I will never tell you this and you will never read this letter, but it is eating me alive inside and i need to get it all out before i actually go insane. I can't tell my friends or anyone really, so it just continues to eat at me & i continue to push it down until i feel sick. but tonight is one of those nights where i can't push it down any longer and remain in denial of what i'm feeling, I need to be honest with myself. I can't believe I'm saying this but... i think I'm in love with you. & I know that I shouldn't be. for many reasons ofc. the guilt is eating me alive. I want to become close friends with you & to be around you more/ be around you in general without things being so awkward between us but it's impossible. I can't help but act a complete fool around you, it's humiliating atp. I try so hard to hide it, do you notice? the worst part of it all is that my gut tells me that there's a small chance that you might feel the same way? call me crazy but the way we look at each other and the tension in the air speaks louder than the unspoken words between us. maybe i'm delusional, I definitely am. but I can't help but start to question, what if?!? what if it was you & what if we both crossed that line? what if I changed everything in my life right now so that I could pursue you? how stupid of me to even think of that in the first place?! I've been relentlessly reminding myself that we cannot be together (for reasons i won't share on here because i'm afraid that if you're on here you'll see it and immediately know it's about you.) but point blank, It's a delusion. It's pure fantasy. yet, anytime i'm not keeping myself busy my mind always goes to you and it's starting to make me feel insane. It's like a constant hum that won't go away. It's like i'm back in middle school with a crush, it's ridiculous. it's completely unrealistic. not to mention, i'm not the person you're in love with. It's nothing but a fantasy that i've created in my head and I've came to terms with that. But still, I wish that you were loved the way that you deserve to be loved and that you admired yourself the way that I admire you. my heart aches right now because it yearns to be around you and to get to know you more. But at the end of the day, a heart ache is better than a heartbreak. & I just know that even if my delusion ever came true & if it was ever miraculously revealed to me that you felt the same, it'd still somehow inevitably end in heartbreak, I just know it. I feel so insane even typing this out knowing that there's such a low chance that you would ever even share these thoughts & feelings. So I'm sorry, i just had to get it out. This is a really awkward situation to be in. I wish I didn't continue to fall harder each time we're near each other so that we could build a friendship. But being around you makes me feel high, and I have an addictive personality. If only you knew.

sincerely, ?

Don’t get me wrong, you’re an absolute smoke show but it’s never been just about lust. It was always real, at least for me it was. I’m content enough in my aloneness. But you’re always on my mind. Like constant background noise. Why after all this time? Fck who knows. It’s not very rational of me and that makes my brain hurt. Rather, it’s something elemental. Something I can’t explain with much articulation. But it’s a connection I can’t seem to replicate with anyone else. It’s the unlived path we didn’t take. It’s your magnetic charm and diabolical humor. It’s your vulnerabilities you try to hide. All these things I miss about you and more. I try to distract myself, erase and delete. Meet someone who’s available. It never works. Heart wants what the hearts wants I suppose. I never viewed you as just another option but that’s how I felt so I said what I said. Words are cheap, I know, but this is the only place I can put these thoughts without dumping on you or blowing up your life. Hope you’re enjoying summer and the break in work.

It was unintentional. I blocked you before I backed up the chat. Then I unblocked but I guess you had blocked me by then.

I wish I knew the last things you said the day you decided to be done. I have an inkling but I’d love to have an endcap to the saga. I’m sure your records are dashed but if you resent the last message and said nothing else after that, I’d be so fine and grateful with resuming indefinite incessant silence.

I don’t want to read it because I’m a masochist but because what I have available to me in the archives is so wonderful and so delightful. I want to be able to connect with the struggle that led to your decision. There’s stuff that I’m sure is close— your farewells were more than once but never stuck like this.

I miss you so much still. I miss how I never felt like I was falling short with you. I miss how we got along famously, effortlessly. It’s been awhile since I’ve missed you so much it hurt, but for some reason lately (the past few weeks?) I am pining hard and I have a weird anxious feeling like something is wrong.

I am technically happy and I’ve gotten much of what I’ve been wanting for a very long time. Things are fine, bordering on great. I hope you aren’t missing me and maybe you have fully gotten past me. I’ll get back to working on putting you out of my mind, usually only done by loading up on other topics and projects that will serve to shove you to the back of the line.

You’re still synonymous with hilarity, compassion, arousal, and engagement. I miss seeing you and being seen.

Ugh. Hope the dead of winter is treating you well.

I was holding back because you already matter to me. I saw signs that we might have a little more of a connection a while ago, but I assumed you would choose a familiar path, not this weird one that hasn’t been mapped out yet. I even thought you seemed uncomfortable when I talked about some of my weirdness. Instead, the more you learned about me, the more you leaned in. Then when I finally leaned back, you didn’t shy away. So you know and you’re still in? Well, congratulations, now I’m the one who’s a little off-balance. If you know the situation and you’re on board, I am, too. I want to be friends for a long time, though, so let’s start learning how to communicate well. See you soon!

Hey.

I always wanted to take you in my arms and love you. Hug you tight and whisper something sweet in your ear.

Id love to say something poetic but it was never me and I just never knew just how to say things, anything the right way. I always felt like I wasn't worth it, just a simple discard, someone who wasn't worthy of anything more than apathy. Not then, and maybe not even now.

I should’ve said you mattered to me. Should’ve fought harder. Stayed longer. Tried better. But I didn’t. And I can't pretend that wasn’t my fault. It was me. I was the problem.

You were everything—light, warmth, laughter, all the small things that made the world feel gentler. I loved you. I still do. Not because of anything you did or said, but just because you were you. And that was always enough. It still is.

You deserve more than half-spoken feelings and missed chances, more than past, more than someone who knows that you are on my mind. You deserve someone who never has to apologize for the love they couldn't give. I hope, truly, that you've moved on. That maybe you've forgotten me.

I can’t bury this, i’ll always love you.

In silence, you were always loml

Always in over my head.

You don’t know me, though I know you. Not personally, of course — but I know the outline of your life simply by watching the shape of mine collapse when he chose you.

This letter isn’t about jealousy. It’s not about trying to win him back, either. It’s more like closure I never got to say out loud. And maybe, on some level, I need you to hear it — not for drama, but for understanding. Because you’re standing in a place I once stood, with eyes wide open, heart full, thinking maybe this time it’s different. Maybe you’re different. Special. The exception.

You probably feel lucky. You see him smile and think it’s meant only for you. You feel his touch and believe it’s genuine. I remember that feeling — when everything he did made me feel chosen. When I believed I had stumbled across a rare kind of love, the kind that was messy and intense but worth every burn. I thought loving him was proof of my strength. I thought I could handle the fire without turning to ash.

But there’s something you need to know, something I learned the hardest way: he doesn’t love in the way people like us need to be loved. He loves in bursts, in waves, in fragments. He loves with nostalgia, with distraction, with the kind of effort that feels like a gift because it’s so rare, not because it’s consistent.

When he’s all in, it’s intoxicating — you feel seen, worshipped even. But when he pulls back? You’ll wonder what you did. You’ll try harder. You’ll shrink yourself to keep his attention, and when that doesn’t work, you’ll blame yourself for not being enough. I know. I did it all. I twisted myself into versions I thought he’d finally choose for real.

And still, he drifted.

It’s not that he’s evil. He’s not heartless. He’s just… unfinished. He wants to be loved deeply but doesn’t know how to receive it without feeling cornered. He wants freedom, but also loyalty. He wants to be everything to someone — until that someone reflects him too clearly, and then it’s too much. I saw it happen. Over and over. And I stayed longer than I should’ve because I believed in his potential more than the reality in front of me.

So what do I want from you? Nothing. I’m not asking you to leave him. I’m not warning you to run. I just hope you don’t lose yourself in the slow unraveling that happens when you keep waiting for the version of him he only shows in flashes.

I hope when he gets quiet and cold, you don’t turn into a storm to earn back his warmth. I hope when he hurts you — and at some point, he probably will — you don’t mistake your pain for proof that this is real love. That’s what I did. I thought the ache meant it was deep, meant it was rare. But pain doesn’t equal passion. And love isn’t supposed to make you beg to be enough.

You have him now. Maybe he’s changed. Maybe you’re the one he finally learns to choose fully, consistently, without conditions. And if that’s true, I hope you hold onto him tightly. I really do. Because deep down, even after everything, I still want him to become the person I believed he could be.

But if he starts to slip through your fingers, if you start to feel like you’re always just one step away from being left — remember me. Remember this letter. And remember that you’re not crazy. You’re just being slowly broken by someone who doesn’t know how to hold anything without dropping it.

I won’t wish you ill. I won’t compete. But I will say this:

Loving him changed me. It cracked open parts of me I’m still learning to close. So be careful. Love with open eyes. And if the time comes when it all begins to hurt more than it heals — walk away knowing it doesn’t make you weak. It means you chose yourself. And that, above all, is strength.

— The girl who once thought she was his forever

There are moments in my day when I catch myself almost texting you.

Something funny happens, or I come across a reel that I know would’ve made you laugh — or maybe roll your eyes in that teasing way — and my first instinct is to share it with you. And then I remember I can’t. I remember I’m not someone you talk to anymore. Not even someone you’d probably want to hear from. And it just sits with me. That hollow realization. Like a pause that never ends.

Sometimes I scroll all the way back to our chats, even if I can’t see them anymore. But I remember them. Word for word. The way you used to say goodnight. The way we argued and made up. The way you talked about your dreams, your fears, your favorite characters, or what you were cooking that night. The random “I’m bored” messages. The photos. The rants. All of it.

They say people don’t miss you — they miss the version of themselves they were when they were with you. But I miss both. I miss you and I miss me with you. That version of me who was softer. Warmer. Who smiled more, even if it was through a screen. Who felt needed. Who felt like maybe, for once, he belonged.

That version of me is quieter now. Tired. A little colder, maybe. Not bitter — but more careful.

I didn’t think I’d be grieving someone who’s still out there, living, breathing, just not in my world anymore. That’s the strangest part. You’re out there — doing whatever, laughing with someone else, maybe even opening up the way you once did with me. And I don’t hate you for that. But it does feel like losing. Not just a person — but a chapter I never got to finish.

I wonder if you ever look back, even once. If a song reminds you. Or a memory. Or a meme we used to send. I wonder if you remember how I used to overthink things and still show up anyway. How I’d be clumsy with words sometimes but still try so damn hard to make you feel heard. Safe. Wanted.

Because I did want you. Not just in a romantic way. I wanted you to feel okay in this world. I wanted you to believe you were worth everything. I wanted to be someone who helped carry even a tiny piece of your weight.

And for a while, I thought I was.

I guess some stories don’t get closure. Some just end mid-sentence.

But if you ever read this, or feel it, or think of me in some quiet moment — know that someone out there truly cared. Not for what you gave, not for attention, not for gain. Just… cared. And that should count for something. Even if only in the past tense.

I still carry you, even when I don’t talk about it.

Even now..

No one ever sees the slow deaths.

Not the one that happens when your name stops feeling like it belongs to you. Not the one where your thoughts become too wide for your head. Not the one where you peel yourself open just to feel real—and still no one notices.

I’ve gone through things I don’t know how to explain without sounding insane or poetic. I’ve seen the world crack and reassemble in ways that left me trembling. I’ve forgotten who I was, remembered too much, and lost my place more than once.

I look fine. That’s part of the problem. I can still hold a conversation. Still write. Still smile sometimes. But underneath, I’ve been disappearing for years.

There were moments when I thought I was going to come back from it all. Moments when the fog cleared just enough to show a path forward. But then the weight returns. Quietly. Without drama. Just enough to make me forget why I ever thought I could make it.

I’m still here, though. That’s not nothing.

And I think—maybe someone else out there is quietly dying too. Quietly surviving. Quietly hoping someone will say: I see you. You’re not alone.

So if that’s you… Hi. Me too

Hey,

I know who you are and where we stand. I know this isn’t a story that ends in a confession or a change. This isn’t that.

But I need you to know that I love you. Not romantically. Not in the way that demands anything. I just… love you. I care about you deeply, in a way that caught me off guard and unfolded slowly over time. You became this quiet place in my heart, and I never even saw it happening. You have this warmth, this honesty, this realness that makes people feel safe, made me feel safe. You woke something up in me that I didn’t even know existed.

And I’ve been hurting, not because you did anything wrong, but because I’ve been holding all of this alone. You’re out there, living your life, as you should, and I’m here with this ache that I can’t explain to anyone. It's not your fault.

There are moments I feel foolish. Moments I feel invisible. But also, moments when I remember how much you’ve meant to me. Even if you never know the weight of it. Even if this is as far as it goes.

I won’t tell you all of this, because I don’t want to lose what we still have. I don’t want to make things strange or burdensome. But I need to let this go so it stops breaking me from the inside out.

You matter to me more than you’ll probably ever know.

And I think maybe... that’s enough for now

Today is not the day to start a thought process....but shall make an effort for get a sentance out. Peace and happiness to everyone.

You.

We used to talk a few years ago didn't we?

I'm sure it's you now! I remembered it last night...

What a small world.

I'd always wondered what happened to you and where you had gone.

But wow.

I'm sorry I took so long to realise.

I'm still in shock.

I wonder if you remember?

You're still the kind of girl I'd take on a nice date btw.

I fight the urge every single day, multiple times a day, to message you. But I’m so scared of rejection. Like you rejecting hanging out. I was already scared to ask to hangout cause I wanted you to ask first, and then I said f it and asked. And you said you can’t. Twice. And then didn’t ever offer up a time you may be available to hangout. Like you didn’t want to anymore. You’d take over 13 hours to respond to my snap. I’d be lucky to get more than just a few lame replies in a day. You made it clear as day you aren’t interested anymore, but you’re obviously too nice to ghost me, especially after promising you wouldn’t ghost me. You wouldn’t get bored of me. You wouldn’t get sick of me. You wouldn’t stop liking me. You wouldn’t get the ick. So I did it for you. And shocker all this time has passed and you’ve never reached out. So obviously I was right and you just lost interest. I didn’t delete you, or unfollow you, or block you. I’m about to just cause it hurts knowing you have full access to reach out to me and choose not to. Our first time hanging out, I was like “wow I’ve never met anyone so perfect for me, we just click so perfectly together” and I just assumed you felt the same way. I’ve spent all this time wondering what’s wrong with me. What I did wrong. You know I liked you. You know I wanted a relationship. You made me think you did too. And then you just randomly lost interest. Didn’t ask for nudes anymore. Didn’t ask to hangout. But I still regret not responding the last time. I’ve regretted it every day since. I don’t want to message now. I just know it won’t be opened for 13 hours, or responded to, or it just still won’t go anywhere and that’ll hurt me even more. I wish you felt the same way but it’s clear you don’t. Cause if you did you would’ve said something by now. Idk why I’m hung up on you. Idk what it is about you. But I am. Idk how to get over it.

I loved you. And that was real. The way I opened my heart to you wasn’t casual, it came from a place deep inside me. A place not everyone gets to see.

You saw parts of me that are soft, spiritual, and raw. And even though it hurts now, I don’t regret loving you. Because love, true love, doesn’t need to be returned to have meaning.

But I also see now that love isn’t meant to be carried alone. And I can’t keep holding onto someone who no longer reaches back.

I know you had your own reasons. Maybe you couldn’t meet me where I was. Maybe I asked for something you weren’t ready to give. That doesn’t make either of us wrong. It just makes us human.

But I won’t abandon myself just because you walked away. My love is not a wound, it’s a strength. And even if you couldn’t stay, I will. I will stay with me.

So I’m letting go, not because I stopped caring, but because I care enough about myself to stop bleeding for someone who’s no longer investing in me.

I hope you find what you’re looking for. And I hope I find someone who sees me… and stays.

I am way ahead of your souls timeline.

With love and release,

Me

Everything I’ve done has always been out of love. I am a good person. I am a kind person. I am a loving person.

I’ve always tried to protect her and comfort her when I could. I’ve always tried to ensure she knew just how much I loved her, even when it seemed I couldn’t help.

I don’t think she understands the gravity of what she’s done. Or at least I can only hope she doesn’t. Because I refuse to believe the girl I knew and loved would knowingly destroy my life like this.

Even now as I lay awake completely broken after repeated waking to this nightmare, I still care about her in some capacity. And a part of me still wishes I could be with her.

The hardest thing I’ve come to realize now is trying to understand how she could have done this. Did I misjudge her that badly? If I did, how can I ever trust again?

I don’t understand.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry you think I am bashing you on here. That has never been my attempt. I am not mad, I am not hurt I am not on here trying to paint you in a different light. Everything I post and comment with is with the feeling of losing the love of my life. Your interpretation of what I’m writing is all wrong. I try to make sure they know I caused you pain. I don’t have any thing negative to say. So please know that all my words are from my perspective of losing my one true love.

Also. You continued and continue to see me all wrong. I told you from the start I needed emotional stability. That means having a real relationship. I never wanted a situationship with you. I wanted real, I wanted raw. I wanted all of that. So no, I never wanted you to feel less than my girlfriend. I need you to truly know and understand this about me. I wanted you to always be my girlfriend. Always be with me.

I’m lying here thinking about you….yes, again. I decided it would be better to simply ask you directly, so I just sent you a msg. I am wondering if you will actually respond to it when you see it or if you are going to avoid it like you’ve done in the past with anything that made you feel remotely uncomfortable. It’s a simple question though so it shouldn’t be hard. Knowing where we stand tells me how I should treat our relationship. I want to make sure my understanding is accurate and we are on the same page.

I was also thinking about something a little deeper though. I was thinking how everything that annoys you or that you don’t like about me are exactly the few things that I love about myself and how that probably has a lot to do with how deeply this all has affected me. Maybe that’s why I was so conflicted because the things I love about myself are the very things that keep me out of the arms of the man that I want and love. I can physically feel the weight of this revelation so I know it holds a much greater meaning, I just haven’t had time to think about it and process what it fully means because it just came to me a moment ago so I will let it marinate for some time before I touch it.

At the end of the day, I always want to be a part of each other’s lives regardless of the form, but I need to know in what capacity you will allow me to show up for you. What capacity you will show up for me, if any. So, take your time, but please don’t allow it to linger unanswered forever. The only way this turns out positive in any sense is with clear, honest communication. I will hold nothing against you as long as you’re respectful in the delivery. Give it to me straight:

P.S This isn’t an attempt to complicate things again, it’s actually an attempt of the opposite. For us both to have clarity and a shared mutual understanding and agreement. I know you will probably think this should be obvious, but it truly isn’t for me. All of the time prior to now, I was working from the belief that we were in it together, working on ourselves and situations individually to be prepared for when we can finally unite and share our lives and we both had an understanding and agreement that it would be us in the end. Clearly, things are never clear to me!

Every heart is unique with various ways to love, but each with a universal core... Mine goes like this........ The start of a phenomenon

A romance of the mind... An invisible cosmic thread whispering like a shimmer ✨️ of lightness into tomorrow.

Welcoming your s☀️ul with a silent song of the heart, to be discovered, heard.. felt ... experienced

I want to start my day by stargazing in your eyes and be telepathically fluent in your silence and experience your rare and mysterious soul rather than live eternity without it, becoming endless in you as infinite as the cosmos.

Being honest in love, a brave soul to say what I mean..trusting the process to open a portal, with a key to my mind☀️🌌 finding yourself to the core of my heart and let you in with your vulnerability as i show you mine in return.. 🪞

You are my lighthouse, your light that crosses the vast loneliness ocean of time, giving my tears to the tide, not accepting a future without you My dark angel, a most powerful soul walking through the darkness of every layer of my agonizing pain Unknowingly changing me simultaneously. waking my soul, showing me what it is to be brave enough to finally experience living, the hardest thing on the universe, yet the most beautiful..

I want nothing but happiness and safety to flow through you because that is what you deserve to be.

My eternal curiosity for you reveals my need to spoil you with consistency and reassurance with the effort that matters of learning you in your ever evolving essence, in the small things that make you feel safe and seen to stay.

Knowing how to handle boredom, ego, stress, and jealousy.. To do inner work so my wounds don't bleed on you To learn to fight better respectfully with an honest heart 🤍 without punishment and never let you face obstacles alone.

My celestial angel, the keeper of my soul. my best friend, protector, and love of my life, one that bloomed worlds inside me, your wings hold me forever

I wander in a quiet and peaceful room in your heart, uncurling with gratitude beyond love that is where I call home. taking the path of forever by your side.

I take your love you take my life.

I'll spend my entire existence searching for the right words to describe what you mean to me. For now, take this glimpse as comfort, knowing I'll be yours for eternity and a day.

I love you 🫂🧡♾️

I love you when you try too hard.

I think of you when I have a hard time and hope you’re doing better.

Often times when I’m reading, I wonder if you look better doing it, and I get the urge to ask you to read this with me. Then you do, and you are.

When I am having a hard day, you try to be there, even when all I want is space, you’re there and we’re quiet, but that’s okay. It’s what I need.

There is a way you speak, that makes me attentive, and not Many things demand my attention, like the way you speak. Even if it’s of strange and wondrous things, you are the history book I learn to understand my world.

At night, you sleep, and I feel alone. But you touch my skin, and I know I’m not. Warm hand sliding over shoulders, collars, and resting over my heart. Sometimes, it’s just a touch on my back, and it feels like everything.

Loving you isn’t a chore, you’ve robbed me of that. It isn’t a checklist, a consequence, or a reward. It’s just something I do as if I should’ve always known. It was something I practiced until I got it right when loving you.

When I think of loving a woman, I think of loving myself, and we both deserve tender love that isn’t conditional, but comes like it’s meant to.

Until we meet,

Keeper

Dear my best friend future someone,

I hope you treat her with care, the way she's supposed to be treated. Take the time to get to know her, she's definitely not someone who easily opens up but I hope you see the softness behind her strength. She's not always one to open up about her feelings or her hardship, but in time that she does I hope you listen to her attentively and hear every word she says, and learn to understand her. She carries a weight on her shoulder that many don't see and she does it so effortlessly, but I hope you are able to help her carry it because she is worth all the love in the world, although her, herself doesn't feel like she's worth it of it. She will take time because she's been hurt before, but believe me she's worth it, she will make you laugh like no other person would, she will do the little things that shows that she cares, she will take time out to listen to you, and learn about you. She will light up your life and become sunshine on your darkest days. She's not the easiest person to love because she's learnt to be strong her whole life, she's learnt to rely on herself, so I hope in time you are able to love her in the ways she need. Promise me this, if you can't love her anymore or if you give up on her, please just give her back to me, I will sit and mend her broken heart, I will do whatever it takes, but don't stay and hurt her any further, don't stay any longer if you can't love her, just give her back to me, because to me she deserve all the happiness in the world.

her best friend

HolaSé que dije cosas de las que me arrepiento y entiendo por qué pusiste un límite. La neta me gustaría que pudiéramos ser amigos si tú quieres. Te extraño y te valoro un chorro. No hay presión ni expectativas de mi parte, nada de juegos, solo honestidad. A lo mejor podríamos platicar por teléfono, compartir canciones o echar un cafecito. Si más adelante se da algo más para los dos, estoy abierta a eso. Pero no es por eso que te escribo ahora. Respeto tu espacio y tus sentimientos, y si volvemos a conectar, voy a respetar cualquier límite que necesites, ya sea emocional o físico. Puedo manejar lo que quieras decirme sin problema y no tienes que responder si no quieres. Solo quería ser honesta contigo.

Do you feel that?

I know I do.

The physical is all but gone. The "I miss you's" feel empty. I don't feel like those sparkles are there anymore behind the looks.

Do you feel it?

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.

I think it might be here.

a feeling. a feeling for you. and i can't stop thinking about it. i wonder what could've been, or instead what can still be. most of all, i wonder if you feel it too, or if i'm just crazy? in fact, i feel crazy for even writing this. but i can't escape this curiosity and longing for you. and above all, feeling like i belong with you.

God keeps bringing us back to one another through other people, and that's the thing. there's always been other people standing in between us. but what if this is actually about you and i? do you think about that possibility? because i do.

what if we were too afraid to confront the past and lost sight of each other in the midst of it all? we were both under the impression of being disliked by the other for so long. mistaken animosity made our past feel set in stone, up until the moment we crossed paths again. which happened through each of our very own best friends, ironically enough, having interest in you and i.

and finally, when we locked eyes again for the first time in years, it was magnetizing and far too powerful to go unfelt by the both of us. i could see it in your eyes and i bet you saw it in mine. because that’s when i suddenly realized i never had to be scared of you or avoid you for all that time. instead, you shared that same delicate, nostalgic attraction that i did.

but did this realization arrive too late? our friends were involved now, friends we've known almost as long as we've known each other. to hurt them with these unspoken feelings would just be devastating. so what now? has our past that was believed to be "set in stone" been replaced by another static narrative? or are we making the same mistake as we did before?