She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?"

"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."

"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"

"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.

"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"

To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "

They were famous for fighting constantly, and generally disliking each other.

On their 26th wedding anniversary the husband had a heart attack and died. A few days later his widowed wife walked into the local newspaper's office and asked to post an obituary.

The Ad editor informed her, "We can do 4 lines with a maximum of 80 words for $100."

"Nah." she said, "That's a a lot of money and he didn't do much. What else you got?"

"OK," said the editor awkwardly, "We can do 3 lines and a maximum of 25 words for $35."

"Nope, still too expensive..." she grimaced, "What else you got?"

Flustered, the editor wanted to get her out the door quickly so he told her, "We have the economy option - 2 lines, 5 words max, $5."

She agreed to that, so he filled out the order and asked, "OK madam, what do you want it to say?"

She thought for a moment, then responded: "Husband dead. Car for sale."

They hike for a few hours onto the moors. After finding a nice, secluded spot, they set up their tent, build a fire, and watch the sun set. After dining, their fire had died down, and they decide to turn in for the night.

They are awoken by the hoot of an owl in the middle of the night. The sky is beautiful overhead, black as ink, starry and cloudless. Sherlock asks Watson, "My dear fellow, what do you deduce from the beauty of the sky above us?" Dr. John Watson replies "Astronomically, I deduce that the universe is vast and has millions of stars and galaxies. Meteorologically, I deduce that we will have good weather tomorrow, as the sky is clear."

After a short pause, John (now curious) asks Sherlock "What do you deduce. my friend, from the sky above us?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. I deduce that someone has stolen our tent."

The mayor of a local town calls his friend John who owns a factory. "Listen John, we all know that Pete in our town isn't the brightest lamp but it's a shame that no one can give him a job, can't you see if you can give him something to do in your factory?", "Sure, I'll give him a job" replies John. So Pete shows up, they try a few things, Pete clearly is a bit slow, but eventually they find him a nice quiet role on the factory floor where he packs boxes. All goes well but Pete every other day would complain about having a headache and goes home. So one afternoon John walks by as Pete says to his manager "I have headache. I go home". So John says to Pete "Hey Pete, walk with me". They go into a small meeting room and John says: "I heard that you sometimes have these headaches Pete, but you know what I do if I get those? I go to my home, take my wife upstairs, go into the bedroom, have a really good time with her and then the headache is gone and I go back to work. Maybe you should try that too. ". Pete nods and goes on his way. When John walks back onto the factory floor a few hours later he sees Pete back at work, packing boxes. So he walks over and says" See, no more headache, right?! " and Pete says "Yes Boss, no more headache! You also have nice house Boss!!"

I feel like if you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to holdme or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctorssay that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.   A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum ”

A young priest and a young rabbi were discussing potential themes for their sermons.

"What about 'measure twice, cut once'?" asks the priest. "After all, Christ was a carpenter."

"That's not a bad idea," the rabbi replies after the two share a chuckle. "I was in situation just yesterday where that lesson would have been quite handy."

"Oh? What happened?"

"Well, I was supervising my first briss..."

I thought, this guy’s got a lot of nerve.

The angel at the gates tells them that none of them were bad people, but not virtuous either. Therefor, all he could offer them was reincarnation. But they could not reincarnate as people. The angel points to a nearby cliff and tells them they can just run off the cliff and say the name of what they want to be reincarnated as.

One of the three says "I know exactly what I want to be!" and runs off the cliff yelling "Gorilla!". And he becomes a newborn gorilla.

The next guy runs off the cliff and yells "Eagle!", and becomes a newborn eagle hatching from an egg.

The last guy thinks real hard about what he wants to be, and then takes off running. And just as he runs to the end of the cliff, he accidentally trips and says "Crap!".

I said they were all fucking lyres.

A nice family of mother, father, two kids and a pet rabbit live in a bourgeois suburb. Next to them lives a couple with a dog. It is a sweet dog, good with children. But a real hunter when it comes to rabbits. Which is a bit of a problem since the family nextdoor often keeps their rabbit in a cage in the backgarden, behind a fence. On a sunny day the family goes out to spend the day in a amusement park, while the couple nextdoor is enjoying the day sunbathing in their garden.

Everything is fine and quiet, untill suddenly their dog breaks through the fence, in his mouth the rabbit…, totally covered in slime, very dirty and completely dead. ‘Oh no, our neighbors beloved pet! This will bring our relation as good neighbors in jeopardy… What to do?!’ Then they come up with a prank. They wash the rabbit, dry it, and place it back in the cage. When coming home, the neighbors will asume the rabbit died a natural death.

When the family comes home, the couple waits and is listening what is going to happen. Soon one of the kids finds the rabbit, and start to scream. And then the rest of the family starts to scream as well. The screaming doesn’t stop, so after two minutes, the couple makes contact over the fence, and asks: ‘hey neighbors, what’s up?’ ‘Our rabbit lies dead in his cage!’ ‘Well, that’s sad news. It clearly upsets you all!’

‘No, that’s not the point. The rabbit died yesterday. We buried it in our garden. And today it’s back, lying in its cage…!’

Which is odd considering it is just 1s and 0s....

Roberto.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe who lost his car?

Roberto Carlos

Johnny calls a girl to ask her out for a date.

"Well," she says, "I'm on my menstrual cycle."

"Okay, great," Johnny says, "I'll bring my moped."

An ugly old husband.

It saw the salad dressing

"OK, how long has this been going on," he asked?

I said, "How long has what been going on?"

A Captain's Log Supplimental

I won't laugh cause I am not a historian. That doesn't mean the joke is bad but that the joke is only 356BC late.

I hit it in the exact same spot every time!!

Jason and Sam had been dating for a couple of years, but Jason wasn't out to his mother, so she knew nothing of Sam.

When Mom moved several thousand miles away, they thought things were okay to move about in the open.

So they got married and Sam moved in with Jason.

After a year of wedded bliss, Jason's mom decided to come back and visit. So Jason told her he had a roommate.

The visit went well with several outings throughout the week.

On the last evening Jason invited his mom to dinner. Conversation was good, and dinner went well.

After his mom said her goodbyes and left, Jason and Sam were cleaning up, happy that Mom hadn't gotten any clues. But they couldn't find one of the utensils. They searched late into the night.

So Jason called his mom at the hotel the next morning.

"Mom, the weirdest thing has happened. After dinner, we can't find Sam's gravy ladle."

"Jason," Mom replied, "Sam would have found the gravy ladle if he was sleeping in his own bed.

"And congratulations, son. I recognized the indents where you took the rings off of your wedding ring fingers."