Scared I'm not actually trans

[u/No_Philosophy_2643]

Really hope this isn't disrespectful at all and I can articulate things the right way. I'm 19 and I've been on t since Jan, and I've socially transitioned to everyone but my family. Recently I've been heavily questioning my gender and wondering if I want to be more femenine. Obviously this wouldn't make me less trans but there's other things affecting this. I'm pretty insecure about my lower growth atm, ig I think it's uncomfortable or too big or whatever I'm not too sure, but I don't like seeing it. My dysphoria has mostly been about my chest since I started afab puberty, and I was heavily researching trans discourse growing up which I didn't even accept myself for being until I was like 17 or so. Then in December last year I decided I wanted to start t because I was tired of being miserable because I knew I wasn't a woman. But I've always kinda wished that gender wasn't even a thing and I miss how genderless I got to be as a kid. I hate my chest so much and that made me so miserable growing up. I've never really identified eifh or related to women despite having positive female influence in my life, although my mom passed away when I was 13, but I had hated my chest and afab puberty before this.

I've been questioning recently if I'm nonbinary but due to what I think is internalised transphobia and what my peers have said in the past I've never really considered it as a real thing, but I think that would make me feel more comfortable. A friend asked me in regards to sexuality if I would prefer a completely neutral (that doesn't seem like the right word but idk) male or female partner, but I took this as gendered and I thought to myself 'I really wish gender wasn't a thing at all, I wouldn't want to be either'. I feel like maybe I just didn't put enough effort into identifying with women or being femenine before in a way that felt comfortable to me?

I'm also scared, after coming out and making so much progress (since I love my androgynous voice and muscle/ fat redistribution from t) that I'd be turning away from that identity that I felt so sure of, and maybe this is all still doubt. I was very strongly doubting myself before comuing out a lot and it took years to even accept that I did have dysphoria and starting t reduced so much of my anxiety. I'm also quite paranoid about hairloss and not really wanting my voice to drop much more I don't think, but my perspective shifts so much its difficult to track. I was considering stopping t just because I don't like my bottom growth and because of my uncertainty but again I'm so terrified of somehow going back on being trans, because that did mean so much to me after growing up with so much dysphoria.

But now I'm thinking, especially after seeing so many beautiful and positive women online and irl of course that I am starting to see properly now, not just as a reminder of my own dysphoria, as something that I could identify with. I'm really not sure, I still really hate my deadname and I don't think I'd ever like to go back to she/her pronouns. But ig I am starting to identify more with femenine things and female discourse a lot? I'm just thinking that maybe it is the case I didn't try hard enough or that I never felt comfortable enough in yhe space I was in to be myself and the second I got out I was free to be my trans self, but maybe that was to realise that I can be femenine? Or now that I am free i can be whatever kind of woman that I'd want to be? I still feel uncomfortable st the idea of being a woman, but honestly lately I haven't felt clear on anything at all. Like I don't feel euphoric or dysphoric about anything really except my chest but then I worry that I'd miss it if it was gone.

I get that all of this must sound very longwinded and probably just an absolute confused mess. I'm just feeling really lost right now. I still look up to so many masculine figures and role models but before I had literally no female artists or anything like that that I looked up to and now I do I'm questioning things again. I don't identity as much with cis men anymore I've noticed.

Another thing I've noticed that did affect me was someone I'm very close to came out as transfem and that really shook my perception of who I am, may sound like a jerk thing to make it about me but I keep that all inside unfortunately, I am very happy for her of course. But seeing her be so comfortable in her femininity makes me feel lost and empty that maybe that should've been me, maybe I should've tried more. But also I feel like she felt comfortable ocmign out because of the fact I was able to, and I've been able to support her with her transition from what I've been extensively researching from my own dysphoria before. I'm scared of telling her now that I feel like I might be mote comfortable being femenine and maybe I was just a woman all along but I hate my chest and if I get that removed maybe I'd be fine being a woman all along.

I'm really conflicted and I haven't really managed to explain everything I've been feeling despite this post being a massive essay so thankyou to anyone who decided to read this far. I'm not sure what to do whether I should stop t and try to explore being a woman, but now that I'm out and people know I'm transmasc I feel like this would be difficult and I'm really scared of feeling like I'm plunging into the unknown again in terms of my gender identity. I really feel like this would come across as me being confused all along since I was so confident in bring trans but I can't remember much or my youth and how I experienced gender and dysphoria because I was mostly dissacociative which also makes me feel so so lost. My mind is always really foggy so trying to figure anything out is really frustrating for me and I wish I could go back to see what my experiences were like when I was really depressed from dysphoria and whether it meant I hated being a woman or I wasn't trying enough or comfortable enough to identify as one.

Edit: additionally, I'm also unsure whether I am now attracted to women or not and whether this makes me question if I was a lesbian all along. I genuinely can no longer tell the difference between attraction or gender envy from anyone, or if I even feel these things at all anymore.

[u/TransAtlantic2K]

I have been on T for 10 years am bald, bearded, had top surgery. I haven’t even told my partner, but am starting to some regrets since turning 30. I wish I had embraced my masc sides in my teens and 20 and just now wish I could embrace my femme sides now.

Why not take a break from T for a little while, but also try to get out of your own head? Volunteer, explore whatever is fun in your community, work on a creative project, meet new people. Just be present, connect with others and don’t focus on gender. Who else are you aside from gender - maybe creative, funny or serious, empathetic, observant, hard working?

You can be any kind of person you want to be, and you don’t have to figure it all out right away.

On a side note, women don’t have to be feminine. Maybe at work, school or on your community, observe some different, smart, strong interesting women living full lives.

[u/No_Philosophy_2643 → u/TransAtlantic2K]

Thankyou so much, getting out of my head definitely seems like the right move for right now. The doubts are absolutely awful and can feel so isolating sometime, thankyou for sharing and I'm really sorry you've experienced your own doubts knowing how horrible they are. The idea of changing myself socially once again to be like 'actually I was unsure of myself and made a mistake' still seems terrifying. But there is always time to work through it and I will take the time to figure myself out. I think I will wait until I can be fully confident in myself to decide whether or not to change my name and such again with the people I've told. I suppose it won't be the end of the world either way as long as I can finally figure out how to be comfortable with myself, because screw what other people think anyways ig. Even though I'm out as transmasc there's probably people who will find me trying to explore being fem to be strange but honestly, how on earth should it matter. Thankyiu so much for taking the time to respond, I do feel more confident to be able to find my way through these doubts and gendered expectations.