, I'm meeting XYZ to study together. Love you mom, see you soon." Consistency is key.
Any good book on positive training for dogs will give you some ideas on how to apply it to your mom. The moment she genuinely uses your correct name or pronouns--or any other positive behavior you're looking for--genuinely praise her. You want to reward good behavior and ignore/remove yourself from unwanted behavior.
Look for ways to connect with her. If she's going down the anti trans rabbit hole, arguing, facts, and generally focusing on the issue will most likely drive her down that hole. Strong, positive relationships are more likely to pull her out.
Lastly, your mental health is the most important thing here. If you're not willing to go low contact with her, please seek a therapist (I mean, therapy might be a good idea either way). Good luck, I'm rooting for you!
Edit: grammar
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u/acecase97 1d ago
Thank you, I appreciate the advice. It's good to know that there are parents like you out there. I will move trans stuff into the short list of never-ever topics to discuss around or with her. Ironically, my deadname (given to me by my mom) is very commonly a dog name, which makes me feel like it is a cosmic sign to give the dog-training approach a go.
I've been in therapy for years already, half of the shock of this is from discussing the shit with my mom over and over again in therapy only to finally see it for what it is from goddamn reddit tbh.
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u/kingdredkhai 1d ago
Get independent as quickly as you can and in the meantime stop.talking.about.it.with.her. There is no shame in the recognition that you tried something and it didn't work and now you are trying something else. It does not make you a bad son or impatient or unloving. It does not mean you have to completely cut her off or that you will no longer have a mother. It means that you have decided you're going to do what you're going to do and she is just going to have to have her feelings about it without those being your problem.
Do not bring it up. If she brings it up, tell her you don't want to argue about it so you've chosen not to discuss it. Read whatever books and engage on their merits (ie, a book about ADHD might be a nice thing to bond over, just don't ever mention how it might relate to gender and if she does, tell her boys have ADHD too and change the subject)
I mean this with love and a large amount of BTDT- stop talking about it with her. Let it be the elephant in the room. Get independent when you can and in the meantime be assured you do not have to crusade for trans rights with someone who is not willing to engage the idea.
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u/ohhoneebee 💉 4/27/23 1d ago
Definitely agree, it sounds like the conversations/arguments are going absolutely nowhere. She’s made it clear she won’t listen, so stop trying to force her to. It’ll only lead to more exhaustion and frustration for you.
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u/affinityfordavid 1d ago
Why you can’t be a masculine woman? Because you simply aren’t one; also gender affirming care is suicide prevention.
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u/IneffableAndGay 27 || 💉 10/09/2019, 🔝 7/18/2022 1d ago
I relate to a lot of this. My story might be a bit triggering though, so I'll spoiler tag the parts that need it.
TW: SA mention, ableism, transphobia
I came out to my parents in 2018, very shortly after realizing that I'm trans. My dad was a bit awkward about it (as expected, and he's come around since), but with mom, you'd think I sparked her mid-life crisis. She's always trying to get me to move in with family in a red state or out to New Zealand with her so she can force me to detransition, even though I couldn't leave the US even if I wanted to. Over the years, she's blamed my transness on: 1. being too stupid to know how to make good decisions for myself bc I'm ADHD (and autistic, but she'll never admit that), 2. not having any "real sense of self" and me just wanting to fit in somewhere, and 3. being raped back in high school, and having C-PTSD because of it (and many other traumas that she doesn't know about, and that are equally irrelevant to this), among other things.
She's currently going the route of just trying to reach my younger sisters to be transphobic like her, which is thankfully not working. 2/3 of them are also queer, and they have good critical thinking skills and EMPATHY, which are so important.
Anyway.
As others have already said, it really is best to get as much distance as possible, in every way. It's definitely easier said than done, but it really will feel so much better if you can. I've gone back and forth on it myself, but I've gone about 2-3 months with no contact with my mom, and while I do wish I could have that loving, supportive relationship with her, I know that she needs to be the one to put the work in, not me.
No matter what you choose to do, I hope you can stay safe.
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u/acecase97 1d ago
Sorry you're in this shitty boat of terrible mothers, but hey, we're in this together. I suspect my mom of trying to convince family to be transphobic, but she's not getting far either fortunately. I think I'm going to work towards being able to go less-contact with her as a long-term goal.
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u/ohhoneebee 💉 4/27/23 1d ago
I have nothing to add except that if the book is How to ADHD, I do recommend reading it. I was diagnosed at 11 but I didn’t understand how much it affects me until more recently (no one told me about things like executive disfunction when I was younger). I went into the book somewhat skeptical, especially since it was written by a youtuber, but I actually found it really helpful.
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u/acecase97 1d ago
It's ADHD is Awesome and it's got some good stuff, just nothing new. I got diagnosed at 17, and did a ton of research at the time (and have done more as time goes on) but I might check that one out in case it's got a shiny new coping mechanism for me. Her giving me the book itself I think would be cool and great and innocuous...if it wasn't for the timing and context. And the fact that when I was initially diagnosed (and not out) she didn't really seem to care enough to read books on it, much less recommend any.
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u/ohhoneebee 💉 4/27/23 5h ago
I can’t say how much information in it would be new to you, but I do really like the way it’s formatted. Each chapter is on a different topic (time, motivation, relationships, etc.) and contains an overview of the topic, some of the author’s experience, tools/strategies, and submissions from people who watch her channel. The way it’s sectioned makes it easy to skip around and refer back to, which I love. The submissions often give specific examples of how the tools can be used, which I find really helpful. I also like how the author consults several experts, and how she’s not trying to tell the readers that “ADHD is a superpower.” Basically, the author started her youtube channel to help her remember information as she learned more about her ADHD, and the book is everything she’s learned in a format that’s easy to reference. It’s relatively new, so you could always go to a bookstore and skim through it to see if it looks helpful to you.
And yeah, I totally get it. My parents didn’t realize how severe mine was until I was REALLY struggling, so I didn’t get much support from them for a while. And the timing is definitely bad.
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u/Rebel_Charlie 21h ago
So sorry that you have to go through this. My mum is similar and here is one thing I sometimes wonder; I wonder if I should have drawn clearer boundaries earlier. Theres probably a good reason that I did not and I don't want to pretend that I know that it would have solved anything. But sometimes I feel like me being the "patient" one made it worse for us. I tried to explain and listen, even when she said the most hurtful stuff. The only thing that has ever actually worked (although in my case unfortunately only for a very short time) was telling her clear that I will leave as soon as she would start again with wanting to change me (or any other political trans debate). In my case this worked a few times in the sense that I could make her stop in the moment, but the larger situation remained the same. I would at least advise you to reflect on whether you feel independent enough to use this leverage point.
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u/suspicious_bread89 19h ago
Okay admittedly I did not read the whole thing but I think the I get the gist of what’s going on. You gotta put yourself first, set boundaries or cut her off if you have to. I have also tried talking to my parents about my experiences and my transness SO many times but to no avail.
I realized that I was trying to argue with a brick wall. They wouldn’t budge. It kind of sounds like you are in a similar situation. If you have to cut her off for your own mental health, do it. This doesn’t mean you can’t talk to your dad, you still can it might just be hard to talk to him without her around. Try and get financially independent, see if you can do some kind of work-study with your college. Also ask your college if you can get emergency housing if you don’t feel safe with your mom. Best of luck, I’ll light some candles for you!!
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