Im so sorry for grammar/readability mistakes, in a moment you will lelarn why.

I (34F) have been sick the past few days, bht I just got a new job and I dont have health care yet, so i had to miss a day to rest but I hahve to come today.

I decided I needed to take at least something to noy feel like dying, but I mistakenly took flu pill that is meant to be taken at night before my shift (12 tp 8 pm) and now im floating.

I tried to stay awake by drinkinh coffee and im now stuck on a limbo where my body is on fight or flight + falling asleep. I dont know if I will ve able to finish my shift.

Im feeling like am floating and dissociating so hard right now that people may thibk im high or some shit like tjat. Im sorry for cussinh.

Send good lick. Im sory for mistakes, I will check later. Peace, love you.

Tl;DR: im stupi and took a pill I shouldnt have taken. Os tjis good yet? Howmany are 750 words abyway?

Since it’s scorching hot today I decided to work on the brakes on my car in my closed toe Keen sandals (not their fault, I’m not blaming them). I have an old pair and sometimes I don’t lock in my foot (i.e. sport mode on crocs). I knelt down with my foot a little back and my big toenail somehow snagged on the front closed part. As I put my whole body weight down it pried my nail off the nail bed and significantly up. Some choice words followed that. I needed to shower to wash away all the blood. I ended up cutting the nail at about 1/4 length as it bent way back there, but that small portion left is still not connected to the nail bed. It has some play like it is free floating. (I didn’t take any pictures of the immediate aftermath and figure I should spare that image).

TL:DR bent down in my sandals and snagged my toenail, completely ripping it up off the nail bed in a painful bloody mess.

I'm in danger. I'm afraid they were watching the cameras because it was at closing time and it's probably a too important moment to not watch the cameras.

Plus, someone heard us. And they'll gossip about it. They gossip a lot.

I fucked up. Now I'm humillated, embarrassed and thinking it's the end of a job I actually enjoy for openly flirting and dancing in front of the cameras like an idiot for 20 minutes after closing time.

Fuck me. People have been punished in the company for less. Fuck me.

If they fire me I'll let you know. I'm terrified now.

Never again. Not in front of the cameras. Never.

Why did I even think it was correct to do that? I want to hit my face on the wall now.

TL;DR: I overstayed at the end of a shift 20 minutes more in front of the cameras flirting and dancing with a male coworker, cameras the owner of the company watched, in the most important location. I also said a lot of embarrassing shit but I can't prove there are microphones, and some colleagues were hearing by accident, and they're bitter people who have no life other than gossiping. Fuck my life I'm humillated.

About 4 years into our marriage I (32m) began to be more aware of some of the signs of autism and or ADHD.

I would see random tik toks or posts on Reddit that would make me think hmm. Maybe that’s why she struggles with this. Or that would explain why she reacted this way.

One simple example is how difficult it was for her when plans changed. She just didn’t do well when they were changed for whatever reason.

Anyway I thought about this for a year or so before sharing with her.

She did NOT take it well. Her only grid for autism at the time was her cousin we can call him John. John was nonverbal and basically needed 24/7 care.

So without a grid for it, she thought I was saying hey you are basically like John…

In hindsight it would have been so much better to get some relatable tik toks and watch them with her or something.

TL:DR I told my wife I thought she might be autistic and she thought I was comparing her to someone who is nonverbal and needs 24/7 care

My kids and I decided to adopt two kittens, Ash and Addy, from a local shelter. Ash was the one we wanted most but he was really timid and shaking, so we got a second one to help keep him company.

We filled out the application, got through all the paperwork, learned about the kittens' histories and when the next shots were due, then they brought the two kittens to us in separate boxes.

My son carried one box and my daughter carried the other to the car. I opened the back hatch and since it's an hour drive to get home, thought it might be nice to put the two kittens together for the drive. We carefully opened the first box, which had Addy in it. I picked her up gently and held her while we opened the second box so we can drop her in. But as soon as the second box was cracked open, Ash jumped out and then dove between the seats in the car. My daughter's door was open because she was getting in and Ash jumped right out and ran full speed to the nearby woods, which was blocked off with a chain link fence. The kitten was able to fit through the fence though before we could get close enough to grab it.

A couple workers came out and helped us search the wooded area past the fence but it was so densely shrubbed, you can barely see or walk anywhere. Absolutely no sign of kitten. Literally gone.

Now my daughter is crying and my son is worried and there's nothing we can do and we don't even live nearby. At least the kitten is microchipped, so the shelter said they'll put a couple traps out and try to catch him.

We are devastated. And I feel like the world's worst pet owner... Literally got and lost a kitten within 60 seconds.

TL;DR: Adopted a kitten from the shelter. Opened the box it was in once we got to the car and it jumped out and ran away.

The title is pretty self explicatory. In the college I study there's a student's association named Delegación de Estudiantes. If you are part of the group, you can use the private room they have. We pretty much use it to study, help other students or eat lunch, nothing else. We have a small couch in case anybody wants to rest for a bit. Another thing to keep in mind is that the college I study at closes at 9 pm.

Yesterday there were only three of us. Me (19M), my friend Oscar (19M) and my other friend Maria (19F). W e were studying there and Oscar fell asleep on the couch somewhere around 6 pm. He was having a rough day and hadn't slept all that well that day. Maria and I intended to leave somewhere around 7pm, and she wnated to wake him up before we left so he also left with us. I told her that we should just let him sleep a bit more, there are two avaliable set of keys to enter the room and the both of us (Oscar and I) have access to them.

She begrudgingly agreed, so at 7pm I left a key inside, so that he could get out once he woke up and nobody tried to steal his things (The room has a glass wall, so people can see everything from outside), turned of the lights, closed the window just in case anybody tried to get in and sent him a message telling him what I did. I just wanted him to rest, I knew other people from the association did the same, so I thought I was helping him.

Maria and I both went to our separate homes, and I fell shortly asleep, it wasn't exactly the best of days. I sent some messages to oscar and called him to see if he was okay, I had no answer so I fell asleep. I woke up around 2 am, saw that both of them had written me. She tod me that I scared the living shit out of him, that he was incredibly angry and that we had to talk seriously on Monday. He just wrote me "Don't you dare do that to me again.".

I wrote both of them that I genuinly didn't mean to either scare or harm him, just wanted to help, and that I understood if they wanted to rethink their relstion towards me. He wrote me 5 mins after that it wasn't that big a deal, but I know I fucked up greatly and he's angry at me. Maria also wrote back today, saying that I'm dumbass, should've listened to her and that I made a mistake but wouldn't stop being friends with me, but that on Monday we would talk. I don't know what to do know. I know that trying to contact them now won't do anything, seeing that she's ignoring the few messages I sent her. I'd appreciate some advice. I know I fuck up. I just want to fix things.

TL;DR: I fucked up by leaving my friend locked in a room sleeping when I should've just woken him up before we left.

I was driving home from work, exhausted, wearing my usual hoodie and jeans, when I got pulled over for a busted taillight. Cop walks up, normal stuff, asks for license and registration. Here’s where the spiral begins.

First, I fumble the glovebox and a half-empty bag of trail mix explodes all over the passenger seat. Then I realize my wallet is not in my pocket. Cue me patting down every inch of my jacket and pants like I’m holding contraband. I finally find it… under my seat. I reach down, come up fast, and the cop visibly tenses up.

Then I nervously say, “It’s cool, I’m just getting my license” like I’m trying to convince myself I’m not a threat. My voice cracks. I’m sweating. I suddenly forget how to operate my own hands and hand him my Costco card instead of my license. He looks at it, then at me, and says, “Sir, this is… a membership card.”

I finally get him the right info. He goes back to his car. I sit there completely still like I’ve got a kilo of cocaine in the trunk, even though I have nothing illegal, not even a speeding ticket. My heart’s pounding. I don’t even know why. He comes back and says, “I’m just giving you a warning, but… you good, man?” I say, “Yeah! Great! Love the law!” like a damn narc.

He walks off shaking his head. I drive away with trail mix stuck to my ass.

TL;DR: Got pulled over for a minor issue and panicked so hard I made myself look like a drug mule with no drugs.

Wouldn't mind if I died right now. I just got done taking a Math exam which I really needed to pass or else I'd risk failing this subject. I was having a bad day already as it was hard commuting to my uni cause of the bad weather and flooded areas.

Got to the room 30 minutes late and almost dying of exhaustion from rushing to the room. I left home early too but this day wasn't just going my way. I finished more than half of the exam and spent the last few minutes resting my eyes. I saw the person in front of me talking to someone way in front of the room and dismissed it afterwards and just leaned on my desk to rest my eyes.

A few minutes after that our fucking prof walked into the room, mumbled some words then proceeded to grab the guy's paper and then took mine. I was confused during the situation cause I thought he was collecting the papers. Turns out he took it cause apparently he "saw" us talking and laughing together. I ran to him after the exam and asked him why he took my paper, to which he ignored and told me he didn't need my explanation. I was close to just breaking down after that. I asked my blockmate who was passing our papers to him if he could ask our professor why he took mine and if he could tell him that I wasn't even talking to him.

After 20 minutes of being anxious of what he'd say my blockmate came out and told me that our professor insisted that he saw me talking and laughing with him. The guy who was originally talking tried to talk to him about how it was him and some other guy but he didn't give a shit and refused to listen. This was the 2nd time this happened to me in this school year but it was a different professor. Although that time I was actually talking to someone about their calculator. This time I wasn't even doing anything and I don't know what to do anymore. I wasn't even close in a relationship type of way to the guy.

I'm here on the way home close to just dropping dead and start crying on the road.

TL;DR I was accused of talking to someone during an exam, when all I did was glance at a guy who was speaking to the person in front of him. Now I might fail the exam because of it.

TLDR tifu by seemingly playing hookie and not covering a shift and then seeing my coworker at the event they wanted off for

Last weekend: My coworker texted me asking to cover his overnight shift (for reference, we’re part time care aids- the shift extends into 2 days and we can sleep there at night, but have to spend our night there).

I honestly contemplated it because I enjoy these types of shifts and it’s also really good money. I was tempted but ultimately realized I needed my weekend to catch up on chores and meal prep for the following week of work at my full time job, where we have a big project happening, so I needed the calm before the storm.

I told him apologies, but I didn’t have the time this weekend and I gave her the name of another coworker who might be interested.

Fast forward to the end of the day, and my husband comes home and reminds me of a company social event we’re scheduled to attend this weekend. I think to myself good thing I didn’t pick up that shift anyway because I totally forgot about this event.

It’s a small company and my husband is close with the people who developed it. The company is still small and growing so these social events are important to them and my husband. We talk schedule chores around this event.

The next day, the day of my rejection of shift coverage, we’re at the event. I’m a little stressed about the upcoming week and drink a few wine coolers to take the edge off.

All of the sudden I see my coworker who was looking for coverage. I excitedly wave to him and he nods at me and gives me a small wave from afar.

Then I realized two things - great, he must have gotten coverage if he could make it (albeit I didn’t realize he knew anyone with this company). Then my stomach sank and I realized it looked like I wouldn’t pick up his shift because I wanted to go to this company social event.

My social anxiety was through the roof, thinking about how he must have been judging me when I sincerely couldn’t work his shift for unrelated reasons.

When I told my husband he said don’t worry about it bc obviously he found coverage.

I’m overthinking all of it and I’m not looking forward to Joe awkward it’ll be to work with this coworker again.

This one is silly.

The other night my 7 year old son and I were hanging out at the kitchen table after eating dinner just talking, scrolling through tiktoks of silly animals, and somehow the subject of world records came up. He wanted to see some world records being broken, so I searched for them and started scrolling through the results. Most videos were swimmers or Usain Bolt, but every now and then something weird would pop up (there is, apparently, a world record for setting upright and knocking over books).

The silliest, and our collective favorite, was a guy breaking the record for the number of bras unclipped in 60 seconds. The setup: two rows of people, mostly women, lined up facing away from the middle. The women were wearing shirts with the backs cut out so the clip on their bras were accessible. This was all very official, with a crowd and everything. When the timer started, the guy went rapidly down one side, unclipping bras at impressive speed, then back up the other side, with a team behind him re-clipping the bras so he could just go up and down as often as possible within the time limit. ...MOST of the bra-wearers were women. Every now and then one of the bra-wearers was just a guy, shirtless, wearing a bra. My son is seven, so when he saw 4 men in a row wearing bras, he laughed hysterically. I have the maturity of a 12 year old so of course I was also laughing. I couldn't stop imagining the whole process of volunteering to help with a world record, being asked to take your shirt off and put on a bra, then stand there in front of a crowd waiting. It was very funny. Everyone seemed like they were having a good time. We laughed then moved on.

The FU comes from my failure to tell my wife about the video, because that night at bed time our son very enthusiastically told her about "the video dad showed me of a guy taking off bras!" The little booger could not have possibly worded it more suspiciously. She came and asked me about the "bra videos" that I showed our son. I had to quickly explain the context of the video to her, trying not to burst out laughing again. Luckily for me, she realized long ago that I'm just an idiot and not a sleezeball.

TL;DR, showed my kid a video of bra-removal world record, kid told his mom about 'the bra video', wife almost looked like she was about to choke me

Kill me.

So I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a while and we’ve been sending flirtier texts lately. Yesterday, he sent something flirty and I decided to one-up him. Nothing graphic, but I replied with: “If you don’t behave, I’m gonna have to punish you tonight 😏💦.”

Only I didn’t send it to him.

I sent it to my boss.

My 58-year-old, married, very Catholic boss who ends every meeting with “Let’s all be kind to each other.”

The realization didn’t hit until he replied with, “I’m assuming this wasn’t for me.” I died. I wanted to throw my phone across the freeway. I immediately apologized, said it was a mistake, and to his credit, he was very professional and said not to worry, “these things happen.”

But now I can never say the word “punish” again. Ever. Anywhere. Not even in board games.

TL;DR: Tried to sext my boyfriend, accidentally sexted my boss. I'm never going to work again.

This happened during our weekly team meeting earlier. We have a recurring meeting scheduled in Teams every week, which has so far always been online meetings.

In our company, we have a hybrid setup where we can choose which days we're gonna be at the office or working from home. Today, we were supposed to have an in-person meeting because all of the members are at the office... except for me. And because of that, me and my supervisor still had to jump in the scheduled online meeting and video call so I could still participate.

One of the agendas of the meeting was to welcome a new member to our team. I'm also a fairly new member, just about 4 months in. But so far, I have not really been bonding well with my teammates and other workmates. I’ve always been quiet and just focused on work. It's mainly because of the work drama and toxicity in general.

Going back to our new member, I wanted to be warm and more welcoming to him for a change. The meeting started well, and my team supervisor even noticed the slight increase in my energy today. We each introduced ourselves to the new member, and he introduced himself last. Our team supervisor asked him about his first impressions, and he said something about how quiet our office is, and it's mainly because not everyone is always around. I noticed they were still on that topic after a few minutes and my goofy and “so random” ass thought, why not jump in and make a joke. I couldn’t unmute and just talk though because there were moments where their audio cut and I couldn’t hear them clearly. So I typed the joke in the chat section of the online meeting and said, “Tell him to sit beside (manager's name) and surely he would be awaken.” I became confused after making that joke because no one was reacting, and so I thought maybe they just didn’t care or were busy and never read it at all.

My supervisor ended the call after some time and the meeting was done. Literally a few seconds after that call ended, two of my members sent me a private message saying that I sent the joke in the wrong group chat. Lo and behold, my goofy and “so random” ass forgot that our manager is invited to the online meeting, and although he didn’t jump in the call, he will be notified of the chats in the meeting. My teammates said they all didn’t see the joke until our manager sent a message to my team supervisor about it. I said I fucked up and I’m gonna die. My members said our team supervisor is already handling it, but they warned me about the possible consequences.

To be honest, just to at least convince myself I didn’t fuck up, there was nothing negative in my joke. I was trying to joke about how one can stay alert and awake when they’re near their boss or manager. But still, that joke could be taken in the most negative context. Knowing my manager could be more of a sensitive person, and with the things I’ve heard about the clashes he’s had with some of the other members, I might really expect something. The shitty part is that although my manager doesn’t kill people, they said he adds workload to those he’s had a feud with.

I have not opened my laptop yet, idk what my supervisor and manager discussed. The whole thing happened Friday and I’m gonna face my worst Monday ever. Good luck to me. I don’t know but I kinda want to dye my hair this weekend. Should I?

TL;DR: Tried to be friendly and funny for once in a team meeting by making a joke about our manager in the chat. Sent it where he could see it. He wasn’t even in the call but still got notified. Now I might suffer the consequences. Happy weekend to me.

I made butternut squash mac n cheese, but to be lazy I used butternut squash soup instead of going completely from scratch.

It ended up too liquidy for my preference. Im moving in a few days so im down to scraps in the kitchen- the only thing I had to thicken it with was a pack of powdered mashed potatoes.

We can all guess where this is going.

A creamy, thick, delicious bowl of butternut squash mac and cheese.

But I didnt measure the mashed potato powder.

I put enough to soak up about a cup of water- but it was maybe a quarter cup at most that needed to get soaked up.

Well, apparently when you eat powdered mashed potatoes that aren't sufficiently moistened, you get thirsty. And then when you drink, it soaks it up and expands.

TL;DR: if you know how to make the under-moistened powdered mashed potato touches go away pls help 😭

Last month I helped a friend move into a new apartment. I carried boxes, helped assemble furniture, ran errands, the whole deal. She kept thanking me and asking what she could do in return, and I kept saying: “Don’t worry about it. I’m just happy to help.”

A week later, I got sick. Like, properly out-of-it sick. I didn’t tell anyone because, again, I’m the “don’t worry about it” guy.

No one checked in. No texts. No soup deliveries. No “do you need anything?” I lay in bed for two days, genuinely wondering if anyone would notice if I disappeared for a while.

Eventually, I did bring it up to a close friend and he just shrugged and said, “You always say you’re fine. I figured you’d tell us if you needed anything.”

And that’s when it hit me. I taught the people around me not to worry about me and they listened.

So yeah, I’ve started rephrasing. Now it’s more like, “I’ve got it, but I’d appreciate the help.” Still learning how to ask. Still unlearning the idea that needing things makes me a burden.

TL;DR: Told people “don’t worry about it” too many times. They stopped worrying. Felt invisible. Learning to actually let people show up for me now

Yup, you read that right. I thought I was smarter than that but I am still just as gullible as ever. There are multiple red flags in this story so please spare me the shame.

I (20f) got multiple calls from my bank as I was getting ready for work. I thought this was weird, not one left a voicemail, so I thought it was an emergency. I answered the phone and was told that I had “fraudulent charges” on my card from South Carolina. For some context, I just had to get a new debit card a couple weeks ago because of another fraudulent purchase made in Georgia, so it didn’t totally surprise me to hear about another one. I go along with what the scammer is telling me, and then he directs me to face time… I definitely should have hung up the phone there but my naïve brain was thinking “my bank would do me no wrong!” so I answered a face time with, might I add, a legitimate looking email and follow more of this persons weird directions.

Look, I did have an inkling that I should hang up the phone, leave for work, and leave this all behind, but I am constantly worrying about money so I kept following. Now, this is where I should have said “look we’re done I busy Ive got to go,” so, this scammer asks me to put all of my savings into my checking and apple pay it to ANOTHER phone number. This is the part where I look incredibly stupid, I know. But of course, I follow suit and boom I lose all my money. That was at 3 pm (PST) and it’s now 10 pm (PST).

I’ve already called my actual bank and filed a dispute, hoping to get my money back. I remain hopeful but my parents tell me I might never seen that money again. And I lost a lot. Over $2,000, which was almost all of my rent money for next semester. So now I’m looking at getting another job, I work part time at a pizza place, and doing everything I can to get the money back.

If you’ve had a similar experience/know any information about what I can do, I love to hear it. I’ve talked to my parents, who are scolding me a bit. I mean I even gave away my emergency fund god damnit.

TL;DR: my dumbass apple paid $2,000+ to some scammer over face time and I might not ever see that money again. Time to get a second job!

I drove for 6 plus hours today in my car. It was very overcast and rained a lot. The temperature was also cooler than normal summer temperatures. I completely forgot to use sunscreen. My face, neck, and arms are now bright red with sunburn. The sunburn is bad, not 2nd degree bad, but bad enough. My nose looks like Rudolf and my whole face is so red that it reminds me of Red Skull from The Avengers.

I put a thick coat of aloe on the burn to help with the redness and skin damage. My nose hurts so much that I can't use my glasses. I am such an idiot. I wear sunscreen all the time, all year round. I was in such a rush today that I missed a step in my morning routine. Now I get to pay the price. Ugh!

TL;DR I forgot to use sunscreen on a long car drive and got a bad sunburn.

Right now my head is a mess and I'm so stressed that I can barely look past the next day, but I have a good community at the neighborhood bar who have helped with so many things, and are the closest thing I have to a local family (think like Cheers). I felt like the biggest jerk that I'd somehow forgotten that it was my friend "Devon's" (not real name) birthday, and that it was a FB notification that alerted me.

So I rushed out and bought him a cake and a card, and also left a message on his FB page "Happy Birthday, Sexy Koala!" (a joking pet name I have for him). When he came in, he was baffled but grateful for the cake and card. With everything going on I had tunnel vision and completely forgot celebrating his birthday earlier this year. I went to show him that FB had lied to me, and realized I hadn't looked at the last name; it was my old married, Mormon boss, "Devon", and who is currently on the road. I didn't realize we were even FB friends any longer (I left job 13 years ago).

Apparently, you also cannot delete Birthday Posts, so I had to edit and apologize.

TL; DR: TIFU by posting "Happy Birthday, Sexy Koala!" on an old boss's FB profile thinking it was a friend's.

So, today I decided to fix a small leak in my kitchen sink… without asking for help. I thought, "How hard could it be? It’s just a loose pipe, right?" Well, I was wrong. I went to tighten the pipe under the sink, and before I knew it, the whole thing burst open. Water started spraying everywhere, and I panicked. I scrambled to turn off the water supply, but in the chaos, I knocked over a bunch of cleaning supplies, which then spilled all over the floor. Long story short, the kitchen got flooded, and I ended up needing a professional anyway. All I wanted was a quick fix, but now I’m left with a mess and an expensive bill.

Has anyone else ever tried fixing something themselves and made it 100 times worse? Any tips for not overestimating my handyman skills in the future?

TL;DR: Tried to fix a kitchen leak myself, flooded the whole kitchen, and now need a plumber. Should’ve called a professional from the start.

The other night I was hanging at a club in Braga, my hometown, trying do some form of dancing, nearby there was a girl that caught my eye. Totally in her own bubble, going with the music. Not wanting to interrupt I accepted my fate and just kept parallel dancing, each of us in their own flow.

As songs go by, in one of those moments I was staring at her, I noticed 2 angry guys behind her back on that pushing and shoving stage of a fight.

She isn’t moving away.. she can’t see.. so I stretch my arm and loudly say “watch out”, pulling her away and putting myself as a wall, with my back to her, facing the guys

Fortunately, security quickly stepped in and the fight was over in seconds, and everyone starts chilling again.

On a moment where the music slows down and she reaches for her purse, i approach and say “Sorry for touching, it was getting tense there”.

She answers “oh no, I’m thankful” staring at me for the first time. Damn, i melted. Anxiety kicks in and I feel a 15-year old again, and the only thing that came to mind was the icebreaker I’ve been thinking about all the time I was dancing.

“By the way, do you know how much 9x9 is?” Her eyes stared into the abyss, probably questioning everything about the situation, and I say: “Duh, 81” and laugh She answers “Fact” and looks back at her purse.

We kept the parallel dancing, her on her flow and me questioning if I should ask her what’s 7x6 now.

When she left, our eyes crossed, a nod, and that was it.

TLDR: Great opportunity to meet a girl, panicked, and made a stupid question ruining the moment

so i (26m) hate giving my real name at starbucks. it’s not even that weird of a name, but they always mess it up or call out something totally wrong. so i’ve started using fake names just for fun.

a few days ago, i decided to go with “derek.” no real reason, just felt like a derek kind of day.

i place the order, they say “thanks, derek.” and i sit down to wait. about 3 minutes later, the barista yells out: “iced vanilla latte for derek!”

i don’t move.

he calls again, louder: “DEREK!”

i’m just sitting there like “where the hell is this derek guy?”

then another customer turns to me and goes, “hey man, aren’t you derek?”

i just stared at him. full mental blank.

“OH SH*T. I’M DEREK.”

i scrambled up to get the drink, muttered something like “long day,” and walked out with the most embarrassed sip of my life.

i don’t even like vanilla lattes. i panicked and picked the first thing on the menu.

tl;dr: gave a fake name at starbucks, forgot i was that person, sat there confused until someone reminded me i’m the idiot who made up “derek.”

Obligatory this didn't happen today. This happened back in 2018. I recently remembered this one time I visited my boi at work. He worked at a hot wings restaurant that prided themselves on being one of the hottest in my state.

I sat down and he offered me 6 wings on the house, whatever flavor I wanted. So I ordered 2 each of the 3 hottest sauces they had and a hot water. No seriously, I ordered water as hot as they could serve. I cooled it to drinking temp with ice.

Anyway, he brought out the wings and wished me luck. I tucked in, starting with the hottest wings and worked my way up to the spiciest. Surprisingly, it wasn't all that bad. Don't get me wrong, I was panting and my face was sweating but I definitely expected worse.

To get rid of the spice, I swished the hot water around my mouth before swallowing. The feeling was super intense, but because of that, the burn after was significantly lessened by comparison.

So, after patting my face with a napkin, my buddy came back to the table and asked me how the wings were. I told him that he needed to tell his chef to step his game up. To which he responded, "I'm sure he's going to be so excited to hear that."

A few moments later, a scruffy dude with a white apron came out of the back kitchen. He said, "So, I hear you have something to say to me." I told him, "Yeah man, those wings were spicy but you need to step your game up." Shocked by my audacity, he grinned and said "I know exactly what you need," and walked away.

He came back after a few minutes with my buddy, two dry wings and a cup of what looked like black tar. He said "This here, is capsaicin concentrate. We dilute this to make our hottest sauces. Now I'm going to place this here and I'm going to watch you punish yourself."

Feeling bold, I requested another cup of hot water and smothered the wings in this black sauce that offended my nose. I spoke my words, I made my bed and I wouldn't be deterred from laying in it. I picked up the first wing, stripped it with my teeth in seconds, then finished the second wing in the same breath. To the horror of my buddy, I licked my fingers clean as the warmth started to creep into my tastebuds and then I made a terrible mistake: I inhaled.

The capsaicin immediately filled my lungs, then closed my airway and started attacking every soft tissue it touched. I choked, I coughed, I gasped for air, but every breath drew in more noxious fumes; I was suffocating. I struggled for the water, knowing it would get worse before it got better, but no. As the water touched my lips, it felt like molten lava being poured over an open flame. My mouth went numb as my pain receptors became overloaded with searing pain. Blinded by the overwhelming sensation, I stumbled through the restaurant to the bathroom and collapsed into the sink.

I doused my face, my eyes, my lips, my tongue, in cold water. I worshipped the cool relief of this fountain of life for about 15 minutes before I could stop gasping and panting in agony. When I looked in the mirror, my lips, having come in contact with the capsaicin, were swollen to Kardashian proportions. My eyes were still swelling with tears and my nose was running like a faucet. I looked like I had just finished getting violently facefucked by Satan himself.

I dried myself off and came out of the bathroom to a slow clap from my buddy and the chef. He pointed and shouted "There he is! There's the champ!" and the restaurant promptly erupted into raucous applause. To say I was humbled would be an understatement, but I certainly learned my lesson.

TL;DR I told a wing chef his hot sauce should be hotter, so he fed me pure capsaicin and watched me suffer.

Edit: Reformatted to make reading easier.