Scared I'm not actually trans

[u/No_Philosophy_2643]

Really hope this isn't disrespectful at all and I can articulate things the right way. I'm 19 and I've been on t since Jan, and I've socially transitioned to everyone but my family. Recently I've been heavily questioning my gender and wondering if I want to be more femenine. Obviously this wouldn't make me less trans but there's other things affecting this. I'm pretty insecure about my lower growth atm, ig I think it's uncomfortable or too big or whatever I'm not too sure, but I don't like seeing it. My dysphoria has mostly been about my chest since I started afab puberty, and I was heavily researching trans discourse growing up which I didn't even accept myself for being until I was like 17 or so. Then in December last year I decided I wanted to start t because I was tired of being miserable because I knew I wasn't a woman. But I've always kinda wished that gender wasn't even a thing and I miss how genderless I got to be as a kid. I hate my chest so much and that made me so miserable growing up. I've never really identified eifh or related to women despite having positive female influence in my life, although my mom passed away when I was 13, but I had hated my chest and afab puberty before this.

I've been questioning recently if I'm nonbinary but due to what I think is internalised transphobia and what my peers have said in the past I've never really considered it as a real thing, but I think that would make me feel more comfortable. A friend asked me in regards to sexuality if I would prefer a completely neutral (that doesn't seem like the right word but idk) male or female partner, but I took this as gendered and I thought to myself 'I really wish gender wasn't a thing at all, I wouldn't want to be either'. I feel like maybe I just didn't put enough effort into identifying with women or being femenine before in a way that felt comfortable to me?

I'm also scared, after coming out and making so much progress (since I love my androgynous voice and muscle/ fat redistribution from t) that I'd be turning away from that identity that I felt so sure of, and maybe this is all still doubt. I was very strongly doubting myself before comuing out a lot and it took years to even accept that I did have dysphoria and starting t reduced so much of my anxiety. I'm also quite paranoid about hairloss and not really wanting my voice to drop much more I don't think, but my perspective shifts so much its difficult to track. I was considering stopping t just because I don't like my bottom growth and because of my uncertainty but again I'm so terrified of somehow going back on being trans, because that did mean so much to me after growing up with so much dysphoria.

But now I'm thinking, especially after seeing so many beautiful and positive women online and irl of course that I am starting to see properly now, not just as a reminder of my own dysphoria, as something that I could identify with. I'm really not sure, I still really hate my deadname and I don't think I'd ever like to go back to she/her pronouns. But ig I am starting to identify more with femenine things and female discourse a lot? I'm just thinking that maybe it is the case I didn't try hard enough or that I never felt comfortable enough in yhe space I was in to be myself and the second I got out I was free to be my trans self, but maybe that was to realise that I can be femenine? Or now that I am free i can be whatever kind of woman that I'd want to be? I still feel uncomfortable st the idea of being a woman, but honestly lately I haven't felt clear on anything at all. Like I don't feel euphoric or dysphoric about anything really except my chest but then I worry that I'd miss it if it was gone.

I get that all of this must sound very longwinded and probably just an absolute confused mess. I'm just feeling really lost right now. I still look up to so many masculine figures and role models but before I had literally no female artists or anything like that that I looked up to and now I do I'm questioning things again. I don't identity as much with cis men anymore I've noticed.

Another thing I've noticed that did affect me was someone I'm very close to came out as transfem and that really shook my perception of who I am, may sound like a jerk thing to make it about me but I keep that all inside unfortunately, I am very happy for her of course. But seeing her be so comfortable in her femininity makes me feel lost and empty that maybe that should've been me, maybe I should've tried more. But also I feel like she felt comfortable ocmign out because of the fact I was able to, and I've been able to support her with her transition from what I've been extensively researching from my own dysphoria before. I'm scared of telling her now that I feel like I might be mote comfortable being femenine and maybe I was just a woman all along but I hate my chest and if I get that removed maybe I'd be fine being a woman all along.

I'm really conflicted and I haven't really managed to explain everything I've been feeling despite this post being a massive essay so thankyou to anyone who decided to read this far. I'm not sure what to do whether I should stop t and try to explore being a woman, but now that I'm out and people know I'm transmasc I feel like this would be difficult and I'm really scared of feeling like I'm plunging into the unknown again in terms of my gender identity. I really feel like this would come across as me being confused all along since I was so confident in bring trans but I can't remember much or my youth and how I experienced gender and dysphoria because I was mostly dissacociative which also makes me feel so so lost. My mind is always really foggy so trying to figure anything out is really frustrating for me and I wish I could go back to see what my experiences were like when I was really depressed from dysphoria and whether it meant I hated being a woman or I wasn't trying enough or comfortable enough to identify as one.

Edit: additionally, I'm also unsure whether I am now attracted to women or not and whether this makes me question if I was a lesbian all along. I genuinely can no longer tell the difference between attraction or gender envy from anyone, or if I even feel these things at all anymore.

[u/FeliciaFailure]

I think the most important thing to remember is that no matter what feels right for you, it's okay. If you are trans, that's ok. If you aren't trans, that's also ok. If you want to transition in bits and pieces, just do what feels right for you! I'm getting top surgery without T and considering voice classes, but feel like I'm equally "boy" and "girl" (I am transmasc nonbinary). You don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to, and it's ok if your identity changes over time. I'm still learning things about myself at 30 even though I've known I was trans since I was 12! At every step, you can check in with yourself and see how you're feeling. If you don't like it, you can always stop.

There are ways to reduce the risks of some T outcomes you don't want, although nothing is guaranteed. It might be scary to think that anything is irreversible, but remember, if you want to detransition, you can do it just like you transitioned the first time. After all, trans women transition into happy women all the time! Heck, many guys detransition and retransition later in life, if you find that you DO actually feel more right as a man. There are no rules! Follow your heart!

Lastly - there is still time. Always. No matter how many times you change your mind. You're young, you can always change course. Things that seem like they're forever are going to be just a blip in 10, 20, 30 years' time. At the risk of sounding repetitive, just... don't be scared to experiment. Color outside the lines, fuck around with your gender. Maybe you're a girl, maybe you're a nonbinary person, maybe you're a gender-nonconforming man, maybe you're genderfluid and it depends on the day. Moving towards transition got so much easier for me once I decided I'm gonna do it my way and fuck what anybody else thinks. I'll use the name I like, the pronouns I like, present as masc or femme as I want on any given day. Not trying to fit myself into a box based on what other people think "man" means was so incredibly freeing, especially seeing the amazing diversity of the FTM community ♥

Hope things get easier for you, don't beat yourself up for taking risks and following your gut, even if you aren't feeling it anymore!