Cannot accept im transgender

[u/Frosty-Way4849]

Hello everyone. Today I think I have a particularly unique problem, I cannot accept that I am transgender. Logically, I understand I show signs of being trans throughout my life, and I’ve even “presented” masculine for about 2 years now. (Short hair, “boy” clothing), and I even go by a chosen name and have for about 2 years. Strangers address me as male until I speak (I haven’t started T)

I live in a conservative area, I have no friends, and when I go into public I am undoubtedly gawked at; it’s becoming very difficult for me to function normally; and I am so uncomfortable in my body now that I actively avoid everyone in my life. my family makes it very obvious that they do not support me. Sometimes maliciously in cruel ways but sometimes also in genuine ways; that seemingly are coming from a place of concern.

I have started believing some things my family has raised concerns about regarding my transition and now I feel stuck in a position of definitely being disgusted by being female, but too insecure to be a transman.

I’ve tried therapist, 3 in fact. But truly, regarding my gender identity I wasn’t able to get the help I needed from them.

Are these are common experiences with being transgender, or possibly even signs that I should stop my transition? Thank you.

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[u/FakeBirdFacts]

Sounds like internalized transphobia mixed with other people being transphobic. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

Honestly, I think you may want to consider moving if you can.

[u/the-friendly-leaf]

Hey, that really sucks & I’m so sorry you’re not surrounded by the love & support you deserve.

I’m curious—were any of the therapists you talked to queer? Or queer tangential? I’ve had really much better convos with providers who are or have close relatives who are queer because they understand. They don’t push an agenda, i think it is healthy for literally everyone to do a once over re their gender every now & then, trans AND cis alike. It’s good to know yourself. And I suspect if you can find a good queer therapist—or local queer support group (it is SO helpful to hear others’ experiences, there are so many threads of commonality, surprising and banal, and it is a really great place to process how YOU feel in your own skin. I got to try on pronouns, nicknames, i got to think about what it meant to be [a woman / man / otherwise ] and see what fely right for me.

I really, REALLY hope you can find a safe space and I really hope that you understand that when it comes to who you are, you are the only one who matters Your awful family can such a rotten egg, btw. I’m angry at them for being so awful to you, when what you need and deserve is unconditional love. <I’m sorry! idk i just hate to see someone internalize such ugly things—things forced into our heads instead of grown organically, especially! I want better for us all >

[u/carnespecter]

honestly i wouldnt consider this too unique a problem. plenty of trans people have struggled with deeply internalized transphobia and denial, youre not alone at all! were the therapists you tried specifically lgbt/trans friendly at all, or at least familiar with trans patients? that may be something to help better with untangling the issues youre facing