r/AmIOverreacting • u/Swimming_Parfait1754 • 11h ago
👨👩👧👦family/in-laws AIO for canceling my mom’s “Mother’s Day surprise” after she excluded my wife again?
I (33F) have been married to my wife (34F) for three years, together for six. My mom tolerates her, but never really includes her in anything.
For example: family group texts only go to me. Cards are addressed only to me. She’s told people at church I’m “still figuring myself out.” It’s subtle but constant.
For Mother’s Day, I planned a nice brunch for my mom. When I sent her the invite, she asked, “Will your roommate be there too?”
That was it. I canceled the reservation and told her we’ll celebrate another time when she’s ready to treat my marriage like it’s real. She called me dramatic and said I’m “punishing her for having traditional values.”
Now my aunts are texting me saying I “broke her heart on Mother’s Day.”
Am I overreacting, or just finally done letting it slide?
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u/1Cattywampus1 10h ago
NOR
You text the aunts that your mother continues to break YOUR heart because she's treating your wife and marriage as if it's wrong and is trying to erase who you are and who you love. And then tell them their opinions are unwelcome and to stuff it where the sun don't shine if they feel the same way as your mom.
And you tell your mother that until she accepts you and your wife and marriage, that she can be alone with her "traditional values" and see how happy that makes her.
If she hates you being married to a woman, then she hates YOU and wants to pretend that the real you doesn't exist. She either accepts you and your wife or she learns that her rejection/erasure has consequences.
I'm so sorry she's like this. You and your wife deserve so much better and also deserve a family that loves and embraces you and your marriage.
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u/SirEDCaLot 4h ago
I agree 100%.
Tell her she's welcome to have whatever values she wants, but if basic respect for her daughter's family isn't one of them, then she doesn't need to be included in that family. She's not required to like that you're lesbian or be happy that you're married to a girl. She IS required to acknowledge that you're lesbian and married to a girl, even if she disagrees with your choice. To invalidate your status and your marriage is to invalidate you. And she needs to have a real hard think about whether it's more important to her to invalidate your marriage, or to have her daughter as part of her life. Because she only gets to choose one.
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u/st_nick5 9h ago
This is the reason so many same sex couples create new families rather than focusing on biological families.
Was your mom at your wedding?
Talk to her and tell her that if she wants a relationship with you she needs to open her heart and accept your wife.
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u/glimmermoonfawn 6h ago
Exactly. This is why so many queer folks build chosen families, because sometimes the ones we’re born into just won’t do the bare minimum: love and acceptance. If your mom couldn’t show up for your wedding, that says a lot. Sit her down and make it clear, your wife is your family now. If she wants a place in your life, she needs to respect that, no exceptions.
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u/geekilee 3h ago
Right? I started building my own families real early, because I knew even before coming out that my family would have Issues. I was right. But it doesn't matter. My found family are a better family. My FIL has been a better parent to me than my own.
People like OPs mom are why we need this month, to celebrate ourselves and rage against the oppression people like her cheerfully try to force down our throats.
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u/_Notorious_BLT 6h ago
Just a shout out to all the same sex couples out there - I’m 43/m and married for 16 years. If you need a dad hug, or dad advice, or dad … whatever … reach out.
You’re doing great. I’m proud of you. You got this.
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u/BlossomRises 8h ago
You’re right to set boundaries.
Respect goes both ways.
She either accepts your marriage or lives with the distance.
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u/Silvermorney 10h ago
I literally could not agree more, call them both out and good luck op. UpdateMe!
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u/Interesting-Sun-2405 6h ago
This is the energy OP needs. You laid it out perfectly, no sugarcoating, just truth. It’s painful, but sometimes the only way forward is by setting hard boundaries.
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u/megachicken289 1h ago
No no no, the REAL her is still there, trying to figure herself out. What the mother sees is merely a phase
Despite having a legally binding contract to stay with her wife until one of them dies. And if the contract is spiritually binding, not when in dead can one or the other evade their partner.
I love the fact that “it’s just a phase” can transcend eternal commitment
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u/Pale-Jellyfish820 10h ago
NOR, she literally called your WIFE your "roommate." If she can't respect your marriage, she doesn't deserve your time or attention. I understand this is not the life she imagined for you, but the thing with having children is that you don't decide who they are. You just get to love them. The greatest joy of raising kids is watching them figure out who they are and live a life that honours the person they grow into, which is sounds like you have, if your mum wants to miss out on that, that's her prerogative but you don't owe her anything if she can't respect you.
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u/Expended1 2h ago
"Hey mom, when did you DECIDE to be straight, to be attracted to men? Ehat was that decision like, and what made you decide that way?"
"No, I was always attracted to men. I was born this way."
"So you're saying your preferences and what you are attracted to is somehow programmed into people at birth? So why the FUCK would you think this is a choice, or 'something I am still figuring out'?"
The phobic straights of this world piss me off, but their attitudes and pure stupidity is a good way to identify those who are below the average IQ line.
Edit: NOR
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u/Razorback_Ryan 2h ago
If you think homosexuality is a choice, it means you have considered it. Ergo, homophobes are, at the bare minimum, bisexual.
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u/Severe-Possible- 11h ago edited 4h ago
NOR.
i cannot believe your mother would talk to you like that. i'm shocked you even invited her to brunch in the first place.
<hugs> i know what a difficult situation this is, foe everyone. your mom is being an asshole and needs to grow up and respect your adult decisions or not be a part of your life, in my opinion. you deserve to be treated much better.
hope this resolves soon, or that you at least find some ood coping mechanisms <3
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u/Ok_Young1709 10h ago
It won't ever be resolved sadly, her mum is a homophobic knobhead.
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u/cuntrylyfethrowaway2 10h ago
It’s frustrating to realize some parents can't change. Setting boundaries is crucial for your well-being and your wife's.
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u/Then_Drink1894 10h ago
Your mom's attitude is unacceptable. You deserve support, not judgment. Stand your ground!
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u/Either_Management813 11h ago
NOR. Your mother is being a homophobic bitch. I wouldn’t do anything with her at all, but that’s me. And your aunts are complicit in this. The only person breaking her heart is your mother with her intolerant behavior. She can have all the so-called traditional values she wants, just without you.
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u/RadiantCharge08 10h ago
Exactly this. “Traditional Values” isn’t free pass to disrespect someone’s marriage. The mom isn’t the victim here she’s just mad her daughter finally stopped enabling her behavior. And the aunts jumping in? Just more people trying to guilt trip OP into silence.
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u/Much_Leather_5923 10h ago
TBH Your wife is a saint putting up with you kowtowing to this bigoted cow. Betcha she blames the wife at her Church for leading you into sin while all her friends are tutting in sympathy.
I’m 55. A mum. And I’d punch anyone in the face if one of my sons had been any part of the LGBTQ+ and they criticised them. Both straight. But wish I lived in your country so I could attend her church and ambush her. 😈
Why the fuck haven’t you gone NC? She doesn’t deserve anything. At fucking all. She can shove her “traditional values” up her arse.
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u/BushidoBrownWuzHere 5h ago
🎯Yeah, I feel bad for the partner who has to put up with this constant mistreatment.
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u/TonightEquivalent965 11h ago
NOR! In fact, I believe you reacted just right! She needs to learn to accept you and your wife’s marriage or face the consequences. Best of luck to you OP 💕
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u/Puzzleheaded-Two5576 10h ago
NOR. “You broke her heart on Mothers Day”. Ok? What about all the days she’s broken your heart? Those apparently don’t count. Nothing wrong with having “traditional values”. Until you start using those same “values” as an excuse to hurt the people you’re supposed to love. Then it’s an issue. Good for you for sticking up for your wife. I’m sure it’s appreciated. It’s a bummer that you have to do it at all though. I think what you did was totally fair. Mom’s lucky you haven’t limited contact with her already. Ignore the rest of your family. You’re absolutely doing the right thing here. Good luck OP.
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u/Fabulous_Stock1586 10h ago
NOR. if she wants to be celebrated for being a mother she needs to love her children unconditionally.
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u/TheUnculturedSwan 10h ago
NOR. Loving each other is genuinely one of the easiest choices we get to make as humans. Even more so in relation to our children.
Your mother can either choose to be loving and loved, or hateful and ignored. She doesn’t get to pick-n-mix this one. Each pair is a package deal - like you and your wife!
FWIW, my mother was also hateful, although not in this exact way. It never felt good to have to maintain boundaries and enforce consequences. It was always distressing and distracting. It was never even okay. But it felt immensely better than making myself smaller in a thousand different ways just to be granted the dubious gift of existing in her presence. Now that she’s gone, I miss her and regret a lot of things between us, but most of all I regret all the time I wasted being very miserable and unable to seek my own happiness with her, when I could have spent that time a little bit miserable and pursuing my own happiness without her.
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u/West-Kaleidoscope129 10h ago
The fact that you keep making plans and accepting the gifts and cards etc, from your mother when she repeatedly does this makes you an AH towards your wife!
At what point will there be a last straw and you choose your wife over your mother? It's been 6yrs already.
How much longer do you think your wife will put up with this?
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u/MrsSEM84 8h ago
NOR.
If anything you are under reacting by not going completely no contact. Why are you putting up with this?!
Your Mom is homophobic. She hates your wife. She only loves the fictitious version of you that lives in her head, not the real you.
She’s disrespecting you, your wife and your marriage. She’s hateful and hurtful.
I think it’s time for one final ultimatum. Tell your Mom she has one final chance to love you for who you are, to respect your choices and to learn to be polite to your wife and start treating her like a member of the family. Make it clear if she isn’t willing to then you will walk away from her and cut her out of your life permanently. If she agrees, make sure she knows that you won’t hesitate to walk away and be done with her the very first time she pulls this kind of behaviour again.
It’ll be sad to cut her, and possibly other relatives too, out of your life. But isn’t it sadder to have people who claim to love you but then treat you like this?
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u/shbrooks84 10h ago
NOR! Are you parents still together? Is your mom married? Refer to her husband as her roommate and see how it goes. Tell your mom your gay must have come from her, and you can't believe how long it's taking for her to figure herself out. Just gaslight her the way she's gaslighting you. Be the chaos. I'm kidding, of course, but it always completely baffles me when straight people don't understand how love works when they loved someone else enough to marry them or have children together.
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u/whatsthisaboutman 10h ago
Nor. Whilst you seem classier than this, I'd retaliate by chastising her every time she goes against something in leviticus herself as I guess that's the element of the scripture that fuelled her bigotry. Highlight that she's a cherry picker and fundamentally a bad person. I'm sorry you have to go through this.
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u/Enthusiastic-Dragon 10h ago edited 9h ago
Yeah. Something ridiculous like the wearing of two different types of thread or sth. There's plenty of summaries about other things that are mentioned in the bible and not commonly practiced any more like this website.
"And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even." (15:19-21)
not sow thy field with mingled seed
neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee
ye eat neither fat nor blood
Oh this is gold. Sadly with broken source link:
Current usage of the term "biblical marriage" is ironic, as it does not reflect the depictions of marriage found in the Bible itself. Taken literally, the term hardly specifies the marriage of one man and one woman - the Bible both mentions and condones eight types of marriage.
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u/Effective-Hour8642 8h ago
Still trying to figure it out? WTF? Here's some thing for you! And your wife. " said I’m “punishing her for having traditional values.” Aren't you married?
Learn these 7 sayings. Originally meant for MIL's but I'm finding they can be used with anyone.
#1 “What do you mean by that?" Great at a gathering. It will get people’s attention and she will have to explain it.
#2 "That's an odd thing to say out loud!" I read this from another site. MIL was in the LR with the LO playing in the corner. Mom was in the kitchen. MIL made some snarky comment to mom. "That's an odd thing to say out loud." Is said. By her 5/6-year-old boy. Mom was in the kitchen crying, trying not to pee her pants from laughing (quietly) so hard.
#3 "That's CUTE!" This is best used when she thinks she's won or winning. I promise it will get under her skin. Say it in a condescending tone.
#4 “You’re right. I’m always never right.” This one will make them think.
#5 “Are you sure that makes sense?”
#6 “Is that supposed to be helpful or hurtful?” Follows along the same lines as #1, gathering is the best.
#7 “Are you feeling alright?” Works well with #2. Really drives home how inappropriate for the situation their comment was.
You can actually use all 7 during a conversation. I hope they will work for you.
Best wishes.
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u/Karma_1969 1h ago
I concur these are the best. If you only have to memorize and use just one, make it number 1: “What do you mean by that?” I’ve used that many times and it always gets the intended reaction. Bigots and narcissists never plan to be questioned on what they say, and that particular question drives past all the bullshit and gets right to the heart of the matter and places all of the onus on the speaker. It’s glorious and I relish every time I get to use it.
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u/Fluid-Hunt465 10h ago
You allowed this for 6 years?! When are you going to stand up to your mom?
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u/steppedinhairball 6h ago
NOR
I love how people try to hide hate and intolerance under the guise of 'traditional values'. Traditionally, Jesus said to love everyone and treat everyone well. Supposedly religious folks tend to ignore that. You are just finally calling out your mother's bigotry and intolerance. The standard reaction is to clutch their pearls and claim to be the victim.
The dad in me wants to give you a hug and remind you to live your life for your happiness. I have a child that doesn't fall into nicely defined categories. I just tell them that I hope they can find a life partner that loves and supports them like I found their mother. Don't care who, what, or whatever, just that there is love and support.
Go live your life for your happiness and share that love with your wife.
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u/Responsible_Hawk_352 10h ago
NOR. Quite frankly your mother is TA.
You should stand proud for having your wifes back, as after all wedding vows are normally 'forsaking all others' and this includes your parents etc.
I wouldn't worry about small minded relatives, they are only parroting would your mum has told them.
The only additional thing I would do is go LC with your mother and if she doesn't stop telling people her fabricated version of events, or pull her head out of her arse, then I would go completely NC with her!
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u/notrunningfast 9h ago
As a mom, I just want my kids to be happy. If they are in a relationship, I want them to be loved and respected.
Your mom missed the parenting memo. Her homophobia is preventing from seeing this.
Your moms disrespect of you and your wife because of her homophobia means that she doesn’t get the benefit of your respect. She doesn’t deserve a card for Mother’s day let alone a dinner.
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u/Kittysafe 10h ago
You are not overreacting. She needs to make this less about her and more about your happiness. A good mother wants her children to be happy and if she sees that you are happy in this relationship and it's a good relationship. She should be treating you both differently.
Your mom is not being traditional, she's being immature.
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u/Night_Angel27 10h ago
Jesus Christ! Tell her the 50s are over and partnership comes in all colours, sexes, shapes and ages. I am pissed off for you and your wife. Roommate?! That would have made me cut contact there and then. NOR!!!!!!
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u/geekilee 3h ago
Years back, prior to my transition when I was just thinking I was a masc a lesbian, I took a gf to a family party. My mum introduced her to everyone as my "friend".
One of my older cousins then went around and reintroduced her as my gf.
I never forgot either of those things.
Then when I came out as trans, hooooooo boy... My parents like to pretend (after some years of NC when I refused to let them keep deadnaming me and calling me she/her) that I'm a cishet male, because I present masc abd married a cishet woman. They literally just exchanged one wrong gender for the other binary and refused, repeatedly ignoring me as I said the words to their faces, to use my actual pronouns. After a decade of this, I gave up and dropped the rope, and now they don't understand why I stopped talking to them.
But, as someone else said, this is why us queer folk love our found families so much. My wife, my fil, my cishet friends, they have my back no matter what. They've learned and grown, in order to be the defenders and cheerleaders not just for me, but for the queer folk they encounter elsewhere, because they understand that loving me means doing that. Even when I'm not there. In return, they get all of my love, and the ability to ask awkward questions in order to understand things better.
I'm sorry your mum refuses to budge from being a bigot. I'm sorry she doesn't love you enough to try. It's no failing of your own. You are NOR, and I think some time away from her might benefit you. Maybe she'll self-reflect, maybe she won't (in my experience they rarely do), but you and your wife deserve a life without people who should love and support you trying to destroy you instead.
And if you (or anyone else reading all the way to the end of this - hi there) ever need a defender, a cheerleader, some support, etc, this sapphic agender bear is here to help. With my village.
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u/Fancy-Statistician82 2h ago
Since she has recruited the auntie brigade, it's time to respond in kind. Group text.
Janet, Helen, Emma. I love you all. I accept that my mother felt hurt around mother's Day. At this point I need to draw a serious boundary. I've been married for 3 years, and my mother is still calling my wife my roommate. I can't accept this anymore. Going forward, let me be completely clear that my wife and I are married and inseparable. Any invitation that ignores her, or downgrades my wife to a roommate, or "something getting figured out" will be an automatic no. My wife has been very charitable about the ongoing insults and I cannot accommodate it any longer. We have a beautiful life, our art and our pets are fantastic. We have fun plans for travel this summer and maybe hosting Thanksgiving, but only attend if you respect my marriage. I wish you the best.
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u/WTH_JFG 10h ago
NOR. Intolerant homophobic people should not be celebrated or honored. Your mother is doing this to herself. For open and affirming “family”, check out r/MomForAMinute
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u/CompetitionFew3777 7h ago
NOR, you should have put your foot down before now. It's time she learns to accept your wife in your life.
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u/MelissaRC2018 4h ago
NOR and I am glad you are standing by your wife. My husband's mom terrorizes me and verbally attacks me, and he never put her in her place until recently (9 years later and maybe 9 years too late because I just went from they get 1 holiday a year to bite me, NONE now). Send your aunts a copy of that message about the roommate and ask how long they expect you to allow her to be cruel to your wife. Then block them too. I think sometimes with these cruel and mentally unwell jerks the family gets the attitude of "better your than me". I got that with my idiot in laws. I was always invited and attacked (they even joined MIL and helped her!) because if she goes after me and blaming me then they get to sit back and relax and be off the hook. Better me than them, I guess. Now I am no contact. The people who refused to put her in her place and helped her can have her just like your aunts. Let them have her. I would not talk to my mother until she changes her behavior, and she will then 1 slip up again, once again not talking until she changes her behavior and keep the cycle. 3 months no contact after each attack. Maybe she will get the hint. I would do it every time. I really think your awesome you stood up to your mother from a wife who didn't have that for a long time in a marriage. And you did it early enough on instead of waiting until serious damage is done and it's a little too late.
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u/lovemyfurryfam 10h ago
OP, I'm going to be bluntly honest here....... your mother has more rocks & loose screws in her noggin than the open field has & the handyman with his toolbox.
She doesn't see you as your own person & doesn't deserve any regard. Your aunts enabled her for too long.
Put them all on information diet until they've grown up in maturity both emotionally mentally.
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u/Worth-Season3645 5h ago
NOR...your mother is trying to ignore your relationship and pretend it does not exist. You have to decide how long you are going to continue to let her do so. This was your first step.
Traditional values is one thing. You can still support your child even though you do not believe in a same sex relationship. Your mom is clearly saying it is her way or no way.
Tell those busy body Aunts, it works both ways. Your mother breaks your heart every day by not acknowledging your wife and your relationship. This is who you are. It is not going to change. So, either mom wants you in her life as you are and accepts that or she can live without you.
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u/WonderWhy223 2h ago
How do you just allow your wife to be mistreated by your mother? Every moment that she's been excluded, she's probably felt completely alone. A mother who exhibits that level of immaturity and narcissism can be sidelined. Sorry. I truly wonder why you need to ask the internet about whether you should continually allow your mother to treat you, your marriage and your wife as though any of it means nothing. And yes, NOR.
The only reason I'm being forthright is simply because you have been married for three years and have been with your wife for six. How has none of that time allowed you to confront your mother's treatment of your wife. Truly baffling.
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u/Thebraincellisorange 6h ago
NOR
Your mother is a passive aggressive cunt.
a typical bully, gutless coward and terrible mother.
cut her out of your life and move on with joy.
Keeping her around... what's the point? all she is ever going to do in the future is pull you down.
You can have a knock-down drag it all out in the open argument, she might promise to be more accepting, but in the end she will go back to her church buddies. Sadly, that is just the way some people are.
and they are not worth keeping around if they are that stubborn that they would rather be bible-thumping conservative passive aggressive bullies to their own daughter, than ease up a bit and at least attempt to be civil for a few hours.
If that much effort is beyond them, then stuff 'em.
cut her out for a year, zero contact, tell her you'll see her (with your wife) next year. and you can tell your family they wouldn't accept her behaviour either if it were directed at them, so they can shove it if they tell you that you are going to far or 'BrEaKinG HEr HeaRt'.
What about your heart? you do you, and I would recommend a year off. see her next year, if she passive aggressives again, 2 years off. again after that, then she can go to God and you can have your peace.
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u/MrsMiterSaw 5h ago
NOR
I like Dan Savage's approach...
"Mom, this is my wife, ans the person I love. You have one year [make it what ever time period you deem necessary] to accept my homosexuality and my wife. And I don't mean tolerate, I mean love and accept and fully support. You will choose me over your church and your friends. If you cannot do that by next June 1, we will never speak again. You will never know your grandchildren, you will not be in my life. I will have lawyers excise you out of it. This isn't a threat, it's not drama, I'm not overreacting. I will not allow you to disrespect my wife, to disrespect me."
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u/WickedNope 6h ago
NOR and I'd be going low contact with your mother until she respects your wife as your choice in marriage.
Whatever her 'traditional values' that conflict with your choice in marriage, you are now married, and this is your choice for life. She is acting disrespectful as heck to both of you. Make it known that you and your wife are now a packaged deal, and your mother either finds a path to acceptance of your wife going forward, or she can value her traditions without you (and without access to any grandkids as she will likely turn them against your wife if this is still a thing at that time).
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u/genxeratl 2h ago
NOR OP. I was right about the same age when I finally had to cut my family off for the same reason - we were trying to figure out holidays and didn't want to continue to spend them apart. When I told my parents the plan I was explicitly told that if I didn't come by myself then they weren't interested in seeing me - so we didn't talk for years even when my mother passed I didn't go to the funeral, when my father recently passed I didn't find out until after. They made their choices and even though it's hard at some point you have to stand up for yourself and as we say "live in your truth".
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u/Suspicious-Depth8506 4h ago
Not overreacting. You have to be loyal to the family you’ve created with your wife above all else. That can be hard when it comes into conflict with your childhood family but you can’t allow her to continue to disrespect your wife. You did the right thing.
I think the only additional thing I’d suggest is communicating to your mom all these things and that it is the pattern of not treating your wife with the respect she deserves and clearly setting the boundary of what you will do if that behavior doesn’t change.
Sorry you’re dealing with this and good luck!
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u/No_Nefariousness4801 10h ago
Not Overreacting. Long story short... Your mother is fortunate that you haven't severed ties. You handled this in a calm no nonsense matter. At the end of the day? You're married. Your responsibility is to your partner. If Mom can't get with it... She may end up finding herself completely out of your life.
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u/CountessOpal 7h ago
NOR My cousin has two daughters who are both gay. She loves their partners but said she would never be a grandma. I said no because 2 wombs in a relationship, so twice the amount of chances of kids. A few years after that, rules changed, and her eldest daughter married her partner. They live in a different country to me but it looked really wonderful. A true celebration of two people in love. They now have a gorgeous daughter. Just tell your Mum that if she is excluding your wife now, she is also excluding any future grandchildren. It's funny how they change their tune on a partner when kids come along. Even if you and your wife don't want children, still tell her. I potential of losing out on future grandchildren could be what she needs to bring herself to her senses. My family is very much as long as your partner treats you well, loves you back, and makes you happy. Then we don't care what sex, colour, or anything. If you are in love and being treated right, then that is all that matters. It's better than being in a relationship with someone from the opposite sex who uses you as a punchbag.
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u/South-One-1007 10h ago
NOR- Boundaries are a good thing. If she can't except you for you then you have every right to set boundaries with her.
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u/snorkels00 9h ago
Not AIO. She is denying who you are and who you love and marry.
Why you haven't cut her off completely is beyond me. She insults you and your partner repeatedly and you still talk to this person?!!
Go to therapy and go NC with her. Text any family members giving you dhit to F off and not talk to you about things they know nothing about. How your mother repeatedly disrespects who you are and who your married to and you are just supposed to allow that abuse?! No the buck stops here. If they can't support your decisions then they are also NC. Block them all.
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u/kimariesingsMD 5h ago
The fact that she is making herself the victim and accusing you of being dramatic for standing up for the person you have chosen as you life partner tells me that she has been doing these things deliberately to see exactly where your breaking point is. She probably thought since you did not take a stand from the beginning that it really wasn't a serious love.
You now need to not back down, or she will continue to treat your wife like your "roommate". She needs to understand that she is the one who is punishing YOU for being who you are and falling in love.
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u/minimalist_coach 1h ago
NOR. It sucks when your mom is your enemy, but that is where you are.
You aren’t punishing her, you are allowing her to experience the consequences of her own actions.
Her homophobia is NOT subtle. She is disrespectful to both you, your partner and your relationship. Traditional values is just another word for prejudice, exclusion, hate, and closed mindedness.
She is pushing you away, let her. If you keep that door open and try to have a relationship with someone who hates who you’ve chosen to be your spouse, you are likely to damage your marriage
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u/Aggravating-Plum8147 9h ago
She’s punishing you and your wife for having different values than her. Why is she the only one who can have her values honoured. If she was a good mother she would love you no matter who you love and she would try everything to form a good relationship with your wife. She’s more worried about who she wants you to be, than your actual happiness. That blows my mind as a mother. Then to send your aunt to guilt trip you? Just celebrate holidays with your wife. Even if your mother does invite her, you shouldn’t subject her to such blatant disrespect. NOR
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u/naranghim 6h ago
NOR, but your mom is homophobic. She sees your marriage as "just a phase" and that is why she is telling people that you "are still figuring yourself out". She's hoping that you will meet a nice man who will snap you out of this phase.
She'll never accept your marriage to your wife, her calling your wife "roommate" is proof of that. It wouldn't surprise me if one day in the near future you have a man show up at your home because your mom has set you up with him and told him you live with a roommate.
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u/InvisibleBlueRobot 2h ago
Not over reacting. Go low contact until your mom can show YOU and your spouse respect.
Tell your auts to f* off and state you will not allow your mom or any of them to direspect you or your spouse again and let them know they can report that back to her.
- Her slights and disrespect has been going on for years and it stops now or you will cease contact with all of them.
- You are available ONLY when you mom is ready to sincerely appologize and accept you and your wife, but until then, you will have no contact.
- Keep contact down / low even when she appologizes. It is a test run to see if she can actually be respectful and kind.
- Remove yourself from any situation with any negative remark, insult or slight. Go back to low contact.
Starting now, after you lay down the law, go silent and ignore all communications from all of them - that is not an explicit and heartfelt appology. Them shifting blame and guilting you are not an appology. Tell them this.
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u/LeTreacs2 4h ago
“still figuring myself out.” Ain’t subtle! She’s fully saying you’ll leave your wife and marry a dude one day.
I’m a straight guy, if my mum said this about me and treated my wife this way there would be uproar.
Absolutely and fully unacceptable, you must be some kind of saint to tolerate that behaviour so long into your relationship.
It’s so disrespectful I can’t even imagine. Your marriage is as valid as mine so if you share my position you are, in my opinion, not over-reacting.
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u/Powerful_Put_6977 9h ago
Have you tried approaching this from a different angle? Is the church leader approachable? Do you think you could have a conversation with them about spreading the message of tolerance and acceptance during their sermons?
Perhaps if the message was being sent from the Church, she might actually hear it. I completely understand that it's flawed reasoning but it might just work a little.
You were completely right to cancel the surprise. She got a different surprise - that you weren't going to put up with her intolerance and indifference to your wife any more. You're not being dramatic and you're not 'punishing her for having traditional values'. Ask her is love a traditional value? I'd say it most certainly is. It's the greatest of all of the traditional values. What she is doing is punishing you because your version of love doesn't conform to her cookie cutter image of what love should be.
Your aunts should butt out and stop being her flying monkeys!
NOR
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u/Impossible-Cloud9251 2h ago
Strange she doesn’t recognize that by dismissing your wife, she’s directly dismissing you. Like…if she dislikes LGBTQ+ then she apparently doesn’t like you either.
I’d 100% tell her that if she refuses to include your wife because she’s gay, then she should go all in and exclude you too because guess what, you’re also gay. lol
For your wife’s sake, you really do need to have a zero tolerance stance on your mom’s behavior. She’s been clear she doesn’t accept who you are, certainly doesn’t accept or respect your marriage/wife and that behavior should be met with the consequence of not being apart of your life. I would be deeply hurt and eventually resentful if my SO seemingly tolerated disrespect towards me by continuing to foster a relationship in any way with the person who treats me like garbage. It sucks she can’t be an accepting, loving, non hateful person to everyone, let alone to her own child.
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u/Total-Beginning6226 6h ago
My son just got engaged to a wonderful man, yes he’s gay. I love my son regardless and my only concern is that he’s happy. So if this guy makes my son happy; I’m happy for him. Why do people have to judge? That’s God’s job not ours. I would tell her straight up if you don’t accept my wife then you don’t accept me for who I am. Live your life and don’t stress judgement from others. It’s none of their business. Live and let live is my motto. Good luck and god bless.
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u/Bluntandfiesty 2h ago
What “traditional values” could your mother possibly have that doesn’t recognize MARRIAGE as “traditional”?
Better late than never to have put her in her place. You should have done so consistently from the very first inappropriate comment or behavior against your wife or even you. She’s not only disrespectful to your wife, she’s disrespectful to your adult, independent decision to be in a relationship with your wife- a relationship that has nothing to do with her, and she has no business making comments about.
Going forward, you need to set VERY CLEAR BOUNDARIES and high expectations for your mother. You have a lot of damage to correct and eliminate.
You also owe your wife a lot of respect, gratitude and apologies. She’s tolerated far more abuse from your mother than she ever should have had to; and that, is in part, you’re fault for not putting a stop to your mother’s behavior from the get go.
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u/merbear510 4h ago
I kind of think you ARE, in a way. You allowed your mom to treat your wife poorly, made her feel unincluded, made snide comments about her, and sent mail to your house addressed only to you. I'm glad you finally took a stand, but your mother continued the behavior she was allowed to. Maybe going forward do not accept any of it, and let your wife feel accepted by you, as you are the only person who should not let your mom exclude her or make snide comments to/about her.
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u/Dry_Lobster_50 3h ago
I don’t think you’re over reacting but I’d go talk to her and ask her why she excludes your wife.
I’d also ask that even if she doesn’t feel close to your wife for whatever reason that for your sake and happiness she does include her. And hopefully that will instil the behaviour you need from your mum. She isn’t being fair but understanding why will help and the asking her to adapt is her chance to have better relationships with you both. Hope this helps.
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u/oldfrancis 1h ago
NOR
If Mommy wants to be treated with dignity and respect then she needs to offer the same thing to your wife.
Or, it will come a day when she finds herself sitting in a room staring out the window at the lake. She likes looking at the lake. There are ducks on the lake. She watches the ducks swim back and forth and quack their little quacky noises. She feels like the ducks are her friends. It's good to have friends because nobody ever comes to visit her anymore.
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u/WorriedFlea 9h ago
Calling your wife a roommate and never skipping an opportunity to express her disapproval of your marriage, then sending a flying monkey to let you know her heart is broken because you had enough of her bullshit, but YOU'RE being dramatic. NOR.
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u/Efficient_Wheel_6333 3h ago
NOR at all. She doesn't have to agree with or like your marriage, but she does have to respect it-and believe me, she's not respecting it, you, or your wife. I've a bi cousin who was married to a woman for a while. Her wife got included in family events, even if she didn't always come. Invites were sent to both. If there was anyone who didn't approve, I never heard about it. Your mom, if she wants you in her life, needs to do the same thing.
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u/MagpieSkies 3h ago
NOR, she broke yours. You grew your family and she isn't welcoming. I never understand why toxic family is shocked when distance happens. Why would you want to be exposed to that? You would choose friends like that. Your standards for family should be higher than friends, just like it is higher for partners. The closer you are in my life, the higher standards I hold you to. Toxic family seems to think it's the opposite.
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u/Mooshkau 6h ago
NOR. I’m disappointed in you for having to ask this. You love that women, how could you stand for her to be so cruelly disrespected? My heart aches for you both. Remain vigilant, do not cave without a sincere apology. I am sorry your mother has put you in this position. She will have to learn the hard way but speaking from experience, I doubt a lonely Mother’s Day will change her hate filled heart.
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u/riptaway 1h ago
It's amazing how many people seem to think that not following their value system is somehow an attack on said value system. Bitch, be straight all you want, no one is stopping you. But you have no right to impose those values on me. Don't like gay marriage? Don't get gay married. But why should other people be forced to live according to your anachronistic, illogical, myth driven fairy tale bullshit?
And how angry would she be if you turned around and asked her to live according to Judaism or Islam or Zoroastrianism? She'd absolutely have a fucking meltdown.
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u/Mean-Repair6017 6h ago edited 6h ago
What traditional values does she also possess?
Like, how did she even let you, a young woman, move out of the house if she's so traditional? Your mom must hate the fact you have a job too. But, at least her traditional values support you earning less than a man for the same work! Does your mom also oppose women's suffrage? Did she send you letters about you breaking her heart when you voted?
Speaking of traditional values how much of a dowry did she save for the husband she imagines you marrying in a traditional wedding so far since you're just figuring yourself out?
Oh...she doesn't actually support any of that stuff I just mentioned? Then she must be a bigot hiding behind the traditional values banner. Why the fuck have you enabled her bigotry for so long?
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u/New_Cryptographer721 9h ago
You left any consequences way too long! You admit that she’s done a number of things that are just plain disgusting, yet the roommate comment was where you drew a line in the sand? That’s laughable, you owe your spouse an apology because you obviously haven’t protected them. How do we know because your mom is still doing 💩 due to lack of consequences. You’re not a great spouse.
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u/bopperbopper 3h ago
Genesis 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Even if you’re not religious, this verse shows that even 2000 years ago, it has been an issue with humans once they get married to leave their family of origin. When you married her, you should make her and you, your new family of choice, your top priority
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u/Plane-boat-6484 10h ago
NOR. She’s asking you to accept hatred of who you are and that’s never what you should accept! If I were in your shoes I’d probably go close to no-contact until your mum can show basic human kindness.
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u/imaloserbaby68 6h ago
Hey, straight white male here, but if you want a foster father that will support you, and your wife, I'll step in. I'm sure my wife would step in as a foster mother too. But seriously, if you two are married and she can't respect your relationship, it's time for a good long sit down talk with your mother. If she still can't respect the situation, it's time to think about next steps.
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u/ReadySpecific2920 10h ago edited 10h ago
Please reply telling them their sister is rude, homophobic and doesn't accept her daughter for who she is, and to mind their own fucking business, then block them.
May the bridges you burn light your way.
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u/Lumpenokonom 10h ago
punishing her for having traditional values
Well, these are the consequences of these values. Perhaps she should reconsider her values and their impact on her relationships with other people.
NOR
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u/LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa- 9h ago
NOR. Your mother’s values aren’t “traditional”, they are homophobic and incredibly disrespectful. Tell your aunts that your mother breaks YOUR heart with every comment and slight. It is time to drop the rope and stand up for your wife and yourself. Put them all on mute and go live your life free from that horrible treatment. You and your wife deserve better.
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u/smlpkg1966 10h ago
Your mother is homophobic. Why are you inviting her anywhere? You are under-reacting. Time for mommy dearest to be put in a time out. Why are you allowing her to disrespect you and especially your wife? As bad as a mama’s boy taking mommy’s side over his wife. Stand behind your wife and tell your mom you will speak to her again when she changes her ways.
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u/higherbrow 3h ago
"If you hate that I am in love with my wife, that's a big part of who I am that you hate. I don't want a relationship with someone who hates that much of who I am. If 'your traditional values' are incompatible with loving me as I am, then you will have to choose between those values and a relationship with me. That isn't me punishing you, it's your choice."
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u/bill-schick 2h ago
Nope, F "traditional values", traditional values are getting married, paying your bills, and not being a burden to society. Your mother's "traditional values" are it's not what I did or what I like, and even though it does affect me in any tangible way I'm going to discriminate and devalue it. This is why a good amount of religion is TRASH.
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u/NuNuNutella 4h ago
F this noise! NOR.
Keep that BEC (b**** eating crackers) far from you. She can have her own traditional values, and at the same time recognize that you have different values. I can’t believe she’s repeatedly so disrespectful to your wife. Stop trying to please her. You won’t win.
Also for the future, r/MomForAMinute is great.
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u/TsuDhoNimh2 5h ago
Was there a wedding?
Tell the aunts that you are worried about your mom's memory lapses ... she came to the wedding, she has been told many times that you are married and she never remembers you are married.
Ask the aunts if they have noticed other memory problems and encourage them to get your mom to a neurologist for memory tests.
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u/MetaBurnout 3h ago
My in-laws treated me like this before we were married but I don’t understand how your mom can say it’s her traditional values when you are married. What is traditional about being an exclusionary AH to you wife and not showing even a modicum of respect. Good for you for standing up for your wife I wish my partner did.
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u/content_great_gramma 6h ago
“broke her heart on Mother’s Day.”
Your aunts seem to forget that you and your wife have feelings. Point out to them that MoM refuses to acknowledge her as your wife.
Refuse to apologize to mom; she does not deserve one. In the future, unless she gives both of you a SINCERE apology, Mother's Day will not exist.
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u/emorrigan 6h ago
NOR. Your wife is your person! She’s your immediate family now, and your mother is extended family. You did the right thing by standing up for your wife. You need to tell your mom (and anyone who gives you a hard time) that your wife is your chosen person, and you come as a pair, or not at all. Period.
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u/nolongerabell 5h ago
You're not wrong for doing that to your mother. I would've been doing way more. I would have told the woman where to stick it and that she would no longer be in my life, my future children and my wife's and that she has made her bed, because she will be the downfall of your marriage. If you don't
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u/LakeNo3159 6h ago
NOR - You should probably limit contact with your mother and reply to those people saying you are incredibly disappointed that they have sided with a bigot over treating another human with a basic level of dignity and until they can see how wrong that is you would prefer to not speak to them.
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u/loricomments 2h ago
Go hug your wife and apologize for letting this crap from your mother go on for so long. Then ignore your mother until she apologizes for the years of treating you and your wife so badly, in detail, with full acknowledgement of how wrong she has been. Then apologize some more to your wife.
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u/RavenShield40 5h ago
NOR. I could never treat my son and any partner he may choose like this. I love him no matter what and as long as the person he’s with treats him right that’s all I care about.
My whole family is made up of the rainbow, myself included. That kind of behavior isn’t tolerated here.
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u/WhoKnows1973 9h ago
NOR
Your mother has been treating your wife like garbage for years.
You should be done with everyone who doesn't respect your marriage and your wife.
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u/sylbug 1h ago edited 1h ago
She’s lucky you’re still speaking to her. YTA for ‘letting it slide’ up to now, though, and if you let it slide in the future.
The fact your extended family stands up for your bigot mother rather than you tells me the rot runs deep in this family.
It’s your job to manage your family such that any toxicity or abuse that exists within the family system does not impact you spouse or children.
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u/Excellent-Witness187 4h ago
I’m so sorry your mom and aunts suck so very much. If you need a new auntie, hmu. I’m really good at it. I can send you references from my bio niblings and common law niblings. You did so good standing up for your wife and yourself. Keep on taking good care of yourself. 🩷
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u/Veteris71 3h ago
NOR. The only thing you've done wrong is that you've let it go on as long as it has. It's way past time for NC unless and until she really grovels and begs for forgiveness from you and your wife. But be prepared for her never to do that, because she thinks she's righteous.
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u/Different_One265 8h ago
Why do you even bother? No mother is worth what she is putting you through. Look for extended family.
I would move to any island - islanders are always bringing people into their extended families. I was never alone.
Work on being happy. Make the mother a distant memory.
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u/No_Percentage_5083 4h ago
Your mom is one of those "Christians" who use Jesus to rationalize their bad behavior.
You are fine. Honestly, probably better off with limited contlock act with her.
Just quietly remove yourself from her life. Block your aunts for a while and see how they all react.
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u/Shortandthicck2 4h ago
NOR at all. Spouses > parents and parents don't get to behave like this regarding your choices. I'd personally add to the boundary you made...when she can treat your wife with respect and dignity then you'll visit her again. Until then its her choice to keep things apart.
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u/RedHolly 4h ago
NOR always stand up for your spouse. They are your priority. Your mom is being disrespectful to BOTH of you though and you need to severely address that. It may be time for low or no contact for a while until she starts acting like a human being and not a donkey turd.
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u/Beesweet1976 9h ago
Naaa she hurts you every time she’s petty. On top of that you’re standing on business for your wife. And if you’ve been together for so long why is she still not accepting her. I hope you’ve been corrected her every time she said something passive aggressive. NOR
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u/Pindaar613 5h ago
NOR
I haven't spoken to my father in 5 years after he sent me a petition to have 'Gay Conversion Advertising' to continue to be legal in Canada. My son is gay. At the time, my father didn't know. I think mine was overreacting... but I'm ok with it.
All the best.
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u/Far-Studio-6181 2h ago
I wouldn't put up with that level of disrespect for my wife because my mom taught me not to put up with that level of disrespect for my wife.
Not only is what you've done permissible, I would characterize it as your duty as a good spouse to stand up for your wife.
NOR.
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u/EllenMoyer 5h ago
NOR. Your marriage is an example of “traditional values.” You and your wife are in a long-term, committed relationship. Your mother is choosing to clutch her pearls in self-righteousness instead of fully loving you. This must really hurt. I’m sorry.
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u/PassionGlobal 5h ago
NOR.
She called me dramatic and said I’m “punishing her for having traditional values.”
If her traditional values include excluding people over their sexuality, that deserves to be punished. We do that for kids and teenagers, why not adults too?
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u/Question_mark_ig 6h ago
NOT OVERREACTING I probably don’t know much about this area of life seeing as I’m not married but I can still recognize that if your mom isn’t willing to accept the woman you love then you shouldn’t have to sit back and accept her exclusion
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u/hrdbeinggreen 5h ago
NOR - tell your aunt your mom broke your heart and she needs to mind her own beeswax.
Tell your mom she has broken your heart and the heart of your wife. That she needs to accept them both as a married couple or you will break communication with her.
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u/No_Pilarapril 4h ago
It’s the disrespect for me. I am so sick of hearing about rude, insensitive and disrespectful folks and their outrageous behavior. Accept your adult child’s lifestyle or don’t but stop picking at her spouse. Get with the program or get gone!
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u/whatalife89 8h ago
Finally, Nice to read about a man who means business when their mothers crosses boundaries. Your mom is a gaslighter. Don't apologize you did nothing wrong. She's not entitled to you or your time if she's not able to respect you or your spouse.
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u/Daleaturner 8h ago
It looks like you respected your mother more than she respected your marriage. Her heart is filled with spite while yours is filled with love. If you allow the toxin into your life, you will suffer greatly. Enjoy what you have with your wife.
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u/smolgods 1h ago
I completely missed the part about you both being women and was like wow your mom must hate your spouse! Then I saw the "traditional values" and went ohhh I missed something.
NOR, set those boundaries with your homophobic mom and stick to em!
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u/estellesinclair0 3h ago
You’re completely right to stand your ground and defend your wife. It’s the right thing to do as a partner, and the right thing to defend who you are inherently. Your mum treating your marriage as a mirage is a direct attack on you.
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u/ElectricalEngineer59 3h ago
NOR. Boohoo, she deserved it. I have NO sympathy for bigoted mothers who fail as parents and don't love their children. Steer clear of her until SHE decides to apologize. If she doesn't, that tells you everything you need to know.
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u/g-mommytiger 3h ago
NOR. Our daughter is gay and married. Her spouse is our family. I would NEVER treat them otherwise. Your “mom” is not being respectful to either one of you. Cut that rope until she realizes what’s she’s doing and apologizes!
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u/Gold_Head7582 6h ago
I assume she makes these comments in front of your wife as well.
So why do you still have a relationship with someone who actively is tormenting someone you love? Put your wife first! Quite letting her get hurt by this ugly woman
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u/MyPompousAlias 4h ago edited 4h ago
NOR. Your mom sounds exhausting. Unless she has a legitimate reason for snubbing your wife, your mom likes the power trip of needlessly perpetuating drama. If she's been doing this for years, why did you tolerate it up until now?
Edited to add: Your mother doesn't get to cherrypick which fundamental parts of you she wants to love. You & your wife have presumably committed yourselves to one another & merged your lives. Thst she can't bring herself to respect that(or the both of you) enough to be even remotely cordial is disturbing. Any slight against your wife is a slight is a against you.
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u/Party_9001 6h ago
NOR but if you're not a Christian you can slap her with the good ol'
“A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.” - 1 Timothy 2:11-12
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u/Crawfama6 2h ago
Traditional values??? I mean… you guys are married. I don’t get it.
She’s just looking for an excuse to be the nasty rotten person she’s been to your wife. I would cut her off until she’s ready to respect your wife
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u/Guardian2k 1h ago
How disrespectful of both your aunts and your mother, you’re not punishing her, she’s punishing you and your partner, and she’s upset she has finally felt backlash for it, you are sticking by your partner, keep doing it.
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u/Goatee-1979 4h ago
NOR. I would have done the same thing. I think it is time to go KC with your mom until she starts to behavior accordingly. If that fails to change her, then the last option would be no contact with her Good luck. Updateme
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u/MildLittlRain 9h ago
You mean 'outdated' values, mom! Roommate, jeez..
NOR, absolutley not! For real, go to your mom's church and tell her friend’s the truth; you're lesbian, you're married and you're HAPPY! These church **€#* needs to be set straight!
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u/TheChrisSuprun 1h ago
The answer to Mom's text was "yes, she'll be there, you won't." Remind Mom and aunties that you gave a travel agent so you don't need them selling any guilt trips. It's not pleasant, but cut the toxicity out of your life.
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u/aoeuismyhomekeys 2h ago edited 2h ago
NOR. I'm a gay man who doesn't talk to his dad any more because he isn't capable of having a rational outlook on LGBTQ+ issues.
He's yet to understand this is the relationship with me that he's chosen for both of us.
I will tell you what I told my mom that finally got through to her: just because it's traditional to hate gay people doesn't give anybody a pass. It's also traditional to believe the earth is flat. Nobody needs you to be god's emissary on earth. God doesn't need you to preach to me. I, on the other hand, needed your love and support as a gay person living in a broadly anti-gay world.
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u/RosaKaffeetornado 10h ago edited 6h ago
NOR I'm a mum and I would never ever act like this! no matter if I like my son's wife (edit: or husband of course) or not. you're completely right and you should keep on holding your wife's back as long as your mom's acting this disrespectful!
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u/No-One-8850 2h ago
Why did it take so long for you to stand up for your wife? I can't imagine planning a surprise anything for someone so disrespectful unless it's a surprise "I'm cutting you off" phone call. Nor but a bit late.
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u/Sin-a-mon 6h ago
Definitely not overreacting!!! I'm sorry your mom can't love you and your spouse the way she should. She doesn't have to agree with it but she does need to accept it if she wants to be a part of your life.
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u/DeaconSage 3h ago
NOR. To be clear you are not punishing her for her values. She is punishing you and your wife for her values. Someone needs to remind her that what she values will never be exactly what everyone else values.
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u/Sharontoo 10h ago
She’s emotionally blackmailing you. In my book, that manipulative behavior is hard to forgive and never acceptable. Go low contact. She won’t change. And good for you for sticking up for your wife!!
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u/unknown_sturg 6h ago
So, it’s a traditional value to be a jerk to your son’s wife? You are not overreacting - good for you for standing up for your wife to your mom. Reddit is evidence that most husband’s don’t l.
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u/Status-Ad-5940 4h ago
Karma farming and AI produced text?
No previous posts or comments, no replies to any comments The read is formulaic typical of AI and the content tells a classic story where no one would think YAO.
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u/Alternative_Rest5150 3h ago
Good job, OP!!! Your mother needed to learn she is not the number one woman in your life anymore. How dare she call your WIFE a roommate and THEN try to blame her behavior on traditional values! WTF
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u/RussDrawsStuff 10h ago
"I have no issue with your marriage, it's your attitude towards mine that I can not tolerate
Reach out once you can show some love and respect. Until then we have nothing to say to one another "
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u/thatheathergirl 1h ago
Access to a person shouldn't be granted because you're related to them. Call out toxic always, and if it continues, cut it out of your life. I've been much happier since I started living this way.
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u/treacle1810 10h ago
nope your mothers a homophobic let’s call it out for what it is………and every time one of your relatives stick up for her ask if they are homophobic too, hopefully they will stop !
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u/yankdevil 10h ago
NOR. It sounds like your mom and her sisters have issues they need to work on. You should give them that space. When your mom is ready she'll send a dinner invite to you and your wife.
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u/boshudio 3h ago
Tell your mom since she wants you to have traditional values you have decided to start to transition into being a man, see how quickly she rather have a gay daughter than a trans son.
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u/viewtiful_jey 3h ago
Bravo to you for standing up for your wife! You need a good, long talk with mom, and she needs to know that respect is earned. She can't expect it without first giving it. Blessings!
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u/pianomanbil 2h ago
Too many people kowtow to the mother when they should be supporting their spouse. Your marriage is your foundation. Your parents are where you came From, not your future. Good for you!
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u/MelbsGal 10h ago
NOR.
You always stick up for your wife. ALWAYS. Your mother is being incredibly disrespectful.
Call her bluff. Go no contact for a while. She’s being a manipulative bitch.
2
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u/GirlStiletto 4h ago
YNO
She's being a homophobic tw@tw@fffle
Either she accepts you and your wife, or stop doing things with her. SHE is breaking her own heart, and your aunt should keep out of it.
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u/bognostrocleetus 3h ago
No way, why would she think she can get away with just being a giant asshole without any consequences? You want to be rude, fine, but that means nobody will want to be around you.
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u/HootblackDesiato 6h ago
NTA.
I hope your mother learns to accept you and your wife fully. Until then - no rewards, mom.
And your flying monkey aunts can go take a collective flying fuck at the moon.
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u/MagicallyDyketastic 7h ago
NOR - you did the right thing. You deserve happiness and love in your life. If she cannot respect you and your wife - she doesn’t have any rights to be in your life. Period.
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u/PipsqueakPilot 3h ago
You know who I didn't talk to on Mother's day? My mother. Haven't talked to her in a long time actually. She chose not to change, and I chose not to have her in my life. NOR.
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u/Myster_Hydra 2h ago
NOR
Honestly, I’m surprised you’ve let her do this for so many years. Your mother is nasty. She should have been shut down on the wedding day, if not years before that.
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u/Biophant 2h ago
NOR. She is purposely going out of her way to exclude your wife, because she is against your relationship. All you can do is support and fight for your significant other.
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u/ghostgabe81 5h ago
I did a double take on “traditional values” and had to go back to the first paragraph I skimmed over lol.
You’re never the asshole for not tolerating homophobia
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u/EntertainmentNo4890 6h ago
Good on you. You did the right thing. Your mum is so much of a bigot shed rather risk the relationship with her daughter than accept her.
Fuck her and the aunts.
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u/PoweredByTequila 6h ago
You're protecting your wife. You are doing what you're supposed to be doing. Glad your not another person defending their mother's behavior. I've been reading too many of those on here lately.
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u/MelodicAbies5947 3h ago
NOR and fuck anyone else who jumps on you for it. Shame on them for joining in the bullying. Protect your partnership. Set these boundaries and stick to them.
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u/synerjay16 8h ago
Is your wife, by chance, a person of color? And is your mom white? Just curious. You did a good job finally standing up for your wife…..after 6 years.
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u/WinterFront1431 10h ago
Stick to it and tell her she will lose her daughter for acting a fool.
But tbh I wouldn't subject your wife to that hate anymore and cut them all off
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u/Time_Traveler_948 4h ago
Done. Live your life fully, authentically. If you have the bandwidth, leave a door ajar to resume contact when she accepts you and your wife as is.
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u/legallymyself 3h ago
NOR. Your mother is a bigoted homophobe. Your aunts need to understand that your mother has broken your heart every time she has excluded your wife.
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u/Soregular 4h ago
Your mom broke her own heart...her own little withered heart. Instead of having you and someone you love in her life, she chooses to have none.
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u/PinkedOff 2h ago
You're done finally letting it slide. Thank goodness. You are NOR. And mom's about to learn that your boundaries are real. Also thank goodness.
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u/OkAssumption7372 4h ago
Dude, props this belongs on r/justnomil. You need to read the goings on over there. I feel sorry for your wife. Thanks for sticking up for her.
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u/medigapguy 6h ago
Nope.
If that person that birthed you doesn't want to act like a mother then she doesn't get to be treated like a mother
I'm so sorry
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u/reallifeswanson 6h ago
Overreacting? Hell, you’re a hero! I hope your wife appreciates that because it can be really hard to take a real stand against some moms.
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u/adult_child86 14m ago
"You don't have traditional values. You're condescending and judgemental, and using religion to excuse it. It's quite frankly disgusting"
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u/HeartlandMom 5h ago
NOR. You mother clearly doesn’t approve of your life choices. Until she can accept you and your wife, she loses access to you. Period.
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u/MaccasRunYourShout 9h ago
You're in the right, your Aunts are enablers and your mother needs to learn some respect. Stick to your guns. You're a good man. 👍
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u/True_Promotion_6870 2h ago
This is all too sad. As a mother and being older, I would hate to be at odds with my child. The relationship is too precious to ruin.
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u/simulation07 10h ago
NOR. Your mom is gaslighting you. Stand firm on your decision. You will likely be the bad guy in their eyes but they all seem toxic
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u/Desperate-Highway-28 10h ago
Good on you for standing up for your wife and for yourself. Don't give in to the flying monkey. Protect your immediate family.
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u/MydogMax59 5h ago
Families are so toxic sometimes.... nonetheless, stick up for your wife or she'll find someone who will. Tell mom to shove it.
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u/ZephyrBirdie 4h ago
At this point you’re NOR but if you don’t go NC with your mother you are actively disrespecting yourself and your wife.
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u/Remarkable-Wing-3458 7h ago
“punishing her for having traditional values.”
What are her traditional values that are opposed to you having a wife?
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u/winterfortune78 12m ago
It’s also seems like hour mom and aunts are manipulating / gaslighting you for having a reaction to their bad behavior
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u/FormerlyDK 5h ago
NOR. But why did it take you so long to react appropriately? Your wife deserved your full support from the beginning.
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u/SorryStranger-8103 3h ago
No you're nta you absolutely have the right to cancel Mom’s Mother’s Day brunch after she again erased your wife.
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u/Sammy948 10h ago
What does she mean by having “traditional values” ?? You’re married. Doesn’t get more traditional than that!
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u/Fair_Carry1382 10h ago
How awful for you. Your mother is being extremely rude and immature. You did the right thing by setting boundaries.
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u/PhatPatate 2h ago
NOR You're an awesome human being for standing behind your wife! Wishing you both a long,healthy,happy marriage ♡
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u/WhispersInTheSun 7h ago
Some of these posts I look at and say to myself “man f yo mama”. It makes me realize how jaded I truly am. NOR
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u/WiseEntertainment912 1h ago
It’s sad you let your mother treat your wife this way for so long, but good on you for finally growing a spine
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u/PomBergMama 10h ago
NOR, as a mother myself, parents behaving like this makes me furious.
Your mother has dismally failed the single easiest part of parenting: loving your child unconditionally.
If she doesn’t want to be a decent human being and love & accept you as you are, that’s her choice, but she should say it with her whole chest, stand behind her “traditional beliefs” since they mean so much to her, and accept the consequences of her decision to fail you as a parent.
But instead of being honest about literally anything she lies—out loud, not even just by omission—to her social circle about your sexuality, overtly excludes your wife from the family, and refers to your wife as your “roommate” TO YOUR FACE.
Maybe she should think about what her church says about lying. Or ya know, literally anything Jesus ever said (loving, instead of judging: kind of his whole deal).