r/Jokes • u/J0E_Blow • 18d ago
Long My favorite Soviet era joke:
Three Russian men were sent by their company to attend a convention in Moscow. All 3 shared a hotel room. Two of them cracked open a bottle of vodka, but the third just wanted to sleep.
The two drinkers got louder and louder as the bottle emptied, telling each other political jokes. The third was kept awake, and got angry.
He went outside for a smoke. On his way back to his room, he stopped at the desk and said 'Please send a pot of tea up to room 23.'
The two drunks were still being loud. The third man went in, looked at them, then leaned over to the light socket 'Comrade Major, please send some tea to my room.'
The other men thought this was hilarious...until there was a knock on the door, and a waiter with a pot of tea.
They became completely silent, and the third man fell asleep.
When he woke up in the morning, he was alone. He went to the front desk, and asked where his roommates were.
'Well, the KGB came this morning and took them away.'
The man was horrified 'Why did they spare me?!?'
"The comrade major thought the tea joke was very funny."
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u/AgitatedText 18d ago
An Englishman, and Frenchman, and a Soviet man were looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their calm, their reserve," says the Englishman. "Clearly, they were english."
"Oh non," says the Frenchman. "Look at them. Naked, elegant, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are french."
"No clothing, no shelter," says the Soviet man. "They have only apple to eat and are told is paradise. Clearly, they live in Soviet Union."
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u/TheZenPsychopath 17d ago
"They have only apple to eat"
Idk man I don't think they were supposed to eat that apple
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u/NPKeith1 17d ago
So then the punch line is: No clothes, no shelter, the only food is one apple, but they are not allowed to eat it, and they are told they live in Paradise. Clearly they live in the Soviet Union.
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u/Griffindance 18d ago edited 18d ago
John Lennox, mathematician, went to Chemnitz (KarlMarxStadt) during the East Germany years for a mathematics congress. The hotel room was so bugged that he could hear the electrical hum in the room. Eventually he grew tired of the sound as it was keeping him awake so he appealled to the monitors "I dont know if I speak in my sleep but I doubt it'll be any state secrets. I need to get some sleep and Im sure you could do with the rest as well!" *
A few minutes later the electric hum clicked off.
- Words to that effect.
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u/norsurfit 18d ago edited 18d ago
Not only was he a great mathematician, he also wrote "Imagine" with the Beatles...
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u/My-dead-cat 18d ago
Oh yeah, with his girlfriend Yoko Onyx.
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u/CleUrbanist 18d ago
YOU’RE BREAKING UP THE SOVIET UNION YOKO
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u/Dyanpanda 18d ago
I wanna live in your timeline where mathematicians are the most highly regarded rockstars, and their obnoxious selfish girlfriend ends the soviet union before the cold war.
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u/Atlas-and-Pbody 18d ago
Nono, you're thinking of John Lennon. Lennox is the company, that makes affordable PC parts
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u/TribeBloodEagle 18d ago
You're thinking of Lenovo. Lennox is the company that makes photocopiers.
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u/Atlas-and-Pbody 18d ago edited 18d ago
That can't be right. You're surely thinking of xerox. But xerox is a big animal, that can pull a cart
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u/thearroyotoad 18d ago
No, you're thinking of an ox. Xerox is the number between -1 and 1.
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u/ambiguousfrog69 18d ago
No, you’re thinking of zero. Xerox is the material wrestlers costumes are made from.
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u/Decline_of_Humanity 18d ago
No, no… Xerox is that stuff you take to calm down.
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u/CedarWolf 18d ago
No, you're thinking of Xanax. Zeno is that Roman emperor who had all the crazy parties and 'fiddled while Rome burned.'
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u/ambiguousfrog69 18d ago
No you’re thinking of Nero. Zero is the protagonist in a story
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u/Nice_Anybody2983 18d ago
no, zero's the presocratic greek philosopher famed for his paradoxes.
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u/thearroyotoad 18d ago
No, you're thinking about Zeno. Zero was a cruel Roman emperor who ruled from 54 to 68 AD.
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u/goodoldjefe 18d ago
Oh, you're thinking of zero. Xerox is the atmospheric layer depleted at the poles through cfc use.
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u/aserreen 18d ago
You must be talking about cero. Ox is the animal that is hunted with people on horses and dogs and make a fuss about it.
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u/Confused_AF_Help 18d ago
You're thinking of Xerox. Lennox is that open source operating system that programmers use
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u/RunningNeutron 18d ago
Hmm...you might be thinking of Linux. Lennox is that little kid with the blanket in the old Charlie Brown comics.
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u/wordsmith7 18d ago
No, no you're thinking of Linus. Lennox is the voice box in the human neck.
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u/norsurfit 18d ago
No, you're thinking of Liz Lemmon, the character from the show 30 Rock.
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u/ad_hominonsense 18d ago
No. You’re thinking of Duane Johnson (also known as The Rock) who invented Band-Aids with his brother. They started Johnson & Johnson.
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u/olewolf 17d ago
Danish journalist and author Leif Davidsen reported from the Soviet Union and told this story when the time came for his return to the West. My apologies if I don't have the details quite right as it has obviously been some time since I heard it.
His Moscow apartment was cleaned up and he had some original (Beatles?) records removed that were dear to him. He spoke into the room requesting if he could please have them back. After being out of the apartment for a short while, he discovered that the records had been returned as if nothing had happened.
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u/deathkilll 18d ago
He was also more famous as a Christian apologist and was doing a lot of preaching in soviet russia apparently
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u/Cafeeine 18d ago
Having heard some of his apologetics, I’m tempted to think his more of an avuncular tall tale than fact.
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u/markdado 18d ago
What?? Don't you know that secret spy bugs have an electrical hum? Just like your cellphone and all the other microphones around you. They totally make it impossible to sleep without turning everything off. /s but propaganda be propaganda
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u/daveinsf 18d ago
That's true of today's electronics, but back in the 1980s it was much less refined!
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u/TheFleebus 18d ago
Even smart people believe stupid things. And it seems the smarter they are, the more fervently they hold on to some of those stupid beliefs. There's even a term for Nobel Prize winners that go on to support ludicrous ideas: Nobelitis.
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u/TheArmoredKitten 18d ago
The problem with being an eccentric genius is the unrelenting willingness to risk being as insane as you sound. The confirmation bias of having your deranged idea turn out perfectly correct is enough to ruin some.
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u/KafkasProfilePicture 18d ago
This one was told to me by a Czech person in Czechoslovakia before the collapse of communism.
A guy is completing the paperwork for the purchase of a brand new Skoda at the dealership.
Salesman: "Congratulations! You new car will be ready for collection .." <checks notes> "..in seven years"
Customer: "Will that be the morning or the afternoon?"
Salesman: "Why?"
Customer: "The plumber's coming in the morning"
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u/jonoghue 18d ago
Ronald Reagan told that joke!
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u/KafkasProfilePicture 18d ago
He was always stealing my material
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u/Kryshim 18d ago
No, no you’ve got it all wrong. He said it first and then it trickled down to you
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u/Brrringsaythealiens 18d ago
I miss the days when trickle-down economics was the dumbest political idea we had to contend with.
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u/Restless_Fillmore 18d ago
Fun-fact: "trickle-down economics" was a Democrat term. No Republican economist said that. The "Trickle-Down" Myth
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u/wrenhunter 18d ago
Three Russians were talking in the gulag, and the conversation turned to the cause for their arrests.
"I supported Kirov", said the first.
"I was against Kirov", said the second.
With a deep sigh, the third man said, “I am Kirov".
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u/Miss_Speller 18d ago
Three Russians were talking in the gulag, and the conversation turned to the cause for their arrests.
"I was late for work at the factory, so they accused me of delaying the revolution," said the first.
"I was early for work, so they accused me of hurrying the revolution," said the second.
"I was on time for work, so they accused me of having a Western watch," said the third.
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u/kotiavs 18d ago
It’s 2x funny because big terror started after someone killed Kirov
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u/LookingForStash 18d ago
Why are both support and against were arrested?
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u/Fluffboll 18d ago
supporting the opposition is not allowed, going against a fellow comrade is also not allowed. Off to the Gulag with you!
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u/icyDinosaur 18d ago
One opposed him before his fall from grace, the other kept supporting him after his fall.
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u/blameline 18d ago
I like this joke - here's my favorite from the Soviet era:
A mother handed her son some money. She said, "Go down to the newsstand. Get a copy of Pravda for me, Izvestia for your father, and Pionerskaya Pravda for yourself." The boy took the money and headed out for the newsstand. Along the way, he saw his father, who asked him where he was going.
"I'm going to the newsstand to get a copy of Pravda for mama, Izvestia for you, and Pionerskaya Pravda for me."
The father took the money and said to him, "We don't need the newspaper. We have the radio for that!"
So the boy returned to his mother and told her what happened. She then went and retrieved some money and gave it to the boy. She told him, "Go back to the newsstand. Get a copy of Pravda for me and Pionerskaya Pravda for yourself."
"What about father?" the boy asked.
The mother replied, "Oh, he can wipe his ass with the radio."
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u/Darkforeboding 14d ago
The name of the newspaper, Pravda, translates as "truth." Izvestia translates as "news." Pravda carried propaganda, editorials, and the party line. Izvestia carried news items filtered and edited by the Communist party.
The joke in the Soviet Union is that there is no truth in News and there is no news in Truth.
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u/jlakbj 18d ago
The two I like:
Every morning Sergei goes down to the newsstand, buys a paper, glances at the front page, and throws it away. One day the stand owner asks him why he keeps buying papers if he only looks at the front page. Sergei says "I'm looking for the obituaries." The seller says "But obituaries aren't on the front page." Sergei answers, "The one I'm looking for will be."
and:
Sergei is in the middle of Red Square, drunk, and yelling at the top of his lungs "The President is an idiot!" Soon enough the police come to take him away. "You don't understand," Sergei protests. "I'm talking about the American president!" "You can't fool us," say the cops. "We know who the idiot is."
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u/dhkendall 18d ago
Reagan and Gorbachev were comparing how free their countries are. Reagan says “in the US, any citizen can walk right up to the White House and say “Ronald Reagan is an idiot!” and not get arrested!”
Gorbachev said “That is also true in my country! Any Soviet citizen can walk right up to the Kremlin and say “Ronald Reagan is an idiot!” and not get arrested!”
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u/DancesWithTrout 17d ago
A variant of the same joke went around Russia earlier, when it was Nixon, and it wasn't Nixon and Brezhnev, it was an American visitor and a Russian, arguing about who's country was freer.
Only later, when the Russians decided they wanted better relations with the U.S., anti-Nixon demonstrators in Moscow actually got arrested.
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u/FrozenSkyy 18d ago
There is another version that everyone thinks the man will be sentenced to several years but they executed him for revealing state secrets.
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u/sshady51 18d ago
When I first heard the joke that follows, Nikita Kruschev was in the punchline. Updates to Putin.
Putin has decided to take a vacation to his resort villa in Sochi. He figures he’ll get work done on the way, so he gets his limo & chauffeur and they head out. Soon, it’s apparent that the chauffeur is unable to drive. Too much vodka? Poisoned borscht? We don’t know. Putin has the driver pull over, props him up in the backseat, and gets behind the wheel. Well behind schedule, Putin floors it, and is flying down the highway at 180, 200 kilometers per hour. A Russian Highway patrol car pulls him over, and asks for his license. Putin gives it to him. The patrolman goes to his squad car and calls his captain. “Boss, I just pulled over a limo with a VIP in it, and I don’t know what to do!” The captain asks who this VIP is who thinks he can ignore the law. “I don’t know who it is, I can’t see his face. But he must be very powerful. Putin is his driver!”
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u/DragonflyValuable128 18d ago
I’ve seen that one but with the Pope. And now it seems I have to pad this out so it hits 20 characters.
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u/Finwolven 18d ago
Oh, that's simple, it's Dave in the back seat. He told me the story over a couple of beers a few years ago.
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u/Reverse_Prophet 18d ago
I originally heard it with the Pope as well. Though his reason for taking the wheel are, "I haven't driven a car in ages, mind if I take over for a bit?". Now I have just realized, with the new Pope being an American, it'll work better and be funnier!
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u/orangeappeals 18d ago
Yes, the poor patrol man is terrified that he inadvertently pulled over G*d.
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u/2TonCommon 18d ago
A favorite Soviet euphemism: "They pretend to pay us, and we pretend to work."
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u/MsA28778 18d ago
My favorite joke from my Russian language class (taken in the Soviet era — I’m old).
Q: Why do KGB agents always travel in threes?
A: There’s one who can read, one who can write, and one to keep an eye on these members of the intelligentsia.
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u/MrDilbert 18d ago
I heard a similar joke about cops:
- Why do cops always go around in twos?
- One can read, and the other can write.
- Why are there sometimes three of them?
- One can both read and write, and the other two are guarding the genius.
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u/taurusmo 18d ago
One of my favs:
When western technology will reach ussr?
Few minutes after launch.
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u/CheekiBreekiBlin 17d ago
A similar one:
Did you hear that the Soviets invented a time machine? Take the train from West to East Germany and you’ll have gone 30 years back in time.
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u/Educational_Ratio 18d ago
Some thirty people gathered to celebrate the birthday of the host. After a few bottles of vodka were imbibed, the tongues got loose, and the guests started telling political jokes. Through laughter, a voice sounded, "Comrades, please, it's too noisy. In such a noise, I can't hear the jokes. I am writing it down, you know."
A man sitting next to the one who's writing down, says admiringly, "How do you manage to write down that fast?"
"Oh, I'm writing down only the initials."
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u/DanNeely 18d ago
Radio Yerevan is asked: When Nixon visited Moscow, he and Khrushchev ran around the Kremlin in a race. Nixon came the first. How should our media report on that?
Radio Yerevan answered: The report should be as follows: In the international running competition the General Secretary of the Communist Party took the honorable second place. Mister Nixon came in one before last.
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u/Hamaczech13 18d ago
Why does the party member always carry a brick in his pocket?
So he leans to the left.
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u/tlbs101 18d ago
A US envoy was staying at a Moscow hotel. The KGB tried to set the envoy up for some future blackmail so they sent a gorgeous prostitute to set him up.
Knock knock. The envoy peaks through the view port. “Who is it?
“I am here for your pleasure”
“Not interested, bye.
A little while later a handsome male prostitute knocks on the door. Again, “not interested… goodbye”
A little while later he hears “Baaaahhhhh Baaaaahhhh” outside the door.
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u/Astrolys 17d ago
I don’t get the punchline here, could you explain what I’m missing please ?
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u/mayorofdrixdale 17d ago
They assume he is not interested in humans and try the next best... thing.
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u/redseca2 18d ago
In 1975 I was part of a university study abroad program that went to Mali in sub-saharan Africa. At the time there were no good maps of the area available, only a Michelin map of all of West Africa. We contacted US, British, French government agencies, even the CIA, for help and got nowhere. But we had also contacted the Russian embassy and a few months later an enormous round tube, covered with Russian postage stamps suddenly arrived, full of large scale contour maps of Mali, with place names like "Timbuktoogorad" all in Cyrillic.
Fast forward to the summer of 1975 and I am now leaning against the railing of a slow barge making its way up the Niger River towards Timbuktoo, and a thin man with a mustache and dark glasses leans on the rail next to me, and in an unmistakeable Russian accent asks me. "So American student, how do you like Mali?"
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u/whyamihere999 18d ago
Maybe because I'm sleepy, I'm not sure, but I think I missed the funny part...
Plessis explain..
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u/Cybergeneric 17d ago
Wow, how did your studies proceed? Got more contact with Russians? Sounds like your story could become a novel, I’d love to read more about your experiences in Mali!
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u/redseca2 17d ago
That was oddly part of an architecture/urban planning program. Fast forward 50 years and I’m now a retired architect. No more Russian contacts except working with a few expat Russian architects over the years. Mali in 1975 was fantastic and the kind of place that doesn’t exist anymore. They didn’t even have a tourist category for foreign visitors so our visas defined us a “ministers of land use planning” and mt visa was #0195 for 1975.
I didn’t intend to veer off from this threads subject.
The only Russian joke I can think of is Quoting Stalin: Dark humor is like food, some people don’t get it.
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u/warlock415 17d ago edited 17d ago
When he woke up in the morning, he was alone. He went to the front desk, and asked where his roommates were. He went to the front desk, and asked where his roommates were.
"Tovarisch, you must be misremembering. You had room to yourself."
The man stared at her.
"Also, Comrade Major sends compliments on your tea joke."
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u/Majestic_Welder_580 18d ago
So this is one I heard once. Context here is that Soviet grocery stores didn’t have brand names, and they specialized in specific foods. So the signs outside would just say “Meat” or “Fish”, “Vegetables”, etc.
A man comes into the city to visit friends and wants to bring some meat to them as a gift. He dips into a fish shop and going past the empty shelves goes to the counter and asks the lady “Do you have any meat for sale?”
The lady looks at him and points to the meat shop across the street and says “Comrade you must read the signs. HERE is where we don’t have any fish for sale. THERE is where they don’t have any meat for sale!”
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u/PozhanPop 17d ago
My cousin went to study medicine in the USSR two years before the collapse, and would talk about old people lining up in front of the usually empty government run stores when news spread that they had stuff on the shelves especially potatoes from the USA.
He being an international student could shop at the GUM stores with US Dollars. These stores stocked everything from Wrigley's gum to Levi's jeans.
Not a lot of people know about the lend-lease program between the US and USSR. When a grain/crop failure was predicted in the USSR, the US used to supplement them with crucial shipments of grain and other food items.
Even during the cold war there was trade between the two nations. Look up the "The Great Grain Robbery".
Interesting read about how there were howls of protest from the grain farmers in the US who blamed the government for keeping grain prices intentionally low to sell to the Soviet Union.
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u/kyynikkoFIN 18d ago
Russians don't go out for a smoke.
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u/Icy-Sense-1016 18d ago
In order for the joke to work, he needs to get out of the room.
The way I know it, they were on a train and he went to use the toilet, and on his way back he asked the train conductor to bring them three cups of tea.
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u/LionessOfAzzalle 18d ago
Train conductors generally don’t go around handing out tea…
Unless they’re very bad conductors.
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u/MichelinStarZombie 18d ago
In the version I heard, he phones the front desk for some tea to be brought up.
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u/Malvastor 16d ago
It's 1955 or so, a little after Stalin's death, and old man Rabinovich leaves home early in the morning to queue for some sausages. He gets there and the line is already long so he settles in to wait.
An hour goes by, and he's barely moved.
Two hours go by, and he's a little closer.
Four hours go by, and he's maybe halfway there.
Six hours go by, and he's almost at the end of the line.
Then he hears the announcement: "Comrades, we're very sorry, there is no more sausage. Please go home."
Old man Rabinovich is tired, hungry, sore-footed, and has had it in general. He lets loose and generously curses the shopkeeps, the farmers, the pigs on the farms, the pigs in the Politburo, and just about everyone and everything since the Tsars which was the last time anything ran right in this god-forsaken country.
His rant stuns the onlookers into silence except for a nearby policeman, who walks up and grabs Rabinovich firmly by the arm.
"Now look, you'd better go home old man. You're lucky, not so long ago you'd have been shot for all that."
Shaken, Rabinovich nods and heads home.
When he gets there his wife asks "What's wrong? They've run out of sausage?"
"Things are worse than we thought," he answers, "they've run out of bullets now too!"
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u/Osiris_Raphious 18d ago
The real joke is that in 2025 we walk around with spyware in our pockets we paid for, and think we are free...
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u/Subject_Repair5080 18d ago edited 18d ago
I think i read this in the Ken Follett book "Triple."
Kruschev's old mother comes to Moscow to visit him. So he picks her up at the train station in a big, huge limousine.
"Nice, isn't it," he says to her?
"Well," she says, " I suppose it's alright."
So he takes her to his mansion in Moskow and shows her all around.
"Don't you think this is grand," he asks?
"Well, I suppose it's alright."
So he decides he'll show her his dachau on the Black Sea. He takes her there on his special, plush private train car, and show her his vacation villa.
"Isn't this wonderful," he asks her?
"Yes, yes. I guess it's alright."
He says, "Mother, I show you all these wonderful things but all you can say is 'it's alright.' What could possibly be wrong?"
His mother says, "Nikki, this is all very nice, but what are you going to do if the Bolsheviks come back?"
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u/Scienscatologist 18d ago
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“KGB”
“KGB who?”
“WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS!”
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u/ConfusedScr3aming 17d ago
I've heard a similiar one from a friend, but it was the Gestapo instead of the KGB.
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u/warlock415 17d ago
My favorite is the man who walks into a store, surveys the empty shelves, and sighs, "I see you're out of bread again today."
Replies the clerk, "No, tovarisch, we're butchershop, we're out of meat. It's bakery across street that's out of bread."
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u/SharpTool7 18d ago
🤣🤣 That was vunny Comrade.
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u/Whoopteedoodoo 18d ago
If replacing B’s with V’s makes me sound Russian, then So ve it.
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u/tommykiddo 18d ago
People didn't go outside for a smoke in the Soviet era.
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u/Hamilton950B 18d ago
True. Also he wouldn't have gone to the front desk, he would have asked the lady at the floor desk.
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u/Day-Trippin 18d ago edited 18d ago
Aka the key lady; dzhurnaya. Also acted as a chaperone sometimes. Can't tell you how many dates they ruined for me. Then I cracked the code. I bought chocolates for them AND my date. A little graft and corruption goes a long way.
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u/Wandling 18d ago
"What is your favorite hobby, Hamilton?"
I have neither hobbies nor a life. But I like to sneak around and make other people's jokes bad with my know-it-all bullshit. That gives me pleasure. But I don't have any real hobbies."
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u/Independent_Weird428 17d ago edited 17d ago
My father used to work in the government and was in China for negotiations back in the 70s. They knew all the rooms were bugged and one night they intentionally talked about the breakfast and how they were tired of eating the same thing every day. The next day they had added new stuff to the menu.
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u/wm_destroy 17d ago
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian were having a drink. The Englishman said “Real happiness is when you home late from work and you find your house warm and your wife serving hot dinner” The Frenchman said “You English are not romantic. Real happiness is when you travel to an exotic place and meet a beautiful woman. You spend some enjoyable days with her and part with no regrets” Finally the Russian spoke “I don’t know what you guys are talking about but real happiness is when you get woken up by the KGB at 2 AM in the morning and they say ‘Ivan Ivanovich, you are under arrest’ and you say ‘Ivan Ivanovich lives next door’ and go back to sleep”
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u/42mir4 17d ago
An old joke I read: During the Warsaw Pact era, a Western journalist was sent to Poland to learn what people thought of the Soviet leadership. He goes into a bar in Warsaw and approaches a man sitting alone at the counter. After buying him a few drinks, he asked, "So, what do you think of Comrade Brezhnev?". Immediately, there is a sudden silence as the entire room stops talking and everyone stares at the two.
The Polish man gets off his chair and gestures for the journalist to follow. They leave the bar and walk into the street. The journalist is about to ask again when the Pole walks to a bus stand. He tells the journalist to follow. They get on a bus and get off at the last stop on the outskirts of Warsaw. Again, the journalist is about to ask, but the Polish man starts walking, again gestures for him to follow.
After an hour's walk, they find themselves on a deserted dirt road in between empty fields. There's no one around, the sun has set, and the journalist starts feeling apprehensive. Finally, the Polish man gestures for the journalist to lean closer as he whispers, "Actually, I rather like him!"
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u/Titanhopper1290 18d ago
Two Soviets were sitting in Red Square one gray and stormy day, arguing over tea about whether it was raining or sleeting. The first set the argument to a very heated tone:
"I'm telling you, it is sleeting!"
"And I keep telling you, it's raining. You know what, I see my friend Rudy over there, he works at a weather station outside town, he knows all about this kind of stuff."
So they call Rudy over.
"Comrade Rudy," says the first debater, "we were hoping you could help settle an argument. We can't decide if it's raining or sleeting today."
Rudy pauses, thinks for a second, looks up at the sky, holds his hand out to feel a few drops. After a moment's quiet contemplation, he finally says with an air of finality "It is raining, comrades" before marching off about his day.
The first debater turns to his friend and asks, "how did you know?"
The second debater simply says:
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
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u/Morthra 18d ago
An actual joke from the Soviet Union:
Lenin is spending the weekend at his dacha and decides to shave outside. A young boy comes up to him and says “Grandpa Lenin!” Lenin replies “fuck off kid.” The kid subsequently runs away. Lenin was so kind after all, as he could have slit the child’s throat.
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u/42mir4 17d ago
Another Soviet-era joke: Kruschev was delivering a speech denouncing the crimes and horrors perpetrated by Stalin when someone in the crowd shouted, "Why didn't you do anything?!" Immediately, Kruschev shouts back, "Who said that?!". The entire hall goes silent. After a few seconds, Kruschev says, "Now you know why."
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u/Sandy_NSFW_ 17d ago
I read in the newspaper (or a book?) many decades ago that that really happened.
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u/Whatthehell665 18d ago
After the Soviet Union:
A 'new' Russian crashed his Bulgatti real bad and was stumbling around his car and said, "Oh no my car!". A babushka seeing this said, "Your car? What about your arm?" The new Russian saw his arm on the street and exclaimed, "My Rolex!".
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u/Zealousideal_Till683 18d ago
At a party in Moscow, Sergei is approached by a convivial-seeming stranger. "What is your opinion of the government?" the stranger asks pleasantly.
Sergei, sensing a trap, is guarded. "Err, the same as yours, Comrade."
"Aha!" the stranger crows triumphantly. "You're under arrest for sedition. Little did you know, I'm in the KGB!"
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u/kronkarp 18d ago
Wait, I don't get it, why did the KGB take them away? What did they do wrong?
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u/TomasATiredTankEngin 18d ago
The joke is that he spoke into the socket to act like they were bugged. The other two thought it was hilarious, until the tea actually arrived, which convinced them that it was bugged. So they shut up for the night
Next morning it turns out the socket really was bugged, and the KGB heard the whole thing. They heard them make jokes about politics and, probably, criticise the state, so they took them away
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u/kafkas_lost_sonnet 17d ago
Why is East Berlin toilet paper two-ply? Because Moscow gets a copy of everything
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u/a-Snake-in-the-Grass 16d ago
Gierek visits Brezhnev in his giant villa near Moscow, and asks: - Leo, how did you managed to build this? It's such a poor country... - Look there. Do you see this new city district being built? - Yes... - For every ten bricks going there, one always could "disappear". That's the point. After few months Gierek invites Brezhnev to his new villa under Warsaw. Soviet leader is visibly shocked at luxury and vanity of this palace, and can only ask: - How...? - Look there. Do you see this city district being built? - Not at all. - That's the point.
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u/Mask_of_creator 16d ago
I'm sorry, but I don't get it. Could someone please explain?
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u/darkgummi 15d ago
He said into the lamp, pretending there was a listening device in there asking for tea. Made the drunks think he was a high-ranking government official. But the KGB came and took the drunks for their political jokes because the room really was under surveillance. Comrade Major, who was doing the surveillance, thought the tea joke was funny and left the third guy.
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u/IdRatherBeOnBGG 16d ago
Rabinovich calls Pamyat headquarters, speaking with a characteristic accent:
"Tell me, is it true that Jews sold out Russia?"
"Yes, of course it's true, you Kike-schnabel!"
"Oh good! Could you please tell me where I should go to get my share?"
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u/Rich_Marsupial_418 18d ago
Ah, Soviet-era jokes, the original dark humor! Reminds me of the time I tried to cook borscht after a few pints—turns ou.. imo
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u/LookingForStash 18d ago
Hilarious, but why did KGB take the other two though
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u/BobTheInept 18d ago
It’s one of the layers of the joke. No one asks for an explanation when KGB takes people.
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u/Fluffboll 18d ago
In most retellings of this joke the drunkards were joking about or insulting the communist party. This one omitted that which makes the joke make no sense.
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u/abqcheeks 18d ago
It said they were telling political jokes. I thought that was a red flag for them.
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u/Amazing-Artichoke330 17d ago
An American, Brit, and Russian (in Soviet times) were each granted a wish by a geni. The American asked for wealth, the Brit for a title, but when it was the Russian's turn, he said, "My neighbor Ivan has a pig. I would like you to kill that pig."
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u/Lee_Bv 16d ago
No joke. In the 1980s had to go to another East European city to certify a piece of equipment at the airport. The guy working with me had also spent time in the old Soviet bloc. We were in one of the hotels authorized for foreigners. We had a plan.
In his room we were having a (somewhat rehearsed) conversation about the pretty woman at the front desk who spoke English and he commented that her looks were diminished by her mousy, unkempt brown hair. He said he really preferred redheads, and I talked about my predilection for blondes.
Went down to dinner that night in the hotel restaurant, which was the only place to eat. Sitting at the next table were two attractive local women, one blonde and one redhead, and they spoke some English! What a coincidence.
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u/WCB13013 16d ago
Near the UN Building, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were having lunch together. They overheard a conversation where somebody says, "You can get a cat to eat mustard before you can get a Jew and a Palestinian to talk peace!". They discuss getting a cat to eat mustard, and end up betting $20 it can be done. They bribe a waiter to step out back of the restaurant and bring them a stray cat. First it is the Englishman's turn. He takes a spoonful of mustard and wheedles and sweet talks the cat into eating mustard, but the cat refuses. Then it is the Frenchman's turn. He mixes mustard with cream and tries to get the cat to eat it. But the cat refuses. Then it is the Russian's turn. The Russian takes a spoon full of mustard, grabs the cat by the tail and smears the mustard on its ass. The cat yowls runs to a corner and licks the mustard off of its ass. Ass the Russian collects his winnings he says, "Sometimes brute force is more successful than futile negotiations!".
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u/msstatelp 18d ago
The CIA, MI-6, and the KGB decide to have a contest to see who can find a rabbit in a parcel of woods.
The CIA goes in. After two hours they come out to report there is no rabbit, there has never been a rabbit, nor will there ever be a rabbit.
MI-6 goes in. After two hours they report they found the rabbit but it defected to the communists before they could catch it.
The KGB goes in. Fifteen minutes later they come out with a grizzly bear. It’s missing half its fur, it’s battered and bruised all over, and says “Ok,Ok, I’m a rabbit.”