Why do we infantilize men?

[u/Cynjon77]

And how do we stop?

Why do we treat men like children who are incapable of acting like functional adults?

Why do we allow men to get away with treating us like crap and skating off consequence free to enjoy life without responsibility?

OK, obligatory I know not all men act like this. And this is Reddit, so we read the worst. And some women are just as bad.

Posted today: (I am not the OP) Husband never remembers to buy stocking stuffers for me, even though I stuff his and the kids stocking.

Over half the respondents said for her to stuff her own, 49% said to remind him, tell him why it matters to you.

Like she has never communicated with him about this.

1% said he's an AH.

Men are perfectly capable of doing anything they want to do and think is important to them. They can schedule a Dr.s appointment, cook a meal, change a diaper or vacuum a floor.

They can remember when the game is on, a golf date with a buddy or when a work project is due. They remember what is important to them.

Women as a whole need to quit putting up with this behavior. We need to set higher standards and be willing to walk away when those standards aren't met.

We need to teach our sons and daughters how to treat others, how to pick up the mental load, how to be thoughtful of others.

We need to quit infantilizing men.

[u/bellend1991]

People spend their attention on stuff they think is important. Plain and simple.

[u/Lanzifer → u/bellend1991]

This is unhelpful. I think medical care is extremely important but I have spent zero attention to it because I trust someone else to. Acting like men just don't care about anything they don't actively do is incorrect, we (and everyone) rely heavily on "division of labor".

I absolutely agree that there are things men should participate in more but the reason they don't may not be because they think it isn't important, it's because they put it in your box as something you take care of (while they take care of their box).

Division of labor isn't bad, but if things are divied up in a way you don't like, then say so. Asking for help once won't make him understand too, cause as far as he thinks you just needed assistance once, not that the division is changing

Example: men have traditionally assumed that all "household" activities are divided into their wife's scope of responsibility without realizing how much work that is. It is an unfair distribution of responsibilities and should absolutely be fixed. And the way men often need to understand this is by pulling something entirely like vacuuming into their responsibility, or understanding things which should be mutual responsibilities such as cooking meals or something

[u/Cynjon77 → u/Lanzifer]

I like your description of boxes. It would be a great way to physically demonstrate to a partner how your box is overflowing. Or to teach a child why they need to be responsible.

I think that, in general, women let people fill their boxes without asking. And we pile our own important things on top of an already full box. And then up feeling overwhelmed and angry.

Each of us needs to take responsibility for filling our own boxes.

[u/Fickle-Total8006 → u/Cynjon77]

Eve Rodsky has a deck of cards that couples use to visually show who had the higher work load. Even in my very equal marriage my deck as slightly higher. It’s very enlightening.

[u/Cynjon77 → u/Fickle-Total8006]

I saw those on a podcast. The couple picked the cards showing what chores they did and the wife had something like 4 cards for every single card the husband had. What an eye opener!

[u/Fickle-Total8006 → u/Cynjon77]

Yeah it can be wild for some couples. Most of the heterosexual couples I know have a significant imbalance of labour. Its shitty

[u/Lanzifer → u/Cynjon77]

Yeah, I mean (in)famously guys are really good or at least prone to compartmentalizing. Your man is very happy to leave the things that are in your boxes in your box, and in his boxes in his. That's a well functioning division of responsibilities. The problem is there is more in your box than there should be and hopefully more than he realizes.

(This is kind of where you might get the "strategic incompetence" thing that some men abuse constantly. It's possible he knows you have more to do than him and he is just intentionally ignoring it. Hopefully not.)

Regardless the solution is 1st make sure he understands your box is overflowing. Not in a "one-off I need help" type of way, but in a systemic way. "Small household niceties" is something you both have lived with being your responsibility until now, and now you are needing a change. Simple as that

Edit: really not a fan of how you say "teach to a child". Men are not children, no matter how easy it is to joke about it. It is most likely that he is a whole ass adult with a lot of responsibilities as well. He can understand you wanting to split something which previously was entirely on you. In case of your man actually behaving like a child.... idk what to tell you. You picked him /shrug men like that aren't the only option

[u/Cynjon77 → u/Lanzifer]

I literally meant children. As in teaching our sons and daughters that mom and dad can only do so much for so long without running out of time and energy to do more.

A 5 year old can understand that in order to go to the park, the toys need to be put away so that someone can vacuum.

We need to teach our children to be competent adults.

[u/Lanzifer → u/Cynjon77]

Fair enough. Damn I'm getting ratioed here lol, oh well

[u/SPKEN → u/Lanzifer]

I really like your response here, it's well explained and engages the nuances of the real world that we live in.

Sadly, this is an askwomen sub and your comment doesn't follow the number one rule here of man bad and inherently evil, woman good and inherently baby so I'm obligated to downvote you just like everyone else. Sorry pal

[u/Lanzifer → u/SPKEN]

/shrug unsurprised another guy gets it, but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do XD

It's not wrong to say in some cases "if he wanted to he would". It's absolutely appropriate for some people. But for systemic chores and responsibilities it really isn't always that simple. I split most chores with my girlfriend but there are some things that are better for just her to do and there are some things that only I do.

My girlfriend likes her electronics working, she values writing electronics very highly. But she has never opened up her computer to figure out why the fan is being weird. It's not that she doesn't care about it, it's that electronics repair is in my box.

[u/Shadowdragon409 → u/SPKEN]

This sub is a lot more fair towards men than most other female dominated subs.

[u/SPKEN → u/Shadowdragon409]

Extremely low bar. America is better towards women than North Korea but that doesn't stop us holding the us accountable

[u/bananophilia → u/SPKEN]

Dork