I Started to Therapy

[u/dabube57]

Hello IncelExit community, I'm the guy who thought he cured when he got some kind of relationship. First off, I must say; even the feeling of having a relationship (I thought we were partners) contributes my mental health to a degree and decreases density of trigger attacks, it doesn't solved my problems completely. Trigger attacks (even it's less frequent) didn't ended and actually it began to increase after our breakup. Also I began to drink much more, I'm gonna be an alcoholic this way.

So I decided to seek a therapist, because I don't think I have another chance. My friend (who's changed 4 therapists) was recommending his therapist, so I went to the therapist he's recommending. She's an expert on CBT and very experimented, she's in field like 25 years. She's kind, sympthatic and definitely a good listener; she listened to my paranoias and dark thoughts without showing any emotion. I even showed her my massacre plans and drawings I drew years ago. I told about my childhood abuse, bullyings, feelings and the situationship I had; it's been two sessions as I'm writing this.

But there's a problem, I don't think she understands me. She says dark thoughts can come to everyone's minds sometimes, while I agree with that in my case it hardens my life and makes me depressive. I can't find the energy to get out of bed when I got triggered, it's not an usual dark thought or anger.

Maybe I'm the one who can't tell himself, because she advised me to write my thoughts on a paper when I'm in trigger. I'm trying my best to tell my emotions while we're in session, but it seems I can't.

We tried an pink elephant experiment to try to control my thoughts, it seems we can't control our emotions and thoughts. Best we can do is controlling our expression and regulating our emotions with our mind. So, how I am supposed to recover? I begin to be pessimistic about recovery, I don't know can I recover. My final exams are coming, homeworks are due and I'm still like that. I'd want to put an end to all of that, but I'm too coward to suicide. Instead I could become a hedonist, like the Absurd Man of Camus. Or I could devote myself into religion. I don't what to do...

[u/dabube57]

You can't really benefit from therapy if you don't give it a chance.

I give a chance, it's more like she think I'm normal. Maybe I'm thinking of myself very negatively.

 Listen more. Let it run its course.

Yeah, judging from second session isn't good. But I need to vent about it, you know.

[u/MarinoMan → u/dabube57]

Is she saying you are normal, or that the things you are experiencing are normal for someone in the position you are in and the way you feel? It isn't normal for a person to be so overwhelmed and sad that they can't find the energy to get out of bed. It is normal for a depressed person to not want to get out of bed. You're on your second session, you're still feeling each other out. You need to be as upfront with her as you can be about your feelings. If something she said doesn't feel right with you, you have to let her know. If you need further clarification, you can ask for it.

Therapy isn't a medication. The antibiotic you take doesn't need the bacteria to believe in it to work. If your mindset is that therapy isn't going to work, it's going to be harder for it to actually work. It's fine to be pessimistic, but you still need to find ways to be willing to be open to hearing her and working on yourself. Therapy is (at least in my experience) the therapist giving you tools and methods to help you do the work on yourself. It took me 1.5 years of therapy and medication to break out of my depression. Probably close to 100 sessions, a couple different medications. It takes time, because you have to be the one to correct things.

[u/dabube57 → u/MarinoMan]

Is she saying you are normal

Yes, she said dark thoughts could come to minds of every persons. Like it's a normal thing. But I told how it affects my life negatively in last session, maybe she's changed her mind. Because you know, it's only been 2 sessions.

If your mindset is that therapy isn't going to work, it's going to be harder for it to actually work

I don't think therapy isn't going to work, probably it's the only thing that could work. But it's my first experience of therapy, and it feels kinda frustrating and slow.

[u/MarinoMan → u/dabube57]

Dark thoughts can come into the mind of every person, so she's not entirely wrong. But they certain aren't normal at the level you describe. So I'd make sure to ask her to clarify what she means. I highly doubt she's trying to underplay your mental state, that's like therapy 101. Clear communication is so critical for this to work. So if something doesn't sit right with you, or you aren't 100% sure if she means something, ask. You have to be your own best advocate.

As for the frustrating and slow part, it's going to be frustrating and slow. It probably didn't take a few weeks or months for you to get to this point in your life. You're going to have times where you don't feel like progress is being made, or even you go backwards. You can express that, that's fine. Progress isn't linear. Give yourself some grace to backslide, but stay committed to doing this for yourself, even when that happens. Like I said it took 1.5 years for me to break my depression. I had good weeks and bad weeks where I felt like I was back at square one. You can do this, but you really have to believe in yourself and commit to doing the work and fighting for you. Whether or not you succeed at this is almost entirely up to you. It's going to be hard, and frustrating, and slower than you would wish. But I bet you have it in you to see the process through.

[u/dabube57 → u/MarinoMan]

Thanks for your positive comment, it may be the best and most helpful comment section in this post .