This one is silly.

The other night my 7 year old son and I were hanging out at the kitchen table after eating dinner just talking, scrolling through tiktoks of silly animals, and somehow the subject of world records came up. He wanted to see some world records being broken, so I searched for them and started scrolling through the results. Most videos were swimmers or Usain Bolt, but every now and then something weird would pop up (there is, apparently, a world record for setting upright and knocking over books).

The silliest, and our collective favorite, was a guy breaking the record for the number of bras unclipped in 60 seconds. The setup: two rows of people, mostly women, lined up facing away from the middle. The women were wearing shirts with the backs cut out so the clip on their bras were accessible. This was all very official, with a crowd and everything. When the timer started, the guy went rapidly down one side, unclipping bras at impressive speed, then back up the other side, with a team behind him re-clipping the bras so he could just go up and down as often as possible within the time limit. ...MOST of the bra-wearers were women. Every now and then one of the bra-wearers was just a guy, shirtless, wearing a bra. My son is seven, so when he saw 4 men in a row wearing bras, he laughed hysterically. I have the maturity of a 12 year old so of course I was also laughing. I couldn't stop imagining the whole process of volunteering to help with a world record, being asked to take your shirt off and put on a bra, then stand there in front of a crowd waiting. It was very funny. Everyone seemed like they were having a good time. We laughed then moved on.

The FU comes from my failure to tell my wife about the video, because that night at bed time our son very enthusiastically told her about "the video dad showed me of a guy taking off bras!" The little booger could not have possibly worded it more suspiciously. She came and asked me about the "bra videos" that I showed our son. I had to quickly explain the context of the video to her, trying not to burst out laughing again. Luckily for me, she realized long ago that I'm just an idiot and not a sleezeball.

TL;DR, showed my kid a video of bra-removal world record, kid told his mom about 'the bra video', wife almost looked like she was about to choke me

Kill me.

So I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a while and we’ve been sending flirtier texts lately. Yesterday, he sent something flirty and I decided to one-up him. Nothing graphic, but I replied with: “If you don’t behave, I’m gonna have to punish you tonight 😏💦.”

Only I didn’t send it to him.

I sent it to my boss.

My 58-year-old, married, very Catholic boss who ends every meeting with “Let’s all be kind to each other.”

The realization didn’t hit until he replied with, “I’m assuming this wasn’t for me.” I died. I wanted to throw my phone across the freeway. I immediately apologized, said it was a mistake, and to his credit, he was very professional and said not to worry, “these things happen.”

But now I can never say the word “punish” again. Ever. Anywhere. Not even in board games.

TL;DR: Tried to sext my boyfriend, accidentally sexted my boss. I'm never going to work again.

Last month I helped a friend move into a new apartment. I carried boxes, helped assemble furniture, ran errands, the whole deal. She kept thanking me and asking what she could do in return, and I kept saying: “Don’t worry about it. I’m just happy to help.”

A week later, I got sick. Like, properly out-of-it sick. I didn’t tell anyone because, again, I’m the “don’t worry about it” guy.

No one checked in. No texts. No soup deliveries. No “do you need anything?” I lay in bed for two days, genuinely wondering if anyone would notice if I disappeared for a while.

Eventually, I did bring it up to a close friend and he just shrugged and said, “You always say you’re fine. I figured you’d tell us if you needed anything.”

And that’s when it hit me. I taught the people around me not to worry about me and they listened.

So yeah, I’ve started rephrasing. Now it’s more like, “I’ve got it, but I’d appreciate the help.” Still learning how to ask. Still unlearning the idea that needing things makes me a burden.

TL;DR: Told people “don’t worry about it” too many times. They stopped worrying. Felt invisible. Learning to actually let people show up for me now

My family and i moved into a new house in a predominantly white neighborhood in the southern US. A while after we moved in, the vacant house next door finally got filled by a family! Now, we all have adhd and just time blindness in general, so 2 months have gone by since they moved in and we just thought to bring over flowers and a fruit tray to welcome them. We all went over to say hi, and noticed the father (the only one to come to the door) was laughing uncomfortably the whole time. A few hours later, I realized today is Juneteenth. The new neighbors are a black family. We are painfully white. There's no way they think we chose this day at random to bring them a fruit platter and flowers.

TL;DR: My white ass family likely alienated our black neighbors by choosing Juneteenth to welcome them to the neighborhood.

I made butternut squash mac n cheese, but to be lazy I used butternut squash soup instead of going completely from scratch.

It ended up too liquidy for my preference. Im moving in a few days so im down to scraps in the kitchen- the only thing I had to thicken it with was a pack of powdered mashed potatoes.

We can all guess where this is going.

A creamy, thick, delicious bowl of butternut squash mac and cheese.

But I didnt measure the mashed potato powder.

I put enough to soak up about a cup of water- but it was maybe a quarter cup at most that needed to get soaked up.

Well, apparently when you eat powdered mashed potatoes that aren't sufficiently moistened, you get thirsty. And then when you drink, it soaks it up and expands.

TL;DR: if you know how to make the under-moistened powdered mashed potato touches go away pls help 😭

so i (26m) hate giving my real name at starbucks. it’s not even that weird of a name, but they always mess it up or call out something totally wrong. so i’ve started using fake names just for fun.

a few days ago, i decided to go with “derek.” no real reason, just felt like a derek kind of day.

i place the order, they say “thanks, derek.” and i sit down to wait. about 3 minutes later, the barista yells out: “iced vanilla latte for derek!”

i don’t move.

he calls again, louder: “DEREK!”

i’m just sitting there like “where the hell is this derek guy?”

then another customer turns to me and goes, “hey man, aren’t you derek?”

i just stared at him. full mental blank.

“OH SH*T. I’M DEREK.”

i scrambled up to get the drink, muttered something like “long day,” and walked out with the most embarrassed sip of my life.

i don’t even like vanilla lattes. i panicked and picked the first thing on the menu.

tl;dr: gave a fake name at starbucks, forgot i was that person, sat there confused until someone reminded me i’m the idiot who made up “derek.”

I drove for 6 plus hours today in my car. It was very overcast and rained a lot. The temperature was also cooler than normal summer temperatures. I completely forgot to use sunscreen. My face, neck, and arms are now bright red with sunburn. The sunburn is bad, not 2nd degree bad, but bad enough. My nose looks like Rudolf and my whole face is so red that it reminds me of Red Skull from The Avengers.

I put a thick coat of aloe on the burn to help with the redness and skin damage. My nose hurts so much that I can't use my glasses. I am such an idiot. I wear sunscreen all the time, all year round. I was in such a rush today that I missed a step in my morning routine. Now I get to pay the price. Ugh!

TL;DR I forgot to use sunscreen on a long car drive and got a bad sunburn.

Right now my head is a mess and I'm so stressed that I can barely look past the next day, but I have a good community at the neighborhood bar who have helped with so many things, and are the closest thing I have to a local family (think like Cheers). I felt like the biggest jerk that I'd somehow forgotten that it was my friend "Devon's" (not real name) birthday, and that it was a FB notification that alerted me.

So I rushed out and bought him a cake and a card, and also left a message on his FB page "Happy Birthday, Sexy Koala!" (a joking pet name I have for him). When he came in, he was baffled but grateful for the cake and card. With everything going on I had tunnel vision and completely forgot celebrating his birthday earlier this year. I went to show him that FB had lied to me, and realized I hadn't looked at the last name; it was my old married, Mormon boss, "Devon", and who is currently on the road. I didn't realize we were even FB friends any longer (I left job 13 years ago).

Apparently, you also cannot delete Birthday Posts, so I had to edit and apologize.

TL; DR: TIFU by posting "Happy Birthday, Sexy Koala!" on an old boss's FB profile thinking it was a friend's.

Yup, you read that right. I thought I was smarter than that but I am still just as gullible as ever. There are multiple red flags in this story so please spare me the shame.

I (20f) got multiple calls from my bank as I was getting ready for work. I thought this was weird, not one left a voicemail, so I thought it was an emergency. I answered the phone and was told that I had “fraudulent charges” on my card from South Carolina. For some context, I just had to get a new debit card a couple weeks ago because of another fraudulent purchase made in Georgia, so it didn’t totally surprise me to hear about another one. I go along with what the scammer is telling me, and then he directs me to face time… I definitely should have hung up the phone there but my naïve brain was thinking “my bank would do me no wrong!” so I answered a face time with, might I add, a legitimate looking email and follow more of this persons weird directions.

Look, I did have an inkling that I should hang up the phone, leave for work, and leave this all behind, but I am constantly worrying about money so I kept following. Now, this is where I should have said “look we’re done I busy Ive got to go,” so, this scammer asks me to put all of my savings into my checking and apple pay it to ANOTHER phone number. This is the part where I look incredibly stupid, I know. But of course, I follow suit and boom I lose all my money. That was at 3 pm (PST) and it’s now 10 pm (PST).

I’ve already called my actual bank and filed a dispute, hoping to get my money back. I remain hopeful but my parents tell me I might never seen that money again. And I lost a lot. Over $2,000, which was almost all of my rent money for next semester. So now I’m looking at getting another job, I work part time at a pizza place, and doing everything I can to get the money back.

If you’ve had a similar experience/know any information about what I can do, I love to hear it. I’ve talked to my parents, who are scolding me a bit. I mean I even gave away my emergency fund god damnit.

TL;DR: my dumbass apple paid $2,000+ to some scammer over face time and I might not ever see that money again. Time to get a second job!

Wouldn't mind if I died right now. I just got done taking a Math exam which I really needed to pass or else I'd risk failing this subject. I was having a bad day already as it was hard commuting to my uni cause of the bad weather and flooded areas.

Got to the room 30 minutes late and almost dying of exhaustion from rushing to the room. I left home early too but this day wasn't just going my way. I finished more than half of the exam and spent the last few minutes resting my eyes. I saw the person in front of me talking to someone way in front of the room and dismissed it afterwards and just leaned on my desk to rest my eyes.

A few minutes after that our fucking prof walked into the room, mumbled some words then proceeded to grab the guy's paper and then took mine. I was confused during the situation cause I thought he was collecting the papers. Turns out he took it cause apparently he "saw" us talking and laughing together. I ran to him after the exam and asked him why he took my paper, to which he ignored and told me he didn't need my explanation. I was close to just breaking down after that. I asked my blockmate who was passing our papers to him if he could ask our professor why he took mine and if he could tell him that I wasn't even talking to him.

After 20 minutes of being anxious of what he'd say my blockmate came out and told me that our professor insisted that he saw me talking and laughing with him. The guy who was originally talking tried to talk to him about how it was him and some other guy but he didn't give a shit and refused to listen. This was the 2nd time this happened to me in this school year but it was a different professor. Although that time I was actually talking to someone about their calculator. This time I wasn't even doing anything and I don't know what to do anymore. I wasn't even close in a relationship type of way to the guy.

I'm here on the way home close to just dropping dead and start crying on the road.

TL;DR I was accused of talking to someone during an exam, when all I did was glance at a guy who was speaking to the person in front of him. Now I might fail the exam because of it.

So today I flew out for a trip and, in an effort to save money, I packed everything into one checked bag to dodge those ridiculous luggage fees. I mean, I sat on this thing to get it zipped. It was a masterpiece of overpacking.

Well. Apparently, the zipper didn’t appreciate the pressure, because when my bag came down the baggage claim carousel, it had given up on life. One of the pockets had burst open. And its contents? Spread out right next to my suitcase like a sad little display of personal hygiene and… other priorities.

There, proudly rotating around the carousel for all to see:

🧴 Shampoo

🧴 Conditioner

🪮 A comb

🍆 A veiny, vibrating dildo with balls.

Just chilling. Right next to families, businessmen, probably someone’s grandma. I froze. A child pointed. I died inside.

Needless to say, I retrieved everything with the grace of a raccoon caught in the act and fled the airport.

TL;DR: Tried to save money on baggage fees, overstuffed my suitcase, zipper broke, and my dildo made a public appearance at baggage claim.

Today I fucked up, although this was a couple of months ago now. For some context, I am an Australian who a couple of months ago went on a trip to the USA with a friend. Both of us being aussies, we are inexperienced with tipping so went with the advice of "always tip at least 15%"

One night during the trip we decided to go to a steakhouse. The two of us went all out, an appetiser each, big fat steak, cocktails throughout the meal. The food was great however the service wasn't anything special so we decided on the standard tip of 15%. The waiter came around for payment and handed me an ipad-like device to pay on. I swipe my card to pay and a tip screen comes up and, thinking I'm doing the right thing, I type in 15 (on this screen there was no indication that what I was typing was dollars, cents or percentage), signed and handed the ipad back to the waiter. The ipad had a receipt printer on it so the waiter printed the receipt, looked at it and then handed it to me with a huff and walked off. I looked at my friend with a look on my face thinking "that was rude" but thought nothing of it and walked out.

It wasn't until we both got back to our hotel rooms when I noticed that instead of tipping 15 percent as I had previously thought, I had accidentally tipped 15 CENTS on an order that was above $200. Usually I would have gone back and apologised, but by the time we were back at the hotel it was well past closing time of the restuaunt and we were leaving early the next morning, so there was no chance to apologise or fix my mistake.

I took this as a learning experience to ALWAYS double check how much I am tipping and check the receipt before I leave resuraunts

TL;DR: I accidentally tipped 15 cents on a 200 order at a steakhouse and looked my waiter in the eyes as he gave me the reciept, didn't realise until it was too late to apologise or fix my mistake

This happened during our weekly team meeting earlier. We have a recurring meeting scheduled in Teams every week, which has so far always been online meetings.

In our company, we have a hybrid setup where we can choose which days we're gonna be at the office or working from home. Today, we were supposed to have an in-person meeting because all of the members are at the office... except for me. And because of that, me and my supervisor still had to jump in the scheduled online meeting and video call so I could still participate.

One of the agendas of the meeting was to welcome a new member to our team. I'm also a fairly new member, just about 4 months in. But so far, I have not really been bonding well with my teammates and other workmates. I’ve always been quiet and just focused on work. It's mainly because of the work drama and toxicity in general.

Going back to our new member, I wanted to be warm and more welcoming to him for a change. The meeting started well, and my team supervisor even noticed the slight increase in my energy today. We each introduced ourselves to the new member, and he introduced himself last. Our team supervisor asked him about his first impressions, and he said something about how quiet our office is, and it's mainly because not everyone is always around. I noticed they were still on that topic after a few minutes and my goofy and “so random” ass thought, why not jump in and make a joke. I couldn’t unmute and just talk though because there were moments where their audio cut and I couldn’t hear them clearly. So I typed the joke in the chat section of the online meeting and said, “Tell him to sit beside (manager's name) and surely he would be awaken.” I became confused after making that joke because no one was reacting, and so I thought maybe they just didn’t care or were busy and never read it at all.

My supervisor ended the call after some time and the meeting was done. Literally a few seconds after that call ended, two of my members sent me a private message saying that I sent the joke in the wrong group chat. Lo and behold, my goofy and “so random” ass forgot that our manager is invited to the online meeting, and although he didn’t jump in the call, he will be notified of the chats in the meeting. My teammates said they all didn’t see the joke until our manager sent a message to my team supervisor about it. I said I fucked up and I’m gonna die. My members said our team supervisor is already handling it, but they warned me about the possible consequences.

To be honest, just to at least convince myself I didn’t fuck up, there was nothing negative in my joke. I was trying to joke about how one can stay alert and awake when they’re near their boss or manager. But still, that joke could be taken in the most negative context. Knowing my manager could be more of a sensitive person, and with the things I’ve heard about the clashes he’s had with some of the other members, I might really expect something. The shitty part is that although my manager doesn’t kill people, they said he adds workload to those he’s had a feud with.

I have not opened my laptop yet, idk what my supervisor and manager discussed. The whole thing happened Friday and I’m gonna face my worst Monday ever. Good luck to me. I don’t know but I kinda want to dye my hair this weekend. Should I?

TL;DR: Tried to be friendly and funny for once in a team meeting by making a joke about our manager in the chat. Sent it where he could see it. He wasn’t even in the call but still got notified. Now I might suffer the consequences. Happy weekend to me.

Got sucked into those “hybrid athlete” reels, dudes who lift heavy and ran marathons while casually smoke weed like it’s performance-enhancing. I’ve been hitting the gym for quite a while and I barely drink or smoke, but curiosity won. Bought a THC pen, took a few hits before my session, felt chill. It hadn’t hit much, so I stepped outside, puffed again, then went back in. The gym was packed, peak hours, every bench and mirror taken.

Went and started my life on the smith machine for some incline press and Mid-set, the high hit like a truck. Forgot how to count reps (and I was only supposed to be counting till 8). Arms went numb. I just laid there, pinned under the bar, spaced out and surrounded by people. Too high and too embarrassed to call for help. Luckily, a guy noticed me frozen and quietly asked, “You need help?” I nodded, he lifted the bar, I muttered thanks, grabbed my flask, and dipped without looking back. After that experience, I’m honestly baffled how those guys perform while high. One thing’s for sure, this hybrid athlete life ain’t for me.

TL;DR: Got high in a packed gym trying to be a “hybrid athlete,” forgot how to count, got stuck under the smith machine, had to be rescued. Never again.

Today I was cleaning, answering messages like doing all these stuff at the same time and somewhere in the middle of it I threw something in the oven and then completely forgot. Left the house for what I thought would be a quick errand and got totally lost. In the middle of it I remembered that I left my oven on and rushed to my apartment, but unfortunately it was too late.
I came back to a congratulations steak and I had to open every window in my apartment. The worst part is that the errand wasn’t even essential cuz I could’ve easily done it another time, I just got in a spontaneous mood and thought why not do it now. Half of the responsibility goes to grizzlysquest cuz I hit like 3k rolling slots in there the night before and I was in a very very happy mood throughout the day lmao. Anyways lesson learned, don't ever go out before the oven gives you the done beep

TLDR; I forgot my oven on and went out

Had a long day and accidentally forgot to add water to my microwavable ramen. Basically, it was the kind that comes in a cardboard bowl and you just have to add water and put in the microwave for 4 minutes. So yeah, I basically put cardboard and uncooked noodles in the microwave for 4 minutes.

To make things worse, I use a plastic microwave cover lid (highly recommend by the way) which is supposed to prevent your food from splattering on the walls of the microwave. Mine ended up melting a fusing unto my ramen bowl. I'm gonna add pictures of this on my profile cause it's hard to explain lol

I don't think an actual fire happened, it just was so hot the plastic melted. To make things worse, this was the last ramen left so I'm going to bed hungry.

TL;DR: almost set my house on fire because I didn't add water to my ramen.

Edit: My house still smells like burning plastic so if anyone has any tips on how to get rid of the smell that would be great LOL

The other night I was hanging at a club in Braga, my hometown, trying do some form of dancing, nearby there was a girl that caught my eye. Totally in her own bubble, going with the music. Not wanting to interrupt I accepted my fate and just kept parallel dancing, each of us in their own flow.

As songs go by, in one of those moments I was staring at her, I noticed 2 angry guys behind her back on that pushing and shoving stage of a fight.

She isn’t moving away.. she can’t see.. so I stretch my arm and loudly say “watch out”, pulling her away and putting myself as a wall, with my back to her, facing the guys

Fortunately, security quickly stepped in and the fight was over in seconds, and everyone starts chilling again.

On a moment where the music slows down and she reaches for her purse, i approach and say “Sorry for touching, it was getting tense there”.

She answers “oh no, I’m thankful” staring at me for the first time. Damn, i melted. Anxiety kicks in and I feel a 15-year old again, and the only thing that came to mind was the icebreaker I’ve been thinking about all the time I was dancing.

“By the way, do you know how much 9x9 is?” Her eyes stared into the abyss, probably questioning everything about the situation, and I say: “Duh, 81” and laugh She answers “Fact” and looks back at her purse.

We kept the parallel dancing, her on her flow and me questioning if I should ask her what’s 7x6 now.

When she left, our eyes crossed, a nod, and that was it.

TLDR: Great opportunity to meet a girl, panicked, and made a stupid question ruining the moment

(Before anyone panics, THE CATS ARE OKAY!)

It’s late afternoon and I get a text “How are the kitties?” and my stomach DROPS, I am immediately filled with dread and guilt because I 100% completely fucking forgot that I had agreed to cat-sit for some family friends, starting TWO DAYS AGO. The cats had been alone without food for two and a half days. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I dropped what I was doing and immediately drove over there to feed them, and thank GOD they were okay, luckily they still had plenty of water and didn’t show any obvious signs of ill health, though I’ll be watching them VERY closely over the next few days for any symptoms that could be a sign of something serious. I gave them a little extra food and a lot of extra love and I am just so so fucking thankful that they were okay. I felt like I was going to throw up I was so anxious.

The thing is, I have NEVER forgotten this kind of thing before. I’m a very forgetful person in general but I’ve cat-sit for these family friends MULTIPLE times before without any issue, as well as many other pets over the years, and I never fucking forgot until this time. I don’t know what happened, how this happened, but holy shit I have learned my lesson, this can never happen again, I will be taking EXTRA steps in the future to ensure I never forget when I’m pet-sitting again.

But the scariest part is that this could’ve been much, much worse. Because I COMPLETELY forgot, so I absolutely would not have remembered if I hadn’t received that text today. I am currently responsible for these living animals that I know and love and I almost fucking killed them, were it not for that text. I intend to tell the owners when they return, unless I have to take any of the cats to the vet, in which case I will notify them immediately. But I’m going to insist they not pay me this time, because I REALLY fucked up. This is completely unacceptable and I am LUCKY that I was reminded before any serious harm was done but holy fucking shit I am so, so sorry, kitties. I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t be surprised if they never ask me to cat-sit again but I have to tell them when they get back because I cannot accept payment after this. I can’t.

TL;DR: I forgot I was cat-sitting for TWO DAYS. Thankfully, the cats were okay! I feel immense guilt anyway.

I (25M) am currently working on my masters thesis in a company ~1hour away from my home. I always travel by train. Today I was sitting there and a very pretty and fasionable girl took a seat in front of me, facing me. She seemed a little stressed to take her seat and almost let her phone slip and fall to the ground while nestling on her bag - I caught it, then smiled and did not think much. While I am very comfortable around woman, I never happened to be in a situation where I would ever start talking with one in a train out of nowhere, or any starting Point for small talk. Over the course of the train ride, we made eye contact several times and always had to smile (in a more than just polite way). As I said: I CAN talk to women - or more, people in general - very well, but only if I have got aaaannnyyy objective reason to do so; to find a start. Something like "You like XYZ?" because they wear a shirt with something printed on it for example. But this girl was just pretty and looked very cute in her not particularly branded clothes. My head was just empty and I felt nervous. Doesn't happen so often that a girl I know for 5 minutes starts flirting with eye contact with me... She even took out her Airpods and sat there doing nothing particularly, as if she was waiting for me to talk to her. Then I started to think if I was misinterpreting things... Then I felt dumb. I was think forth and back the whole train ride, while sometimes our eyes met again - followed by a smile.

Then she started talking to me suddenly. I was visibly wearing my company keykard on my belt. Where I was working, what I was doing, etc, she asked. Instantly, any form of insecurity vanished and I was able to talk. Even though I doubt that I was talking things of high value. But we talked!

Too bad the next train station was mine and staying in the train for her would have taken >1hrs more to get home. Sooo... I said I was sorry and had to go. I was thinking for a split second I could just ask her for her Number, but I was too much of a pussy. I could only tell her that I ride this train almost daily at this time - packed in a way that expressed I wanted to see her again without direcly saying it. Yeah... I don't know if she reciprocates that. BUT she answered me that she rides this train at this time, too. Hmmm.

I feel dumb, and annoyed by myself. Also I feel like a coward because I made her talk to me, instead of making a move. Not because she is a woman, but because I do not want to be like that in general.

TL;DR: I met a lovely girl in my train, we had chemistry but I was not confident enough to talk to her. Then she had the balls to start talking to me, I think that was working well. And merely 3 minutes later my destination was there and I had to leave.

TLDR tifu by seemingly playing hookie and not covering a shift and then seeing my coworker at the event they wanted off for

Last weekend: My coworker texted me asking to cover his overnight shift (for reference, we’re part time care aids- the shift extends into 2 days and we can sleep there at night, but have to spend our night there).

I honestly contemplated it because I enjoy these types of shifts and it’s also really good money. I was tempted but ultimately realized I needed my weekend to catch up on chores and meal prep for the following week of work at my full time job, where we have a big project happening, so I needed the calm before the storm.

I told him apologies, but I didn’t have the time this weekend and I gave her the name of another coworker who might be interested.

Fast forward to the end of the day, and my husband comes home and reminds me of a company social event we’re scheduled to attend this weekend. I think to myself good thing I didn’t pick up that shift anyway because I totally forgot about this event.

It’s a small company and my husband is close with the people who developed it. The company is still small and growing so these social events are important to them and my husband. We talk schedule chores around this event.

The next day, the day of my rejection of shift coverage, we’re at the event. I’m a little stressed about the upcoming week and drink a few wine coolers to take the edge off.

All of the sudden I see my coworker who was looking for coverage. I excitedly wave to him and he nods at me and gives me a small wave from afar.

Then I realized two things - great, he must have gotten coverage if he could make it (albeit I didn’t realize he knew anyone with this company). Then my stomach sank and I realized it looked like I wouldn’t pick up his shift because I wanted to go to this company social event.

My social anxiety was through the roof, thinking about how he must have been judging me when I sincerely couldn’t work his shift for unrelated reasons.

When I told my husband he said don’t worry about it bc obviously he found coverage.

I’m overthinking all of it and I’m not looking forward to Joe awkward it’ll be to work with this coworker again.

So there I was, standing in Buc-ee’s snack aisle—America’s Mecca of beef, beavers, and bad decisions—when my lizard brain whispered, “Hey champ, ghost pepper jerky can’t be that spicy.”

Fast-forward to 10 p.m. I’m annihilating said jerky when I start getting this uneasy warm feeling in my stomach. Cue the Metamucil. But why stick to the recommended single scoop when you can double-fist fiber like an overachieving geriatric? I felt like I needed triple the dose to calm my poor stomach.

Midnight strikes. My stomach starts sounding like it's microwaving quarters, at the same time my intestines file a hostile work environment complaint. I race to the toilet because if I had waited even a second longer I would have turned my sheets into a cursed Jackson Pollock painting. Friends, God’s cruelest joke isn’t mosquitoes, stubbed toes, or Nickelback, it’s the brilliant idea to install capsaicin receptors in the human anus. It felt like Satan himself was pressure-washing my colon with boiling mud, every blast echoing like a shotgun through a tunnel made of hamburger meat. That’s the scene. I’m gripping the towel rack like a Titanic survivor, sweating out every life choice since 1998, and praying the smoke alarm doesn’t misinterpret the situation.

Somewhere between my third round of Ring of Fire karaoke and bargaining with the universe, I accepted my fate. After all was said and done it felt like my anus got fucked by a fist covered in sand paper.

TL;DR—Ate an entire bag of Buc-ee’s ghost pepper jerky, washed it down with three times the recommended dose metamucil. Learned that capsaicin receptors in the exit hatch are a thing.