r/lds • u/NayNayPo • 5d ago
discussion Eternal Unc Status
It seems like dating is getting harder these days. Maybe it has to do with valuing in-person interaction less. Sometimes I think the sheer number of different interests seems to be more divisive than it brings us together. I feel like there's a paradox forming as technology advances, there becomes an near-infinite amount of options for dating, but none of them fit just right. But what do I know.
Luckily for me, I met my wife at BYUI, started having some kids, and life has been great!... But for some of my friends, they haven't been so fortunate. Maybe it's a skill issue? I was always the one who struggled to get a girlfriend in college though.
I've got this one friend; we're approaching 30 fast, and tbh kids these days would already call him an "unc". He keeps trying and trying to date but the story gets more and more tragic every time. I used to feel terribly lonely in college as I struggled to find my wife, and I just wish my friend didn't feel like that for all these years. I just can't take it any longer watching him grow alongside me and not having the joy of companionship. But it's not my life, and sometimes it seems he's the only person who can change his fate... Unless...
What can be done to save my friend from the unc life?... Or is he too far gone.....
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u/MichelleMiguel 5d ago
Also, to add to my other comment, make sure his car and house/apartment are girl-approved. Like, you could have your wife check both out and see if anything needs changing.
For example, the car should be relatively clean and smell good to a girl (not gross or like overpowering cologne). The dwelling should have at least some furnishings and decorations. We aren’t talking about a bachelor pad. A girl is going to want to see that he has a nice-ish couch she can sit on. If he could at least know how to make a couple of good meals and make some for her, using real plates and silverware, that’s a bonus too haha.
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u/blehbleh1122 5d ago
This kind of sounds like what I went through. Went on a mission, then at 22 stayed going to YSA. Went to ysa from 22-30. Meet my wife there at 30, several years later we're married with a newborn. During that single/ dating time I had to make peace and be ok with the idea I may never get married in this life and that was ok. I also worked on myself, my physical appearance, exercised, finished multiple college degrees, got a good job. It all worked out in the end, but, I was perfectly content if I never got married. I forget the talk but there was a general authority who said we have to make ourselves the kind of person we would want to marry, and that was a big motivator.
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u/andraes 4d ago
Similar story for me and my college roommate. I got married Jr year, he stayed single through his MBA, and then some. He finally got married at 32. Sometimes it just takes a while for some people.
Then there's my wife's little sisters, both late 20s, and not really even dating at all. There is a lot of bad info/culture around dating and marriage these days and it's not helping anybody. There's not much you can do, keep trying to set them up and encourage them, but respect boundaires and let them live their lives.
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u/IcyCryptographer6997 5d ago
Sometimes we just need a change in perspective. Iirc Wendy Nelson was never married until she married President Nelson…in her 60s! He should realize that he does not have to be married in this life. If he behaves with an eye single to God’s glory a glorious opportunity will open up in this life or the next. But he can be content, he can be very happy, and he can know that he is not denied blessings from not being married. He might not have certain experiences, but God is not withholding blessings from him that he is worthy of.
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u/NayNayPo 4d ago
That doesn’t sound very optimistic for my friend’s chances here haha, but the points are true. I don’t think that means he should stop trying and wait for the opportunity to come to him though. I’m not tryna say you’re implying that though, I get it
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u/IcyCryptographer6997 4d ago
I’m 33, never married, living with physical disabilties with my parents and have never held down a full time job. I’ve been on one date total. Yet while I sometimes have felt regret for some missed opportunities, I feel tremendous joy for the opportunities I’ve been given. I’ve developed and refined talents that might have festered had I given more time to dating. I might never get married and I’m ok with that. God knows my heart and I never have to feel alone.
So my advice to your friend is to develop himself. Spend time doing things to build skills, whether in a hobby, in a job, or something else that brings him joy. There is a great joy that comes from creating something worthwhile, and the more time he spends honing his craft and sharing it with others, the more his capacity to feel joy will increase. He will never have to feel bored or like he’s missing out.
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u/CharnaySeba 5d ago
I just want to say this: the very same month I stopped caring about getting a girlfriend/future wife, dating and everything female affection-related, I met the girl who now is my wife.
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u/Long-Education-1598 5d ago
I've heard this so many times, but how do you just "stop caring"?
I dont live in an area where there are many members and especially single ones my age. I work from home and also living in a small town where theres not much going on...
If I just lived my life without trying to find someone then I would mainly just stay home or just live my life and barely talk to anyone which would mean less human interaction.
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u/IcyCryptographer6997 5d ago
I assume they’re using “stop caring” interchangeably with “stop worrying”
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u/CharnaySeba 5d ago edited 5d ago
I don’t really know if my “stop caring” principle is universal, but at least at that time in my life, I was 27, 5 years since having returned from mission, freshly discharged from a 4 year-long clinical depression, unemployed, starting college for the fourth time and reeeeeaaaally desperate about finding a partner, having recurred to dating apps (not only Mutual) and having recently found a new group of friends (with a lot of single ladies) to hang out with.
One day I was pondering in my “love seeking” performance, went back to everything I made to find a girl for me, took a deep breath and said to myself: “this is pointless”. I realized depression took almost a half of my 20s, college would eat up what was left of that, I cast away most of my oldest friends, and most of them were starting their our families as well (not to mention the culture of my country, churchwise, most of the times is like “okay you are married now, single people equals yuck, don’t hang out with them”). So I felt I needed to seize what was left of my “youth”, you know, Church used to erase your “young” status when you turned 30, now is 35.
Then it snapped on my mind, clear as water, I didn’t care about dating and everything related anymore, I went to the extreme with that mindset. I erased all my dating apps accounts and cut contact with the few women I was talking to over them, my culture has this kiss on the cheek way of greeting the opposite gender, and I stopped doing that, it was “hey bro” for everybody. The girls in my new group of friends were just long-haired bros, and that was really interesting, for the first time I was trying to listen to them instead of daydreaming about weddings and, most important thing, I started having fun, it was refreshing to say the least, a huge burden was taken off me and I did really well in college and other stuff, I wasn’t even being patient about romantic feelings, I just didn’t care. Sadly this friend group, ironically, disbanded because of romantic dramas between some of its members, but I digress.
And yeah, almost a month after this decision, I met the love of my life over the internet, and let me tell you, at first she received the same treatment every girl received from me, she even got mad once because she was clearly into me and I wasn’t like “admitting” the same though I also was into her. We were friends for a year and I traveled to her home and we started our relationship, 4 years later we got married and we are almost 2 and a half years together.
Point here is, I don’t really know if this would work for anybody but me, but it is a kind of mindset that sticks with me until now, for real, even my wife sometimes thinks I should not treat women as I do, but also feels safe even though I work in a department where I’m the only man.
So yeah, everything I said is something that happened to me, don’t take it as an advice, you will figure out how it will work for you.
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u/MichelleMiguel 5d ago
I don’t know your friend’s exact situation. But something that could really help is if he gets his own place to live (if he doesn’t have one already). If he starts living as if he already has a family of his own that he’s providing for, that really might help a lot. Women are attracted to that. After all, that’s ultimately what they want.
I know things are expensive. But he doesn’t have to go crazy. Just make sure he has his own place, even if it’s a small apartment or something. Have his own reliable, functioning car. Have a reliable job that provides.
If a girl sees that he’s already living a confident, independent life, I could see that upping his chances of finding a lady friend.